I need someone to talk to.

[emmer]

I need someone to talk to. My wife says...And I agree, that I don't live I only exist. It is against my religion to commit suicide and on the other side of the coin, I hate life. I have been venting @ the N.A. forum, but I think the way I feel I might be better to ask for help here. I hate to ask for help at the wrong forum. The way I feel has been going on for 13 years at least,and I'm exhausted. I just don't see the point in ....well hanging around, here I am.
I am for some reason void of feelings for the most part,I can't see the world lasting more than 10 more years, and that freaks me out. I am seeing a mental health worker now. I feel like I am in jail, even though I'm not. I don't know what else to say. If you think you can help me then please do.
Withdrawing off benzos is my last hope...I'm told that benzos depress people.
I am trying my hardest to keep on keeping on, but boy is it hard. Joe

[historyteach]

Hi, Joe;
Glad to see that you're talking to a mental health provider now. Is it a therapist or a doc? You may need a prescription, and that's the only reason I ask. Yes, you do sound like you're going through a really tough time.
There's a few things that help me when I'm down. Exercise. Yea, I know you don't feel like it. Force yourself, you'll like it afterwards. It releases endorphines, a "feel good" neurotransmitter in the brain -- all natural. They do help. Try to eat right too. It can really make a difference. If you're not eating right, take some vitamins until you can get your act together to do so.
Learn something new. I know, I know, it's really hard now. You're mind wanders and you can't concentrate, right? Well, no one said to learn rocket science, lol! Just take it a step at a time. What have you always wanted to know? Or to learn? Each day, spend a little time learning something.
Practice positive statements to yourself. You are a child of G*D. Remember that. You have everything you need right now to do whatever it is you are supposed to do and be. Stretch yourself. Learn your worth.
And be grateful. For what? you say. For the fact that the sun always rises again. For the fact that with each sunrise is a new opportunity. What is there in your life you are grateful for? Don't look for the mansions and cars and material goodies eveyone thinks they want. Those things never bring happiness. Look for the everyday miracles in our lives.
Finally, pray. Or meditate. You say you have a religious belief, so, get in touch with the G*D of your understanding. Recognize that spark of the divine within.
I'm sorry you are so down right now. It seems as if it's been for a long time. So, there is no "quick fix." It's a one day at a time thing here too. But, if you keep on doing the next right thing; take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; and get help from your doctor, well, it will get better.
And we'll be here each step of the way. One day at a time.

Shalom!

[Wolfstarr]

Hi Joe,

I have felt the way you describe. Last year at this time I felt so down, and just existing. I would sit in the livingroom and do nothing, just look at the walls. I wouldn't feel anything, good or bad. Just there.

A therapist is a good way to express how you are feeling and what you are feeling. I have learned over some time now to "feel" what I am feeling, actually listen to what my emotions are telling me. Sometimes I have to be quiet just to hear what I am trying to tell myself through what I feel.

Just to let you know, Joe. You are not alone, and here you can find some comfort in knowing that there are those of us who share similar feelings to what you are going through. Keep coming back here and talk talk talk, write and get it out. We are here to listen and not judge...
Best to you and healing thoughts sent your way,
Wolfstarr

[splendra]

((((Joe))))

I don't have any suggestions but, I am keeping you on my prayer list....

[Chance]

(((((Joe))))))

Welcome here to this side. I am also here and yes I think that some of my disease goes a lot deeper than being an addict/alke. I came here also a while back because of my interferon shots. There is a lot of support here also just as there is in the NA forum. We are all family here Joe and we are proud to have you as part of our family. I keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Love Vic

[shutterbug]

hey there....i know how you're feeling. Have you tried meditating, reading self-help books, doing relaxation excerzises or keeping a daily gratitude journal?

I hated reading until I started focusing on self-help books and now I love to read them....so many different ideas, suggestions and such to help with depression and anxiety issues.

The gratitude thing is something I fight against, but at times when I've felt my worst lately I just made myself make a list of the things I was grateful for that day. And it REALLY made me feel better. You see, it's been proven that a person CAN NOT be depressed AND grateful at the same time. So make a list right now of 10 things (5 if you're really having a tough time and 20 if you can think of that many)....an SR friend helped me remember that one of the things I can be most grateful for is to have even toilet paper when I need it....LOL

Now some Questions:
-Have you had a full medical work up/physical lately? (Within the past year?)
-Do you snore? Or have other sleeping problems?
-What have you been officially diagnosed with (mentally and/or physically?

