Lonely, alone & desperate!

[waterface]

Hi

I'm so low & alone at the moment. I have no confidence & motivation & feel bad. I get the occasional up feeling, folowed by a down & cry a lot! I am codependent, i have just messed up my relationship that may have moved into a romantic one until i opened my big mouth as i was insecure! I could be with her in Estonia now, instead i'm here & crying & dwelling.

I shouldn't be in a relationship my psychiatrist says as i'm need to be ok with myself! I tend to need others for my self happiness & confidence. We all want to be loved & nobody more than me, just nobody does. Not because i'm a bad guy, just because i'm too needy & push people too much!

I take lexapro & valium & will see my councelor tommorow. I just don't know what to do, i'm very desperate at the moment!

Gaz

[sugarssweetpea]

Gaz,

First of all, you are not alone. There are a lot of us that have the same feelings you do. As far as being psycially alone, God is with you wherever you are. Just call out to Him. He loves you. Hang in there. Keep posting.

[bikewench]

That's right Gaz...
your not alone.

And it WILL get better.
Just keep pluggin away.. keep posting.. keep seeking...


You know...
I've been very alone in too many of my relationships... so...

In the end.. it's ourselves that's supposed to be there for ourselves...

Thats when we're home.

Stay close Gaz...
it'll get better.

[waterface]

Thanks

Sometimes my feelings of regret & pain are so overwhelming, i cry & the pain normally goes but today it isn't. Day after day after day! I just don't know what to do. I don't know if i'lll ever see her again, i could be there with her now havng a good time, but she is the one making me have a good time, not from within myself!

I was looking forward to the trip, just i thought i wasn't going for the right reasons, that i was going just because i'd paid for a ticket, not because i was wanted there, it would have been false. Any advice on this, i need to know if i was right. I just asked her if she wanted me to go because of ME, or that it was paid for, i needed to know. I wasn't asking her to be my full on gf, just to know that she wanted me as a friend there.

I said, if i didn't have a ticket, but could go to airport with you & get one, would you want me to go & she said no! That made up my mind, but still i'm upset, & think i should have gone with it! I didn't care the money, just that i was going for right reasons!

gaz

[shutterbug]

Gaz....everything will be okay, but you have to start looking inside instead of outside for happiness. How? Start going to Alanon, reading codie books and posting in the friends and Family forum or the Adult Children forum.

Everything you are saying here is coming from the codependency....and the mental health issues and meds are just a side issue really. The above mentioned forums deal explicitly with codependency and dear.....everything I hear from you are the same words I was yelling out before I found Alanon and started focusing on myself last year. And all my friends were so very tired of hearing me crying anc complaining and asking for advice until I decided to start a "relationship" journal. I wrote letters to the person, I wrote out every one of my feelings and thoughts about the persona and the relationship. Everytime my mind went to that person, I grabbed that journal and started filling up the pages. And you know what? I got so tired of listening to myself talk about the same things and the same feelings over and over that THAT is when I found clarity and was able to start looking inside myself.

You are obsessed and addicted to the "idea" of being in a relationship and being in love. So many thousands of people, men and women, have been and continue to be in that same place you are now.....so reach out to them in those 2 forums I mentioned above. Ask them what to do and how to start looking inside yourself and REALLY listen to the answers and try to learn as much as you can.

You are so desperate to feel love right now that you are letting it control your life....and that never ends happily.

Hugs,
Jenna

[bikewench]

Hey Gaz...

Jenna said it all.

I know we want to focus on the situation.. and the individual...
round and round...
in our heads...

but.. that's what we have to stop.
that cycling in our heads...
for.. it does NOTHING in the real world.

When we get past our codependancy.... or.. begin to understand it anyway..
It's easy to see then that .. having to beg to be loved.. or.. feeling that we'er unlovable...
this all springs from a need within us ...
but.. this need is us needing us.

