Im so hurt

[earlybird]

I dont know what to do. I lived in my own place for 7 years. I finally got help with my alcoholism. My mother and I talked about it just before I went into the treatment center and she talked me into moving out of my apartment and back in with her and my father until I get back on my feet. Well,...that was two years ago. Since I moved in here, I did my Inpatient Treatment (one month),..my Intensive Outpatient Treatment (three months) , got a well paying job, saved up and paid for my bankruptcy, waited and got my year sober and then went and got a lawyer to try and get my license back (after 11 years revoked), got the license back, saved up and bought a car,....and all the while,.... remaining sober. When I moved in here, I set goals. I have achieved every goal I set thus far. Now Im saving for a new place to live. I have three months to save and look. Then Im kicked out. This is because my parents treat me like Im still drinking. Especially my Mother. She demeans me, belittles me, humiliates me, insults me, minimizes anything good Ive achieved as being no big deal and this is absolutely destroying me inside. My father just "goes along with" whatever my Mom says. Regardless. My mom rules this family with an "If your not with me,...you're against me" attitude. So everyone simply acts as though they are WITH her just to not become her victim. They do this even though this means my emotions, and life,... suffer greatly. Nobody ever comes to my aid or my side. They all just hush up or walk out when it starts. My mom can use this to argue that she must not be doing anything wrong if nobody says anything. My dad is the biggest "Yes-Dear" husband I have ever seen. Now,....I know the easy answer is MOVE OUT. Yes,...I know this. I have nowhere to go and not enough money to go there yet. I AM going to be out soon. But even with that, my relationship with my parents will still be the same. They refuse to attend even one Al-anon meeting. My mother is harbouring DEEEEEEEEEEEP resentments toward my past. She calls me names.......loser, mooch, baby, tells me I should be embarrassed of myself. She hasnt had a single friend in about 20 years. Has never worked. Has no education to speak of. My father completely and totally supports her. Lets just say that if some how he was gone, and so was his money,....she would be lucky to maybe last a week. She has no skills. Nothing. So Im thinking that she demeans and belittles me, because Im the ONE person in this family that she can convince herself that shes better than. And with me getting my life together, she sees that fading. So she trys to keep me down. Keep me in the same role as I used to be. She recruits my brothers to have the same God awful opinion of me by telling them flat out lies about me or what I do or have done. For instance, the other day she walks into the kitchen and I am just sitting there minding my own business,....eating groceries I paid for, and she rolls her eyes and says "Is that all you do?....spend all your money on food.....you have no bills, why do you even work??....your so pathetic". I hadnt said a word. Seriously. This is what I put up with every day. The entire time Im home. My sanity is going. She then goes and tells my brothers who live elsewhere, that I harrassed her, called her names, and act as though I own the place, and show them no respect. This stuff isnt even in the vacinity of the relm of being true. She says whatever she can, even if its a flat out lie, JUST to get others to hate me as much as she does. When others are in the house, she is purposely noticalby overly nice to them in front of me. Almost as if to say "Yup,...look how better I treat others than you" .....FAKE.... Shes trying to strengthen her power over me, by making it so I have nowhere to turn. Everytime I talk about a new place Im looking to get into to live, she starts saying things like "You cant afford that" or "You wont be happy there"......trying to desuade me from trying to move on. Almost like she "loves to hate" me and doesnt want this situation to end even though she says she does. In the middle of an argument, she will stop and go and get my Dad,...and all but order him to be mad at me by telling him tales of me harrassing her, or embelishing her side of the story to paint me as the villian. I dont know what to do. Its killing me inside. I hate this. I keep thinking of suicide. Help me.

[Justme57]

Earlybird (((((((((((( )))))))))))))

You sound as if you need a hug!

You know, your sobriety is your most precious asset! I would protect it at all costs!

Do you go to AA or any other support group? can you discuss this with other members, and perhaps find somewhere else to stay, somewhere where your sobriety will be supported? If you dont belong to a support group, I would find one .

if not, I really think you should move out at all costs, to nurture yourself.