Hugs,

[emmer]

Yes I do snore ...Heavy...enough to almost bring the walls down..Ha ha
I have had a physical not to long ago.
I have been diagnosed with damn near everything, I don't really think anyone knows though. I have felt better now that I'm going to N.A. (I'm an addict)...maybe things will get better. I try to be pos and gratefull. Joe

[bikewench]

maybe things will get better.

I think that's a "for sure"..

Getting rid of the substance and fixing the thinking around it is a huge weight lifted off one's psyche... and the body shows it's relief...

Keep working on it...
It'll pay off.

[addictionbites3]

dear joe,
i know how you feel. do i ever. i am bipolar 1, mixed-state, ultra-radian cycler. i am 34, was diagnosed 6 years ago and never got proper treatment. i tried to kill myself 5 times...i even ended up in the nut ward on a 14 day hold. mind you, on the outside i am the picture of health and well-being...and athlete, articulate, successful in business, attractive...yet that is my facade. underneath it all i suffer just as you do. I know how you feel about not being able to see your future. that is the wrath of the bipolar pendulum...it swing far and wide and we struggle every day to contain its range of motion. you are clearly in a depressive state. I do not know what medications you are on...but i will tell you what has helped me...i am on cymbalta (an anti-depressant that works on serotinin and noreprinephrin -- okay for bipolars -- more of an anti-anxiety and sedative...it took away my suicidal feeling within a few days...and the nightmares...) at first i felt numb on this drug...like i should feel depressed in certain situations, but then i just didn't. i felt nothing. i didn't like feeling numb either, but i have adjusted...and mostly it works as a barrier to sinking down into the depths of darkness. I still get down on myself. I still feel the way you do at times. I have a great therapist that is working with me on cognitive behaviorial therapy...and thinking distortions...i would be happy to send you the list of thinking distortions...and try to catch yourself as you start thinking negatively. the thing is...we can be medicated to death...but we have to retrain our brains to think differently...think about it...for years and years we have lived in a bipolar brain, and have developed all sorts of cognitive distortions. it is like we have been given a new brain...but it is almost like being born all over again...and we have to learn to think differently, interpret the world differently, make different choices, react to the world differently, view ourselves differently....meds alone won't solve our issues. i am also on lamictal...look it up...it is specifically for bipolar patients...it has helped my manic breakthroughs...and also works as an anti-depressant.

look, i still go through bouts of feeling like i should just be dead. like i can't deal with the world. like i have no place in the world. like who will ever love me with all of my baggage...bipolar and an addict? great...how to i ever introduce that into the relationship...oh yeah, so other than being a competitive athlete, a writer, a scientist, did i ever mention i am bipolar and an addict? ha. right. good luck to me! then i have to change my thought patterns...okay...there is a place for me in the world...some of the most successful and creative people of our time have been bipolar/addicts (get hypmanic nation...good book)...i kind of like my creativity and high level of social intelligence...it is a gift...and having experienced this gift, would i really want to be "normal"? I don't know. And, you know what? There is someone who will love me for me...I have to believe in that. I am a good person...i think us bipolars tend to be that way...ultra-sensitive, therefore very empathetic, accepting, non-judgmental, and caring...if only we give these gifts to ourself. try it. write down the good parts of being bipolar. write down your frustrations. then make a list of how you can overcome these frustrations...like i said...i will send you that list of cognitive distortions...it will help.

you can live. i can live. sometimes i don't want to. like yesterday, i decided i was going to kill myself. then i decided, screw it, I am going to stay here just another day and make the best of this day. just focus on today. then, tomorrow, i will get up, and decide what i want to do with my day. kill myself or try to have the best day I can? the law of focus...whatever you focus on grows bigger. so, switch your focus for just today...make a list of things you want to do...do them...write down the good parts of being bipolar...do something good for someone else...bring your wife flowers...write her a nice card...just tell yourself, yes, you have the option to kill yourself. but, in a way that is a liberating thought...because when you think of death...then you become less afraid of life...like, who cares? I can accomplish x and y...and I will do it...i don't care what anyone else thinks...when we focus on "life" too much and the "normal" world...it makes us crazy! just set yourself free from that world...i have a feeling you are weighed down by your own mental dialogue and expectations...like you have to be "normal"...well, no, you don't...you don't have to be anyone but you...this is a free country...and you can do as you please...so be yourself...try to see your gifts...read hypo-manic nation...it is kind of inspiring...remember the law of focus...and focus on something good...just keep doing this hour by hour and get through the day. Tomorrow, when you wake up....get out your notebook...write out what you want to do, your dreams, remember your extra-ordinary gifts....and just set tasks and goals for the day...and go hour by hour. That is the only way i can do it sometimes. then sometimes, i build a momentum...and i feel great for a while. when i begin to crash, i fall back on my practices of going hour by hour...the law of focus...somedays, John, we just have to cater to ourselves...such is the plight of the bipolar brain...it is better if we just accept it and learn to recognize when we need to do our "self-work"...

