Just lost it again

[sugarssweetpea]

I just lost it again on my children for no apparent reason. Just their every day normal actions got on my nerves. They are very high need & need a lot of attention & sometimes I just feel that I have no more to give. I have had a lot of pent up anxiety & frustration over the last few days. Don't know why, but everything makes me mad. I have had a lot of anger. This guy cut me off the other day & I blew my horn, flipped him off & proceeded to follow him. I was ready to get out of the van & beat him silly. Would never do that of course, but really wanted to. I also never lay a hand on my children, just yell. I do not know what is causing these feelings. Also, want to cry over everything. My life is really good, don't have anything to be sad or mad about. Just being selfish I guess. ANyway, sorry for even posting this. I'm sure it has bored you all.

[Ngokpa]

Spirituality counts most when we're down in the trenches. Prayer and/or meditation and working the steps are things we're driven to. There are no quick fixes, and sometimes we have growing pains. But if we want things to be different, we have to do something different.

I don't mean to sound preachy; we all have rough patches. But the crunch time of recovery is about learning new ways of working through them.

[bikewench]

I was pretty good at the snap shows as well Sugar.

I had to learn how to parent without.

I realized that my daughter was needy... cause she NEEDED me...
and I wasn't there.
I was off in my head... or had my head stuck in the toilet... or gawd knows... ya know..??

Children are the helpless pawns in all this crap... and the last thing I wanted to do was pass on my legacy to my daughter.

It takes work.. and amends.. and work.. and amends...

I know the guilt and shame and all the other feelings that are coming up about this.
This would cause me to use... which would make me crazier.. and I'd be snappier... and round and round we go.

I'm gonna look for some stuff that helped me later... got a full day today...
but.. you hang in there Sugar.
You'll learn a new way...
Just give them all the love you can muster... and don't be afraid to say your sorry when you've crossed the line... and explain to them what's going on with you so that the don't think it's THEM.

You've been working really hard Sugar.. so.. you cut yourself some slack around this .. okay..??
your trying... and you care lots.
that will make it right in the end.

[sugarssweetpea]

Yeah, my two year old came in the room when I was posting this thread & said it was an accident. I said what was? He said mama yelling at her two boys. Made me feel really sad. I apologized & asked him for forgiveness. He forgave. I also apologized to my baby. I told them that mama made a bad choice & was going to work really hard not to do that anymore. Everything for the rest of the day has been good.

I did not have my quiet time this morning, that is probably part of the problem. Also, just being so darn TIRED. I put some caffeine back into my diet today, helped for a little bit, but it is only 1pm & I can hardly keep my eyes open. Ridiculous. I went three years without caffeine, thought it would do more than that. I was tired & could have slept by 10 am. Drank the caffeine between 7:30 & 8. Mountain Dew no less ~ 20 oz. Oh well, just have to try to get over this hump. I am just tired of being tired & never being satisfied with anything. Don't know how to change that mindset. I grew up in a very negative home. All of my siblings are very negative. Parents too. Nobody ever sees the good in anything. Everything is poor me, why me. I do not want to be like this anymore. We are supposed to thank God & find the good in everything. Why is it so difficult for me?

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by sugarssweetpea

I'm sure it has bored you all.

Nope. Its not boring, you are not alone, and it is friggin hard work. Im with you on this one. Read the following:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ved-65090.html

[bikewench]

Sugar...

Your body is like a car.
You feed it right.. and take care of it... it'll run like a damn.. and give you years of wonderful happy use ....

And the mind is the kook behind the wheel... ;o)

One is dependant on the other to do the right thing so that the other can do their right thing.

Things will not change untill we change some things.

The 12 steps are a healthy path and a shortcut to feeling good cause their all about behavior and getting past past crap.

If we work them.. things will change because we'll be doing things differently.

Even starting there...

Keep trying Sugar.. as long as your working on it.. its working on you.

[sugarssweetpea]

Thanks BIke, You always know what to say.

[Chance]

I am going to be here for you also. I haven't been in a good spot lately but I can so relate how you feel. I don't have time to post a whole lot right now but I want you to know that I am going to help support you and I will be back tomorrow to post more.

Love Vic

[meli2005]

Being a parent is hard work. Is there any way you can get some time for you. I find that really helps me with my sanity. We all need down time. We all need rest. Without it, things seem like too much to deal with.

[sugarssweetpea]

Thanks Vic & Meli for responding to my post. & for caring. There is not much option for time for me unless they both take a nap at the same time. I have an 8 month old, a 28 month old, & an 8 year old step daughter that is with us some of the time. I teach preschool & in 3 out of the 5 days I have 9 - 10 three year olds. My husband works long hours, but is usually here in the evenings to help me with their baths & bedtime. I guess most of it is selfishness on my part. I will post more on this later, if you guys want to hear. I have to finish getting ready for church this morning. Thanks again for your support.