I'm not there for me.
And my body/psyche knows it... and it punishes me with hurtful feelings that do not go away as long as I think along this vein.

Like Jenna says...
read the other forums...
.. maybe seek out some face to face Alanon meetings...

Your going to get your head around all this if you just keep at it.

[waterface]

Thanks all

This is what gets me, i know your right, but my thought process & internal feelings tell me otherwise, like there's a little demon in there pulling me the wrong way!

Jenna, i think also time will help me, i know that when i've been hurt before & obsessive towards something, it's took time & only time, but also i need to address te initial problem. It just seem so inconceivable that my though process can change at the moment. I am not here for me, thats why i sometimes use the blade on my arms & sleep all day, i need to be rescued again i'm afraid, i have nobody!

Does Alanon deal with codependency, i thought it was for familys who live with an alcoholic?
I have posted on the family forum, is that the adult children one, i can't seem to see that one!

I feel immature & stupid, my family tell me to grow up & act my age, this makes me feel worse & want to be further from them & closer to my s/o.
I guess it's pointless asking & not the big issue, but was i right not to go! I mean i know i would have felt stronger for her & my heartbreak more when she ups & leaves in February, but should i have gone just because of the ticket, this pulls on me all the time!
huggs to u all
gaz

[bikewench]

Gaz...

but my thought process & internal feelings tell me otherwise, like there's a little demon in there pulling me the wrong way!

Your right.
There is a little demon.. ;o)
It's ourselves.


We .. at some point... developed a belief around something.
Depending on how intense the situation.. and how it impacted us... the message will be less or more powerful.

The thing is.. we internalize these thoughts... and then they begin to define our outlook on the world.. and our world begins to reacte to what we'er putting out there.

So.. you see.. it all begins with us.


Looking to another to make us feel better...
Well.. we're always gonna be lookin then.. right..??


Alanon is about taking care of ourselves.

It's about boundaries.

We just need to change a few things in our heads to bring about an amazing transformation.

Keep coming back Gaz...
it'll all make sense.. you'll see..

[teetazsteeler]

hey, dont be so, gloomy. i dont know you but, you seem like a good person. listen it might be your feelings in an uproar. i have been going trhough uproars too. i get scared sometimes i'll lose my boyfriend. he is good to me. i get so, mad at him. i know we love each other. now if it gets to much for both of us to handle well we will deal with that when it comes. you are not alone many of us feel or, have felt like you at one time or another. remember you keep an eye on you dont worry about others. if she loves you she will be back. wacth i am saying this to you now and same thing might happen to me. i try to be positive though im crazy. you are a good person.

[waterface]

Hi all
Yeh, i been talking about all this to my psychoterapist today, about me being saying things to her that aren't natural, imagining things like wether she wants to go with me because of this & that & i realise it's the way i think, i must have a missing link in my brain as it seems ok to ask the questions i do, like why this & why that, reassurance etc!
God, i'm stupid man! Why does my mind say these things, i get the urge & then regrets along the way!
I know i have to change my thought process, be able to tghink before i talk, she saw my attention needininess before i even told her of my anxietys & she aint a doc!
It scares people, maybe i feel it's too late for this one, i've dugg my hole & i hope i'll be aware in the future!
I know that what i seem to be ok, to others isn't & in a relationship that can be devastating & it scares me, big time, as it's natural!

[bikewench]

Gaz...

You did what you did up to this point cause you didn't know how to do it any differently.


Relationships are tricky... and when we're not on rock solid ground ourselves...
man.. I'd be happy with just tricky.. ;o)
The whole scene has kicked my feet out from under me more times than I care to admit.

But.. each time I learn something...
And.. I go on.. hopefully to do it better.

And your lucky you got SR here now...
man.. that's like mainlining relationship recovery.