I congratulate you on achieving your goals, it is a wonderful effort!

HUGX
Lee

[Nina Kay]

Hi earlybird,
I think that suicide would be the opposite of what all you have been trying to accomplish. Besides if you are right about how she feels about you, then you would be playing right into her hands and making her look right. Like I've told my son lately, "The Best Revenge Is A Life Well Lived"!!!!!!! Someone else said these words and I don't remember who, but they just stuck with me because they are so true. I'm not really an advocate of revenge, but if you look at this statement, you will really see that it's just talking about Justice and not really revenge. Don't lower yourself to her level. Continue on your path of success and self-respect that you should really be proud of. My son is the alcoholic/addict in my life and I would be so proud of him if he had accomplished half that you have. But the truth is that you don't really need anyone to be proud of you because you can be very proud of yourself with very good reason. I do hope that you can find a way to move out even if it's like Lee said, That you find someone else to stay with until you can get your own place. He's also right about needing the face-to-face support that you would get at meetings, so that you can know that you are not alone and that you are not the only one going through horrible things like this in your life. I hope that you can someday put all of this in perspective, but right now it's just very important that you protect your sobriety and your very life. You are being verbally and emotionally abused and it would be best to get out of there as soon as you can any way that you can, even if you have to go to a shelter. If you'll read some of the posts of abused spouses, you will see that their isn't any difference in the things that the abusers are saying and how they are treating the ones they claim to love. This is not your problem really. I mean that what your Mom is doing to you is not really about you. She is the one that is so miserable and has heart problems, if you know what I mean. You are on the right track and yes people who are miserable and hate themselves always try to bring down people that are happier than they and are doing positive things in their lives. Please don't let anyone destroy everything you have worked so hard for. (((((HUGS))))))

[BlueMoon]

{{{{earlybird}}}}

You AMAZE me!! I'm serious, you have accomplished SO much - and with little to no support!?!? You have done one fantastic job! *I* am proud of you!

Going to AA is a goooood suggestion, lots of support and possibly help in finding a more immediate housing solution. Miracles happen in those mtgs, I've seen them + been a part of them.

I'm wondering if maybe Al-anon or ACOA would help you deal with your mom??

You're doing good by not verbally buying into your mom's "stuff"!
Can you practise "not hearing" it as well as not responding to it??
Is it possible to say "Ok Mom" and walk away? Leave the room, leave the house??
No matter WHAT you've done in the past, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED.

Is it possible to 'camp out' for a while with a friend, co-worker??

Check with the local Women's Shelter. SERIOUSLY. Being abused and battered emotionally is every bit as serious as the physical kind.

Now, go look in the mirror and say: "I AM proud of myself! I have worked hard and I DESERVE GOOD things!"
(repeat until you BELIEVE it!)

Take care of YOU!

Bright Blessings,
Blue

[shutterbug]

Once you are able to move out....just put some distance between you and your parents (mom especially). Just because they are your parents that doesnt' mean you have to go around them or talk to them. If your mom is verbally abusing you and you keep putting yourself in her presence then you are allowing the abuse to continue. Stay away....at least for a while. perhaps

[earlybird]

Thank you all for your kind words. I guess I should have mentioned that Im male. I noticed someone suggested a womens shelter. As fun as that sounds,....they'd probably turn me away. I hope that you all werent thinking I sounded so whiney that you all thought I was a little girl

