Depression in recovery

[Purrdy]

Hi everyone I am new to this site but not new to recovery. I will be 'five' on the 15th February, it seems a lot longer than five years! I have had some glorious times in recovery and some very testing times. At the moment I am being 'tested' or so it seems.
I suffer with Seasonal Affected Disorder. I have only just found this out and there is still such a stigma attached to depression.
Every year at around November I can literally FEEL the life being drawn out of me. The colour drains from my world and I simply cannot cope with the most menial tasks.
My saving grace over the last few years has been my friends in AA and of course my family.
The guilt I have been experiencing as a consequence of this illness is excrutiating. I wish I wasnt me, I wish I could just simply die some days rather than put my family through anymore misery. The thing is they loveme so much and visa versa so we muddle on through.
I am off work at present as there was a very unpleasant scene just before Christmas.
Have you ever been in a situation whereby you are truthfull to the point you swear on your childrens life? and people still wont listen to the truth? they simply deny it and bully you into a corner? Well that is what has happened at work. As a consequence I have stayed off work unable to cope with anything right now.
I just cannot face going back to the gossip and back stabbing atmosphere!! its SO negative.
I have made up my mind not to go back but my husband wants me to stick it out and recieve sick pay. i just want to move on.

The other trouble is that it may affect my future employment as 'people' know other people in large establishments.

I know it must sound so trivial to you all, I have read some really sad experiences on this site but I guess its all relevant.

The tools of AA say dont try to tackle your whole life problem in one day. Dont project into the future, take it easy. Well I have done this and I do feel a slight glimmer of hope in my heart.

i am learning to TRUST.... that is so hard for me as since I was a small child people have abused thier positions and just simply let me down BIG TIME.

Its hard now that I am all grown up to trust anyone!! but this is the crossroads I am at. I have to trust in myself and trust in a higher power or a God, whatever conception that may be. Its hard so hard for me. I am fearful that if I trust in myself I will F**K up again and again.

Well thats me for now. Thanksyou to all who have replied to my threads, I am having difficulty finding my way around the site and working out how to do things but hopefully it will get there in the end. Thanks for listening
Purrdy
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[bikewench]

Puurdy...

I am fearful that if I trust in myself I will F**K up again and again.

I know that fear.

But.. I guess it's not really a fear.. so much as it's been my reality for so much of my life.

I'm sorry about your work situation.
I hate it when people know stuff about me.
Makes me feel defective and vulnerable.
I know I perpetuate the mental health stigma myself doing that.. but.. lol.. I'm workin on it.
One day I'll stand bald faced to the world and tell em all to like it or lump it.
This is me.

I lean heavily on my HP as well.
I lost mine for a while.. so .. I'm really thankful to again feel connected.. and I avail myself of this benificial power in my life like the greedy needy child I am.

I also decry the strain I put on other people.
And sometimes.. I need constant reasurance that people aren't gonna give up on me.. cause I get cycling around that and it takes me crazy..

One day I will stand strong though.
I will not live my whole life in fear... God willing.

It's good to have you onboard Purrdy...
I feel strength in your words.. and I know you've been workin hard.. so.. your gonna add lots of good to SR.. I'm sure.

[Purrdy]

Thankyou for your words of kindness. It will get better Im sure it will but time will tell, I am hanging in there!!!