[shutterbug]

You are not stupid you just have your relationship/love wires crossed. Codependency is generally something that is passed from generation to generation, just like addiction. Like Bikewench said....you act and think the way you act and think b/c you haven't known any other way. You were "programmed" in a sense to think and feel the way you have been. It's okay to be you and to feel however you feel, but it's also up to you to choose if you want to learn healthier ways of thinking and acting.

Time can heal wounds, but the scars always remain and the next cut to that same spot tends to take a little more time to heal than the last time. Alanon and learning about co-dependency can help take some of those scars away and can DEFINETLY help keep from ever getting cut like that again.

Alanon is designed for "friends and family of alcoholics".....why are friends included? Because even friends can become "infected" with codependency from hanging out with alcoholics...and typically if you have friends who are addicts then you have other codependency issues.

Adult Children of Alcoholics is the other forum. There is also a Nar-anon forum for the friends and family of other substance abuse addicts.

The key goal in all of those forums is to help codies like you and me learn how to start loving ourselves and to "re-wire" our brains so that we can recognize healthy people and things and to starting wanting those things in our life rather than the destructive things that end up hurting us.

Look to your family....anyone in your family (immediate or otherwise). Does anyone appear to have an addiction of any kind? Even gambling is an addiction. All addictions come from the same place in my book...no matter what the drug of choice.

I hate to keep calling you a codie b/c I don't know if you've come to realize or accept what being a codie is or means? But typically, codie's result from addiction and that is why I ask about your family.

I want so badly to help you become free of what this has on you and your life b/c I know what all those emotions and things feel like.

And I personally think that Alanon and the 12-steps taught through Alanon is an awsome life program for anyone....regardless of a connection to alcohol or not.

Basically, I'm trying to tell you that you have to stop coming up with excuses and just start learning what co-dependency is by reading about it. It took me about a month of reading everything I could get my hands on for things to really start clicking in my head and only then was I able to start understanding what everyone here was trying to explain to me.

I hated to read too, but I knew I wanted to be happy and I was tired of chasing after love and loves so I made up my mind to start acting as if I was taking a class in school and had to read about all these things and understand them. It didn't cost me very much (only the cost of some of the books I bought at garage sales and used book stores) and I learned possible one of my most valuable lessons in life.

So you just have to make up your mind and then start putting your energy into learning as much as you can. I promise that it will hasten time alone where a broken heart is concerned. (I nearly killed myself over my last relationship and probably would have had I NOT found Alanon and starting my learning journey and working on my codie recovery).

One thing I can almost certainly guarantee is that if you don't start working to "re-wire" your brain about relationships and love then you will continue to repeat this same cycle....with some relationships being more successful than others, but never finding true happiness. It's THAT important!

Even if you don't feel you "fit into" the other forums for whatever reason....there is still so much to be learned from reading through them. Start with the stickies and the "best of soberrecovery"

Read up about boundaries and self-love and a hundred different other topics. If you would like I would be glad to hunt up some reading material for you that I think would give you a good basis to grow on....I just really want to help you in any way I can.

Hugs,

[waterface]

Hi all

I t just scares me so much, especially that she, saw a flaw in me, that she recognised that i need 'attention' & that my actions were natural to me & it may have scared her & i have to live with that! I'm wondering how to explain things to her when she gets back, like should i explain i have this problem? I think i need to but am afraid it will distance her further .

I do need to rewire my brain & Alanon is something i shall look into definately! My cousin is an alcoholic & ex drug abuser, but he seems to be ok in the relationship department!
I understand that reading will hasten the time i have to dwell & think about myself & will stop me feeling like doing myself in over hw i am & what could've been in many relationships!
gaz

[waterface]

So alone, cutting, drinking & desperate, can't go on anymore!

[Wolfstarr]

Gaz!!

Talk to us, please check in...you know we all care...and yes you can go on!
This, too shall pass Gaz. Just write down and pour it out. You are NOT alone.
We are here...
Waiting to hear from ya...

