I Need To Be Here Right Now

[Chance]

My sponsor just called and asked me what is going on? I don't know the nurse hasn't called back but here she said that the psychiatrist don't take medicaid and medicare. I am physically weak right now I want to go to sleep, my vision is starting to blur right now and then usually the next thing that happens after the physical, and vision part of the shot is the emotional, that my mind says that people don't care. I think that by tonight it will be there. I told my sponsor that right now I am ok I just want to sleep I am so weak. My sister sent me a package for my birthday I should get it today I told her what is going on and she started to cry. I really feel as if I am loosing my mind. I am sitting here bawling. God I hate this..... The nurse told me to stop all medication for now....

[Anna]

Oh Vic, I'm sorry this is so hard.

If your mind starts to play games with you tonight, come back and read this thread and your birthday thread and you'll see how many people care about you.

Just try to rest and hang on.

[cwohio]

hey vic - listen to what they are telling you - how awesome that you have a sponsor that is willing to go above and beyond! breathe, slowly - that helps me when i feel like i am losing it. saying more prayers right now at work for ya buddy - hang in there!

you'll have to tell us what your sister sent for your birthday. it sounds like she cares alot that you are in pain and misery right now.

(((vic)))

[Chance]

OK the nurse just called and I told here that the vision thing is getting blurry and that after that the emotional part kicks in really bad. She said that she thinks that there is a history going on here and that she has called the Psychiatric unit and is waiting for them to call her or me. I think they are going to admit me now ..I am so scared. I told her that I just want to sleep right now and she said NO>>>God I don't know how much more I can handle it seems like a lot to deal with right now. All I want to do is sleep and rest my mind. What happens if they lock me up? I need to be home. I wonder if they have internet there

[Anna]

Oh, Vic, they won't lock you up. Hopefully, they'll be able to give you some good advice. The thing is that you can't keep going on like this through shot after shot, and maybe they'll be able to settle things so that it doesn't bother you like this.

Have faith Vic!

[Cindi R]

They just want to be able to help you Vic...
They may have you in a locked unit, but it will be ok.
They just need to be able to give you meds to help with the paranoia...and possibly monitor your BP & stuff...
They will eventually let you sleep and you won't be "locked up" for very long...I'm sure...just for a day or two
This is what's best for you Vic...let them help you
OK?
Don't fight it...
They really mean you no harm buddy...
They just wanna help you get through this roughest part...

[Chance]

OK the nurse just called I have to go to the emergency room and tell them that I am having servere depression and that the suicidal thoughts have been there. I also called my sponsor and he is coming to get me because she said that I can not drive myself right now. Yep they are going to lock me down I think Well I just want to thank each of you when I get to I will let you know what is going on...I have to go now. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!! This is Bull **** if it wasn't for these ******* shots I wouldn't be this way I don't think this is right I am pissed I really am...Bye

[Cindi R]

Prayers and Big really tight hugs {{{{{Vic}}}}}
This too shall pass...

[velvet]

They will help you. Calm down. You are going to be ok...now.

[bikewench]

Vic...

Let go and just go with the process...
Let them help you.
We'll be waiting to hear about it when you get back..


Praying for you Vic..
be strong.

[Time4Change]

Originally Posted by luckyv2

... I have to go to the emergency room and tell them that I am having servere depression and that the suicidal thoughts have been there.

I think that is good news, Vic. You will be admitted and on a 24-hour watch, being treated by doctors and nurses who will help you get well. That's the best thing for you right now. I'm glad your sponsor could take you to the ER. What a blessing he is. We're all praying for you, Vic. Just relax and let them take care of you.

Let go and let God .....

[Anna]

Vic, I know you'll be home soon and we'll all be here waiting for you.

[cwohio]

(((vic)))

[bikewench]

Hey Vic...

glad your back...

How many phone numbers did ya get...?? ;o)

Kidding..
take it easy...

[Chance]

I am home just thought I would let you know I am going to bed I think it has been a really strange day. My treatment is OFF. I will let you know later I am going to bed..Thanks.

[Anna]

Hey Vic,

I see you're back. I hope they treated you well!

[cwohio]

hope you get some much deserved sleep tonight ((vic))

[Chance]

Does all of this really help? Is there really even help? I wonder sometimes, why it really doesn't matter. We all have issues!!! We all have pains, we all have things that either are or are not. I sit here just wondering how can life be the life that we actually live in? Isn't there somewhere else that I could be. This one person said that only 1 out of 500 meth users make it. So my mind says that I would be willing to let my life go so the other 499 could survive without the disease of active addiction. I am not that powerful. Yet I would really turn my life into the undertaker if I knew that 499 others would be free. I just can not sleep right now.

