Codependency,drink & lonliness, will it happen again!

[waterface]

Sh*t, i'm so alnoe, i am thnking about all my past 3 seriouse relationships, wandering what they're doing &b what could've been! The sharing of time wethere it be walking in the park, bedroom sports, dinner, shopping, just doing all together!
I'm so at a loss, i feel i'm in cold turkey & desperate to either be with my ex's or someone that will take their place.
I drink heavily to numb my feelongs, i am a caring nice guy & reminise, look at photos, thnk of what coould've been! Nothing makes this ecape my mind i just don't knoe what to do, i'm so scared i'm never going to feel love again , will it last & if i can handle it if it doesn't!
All i did or they did to stop the relationships, i wouldn't have thought twice aboput carrying it on, i' mean illness drinking, all relationship have to make & make it work, not just give up! I'd stick with anyone if they had issues, i just don't gey it! & am so lonely & thinking of my past!
Gaz

[Justme57]

Hi Gaz

You know I have learned since being in recovery , that nothing changes if nothing changes ! And I am the only one who can change ME!

Sitting drinking , and going over the past wont help, you need to change what you are doing, for your life to change, it wont happen by osmosis, and for me , drinking certainly did not help.Try a new approach to YOUR life

HUGX
Lee

[bikewench]

Gaz....

ummm....
Not to take your inventory.. but... relationship addict is popping into my head... ;o)
You have got to let those girls go... get better... and then try again.

Staying stuck with the mistakes of the past..
Do you really want to stay there with them..?
It done.. it's gone... and it's time to move on.

walking in the park, bedroom sports, dinner, shopping, just doing all together!

Those moments DO NOT define your life....
and if you would put as much energy into getting your life on track and putting that energy into YOU... then you would no doubt go on and do those very things with a person that will give them back to you..

But.. if you stay stuck where you are.... and refuse to consider that you need to get to be okay with yourself first before you can share yourself with another... then you won't get past this bad....

Neediness does not make a relationship... no matter how badly we want it to happen.

You gotta kick your own butt there buddy...


so.. tell me...
where are you with your drinking...??
Still on the taper off plan..?? going to meetings...??

Here's some light reading for you Gaz....

http://www.recovery-man.com/loveaddict.htm

http://loveaddicts.org/

[waterface]

Hi all , i know sitting , reminscing isn't helping, just i' still in love with mye girl i went to to USA together with, it's in there , killing my brain!

Yes Bikewench, i'm a relationship addict, exercise addict,alcoholic, & inneed of that wome s touchthat warmthm that kis, that i've had for last 5 years & beore not.

I;ve had the taste. I'm here in my bed, wanting to touch that smoothn skin & kiss my baby & there's nobody & i miss it, but the more i crave it, the more i drink to numd the feeling of it not being there!

I have regrets & things i copuld have done, & it's my fault, all my fault & all i have is photos & memories, not the touch!, not sex, just the touch! & i don't think i'll get it again, fro someone who loves me!

Gaz

[Justme57]

Only you can change it , get out of bed, put down the booze , and get moving

Lee

[Wolfstarr]

Gaz,

Move on, buddy move on. Bikewench is giving some sage wisdom. Also JustMe states: Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes...

Discontinue looking for the answers outside of yourself. The answer is within, and always has been. Love yourself. You are so worth it...
Now, get moving like Lee said.
We are here for you but you have there for yourself, first.
Blessings and Hugs,

[Grimnar]

Originally Posted by Wolfstarr

Love yourself. You are so worth it...

It all starts there.

You have to be your own whole person before you can share and have a healthy relationship with a partner.

I know.... I have been there.

[historyteach]

I may be going out on a limb here, but...
Maybe he doesn't know HOW to be his own person; to love himself; to look within himself...
I do know I've struggled with many of the same issues.
So, what do those behaviors look like? Describe how to do them, instead of just telling him to do it, ya know what I mean?
Just a thought here...

Shalom!

[bikewench]

Teach...

Maybe he doesn't know HOW to be his own person; to love himself; to look within himself...

That's the thing though gurl...
as long as he is cycling around in his head... and using the booze to keep him there...

.. then I think he's gonna stay right where he is...

(forgive me for talking about you in the second person Gaz... but.. we need to explore how to get you better ....)


Gaz...

I am also a relationship addict.
When I came to SR.. they told me I had to let go of the importance of the person... cause it was making me crazy...
...and then I read....
That what we put UNDUE importance on... we will have undue pain when it doesn't go our way.

I had to give the men I was addicted to up to God... and let them go....

And then I had to stop myself from thinking about them...
That meant filling my mind with something else...

You feel like describing your last 7 days to us Gaz..??
What you been up to..?
What you reading to get a grip on all this..??
Are you willing to go to meetings..??

What are you willing to do to get past this..??


And the very hardest question..