[sugarssweetpea]

GAZ,

Please hang in there. Please continue to come here to talk it out. Do not give up. You can go on. Talk, talk, talk, talk & then talk some more. Sending out lots of love & lots of hugs to you.

[bikewench]

Gaz....

Things take time to get better...
You gotta try to slow the crap down and give this a chance...

SR is a lifeline...
but .. you gotta use it... and be patient...

Keep writing it out.. okay..??
here or there.. don't matter...
it'll help stop the cycling.

You making any meetings Gaz..??

At the very least.. tell us what's wrong.

[sugarssweetpea]

Gaz,

How are you? Please write.

[waterface]

All i have is here & i need you all.

Thats why i'm alone because i'm needy, i push & seek reasurance, i hate this so much, people i love i am responsible for them not being with me now!

It's based on my codependence, my happiness from others, this girl is back now & in hear nothing, but i'm in love & in pain. Naive & inexperienced i am & this is why it all affects me so much.

love you all

[Wolfstarr]

Gaz, I can tell you that I am a needy, approval seeking, reassurance wanting person, too...but I am working on it! I know that feeling so well and sometimes I just despise myself with all that I have for being so needy...

But..

I am so working on this, wanting to change myself, wanting to be so sure of and confident. It's working. I can honestly say that I have seen much improvement in myself the past few months.

I am so glad you posted...please just keep talking! We are here! We will listen and give you the support we can and you need...you are not alone, gaz.
Love you, too
Wolf

[sugarssweetpea]

Gaz,

I, too struggle with approval addiction. Never sure of myself. Never sure if people really like me or if they are just dealing with me b/c they have to. I have been working on this. I am trying to please only God. I figure if He is happy & pleased with me, then there is no reason for anyone else not to be. I have been trying to see myself as He sees me, not as other people see me. Trying to do things to the best of my ability, not to the best of other people's abiblities.

Also, you may not want to hear this, but here goes. I had told my husband ( when he was still my boyfriend ) about all of my insecurities & issues b/c I really liked him & did not want to keep any secrets from him. I did not want him to find anything out & then leave me for it. I figured I'd get all of the cards out on the table so to speak. So I showed him my journal. I showed him my scars. He stayed. He woke up one night a few months later to find blood all over the kitchen & bathroom in the apartment we were living in. He called 911 because he did not know how bad it was. I got taken to the psyche ward in the hospital b/c I was a danger to myself. He still stayed. We are now married & have 2 beautiful children together. I no longer cut, but still have some pretty insecure & depressive episodes. We are married, we are in this for the long haul. Gaz, when you truely love someone, you stick by them no matter what. You do not leave them when they are hurting the most. That is not love. Please do not blame yourself for her leaving. I do not think it is your fault. I think that it was just not meant to be.

Please stay strong & when you have the urge to cut, please come here to post instead. We are all here for you Gaz.

YOu are not alone. I am sending you lots of love & lots of hugs.

[shutterbug]

Like Wolfstar said....keep writing...write it all out.
Writing out your thoughts is a way to release the caios running around in your head. It very freeing and I think is a big part of why these forums are so popular and helpful to us all. But even if you don't feel like writing here....write to yourself.

When I've been in your kind of situation before, I purposely tried my best NOT to contact the other person or act interested in them at all. My thinking was that if they liked me then they would eventually come to me....and if not then I wouldn't hear from them again. It was my way of figuring out how people really felt about me. It hurts and it's hard, but sometimes you just have to let things be....and if they are meant to happen they will.

Actually, part of my thinking in not contacting the person is that I would try to kind of start over and pretend that I wasn't that interested or make THEM wonder. Why? Well, from my prespective, guys don't like to be chased. Anytime I've ever chased a guy I've ran him off quicker than anything. You see people like the chase. They like "the game"....well, people other than you and me and the like, that is.