Yeah,...Im amazed at even though deep down I KNOW that Ive accomplished alot to be proud of, abusive people (especially parents) can really get you to doubt yourself. "Can they be right?" "Are my accomplishments really nothing to speak of??" "Whats wrong with me??" I catch myself doing that often. But when I come out of the fog, I get REAL mad at them for minimizing my progress as if its NOTHING. I also wanted to say that Im not, nor would I ever, turn to suicide. Its just that it enters my mind sort of. I dont even have the courage to do that anyways. Ive been through that when I was actively drinking. I did end up going to an AA meeting (one of my regular weekly ones) the night I first posted this thread. I laid it all out there. Im total situation. The guys at my table are the same ones that have been sitting with me there for over a year and a half. I trust these guys. I look up to many of them. One of them, afterwards, said to me "I may have a solution to your problem" . He didnt get into specifics, but, after that, another guy who knows him very well said, that he thinks that what he meant was that he has a room to rent at his house. I really look up to this man like a grandfather figure. It would really work if this pans out. So Im optimistic tonight. Ill know by this Saturday. Thank you all so much for being there for me. I love you all !!

[1Marty]

Great deal!! Your HP being all powewrful is working through others. May not be exactly what we always want, but what we need he gives us. And it sounds like above all you need to move out to rebuild and maintain some sort of sanity. Hope it all works out for you by Sat!!!

[bikewench]

Hey Early...

I hope that you all werent thinking I sounded so whiney that you all thought I was a little girl

...lol...

I don't know what the others thought.. but I took you for a guy...lol

Saying a prayer for you around a way out...

And.. I hope you continue to come here to SR...
it's such a positive message against the negatives of a dysfunctional family...

[BlueMoon]

I guess I should have mentioned that Im male. I noticed someone suggested a womens shelter. As fun as that sounds,....they'd probably turn me away. I hope that you all werent thinking I sounded so whiney that you all thought I was a little girl

oh no no no no!!!! You didn't sound whiny OR like "a little girl"! I made the mistake of ASSUMING and I oopsed -

I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news on Saturday It just always blown my mind how AA people help each other!

Blessings,
Blue

[earlybird]

Thanks!! I'll definitely keep you guys posted. (and girls ) I had a good day today. Im much more confident these past two days. I feel good. I had a couple of guys at work approach me about painting a mural in their kids rooms on the wall. One wants Spiderman with a cityscape behind him and the other wants Batman. I have been so blessed to have that talent. Its brought me joy when I had nothing but sorrow. I find that Im very grateful for things now that I used to take for granted. God Bless you all

[Suger]

earlybird,
.... omg. im speachless.

wow.

that is tough.

what i got from your post, the gist of what im hearing is that your mother has betrayed you at every turn to anyone who will listen. that is a tough one. youve also experienced verbal abuse, ridicule, hostility, disgust, and for all intents and purposes, hatred. i think maybe the worst thing to experience is betrayal by ones own mother. betrayal by anyone has got to be the worst feeling on the face of the earth. wow. i feel for you. theres no simple answer for this. i wish i could offer you something. all i can say, is that at some point we all experience betrayal, not everyone experiences it to quite this extent, but betrayal is a common theme in relationships. i dont know if that is any comfort to you... but i think betrayal is one of the hardest toughest most bitter pills to swallow. no one likes to be stabbed inthe back. no one wants to have a disloyal person up close and personal like that. i feel for you. ...but you sound like a real survivor to me. dont let the bastards getcha down. thats what i say.

[Suger]

and i know this is going to sound really weird maybe...but these people do eventually get old, they do lose their hold, their powers do diminish, and they do eventually die. patience. it will happen.

[BlueMoon]

What a profoundly insightful and compassionate post.

[2dayzmuse]

Everything for a reason. You moved in with your parents and accomplished much. Maybe it's time to move on. I think you will continue to accomplish much on your own. The negative attitude that is cast in your parents home can't be healthy. My thought is you would be happy to get out of there once you get back on your feet financially. Good luck...

[earlybird]

Hi again,...

I thought maybe that some might wonder about the status of my situation. (Maybe not).....but anyways,.....Im finally moving out tomorrow morning.... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooo hooooooo. Thank God. I feel like Im getting paroled. One more and a wake up. Cant wait. Moving in with a friend from AA. He already has an apartment with an extra room. Thanks for listening !