Are you willing to let your obsession with this gurl go..??

[waterface]

Hi to all

Not been on pc much realy, i've read all you say & is correct & i have to do it for me wether it be drink or future, but i'm real scared of this codependency thing, i crave companionship, i mean i don't even see my friends unless i go to the pub, but they are associates only!

Bikewench, i've been to 2 AA meets, i liked them & spoke, infront of 50 people, it was a great feeling hearing others stories & i got the book which i will read, but i still am drinking, as all i look forward to in my day here & i say here as i will be moving soon hopefully!, is drinking at night, using pc & cooking.

I don't realy have an obsession with this girl, just anger that i fell so deep & knew she was going away in a week, i've hearrd nothing, maybe the best!

I have been thinking about the past alot, especially a girl i loved dearly & reminiscing & becoming upset, photos etc!
Yes your right, when things don't go our way, thats when anxiety & bad feelings, clingyness creep in!
I'm sh*t scared of ever meeting anyone just incase i get close & then minds are changed, because due to my codependency & lack of self love, i will collapse into depression again. I just miss that warmth feeling of skin on skin with someone who oves me, maybe it's pathetic & to know someone other than my family love me!

I do understand this, i just don't know why i'm so like this, desperate!
My psychiatrist & councelor says it's because i was over loved as a child & i remember never wanting to go to schoool when i was 6 or 7 because i didn't want to leave my mum!

As i say i'm moving to a shared house soon, a halfway house & initially it will be p/t time, but i hope my life will start to change then! Because i can't go on in this rutt, even though i'm slowly improving, i just have to bight the bullet & do it!
Love you all
Gaz

[Morning Glory]

I'm a strong believer that we look to the past and look to the future when there isn't much in today. You're in emotional pain and you're looking for something to make it feel better. It's the little things we start doing for ourselves "today" that start helping. What can you accomplish today that will increase your chances of feeling better tomorrow. The small things will everntually improve how you feel.

You have 24 hours. Don't waste it.

[Wolfstarr]

Yes Gaz, bite the bullet and do it...Just do it.
Someone told me that a few days ago. And ya know what ? I am going to do just that...

It.

[bikewench]

Gaz...

It's good to hear you got something positive from your meetings...
Cause... I could never have gotten anywhere without the steading influence of the program and it's recovering folks pointing the way.

I also get really lost in relationships... or I have to this point anyway...
Amazing what a little knowledge and hard work can do.. ;o)

I've pinpointed all my addictions now..... including the sex and love addiction that I had no idea was impacting me the way it was... and I know what I need to do now.
So yeah.. I'm right where you are.
Time to just .. do it.

Take care of me first and trust that God will put my life where it is meant to be... and put people in my life that are meant to be there.


Such amazing things happen when I let God direct...

Anyway Gaz...
I'm relieved to hear that you are quite aware of where and what you need to do... your just simply getting organized around it... ;o)

Stay close and keep working toward the light....

[waterface]

Hi all

Well i'm not drinking, i'm feeling so different, but i do miss that so called friend i'm used to having at night.

I am depressed, i have no motivation & don't know my future, workwise especially. When drinking, all i tgought of was that time of day when i could start to drink. Now, i am in a situation where i don't know what the hell is round the corner, i wish i could just click my fingers & know my future. I feel my anxiety is curbed as i'm on such a high Valium dose, i just don't have the motivation & wanting to do anything with myself. Maybe this will end soon & stopping the drinking will help.

Lonliness, well thats me. Like i say i can't go to my local bar where for sure i'd see lots of people i know, but no real friends & workplace is somewhere i'd meet these people, but i just am scared now!

[bikewench]

(((Gaz)))

way to go on putting down the booze...

I know your scared...
and I know you'd like to know what's coming down the pipe...

me too.. ;o)

I just want you to know that your not struggling alone...
And you don't have to be alone through this...
Just come here ....

I really believe that once you get better... God will send you the right lady....

so.. work hard.. okay..?? ;o)

praying for you Gaz...
for a sure and steady walk towards the light.

[waterface]

Hi

I guess we all relapse & i have, i feel **** about it, i am codependent & need someone, i can leave drink alone when i've someone as i have before. Just when i'm lonely i drink, 3 days my anxiety was so intense & cravings, although i felt better & clearer in the head each day.

Why do i do it when i know i'll regret it, i just want to get to that stage of not wanting it & it's hard!

My confidence is high after a beer or 2, & then the next day the confidence goes away & is replaced by fear & anxiety, thats where the valium comes in.

This is bad

Gaz

[Wolfstarr]

Hi gaz...

That's how it works, a big snowball effect...drink, feel better, alcohol=depressant so it brings you down when effects wear off, fear anxiety creep in, relieve that with valium.
Viscious cycle.

Happens to thousands, possibly millions of us in this world. The pain is hard to bear and we don't want to feel it.