If you chase too hard and throw yourself at someone so quickly then you seem needy and people are less attracted to needy people. I would especially quess that a woman would want a man to be more sure of himself and self-suffiecient....a sign of strength. Why? Because, well....for myself: I consider myself a fairly strong woman, but I want to find a man who I could count on to take care of me and be MY strength if ever I need it. Someone who would protect me and stand up for me. Those kind of guys are who most women are attracted to the most.

If you show us that you are so terrified of loosing us right from the beginning then many women will just step all over you knowing that she can get away with just about anything and you will just sit by and take it....same with guys cus I've been treated like that a lot in my time.

Listen, if she's not interested in you and she doesn't care that much about you....I don't care how "good" you feel when you spend time with her b/c in the end there will be a lot more pain on your end then happiness. Find someone who can love you back just as much as you love them.

In the meantime....start getting to know yourself better....become the TRUE you inside rather than the people pleasure you're so use to being. I feel so good about myself these days when I stand up and do something out of the norm just because "I" want to and when I tell my sister "No, you can do that yourself." It really is a wonderful feeling.

I just want to learn who I am and be that person....and when I am true to myself, then I believe I can find someone to truely be with.

I wish that for the both of us.
Hugs,

[waterface]

All
I read al you say & cry a lot, tears just flow easily at the moment! Sugarssweetpea, i realy get your post, it is just me & Shutters too, god i feel so crap.
I've been very insecure & needing to be in contact, such a perverse feeling to wonder why, why this is happeneing, thatwe had such good times, enjoyed each others company & now this.
Like it was inevitable that once we came back, she would end it! Maybe it's like a stay of execution as she will be moving away soon anyway!, but i thoughtlove would conquour all.
I've texted her & got nothing, felt so desperate & needy!
You all say work on it & i know your right , i just am so depressed, i haven't at the mo, any motivation to do anything, i even feel i can't sleep because i can't be bothered, just nothing works for me.

Your so lucky Sugarsweetpea, i'm so jealous, i offer love affexction, reliability & care & these girls don't want it,why. I hear so many storys of girls liking the hard man & they seem to stay with someone that treats them crap, thats not me & i am alone because of it!

Shutters, i know i shouldn't contact, i kinda want her to feel guilty, to know the pain she creates within me, the hurt i feel. Maybe i'm crazy, but as you say, people like us like to be chased, i just am a lapdog. But i feel i can be strong for someone, but only ONCE i know i' reassured within the relationship & secure. I get my strength from knowing this, but as you say, it isn't attractive initially as women like a man that is self. i know what you say & sometimes can't type it out but i exect you get me!

She has been emotional as she has issues & i've said i'm there for her 100%, she has issues from her past, her upbringing & i've tryed to offer my support, i'm not in a position to do this for myself, but for her, i would as it would be a sign of her wanting me, hence my codependency.

I did show needyness, she saw it! In a text she said, 'your the one who needs attention, not me! Now she hasn't great English, & she saw that in me! I must stick out so much & put myself right up for the big let down! I do feel so complete whilst in her company, but your right Shutters, i don't get it back all the time, i guess i'll never see her again! as i get no replys, i'm just alone & get so hyped up with emotion & lose all self respect & try contacting her, i feel sad & pathetic, but i just want to be loved & to give it back, to the right person, just i think i'll never find her!
Love to you all
x

[sugarssweetpea]

You will find her when you stop looking. I believe God has someone out there for each & every one of us. I had many, many years Gaz going through the same things you are going through. Many rough relationships. Every relationship I entered into I initially felt was "the one" b/c of my need to be needed. They weren't of course. I also pushed a lot of people away because of my neediness. Also pushed away the ones that really did care. I tried to push my husband away, but he would not leave. I tried to leave him, but couldn't. That is how I knew that he was the one. You will find her Gaz, you truely will. I think you maybe need to do some soul searching on yourself. You have to be happy yourself before you can make someone else happy. I will continue to be praying for you. Please keep coming here & talking it out. We are all here for you & love you for who you are.