I Need To Be Here Right Now

[Cindi R]

Here's to hoping you had a much better day!
Hang in there Vic...
Remember, one day at a time.

[Chance]

So here is what happened it is quite an experience. When I was leaving yesterday to go to the hospital, I opened the door and there sat my package that my sister back home had sent to me. I opened it really quick to take a peak. Now back in the day, it was always the same birthday present, I bag of weed, a fifth of JD, and a carton of cigarettes. Well it hasn't been that way for a while now. When I opened it sat a carton of cigarettes, candy, summer sausage, a set of sheets for my bed, a Rudolph that poops jelly beans , a billfold that had a 20 dollar bill and a gift card to JC Penney's (she know I like my 501 Blues), and a Power Pack 200 plus (it jumps starts cars, air compressor, and has electric outlet, flashlight on it). What a dear sister huh.

So I get to the hospital and of course my sponsor takes me, and he knew that this medicine for the interferon was driving me nuts. He told other people and they just didn't know what to do, they almost took me to the hospital anyway if the nurse didn't tell me to go. So anyway when we get there he sits there with me until I am all booked in and then he gave me a hug and said when I am done to call him. I go in the room feeling the effects from the shot, and now the shot has started to work on my mind just a little bit. I go in the room and this nurse like lady comes in and says to me "What are you thinking right now?" I said to her "Do you want me to really tell you the truth? The truth on how my mind is that it is telling me that you don't give a **** about me, you don't know me so how the hell could you care about me anyway." She said that she understood!! I said excuse me and she said that she also has sever depression and she understood.

So anyway I get done telling her, and then someone else comes in, and someone else and I am telling all these people how my mind is and by this time I had been there for two hours or more telling all these people the same thing. Then they called someone in from the Mental Crisis Unit, but this lady said Bless YOUR Heart for staying clean all this time. I ended up telling her the same thing that I already told 5 other people by now and then she left. When she left and I sat on that hospital bed the thought came to my mind "Holy **** Vic, You need to do something here, you need to do something different!!!" I lowered my head and I prayed, I prayed God HELP ME! The lady from the crisis unit came back and said "Are you going to harm anyone else or yourself tonight?" I said NO and she said they think that they will let me go. The prescribed me Zoloft which is the best thing they could come up with for the time being. She said that she would tell the doctor to release me. As she was walking out I asked her if I could then call for my ride and she said YES>I thanked her.

As I was sitting there I said Vic you are not mentally well. Vic you are no different then a lot of other addicts/alcoholics. Vic remember it says that we are Physically and mentally different that normal people. Well I knew I was physically different but I surrendered on that hospital bed that I too am mentally different and that is OK with me. I truly believe that I might even be bipolar I am going to look into that now..

I was exhausted staying there for 4 hours. All the questions, alone, crazy thoughts starting to fill my head from the shot. They said I need to stay off of the treatment until I can let this Zoloft take effect maybe two weeks. I called my nurse this morning and she said maybe a week to give her a call and see how I am doing. Now my day today guys listen to this.

I called a guy in the program here who also is going through the Hep C treatment but he did it the right way. Anyway I called to ask where the JC Penney's was so I could go shopping to get my 501's from my gift card and get my Zoloft prescription filled right? I just started my truck before I called at 5 till NOON> He said are you coming to a meeting and I said no that I needed to get this stuff done. On the way there I said Vic you know that is Bull **** you can get that done after the meeting. So I went down there to the meeting. They all were going to a town that is about 30 miles from here to another meeting that started at 2. I said that I needed to get my prescription filled and he said we could drop it off and then I was going with all of them to this meeting. I went and got home about 4 got something to eat and went to a Big Book Meeting at my home group at 5:30 then when it got over I went to my NA meeting at 7 then I just got home.

I am reaching out, I am telling everyone that I need them and I am letting them come into my life. I am allowing me to be loved. I am allowing me to be loved. It is OK for people to love me. They don't want to hurt me they all want to help. I am finally seeing that I need help and it is OK. God thanks , SR thanks, MY SPONSOR THANKS> I am going to call a psychiatrist tomorrow and go from there. I think I am Bipolar!!!!! I am happy to know I have really surrendered to my sickness. Thanks

Love Vic

[cwohio]

wowee partner - that was quite a mouthful! LOL what a great sister you have - you're going to have to take a pic of that "pooping" rudolph so we can all have a laugh. you've come out on the other side vic and i was so glad to read this positive post tonight! you DO deserved to be loved - let it in buddy!

[Chance]

Morning! I must have been on a peak yesterday I noticed that this morning well LOL It is almost noon now that I am kind of down right now. I am going to try to get out of my head right now but I almost feel trapped already. I know that it takes a while for these meds to kick in. I guess they always start out on 50mg and that is what I am on. I am also hurt because my kids didn't even remember my birthday. It is so hard sometimes when you need to be loved and you are reaching for it and yet you don't feel it. This could be just my mental state, or like they say in the program self pity. I think it is a lot deeper than that.