Coming here is good though, talking and seeing in print what you are doing is also taking a good look at what's happening instead of hiding it within.

Bikewench is right, you are not alone. There are scores of us who can relate and want to be here to support you.

Can you help me? I want to get an anxious, obsessive thought out of my mind. What do you think I need to do? It seems this thought is with me every single minute of every single day, and I want so desperately to be good to myself and think of my mental health. What do you do to help yourself, besides taking a drink or valium?

Let me know...I am so willing to change for my health, and I feel you are on the same path as I.
Peace to you Gaz,

[waterface]

Hi Wolf

Yes a vicious circle it is. This codependency thing & wheni get a sniff of being loved & having someone in my life , it's like all the anxiety & pain goes away, that warmth of knowing your in someone elses mind & heart!

Thats why i know codependency is my big issue, drink is too & maybe stopping drink will help me handle mentaly my reactions to loss or seperation & not emotionally fall apart. 2 girls i liked a lot in past just so happened to be going away on jobs, doing it the right way, sorting their careers out & the when happy within themselves, then they can be happy with someone. I & maybe we, have nothing to fall back on, no self love, thats why drink & tranquiliseing ourself is an answer.

Wolf, i go running, it does temporarily get the anxiety away & i get a high, but it doesn't last & to be fair it makes me want to chill with some wine, another vicios circle. Being here & typing too, my moods are so up & down it is painful to say the least.

Take care
Gaz

[bikewench]

& wheni get a sniff of being loved & having someone in my life , it's like all the anxiety & pain goes away, that warmth of knowing your in someone elses mind & heart!

Well shyte Gaz...
that's so easy...
your loved here... and your in our minds and hearts.. ;o)


yeah.. I know.. it's not what you meant...

but.. in the meantime.. can it be enough ... for now..?
Till you get your recovery feet under you...?


I know how hard it is Gaz.

The thing is...
unless you pick yourself up and dust yourself off...
spiffy up .. mentally and physicly...
it just makes it harder for that gal to see all the love you have to offer...

if you wanna be a part of something... then you better be something to be a part of...

don't you think...??

You can't just take.
You have to give... and not always how we want to.

You gotta unplug from that cycle thought Gaz...
it's gonna take you down and give you f'all back.

You are in my thoughts...
and I pray for you...

[shutterbug]

Sorry that I haven't been with you on this thread Gaz...
Fighting some of my own demons still, but things are OK...
And I know that if you keep fighting yours that success is the only result possible in the end!

You are loved and cared for here....
But you gotta learn to love yourself....

I believe that once you can love yourself enough to not hurt so much over wether others love you like you would like or not....then that is when you will find the love of your life.

My dad always told me that "you have to love yourself before anyone else can ever love you back." It has taken me most of my life to understand that completely....but starting to I am.

Become addicted to self-love and self-esteem books....
Start loving the things you hate most about yourself...
Dare to let the REAL you shine through and not care what anyone else thinks...
If I want to die my hair blue....I'm gunna die my hair electric blue no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

The things that make us different are the things that make us the most beautiful.

Nurture a relationship with yourself...as if you would nurture a relationship with any "dream woman." It can be done...it seems a daunting task, but take baby steps and before you know it....you will be SO MUCH more happy!

Hugs and hang in there...
Thinking of you my friend...

[waterface]

Hi Bikewench & Shutters

I push all away, i say & do stuff i don't want to & yet do, like i talked to this girl & she invited me to come see her & i said i'd looked before at prices, like in presumed she'd invite me!

I hate myself, i am so depressed i'm immune to the feeling & that scares me because there's nothing i won't do to make myself pay. This is me, i'm like this, i automatically mess up, just fail & thats me!

I'm a billion miles away from that 'loving me' situation. Theres maybe 5, 6 girls that i've messed up relations with & i can'tforgive me!

I've just done one now.

She was ill & wanted tlc & i could come over & hugg her, i told her i'd been looking at tickets, presuming & she called me a dick!

So upset

Gaz

[shutterbug]

tickets...you mean she lives in another state or something I'm assuming?

Gaz...I know this won't help much, but from what you wrote...I don't see that you did wrong by looking at prices. All that says to me is that you enjoyed talking to her and were curious to see how much it would cost you if she did ask you to visit.

We ALL fail....it's human nature. If no one ever failed then we'd all be perfect and none of us are that.

Successful people (in anything) learn that rejection doesn't mean anything other than there is more trying to be done.

I take things hard too, but you just can't let them all do you in sweetie.

I'm reading a book about confindence right now and there is a chapter about relationship confidence...and how confindent people somehow automatically become more attractive to the opposite sex.

It made me think of you....well, b/c so much of it struck a cord with me and you remind me so much of myself when it comes to relationships.