See here is how my mind is working right now. Maybe you should do a clean sweep on it because sometimes I get these pop up windows and they will just keep popping up when I click the X. Yet I know it will take me 3 hours to do a clean sweep but really now I don't have anything else going on. I can not sleep and yet I am tired. Yesterday was a day that was so confusing with all of the questions that they were asking me. I am not sure if I even knew how to answer them. I even had to ask them what the hell they were talking about. I feel so inadequate anymore. They all commended me on my accomplishment with my sobriety yet I think that they are all full of ****. How in the hell can they even care? They don't even know me and yet I had physical contact with them. They are real!..Yet I come here and I think I know you all better. Sometimes I don't know if I am really able to live anymore. I am just so tired of the fight and yet the fight isn't always there.

To be honest they said that I probably won't live a lot more years anyway before my liver shuts down since it has started to scare. They said that people who have Hep C maybe last 20 years. I think I am almost done anyway. What now they have stopped my treatment for the Hep C, they said not to take any of the medicine that I was on for it. And yet in my head I am saying they don't know what the hell they are doing. Who in the hell do I think I am anyway,,,God. Well I don't really believe that I am. I knew God once. I knew him really good I thought. I always thought that I was in fact His faithful servant. Then I turned on HIM>>>Ok just needed to vent probably don't know what to do anymore.

[cwohio]

vent away vic - i applaud your courage to lay your feelings out there - raw as they may be right now!we don't know what tomorrow hols for us - it's hard to grasp that sometime and that's where I have to really let go and believe that God has a plan for me that I can't even begin to comprehend. hang in there buddy - i too am feeling ver insane tonight! you're not alone.

[bikewench]

Vic...

I know your floundering...
And I know the negative thoughts are battling for control.

Telling oneself to give up the fight cause one might have only 20 years left at the good is bullshyte though.

Any one of us can get killed tommorrow.

It's not about down the road.

It's about doing our best today....in whatever form that takes.

This is my opinion Vic.. and take it as that..
But.. I think that once your a little more grounded in yourself ... when your not so shakey... ;o)...
.. then maybe you can take a look at the treatment again... once you've had a chance to prepare yourself for what's coming.

Maybe it's just too much too soon.

Just keep workin as hard as you are Vic.
Your gonna bust through.
your gonna be one that's gonna make it.. and you'll help others to make it through as well. that's how it works.... ;o)

So... relax and have a good sleep...
tommorrow is another day... and it's gonna be one in recovery... so.. things will only get better...

.. and that's the truth...:tongue2:

[Anna]

Vic, none of knows how long we have left in this life. That's just not the way it works. And, doctors and nurses have no more idea how long we are going to live than we ourselves do. They are just human beings too. Listen to their opinions and then file them away. Having faith is such an important part in all this Vic. Having faith that things will work out as they should is important. Maybe things won't work out the way you think they should. That's something that I struggle with every day too. I KNOW how I want things to work out, LOL.

I hope you're feeling better this morning!

[Chance]

Feeling mentally fit this morning so far and I have plans here today with my life and they don't include SR all day . I have things that I am going to sit down and really think about. One is if I should in fact move back home. My sponsor here and the one back home thinks that I am running, but God I feel like I need people in my life right now that really do know Vic and people that Vic really knows. That could be just another thing that I really need to check my motives. I don't know of course I have other things that I want to do today like get outside and go shopping LOL>>I got my package yesterday from my sister as I opened my door to go to the hospital my package was outside my door I hurried and opened it to check out a few things that I had gotten and some cool things. I will post later tonight about that stuff. Thanks everyone. I will fill you in more tonight about what happened yesterday also. I have a new script I have to get filled called Zoloft I think. Does anyone know about this one? Is it a mood stabilizer or just an anti D? I don't know anything. OK I have to get into Action today.

Love Vic

PS OH yeah I read what I said at almost 1:00 in the morning OMG LOL I need help....

[bikewench]

Have a great day Vic.. ;o)

[Anna]

So glad you're feeling better and getting out today Vic. Yes, the moving thing will take a lot of thought.

This is from the Zoloft website:

"Zoloft® (sertraline HCl) is a type of antidepressant known as a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It's approved to treat depression, social anxiety disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) in adults over age 18. It is also approved for OCD in children and adolescents age 6-17 years."

[cwohio]

hey buddy vic - what a difference a day makes, huh? LOL glad you are going to get out of the house today - that will definitely make you feel better - more connected. hope the new meds work for you.

can't wait to hear about your gifts from your sister!