I am hanging on I need to force myself to go to a meeting tonight. Also I think that this person here basically used me to get what they needed from the program and now I feel like that is all that anyone wants from me. Just get what they need, don't care about how it will in fact make me feel in the end. Then I have some people here at SR that have certain motives. They are following me to see how all is going for me, I see them sometimes checking out my post but yet they don't want to be around me either. I see stuff like that and then my disease says that they don't care Vic. I guess I just want people to like me. I know that it is impossible for everyone to like me hell I don't like everyone either but I also try to be helpful to them as well.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening if you were.

Love Vic

[Anna]

Vic,

I am so glad you went through what you did and survived and are now on a path to get better. Sometimes we need to through really tough things to get to the place that we need to be. I think you're there now. Talking to a psychiatrist is a good idea and opening yourself up to people and allowing them to love you is a great idea.

Vic, I don't know if every single person at SR has desireable motives for being here. In my experience, almost everyone here is trying to help themselves and to help others. I think you need to remember that everyone is on their own journey going through their own stuff and if it seems like they don't want to be around you, maybe they just can't right now. It's not something to worry about. There are loads of people here, me included, who love you and truly care about what happens to you. Take that and hold onto it and you'll get through this.

By the way, you have a great sister and that's something special. I have only one brother and we hardly communicate at all. Vic, you're going to be fine. And you should be so proud of yourself for going through all this and staying clean!

[cwohio]

the world is full of people that might "use" you vic. doesn't matter if you're an addict or not. what anna said is right on - everyone is on their own journey - i ham learning that not everyone thinks the way i do (imagine that! LOL) be gentle with yourself and go to your meeting tonight - you'll be glad you did! ((vic))

[Cindi R]

Vic...You are doing great buddy.
There's this guy in our group that always says..."never forget that you are the miracle...for each day that an addict doesn't pick up a drink or a drug is a miracle". and he also says "Keep cooming back and more will be revealed"...he's got over 14 years in the NA program.
I also don't think that people come here to check up on your progress who do not care...I think that most people who read and do not respond simply can't come up with anything that that they think would be helpful to say...
I myself feel that way sometimes...I'd like to say something to someone who's obviously in pain or going through a rough time but I've never walked a mile in their moccasins...
so it's hard to comeup with helpful words if you've never had a related experience...
You understand what I'm saying?
Anyway you're sister sounds great...
I'm sorry that the kids forgot your B-day...
{{{Hugs}}}
Keep on doin' what you're doin'...
I'm happy to hear that you got out yesterday...

[BSPGirl]

Hmm seems it was basically a chemical reaction that went outta hand inside your body, hmm....I'm glad you feel better.

[Chance]

Today I am on day 4 of Zoloft, I have been busy going to meetings the last two days. I am going to get going here soon today. I think that my head is OK but yet I don't know. I am going to answer some more of my questions in my NA Step Study Guide on Step 5 today. I have been allowing people into my life here and I hate it. Now it seems like they all think they need to be in all of my business. I think that is also why I have isolated I am not sure. Anyway keep putting one foot in front of the other right? Have a good day.

Love Vic

[bikewench]

I have been allowing people into my life here and I hate it. Now it seems like they all think they need to be in all of my business.

hehehe...
and the lesson for today...

...boundaries... !!!!! ;o)

That sick feeling in the gut is my indicator that I have just been trod on...

I tend to keep people at bay in real life cause I don't have time to sift through the stuff they put out there...
I have to keep the zingers outa my life.. cause it takes too much energy to figure everything out and stand up for myself... lol

Live simply... laugh often.. love much.
that is my mantraaaaa...


You sound much better today Vic.. ;o)

[Anna]

Vic,

I think your friends want to help you and in doing so, they are probably crossing lines that you are not comfortable with. It's all about boundaries and that's a really hard thing to figure out. But, don't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable, life is too short.

[Chance]

Boundaries LOL I confronted them and then this guy called my sponsor again today to tell him something. I told my sponsor that "I was asked to do this and if these people have a problem with it that they might need to look at themselves because the only motive I have is to be of help." I told my sponsor that this guy calling him about what I am doing is really none of his business anyway and I think that my sponsor talked to him because I seen him at the meeting and usually he hugs me and when I went to hug him he pushed me away . I figure well that is life we will never be able to make everyone happy. One thing about it, it really didn't even hurt my feelings, I think two things are happening maybe the Zoloft is taking effect or that medicine is leaving my system on the interferon. Whatever it is I don't care I actually have been doing pretty well here for the last few days I think.

Today the sun was out and it was nice and I felt the sun hit my skin. It felt so good. I was in my pickup waiting for this guy from the salvation army to come out of the food stamp place, reading my NA Basic Text, and it just seemed like everything is going to be OK....It will be OK...I am not sure if I really want to get back on the interferon. I am not sure yet if I can handle it, life is too short anyway. Life is good today.