Gaz...if you don't mind me asking...do you believe in a higher power?

And I know how it feels to be light years away from loving ones self (I find myself there often enough too...including tonight)....

The key is to subject yourself to positve ways of thinking.
You and I....have natural tendencies to put ourselves down and assume we are unlovable human beings....but that's just not true. Every human is just as special and worthy as the next. No one of us is better than any one else.

You are placing yourself in some light of positive thinking by posting in here and reading all the support offered, but you have to follow through.

If you WANT to be happy....then ultimately it's up to each of us to make ourselves happy. I promise you that if you found a beautiful girl who was willing to stick by your side for the rest of your life....that it would still be an unhappy life. Sure there would be a break in the dark clouds for about 18 months....but then....you would start coming down from the high of being with someone and you would slowly start returning to the exact same state you are in now....only then there would be marital problems to blame.

How do I know....because....there have been scientific experiments that show that a new love relationships produces a wealth of "happy" endorphines inside our brains for about 18 months...and then everything returns to normal. We go back to being the people we ARE. Which means if you are not happy with who you are going into the relationship then then no relationship has the power to over-ride the inner unhappiness you have inside (which is caused from all the negative self-talk so many of us do to ourselves).

So...if you ever want to be happy...I am serious....you HAVE to start searching out ways to counter-act that negative self-talk in your mind.

How?

1. Get into therapy with a wonderful counselor who can keep you on track and moving forward!

2. Search through your local area and churches to see if there are any singles groups or group therapy meetings for depressed people or ANY kind of group that you can connect to! And go once a week!

3. Start reading positive thinking books!

4. Start looking online and reading about how to stop playing that "I'm a bad person" tape inside your head!

5. Start a gratitude list about things you are grateful for about yourself....even if you only add one thing to it each day. And even if it's something like..."Today, I held a door open for a stranger," or "Today, I am thankful that I am a good person," or "I am good at mowing lawns (or working on computers or...fill-in-the-blank."

6. Hang out with people who make you feel good about who you are....wether that be family, co-workers, children....whoever....

7. Always remember that if you WANT to be happy then you have to learn to THINK like happy people!! (In other words...strive to re-wire your brain...it CAN be done if you want it bad enough. Change is hard....so if you want to do this you have to look at it as nothing less than you would....say recovery from a heroin addiction. That's why most people never change....because it's hard and it takes a ton of effort. But you can do it...I KNOW you can!)

Just know that we love you and care about you....that's why we are here...to help....we just can't do it all for you (even though I wish I could).

Hugs,

[waterface]

Hi Shutterbug

Yeh, we met on a site, i'm in UK, she's in Germany, she had flu & i said she needed some tlc so she said 'mm, you gonna come & give it me then!' & i said 'why , you inviting me' & she said yes & i told her i'd been checking tickets out, like presuming she would ask me sometime. I've found out i got my wires crossed & i was wrong! Same usual me!

I need to start reading confidence books, like you say i'd probably get into a relationship & after the honeymoon period & my lacking in love for myself would create anxiety & back to sq1. Sometimes i feel i'm destined to be one of those guys that are bachelors & unlucky in love. Negative thinking i know!

I see a councelor, more like a psychoanalytic councelor, going into why i'm like this, i see a community psychiatric nurse & a hard hitting psychiatrist! I do AA but the higher power is difficult for me!

I do have massive ups & downs of possitivity & negativity, like you say, helping a girl with a push chair up some stairs made me feel good, like you say these are little highs, i guess i feel less alone when we chat & see things in a similar way!

I have quit other drugs because they would've killed me! Love is a drug, i think thats a song! I know we need to help ourselves, maybe time & who knows what round the corner! I just at the moment feel powerless.

Love as always
Gaz

[bikewench]

I just at the moment feel powerless.

That's good Gaz...

For.. that is Step One in moving on in life...

I am powerless over my need to insert a woman .. (any woman,, ;o) into my life.. and my life is unmanageable...

Now.. can you take it to the next level...?????

Came to believe..???
believe what..?

that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity so that I can life a loving and fruitful life not totally absorbed in my using and franticly searching for happiness in all the wrong places...

A power greater than myself.

Does such a thing exist for you Gaz..??

[waterface]

Hi all

I do feel powerless with my vicious circle involving alcohol at night, asnxiety in day, then exercise, valium & more alcohol.

I'm finding quitting alcohol ssooooo hard, i feel normal with it in my blood & so anxious & worried, paranoid, even jealous over my ex being with someone else when i don't even know if she is! My heads messed up!

I am beginning to realise i can't control others & like when i meet someone, we get on well & switch numbers, & i don't get a call or they don't reply to me, i feel gutted & my hopes dashed! This still hurts & my faith is gone & worried i get about further involvement!

Thats why i need to be happy for me, am i ready?, time!!

Love & huggs
Gaz