[Chance]

Originally Posted by sugarssweetpea

I just lost it again on my children for no apparent reason.

That happens to me a lot it is like I am doing really well and then out of the blue I loose it, like my attitude will just shoot right down hill and it is hard for me to get back up.,...

sugarssweetpea I have had a lot of anger

Yep I can really relate to that also. I think that is one of my biggest problems is my anger. My sponsor used to always tell me "Vic there is a lot of power in staying calm." I learned quick back then to stay calm but in this time of my sobriety it hasn't came to me yet. I really need to step back and try practicing some of this stuff again instead of just hearing it.

Also, want to cry over everything.

Again I can relate to that, it hasn't always been like that during this time in sobriety but here lately that is what I have been wanting to do, is just cry. And you know what it is OK to cry, there is in fact a lot of healing in crying.
I hope that you continue this and keep posting here. I started one here too and I am a mess But what I need to do with me is get into action. Life is going to happen with or without me, and I can be happy or sad, but sometimes I feel as if I don't have a choice, yet I know that is not true. Ok I can not wait to hear what is going on. I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Love Vic

[sugarssweetpea]

Vic,
Thank you for reassuring me that i am not alone in this. the last 2 days have been much better. I have been having a quiet time & been praying a lot. In my prayers I pray that God would fill me with His patience, love, kindness, compassion & peace towards my children & everyone I come across. This really helps. I also have been trying to jsut look at them as what true blessings they are. Telling them that. Realizing that they are just children & I need to teach them. If they see mommy throwing a tantrum, what are they going to do in return. Thank you for your prayers & support.

[meli2005]

Glad you are doing better. I have a 20 month old and some days are like a giant test to get through. I just am tired a lot. I work full time and I have been dealing with a spouse who has alcoholism/bipolar. He just started to work on a new job, so I hope things are going to start and stay better around here. I find sometimes some quiet time really revives me, reading a good book I enjoy, going shopping, getting out of hte house. Taking a nap, I know that is hard for you. I admire you for all you do. Motherhood is the hardest job on the earth and little credit is given for it.

[bikewench]

Mommies need to define mommy time though...

Families think moms' have endless energy and resources to draw on...

We do.. but.. we can't have them thinking that... ;o)

kidding...

Down time is essential to keeping a workable attitude for moms...

and I tell ya...
When Mom ain't happy... nobodies happy....
and that can become an ugly cycle...
so.. it benefits mom's in the long run to make sure she gets enough time to herself that she feels renewed and able to respond to the needs that are put apon her.

Gotta work smarter.. not harder.

[Purrdy]

I am thinking of you. I too went through that hell you so eloquently described. I made a promise to myself and that was to always appologise to my kids. Its part of life to know that people get angry or upset, its when they dont know why that eats away at them you know, then they think oh its my fault.
I know your little ones are really young, but they are far more perceptive thatn you ll ever know. Just reassure them that you are saad or tired in thier speak so to speak, they will understand. They will learn about compassion too!! even at their little age. its part of growing up. We cant get it right all of the time and even if we tried to get it right all the time what sort of message would that be to give your kids, hey look i get it right all the time so should you!
So appologise and love them just being there you will never know what a wonderful mum you are.
A cuddle, a few kind words, just talk....You are doing a great job. Being a mum is one of the hardest things to do, they know you love them.

Tiredness is a killer, try to get as much rest as you can. If they are asleep dont go tidying up or stuff like that GET your head down!!!!!sleep or rest
Sending you LOVE and HUGS


Purrdddyxxxxx

[meli2005]

Bikewench, once saw a magnet that said

"If mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

[bikewench]

"If mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

I've proven that one to myself a few times... ;o)

Great fridge magnet.. lol

[sugarssweetpea]

Yeah, I do always apologize to them. I tell them why & reassure them that it is not htem. I tell them that mommy made a bad choice & will try not to let it happen again. This last time, my two year old came in after it was done & said, it was an accident mommy. I said what was. He said yelling at your two boys. We had our talk & the apologies were said after that.

I have started having my quiet time wiht God every morning again & praying for God to fill me with His peace, patience, kindness, love, compassion for everyone. He has. Teh last couple of days have been really good. I have really connected with my family. My husband even said that he could tell that I had been praying. God is so good. He is always there to help & guide us if only we would ask.

[meli2005]

Glad you are getting some serenity. Quiet time is important, you need that time to meet your own needs too and to get close to God.