that is what i am doing. it has helped me. after 5 suicide attempts, it has been a year and a half and I am just doing what i can...hope what i wrote is somewhat helpful. i don't purport to have all of the answers...don't mean to sound like that at all...just want you to feel better and want to alleviate your suffering...i know how you feel. and, i know it is possible to feel better. just try. for the next hour. write back and let me know how it goes. please. you deserve to feel good...know that.

[bikewench]

Addictionbites...

A warm welcome to Sober Recovery...

A very powerful post there...
some very workable ..helpful suggestions...
and yes.. the do have a positive outcome when used...
it's us getting the chutzpah going in the right direction.

Yes.. I do have these tendancies...
I was minutes away from checking myself into the psycheward these past few days for I was feeling so down.. and so hopeless... that the idea of not having to deal with this anymore on a permanent basis was tickling the core of my mind.... and my mind was not rejecting it...
in fact.. it was welcoming it...

scared the living shyte outa me...

and I have run kiyiiiing to God... and I have my arms wrapped around his waist and I am hanging on for dear life...

Our minds are amazing.. but I need the steadying touch of my HP to navigate it's halls...

All the answers for a good ... worthy... workable life are here...
It's us that has to do the digging for them.

As long as I am engaged in the recovery process.. I am moving forward... whether I think I am or not.

and if I choose to stop engaging the recovery process... my misery will be cheerfully refunded.. of that I have no doubt..

We get better together...

Blessings on all us struggling souls.

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by emmer

can't see the world lasting more than 10 more years, and that freaks me out. Joe

I cant either Joe but that is nothing I can control. Hell I can get hit by a bus tomorrow. In recovery, we call that way of thinking "projecting".

It does seem like a doom and gloom world and a lot of fighting. But if there is a Creator, and I believe there is, well we could be entering the brightest millenium ever. On paper though it does not look good, but as they say God works in mysterious ways.

Now Joe Im not preaching here. I have been in recovery for almost 18 years and I still project doom and gloom(negative thinking or stinking thinking).

But that is my mind, my perception, my disease. And my best thinking almost put me in a coffin by the time I was 40.

Dont give up the good life Joe. Focus on small things. What helps me is if I think like this:

"If there is a God, how magnificent it is that he can make the tiniest seashell in an ocean that is so large and powerful!"

As it says in our AA readings, hold your face up to the light, even if for now you do not see.

Good luck Joe and keep posting.

[addictionbites3]

hi bikewench,
am just curious...what kind of bipolar do you have? how does addiction manifest itself?

i, too, thought of checking myself into the mental ward or to rehab or something...it kept going thru my mind the other day...it's like i wanted to save myself from myself...but i know if i do that it is like a 14 day vacation where i can just check out of the world and have license to act crazy because they expect me to be. when i was in Cedars, i was a complete nut. kicked the walls, tried to escape, ran away from 5 huge bodyguards...got handcuffed...spit in their face...wouldn't let them take my vital signs...just showed them my middle finger and said "that is the only vital sign you are getting from me...stay away"...i hid under the covers for 4 days and wouldn't come out...ridiculous. here i am a perfectly (seemingly) normal woman...and those places just bring out the worst in me.

I, too, am attached to my computer. it is the only place i can connect with people who understand me. I sit and write and read and can absorb my crazy mind for hours. i also try to exercise...that helps. i am starting again today.

so, do you mind telling about your bipolar? i am curious to see how it manifests itself in other people...for me, i am depressed yet manic all of the time...like a child standing there turning the light switch on and off so rapidly that the dark and light mixes together and you can't see anything but flashes of images. that is what i feel like. the meds help, yes. but therapy helps more. I try to believe i can hang on...just going day by day...and when i write, it brings me sanity. it helps get the thoughts on paper. then i can do other boring tasks. that calms the mind. just turn your attention to something else...music...anything. in fact, i am going to do that right now. before i exercise, i am going for a drive...am going to indulge in a couple of cigarrettes that my friend gave me...i figure since i am detoxing and eating that i deserve it! i feel better already...ate breakfast for the first time in months...didn't drink...showered...washed my sweaty sheets (am detoxing, so i have the night sweats and shakes)...am craving a drink so bad i want to run to the liquor store...but i promised myself that today i would not. so, today i remain in my head...and am trying to find the corners that bring me peace...