[Nina Kay]

earlybird,
I am so very happy to hear that you are getting to move out of your very negative environment. I really happy for you that you have such a good friend who is willing to help you. I wish you all the best. I hope that you might want to keep coming here and posting so that we can all keep up with how you are doing. Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness and lots of laughter.

[BlueMoon]

~*Hooooooooooray*~

Bright Blessings!
Blue

[carolm]

Dear Earlybird,

I've just read your thread and my heart goes out to you. It's tough to be in recovery when you have family support. I agree with Shutterbug. Put some distance between you and your mother, especially now that you are moving out.

I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Carol

[shutterbug]

EB....so glad to here that you are getting out of there and stepping out on your own. WAY 2 GO!

[Justme57]

OH! thats fantastic EB! I am so happy for you , and yes I had been wondering how you were going ! LOL

Must be a god Job !

HUGX
Lee

[2dayzmuse]

Good luck...

[Purrdy]

Is this for real!!!!
I read your story and connected, i too lived with my gran for a while and was held to ransom, she frightened every friend or boyfriend off she belittled me and abused my trust, she made me feel worthless, yet I was the one looking after her!!!!
I really felt for you, and hey what would be wrong with being a little girly? he he
I am so glad that you have found somewhere and you have a great job too.
I really hold you in very high esteem, you are another person who has gone out there and taken life by the balls!despite all the adversity in youtr life. I too have done that, sometimes its felt good and others its felt like im a worthless piece of ****. Someone once said to me "NEVER give up dont you ever give up".
I have felt like giving up but with my fabulous family and my AA buddies AND my sober recovery buds too I keep going.
Im so pleased for you I just felt joy when i read the messages that followed your original post, it gives me hope too and you are helping so many people by being there and sharing this stuff. Thankyou thankyou.
Love to you and yours
Purrddyyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[earlybird]

Thank all so much.

Well,.........I have spent two nights thus far at my new place. I like it alot. It took me all weekend to move. I had to do it myself. When I told my mother that I was moving... (I told her last Monday) she said "........I want all your crap out of this house by Saturday,......and you better get help because none of us are helping you". My mother always thinks she can "speak for the whole family". As if her word is law. Controlling people always use words like "We"...as in "We dont like you" or "Us" as in "You have treated US poorly". This way, they dont appear alone in their negative, absurd views. If it looked like only they had that opinion, then it makes them appear mean, and hard to get along with. This way, she appears to be just another person who thinks Im an awful person. Of course, when I ask my brothers if they too share her opinion, they say "No,...???....Where did you hear that???" I say "Mom"....they say "Well,...you know MOM".

Its too bad they dont have it in them to go against her in their opinions of me. Anyways,...I believe that my mom gave me this unrealistic time frame to have all my things out simply to set me up for another failure. Originally, my date to be out by was April 1st. I got out months earlier and she doesnt like that. Because she didnt get to kick me out. Kinda like if an employee says "Hey boss,...I giving my notice to quit" and he says "Oh no you dont,...you're fired" Its her twisted way of getting closure. She feels absolutely lost if she doesnt feel as if she has control of all situations. So she MADE this HER decision in her little abnormal brain. I say,...whatever. You GO with your psychotic self, Mom. I have a new room to furnish and peace to have.

[bikewench]

I have a new room to furnish and peace to have.

hehehe...
sounds like an awesome plan...

Way to go Early...


My mother use to do the "we" thing as well..

Them against me.

She'd always use that to hammer me....
I was always the one on the outside... the misfit.. the weirdo.. the defective one...

"We all think..."



Well.. good for ya'll.. ;o)
Think all ya want... hehehe....


You know where you need to go Early...
and it sounds like your starting to recognize the dysfunctional screed that is meant to keep us in our places...
right along with those that love to wallow in their dysfunction and find it oh so threatening when somone looks like their going to step outa...

An affirmation from ACOA...
We can be healthier than those around us.

That simple sentence set me free.
funny eh..
that I had to be told I could carve my own unique path...


keep on keeping on ....
your doing good.

[carolm]

Sounds great.

Carol