Love Vic

[meli2005]

I have heard that the interferon treatment is really horrible. SOrry you have to go through this. Just try to take it one day at a time, get thru each day , one at a time. I sure hope the entire time is not like this for you. It's good to talk about it. Is there a forum somewhere online where there are others who have been thru this treatment personally?

[Chance]

Day 5 on Zoloft I am feeling OK today again. I am not going to try and figure out anything today, I am just going to enjoy the day again. I feel so content right now it is hard to explain. I have a lot to do again today, I am going to meetings. Yesterday I went to JC Penney's and got my 501 Jeans I just love the way they button up always have. OK I pray everyone here has a good day and may God bless each of you

Love Vic

[bikewench]

501's eh...?? ;o)


The sexiest pants on the earth...










Bite me Dockers.. ;o)

[Anna]

Vic, I think not trying to figure too much out today is a great idea. I think us addicts always over-analyze any situation and try to see things where sometimes there is nothing to see. Just enjoy your day and I'm glad you found your jeans!

[Time4Change]

Originally Posted by bikewench

501's eh...?? ;o)

The sexiest pants on the earth...

Bite me Dockers..

Classic! Absolutely classic! (I also happen to agree! Love them 501's!)

Vic! I cracked up when I read about your sister's gift to you, the pooping Rudolph. Hee! I put those in my kids' Xmas stockings. They're really cute, aren't they?! Made me smile when you wrote that.

Dude, you've been to hell and back! Whew! I'm so glad you're on the new medication and starting to feel a bit better. You're a good man, Vic. You have a kind heart. You can do this. You're great at reaching out and saying "Dammit, I need help!" That's a gift. A lot of people have trouble doing that, and they'll find themselves sinking deeper and deeper before they finally give in. You, however, value your life and value your friends. You know we love you so you don't hesitate to ask for help. I really like that about you.

Oops, gotta take my daughter to school now. I'll check in later.

[Chance]

Thanks everyone yep life is just absolutely getting wonderful like it used to be I think. I love 501's I have worn them for quite a while now but I have a hard time spending my money on them but then again when my sis sent me my gift card that is what I always get.

Anna I think us addicts always over-analyze any situation and try to see things where sometimes there is nothing to see.

Yep I agree with you there Anna we are really good at trying to figure things out when sometimes it is just best to accept things and let it go.

OK this is day 6 on Zoloft right? The day before yesterday a guy asked me if I would be his sponsor and I said I would have to ask my sponsor first. Mine said that I was definitely ready so I told him OK. He said that he is more AA and I said it doesn't matter I will sponsor him the same way mine have sponsored me. I told him to read the first 164 of the Big Book and when he was done to let me know. Well I have to get out again just lovely day outside. Looks really peaceful today. Love You all...Hope you all have a wonderful day and let us remember that nothing is going to happen to us today that God and us can not handle together.

Love Vic

[Grimnar]

Glad you are feeling better Vic.

[Chance]

Originally Posted by Grimnar

Glad you are feeling better Vic.

Thanks Grimnar it feels absolutely wonderful. I just called my nurse but she didn't answer the phone I think that I am going to wait one more week. I don't have to rush into anything today. I will see what she says but other than that life is good today.

Love Vic

[Chance]

Just talked to my nurse and she said that my doctor was not going to put me on the treatment again until he saw me and made sure that I was in stable condition. She wanted me in there by next week my appointment isn't until the 15th. She said that I can miss one shot but not to many more than that. I called the hospital and left a message, I hope to hear something back. The nurse made this comment too. She said that I know in my heart if I can continue the treatment. I think really deep down inside that I know that I can not handle it. Yet I know that I really need it also. I am hoping that these meds Zoloft will help. She said that it is way too soon to notice anything as far as the Zoloft is concerned so my attitude here lately must be back to a normality for me since I haven't taken the shots.

I am pleased to know that I am not any more nuts then what I was thinking. OMG I don't know if I could in fact handle that. I am grateful though that I have learned to reach out for help, now I am going to try and not get so far down before I tell people that I need help. I know today that this is going to be OK either way. I am happy today, I am not real high or low I am just content. I have a lot of work to do on ME>>>and today I am doing it, and I am also learning that I need to be gentle with Vic. He isn't that bad of a guy actually he is a really kind hearted man, who wants to help others. Ok thanks for being here for me.

Love Vic

[susane1408]

Just need to give you a hug ((((((((Vic)))))))

[cwohio]

((vic)) you are indeed a kind-hearted man!

[Anna]

Vic,

I'm glad you're starting to see yourself for the good guy that you are!

And, I think it's good that your dr wants to see you in person before he (and you) decide to continue with the shots.

Just hang in there and enjoy your day.

[Chance]

Thanks everyone here is what I just posted but I wanted to share it here also....

Tonight I am very grateful, these people at the meeting I went to gave me such a wonderful compliment. When I walked up they said Hi Vic and I said hi and they said what has happened to you. I said what do you mean and they said that I have a glow on me shinning through. I don't know but I really feel at peace within that is all I know. So tonight I am grateful for my peace.

Love Vic