I'm feeling angry and scared

[Purrdy]

It's been great posting on here, I feel sometimes that I have made some good buddies and have had a great laugh in the Cafe Central forum...the depression at last is lifting and I can see the light again....

Why then do I feel so lonely? and why oh why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel as if I cannot cope?

I had a go at my kids this morning, over something stupid, sometimes its like they are pushing the boundaries and its like picking at a scab...eventually I bleed and it all starts again, the feelings of inadequacy and Im just not good enough...


I have huge issues around trust, I know that is because I had such a traumatic childhood, but then what you see is what you get, I cannot lie, I cannot paper over the cracks and pretend that everything is ok whhen its not, and that is when people seem to close in and take advantage or take the ****..

I am so grateful for my life you know, I have tow lovely boys and a fantastic husband and three lovely (if somewhat overfed cats) I am nearing the end of my foundation degree but I still feel like I am just not good enough....

Then I get angry at myself so damned angry and just want to cry. I feel like everyone 'out there' inthe world is ganging up on me and that I am not safe anymore then I feel lonely and inadequate and stupid and raw and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and stay there forever.

Why cant I be grown up and let things wash over me like water off a ducks back?
Why can't I seem to find some sort of happy medium?

I am still off sick from work and they have pushed for occupational health service to 'intergrate me back into the work place' HA! That's a joke.....It was all part of their plan of constructive dismissal Why? because I stood up for myself, I stood up for the kids and what I believed in its because I am a non conformist......

I am frightened to apply for another job for fear of rejection...I tried for jobs last year to get me out of where I was but I absolutely know that my workplace gave negative feedback when asked for a reference I say I know, I dont have proof but I have seen how these people work....Its like banging my head against a brick wall. At the end of the day I am alone because they are all like sheep and do not want to stick thier necks out but in the same thread they dont want to see you get on either!!

Why are people so underhanded and ignorant and selfish and want to **** all over your bonfire? why cant they just let you move on...
This is compounding my feelings of inadequacy, like I will never be good enough and I will never fit in......

I have made other enquireis for a job out of this county its hell of a way to travel but will be a full time position after my degree is finished...Its an interesting job and I can see myself doing it but in the same line I feel as if they will immediatly just say oh no we dont want her!! She thinks outside the box, she is non conformist she's trouble......

I am writing out my resignation for my present job, to give me some time..... maybe then i will be able to think more clearly. However they still have that bloody so called disciplinary mark on my record, something I feel so damned angry about as it was so UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!! especially in the light of all the other terrible goings on in that place........

I am not feeling sorry for myself, I know that this experience was for a reason, maybe to help me see that is how people really are and to be careful in the future or just to feel how underhanded and unfair the system is or whatever I dont know it happende and im still reeling with anger....

a friend said to me last night 'hey you know we sometimes need time to pat ourselves on the back to relaly look at what we have achieved and say to ourselves hey you've done good here'

You know I had a crap childhood, dad buggered off to live in the USA when I was sixteen, I got into drugs and alcohol and drifted for many years until I met my husband. I had a few basci qualifications..I had two kids and started my academic journey at uni....alcohol took over,,,I got into recovery and its been really hard to keep everything afloat ever since. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I guess that is why I feel so raw all the time.

The feelings I am experiencing right now are just feelings and I have read oodles of self help books which have helped...I keep on trying you know just keep on trying
sometimes its just good to write this stuff down and get it out.

Thankyou for listening

Love Purrdyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Done_With_It]

Ahhh Purdy,

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.

I'm going to come back to this thread when I'm more awake and can read this again. But I did just want to let you know that I read it.

Your not alone sweetie. We're all with you in spirit.

I'll be back after I read this again tomorow.

For now I am

[Purrdy]

Thankyou....just thankyou

I really love the people on here I have never met you but I really feel if we ever did really meet one day we would all just sort of gel....its like a family isnt it

Thankyou


With love Purrdyxxxxx

[Togechick]

Your story sounds a lot like my mom's story right now. My mom was abused growing up physically, emotionally, and mentally by her single mother and two older brothers. My mom has since then been filled up with uncontrollable anger and refuses to forgive my grandmother and make amends.
I suffered living with my mother because of her abuse and she scared me out of her house with hateful yelling and threats of kicking me out. I am myself recovering mentally and emotionally by putting my trust in Christ, and I am praying for the health of my mother because I cannot help her, but God can.
Do you believe in God? o:
If you do, ask Him to help you love and put your trust in Him. He will give your heart strength and protect you and bless you.