...would love to hear about your bipolar/addiction...it helps me to hear other people's situations....especially now...

addictionbites3

[cmc]

hello to some of my friend from the other side (site?)
I am here because I have been in denial about my mental health- I have been getting way too upset over some things that don't really even matter to me- By upset, I mean internally- feelings, thoughts etc. I just had something go wrong with my roof again and was in tears. I am going to get on some antidep Mon. for sure, For ladies only:I found some relief this past 2 wks with hormone replacement- a big difference but not enough. I am depleted of what I need - the big M has taken it's toll on me. So, I will force myself to exercise and take vitamins. I am really good at sleeping once I finally get there. I am working a good program but now know I am sick - been there before about 15 yrs ago. It's good to tell about it.
Anyone tried Cymbalta yet?
cmc

[cmc]

hey pal,
I sent you a pm did you get it? Funny, as I was browsing on this site- I just added some thoughts - My mind is not focused- sorry to 'use' your post to vent my stuff
cmc

[bikewench]

my manic cycles were self destructive when I was using...
stealing.. fighting.. chasing men.. crazy behavior.. crazy thinking...
the only thing I believe that saved my butt from going all the way down was that I was a workaholic as well...

I worked all day with the help of a few things... like a fridge in my office stocked full of booze...
I worked for myself.. so.. no one could fire me..
and I was good at what I did.. so.. people put up with my crap and kept giving me money.

gawd.. my poor customers...
I was usually either hung to the nutz.. or was still on a bender from the night before...

Beer and clam for breakfast... maybe a line or two depending on how I was feeling...
Definately reefer in there...
that was a given...

I don't think I slept until I went into recovery.

I would just crash when things got too far away on me... and when I woke up and was faced with my life and all the dark quiet things pushing at me...
and the crushing blackness... waiting...

well.. I'd be using before I was even outa bed...

Since I've been in recovery.... I've diverted my manic into a human doing.

I have probably a hundred things on the go...
I go from one to the other...
I must keep my mind engaged with juggling 10 different events so that it doesn't stay stuck in a cycle... usually around using something..

And that's how I try to ground myself as well.
Working on things keep me in reality...

I have eschewed prescription medication up to this point to help me stabilize my demeanor..
But.. I have entertained the thought.. that when I am finished completely with the woman thang... and I am still caught on this roller coaster ride...
then I will explore the meds...

I owe it to myself to at least give it a try.

But.. I just need to understand my sickness fully first.. so that I can stay grounded if I go the med route... and be fully engaged in how it's working in my body and mind...

I am my own life experiment.. ;o)

I pray for any and all that are caught in the insanity of bipolar...

[Purrdy]

Originally Posted by bikewench

Addictionbites...




As long as I am engaged in the recovery process.. I am moving forward... whether I think I am or not.

.

that's a good one to remember because we so esily forget that we ARE recovering!!!

We are feeling for the first time, its alien, it hurts and it frightening and lonely and we are so raw.....

Easy does it folks

You are never alone....
Love purddyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :ValB010:

[always]

Hi Emmer; I was new to this site and while looking found your posting.

Please know that this will get better. Each day will bring one more tiny light until one day, your depression is a memory. YOU are worth it no matter what. Your posting sounded like your wife is concerned about you. Believe in your self she does. I know this is a difficult thing. You said you have had many diagnosis's. I have Lupus. For nearly 15 years I was bounced around. I was told You have A typical MS; ahh no you don't. AH ya you do. It was confusing and frustrating.

I become depressed at times, some times deeply. I now know that my depression is part of the other things happening to my body so it's a sign I need to slow down and let my body heal. Maybe you have overlapping issues. Maybe not. But either way, don't give up. Find something you really enjoy. Hiking, photography, go take a class you have always wanted to. Start investing in YOU. Maybe you and your wife could do it together. Finding joy in simple things is a way into the world. Please continue to let us know how your feeling. big hugs and prays.