Isolating...

[BlueMoon]

(giggling)
Aren't good moods wuun-derfulllllllll?!?!?

I'm in a place right now where I really haven't a clue most of the time - whether I'm feeling good or bad.
The thing is, I also lose perspective of *time* and my short term memory evaporates.

BF says I was crying + crying yesterday and talking a mile a minute for hours. Then - I'm *done* and I really don't remember it - what I was so sad about. Sucks cuz I have the feeling I talked about "big scary stuff" that I haven't shared with anyone before. I vaguely remember some things clicking into place in my head, but then it all goes away. I'm just in a fog - foggy today too.

ANY way - all of that is NOT new for me, it's just *me*. It's just that most people in my life, in the past, haven't been able to "deal with" me when I'm "weird" like this.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh - is this part of why I isolate perhaps!?!?

It's hard to talk/write to people when I'm like "this" - writing is maybe worse - there's hard evidence of what I said!! Maybe that's what I need? I know there's just a TON of crap in my head that I need to go thru and organize and throw out stuff - like cleaning the closet - I suck at that too.

Then - I get to *THIS* point and I realize that I have NO idea what I'm saying - that it's taking paragraphs instead of just a sentence or 2 - so usually I give up + delete it all -

heaven forbid if my train of thought gets interrupted - - -



Blue

[KelKel]

This is a great thread... thank you to all for your honest and heartfelt responses.
I am the queen of isolation and truly love my solitude... my idea of a good time is going backpacking and not seeing another living soul for days (at leats 5 days). Yes I got cool backpacking equipment for christmas that enables me to do it in fashion.
I refuse to give up my lil' espresso maker!
One of the best things that any Therapist/Dr ever told me was to be "Okay with the fact that I am an introvert" plain and simple. I am talking since early childhood memory introvert. I reveled in thinking that I was not really from this planet and praying for my true people to come and rescue me.
Once I gave myself permission to be who I truly am, I have been working on healing ever since.
At my worst I have isolated for well over a year... that means waking up.... pacing from window to window, getting back into bed,sleeping and making some attempt to be a mother to my two dog's... believe me when I lost my greyhound in June, I questioned whether I had been the doggie parent I should have been, too many day's that beautiful creature helped me accomplish the basic tasks of the day. Oh and don't even get me started on the guilt I feel over my son being with his father (which is actually a good thing)...
I have such a hard time discussing this aspect of my life and i so appreciate this chance to try and express myself and to relate to your experiences.
I have been planning a solo trip down to the Supai falls to try out my new mini-camping light-weight stove and water filter. I just need a new thermarest as my puupy munched my old one.

PS... I have been feeling manic this month (holiday's? probably)
Just want my brain to slow the F down.

[KatieRose]

Jenna,

What's going on my friend? You know you can email me anytime. Praying for you.

KatieRose

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by blue

I'm in a place right now where I really haven't a clue most of the time - whether I'm feeling good or bad.
The thing is, I also lose perspective of *time* and my short term memory evaporates.

you mean this isn't normal?
I've been that way for much of 15 months....last week mom said something to me about "don't you remember last night when you were over and we sat at the computer for a couple of hours doing X? (X=can't remember "

I told her no...that I didn't even remember being over here at her house. I stood and thought and thought....and nope. She said, "You're kidding! You really dont' remember?"

- NOPE! I really never remembered anything about it except for her asking if I remembered....LOL

Sounds like you might have been in a mixed state yesterday....with the crying + talking fast? I don't know what it's like to have to deal with me....I just expect people who care to love me no matter what. I tend to get really hurt when they can't, but I've learned that those who can't handle "me"...never really loved me to begin with....so it's helping me deal with it. I can kinda look at it like...."glad I found out now instead being a great friend to them for years only to have them stab me in the back or walk away when I need "them."

I know what you mean about going through and cleaning things...except mine isn't in closets...it's everywhere. Anybody who looks in my car these days....asks me if I live out of it....they really think i do! Every one of my Christmas presents is still in the car even!....even cards full of money. So I hope nobody breaks in there before I get it all out. And....with that picture in mind....can you imagine what my house looks like! It's horrific. I think that's why I've come to my mom's house everyday afterwork for the last two weeks (instead of isolating)...b/c i don't want to have to face my mountianous mess.

And even Bozo scolded me for having my PM box too full for anyone to PM me....
Nothing I have access to is safe from my pack-rat nature that's in overdrive when dealing with depression.

I think i'm opposite from you in that I don't like talking much, but I can write my thoughts all day long. Typing out words doesn't bother me...i can think more clearly when writing (not that it comes across that way to readers though..lol). Plus I plan to use all my writings later down the road to help me work on things and maybe figure my bipolar cycles out better?....I'm a word-rat too, i suppose.

[shutterbug]

KelKel...I guess I hadn't realized you were bipolar too? Or I prolly did, but obviously forgot. The solo-camping/hiking trip sounds nice.

Tell me more about this espresso maker? Is it easy to use? I spend $4 a day (money I don't have, but have to spend it to function) on cafe mochas. I have an espresso maker, but it's a pain to use...any ideas?

....oh the animals....I feel so much guilt too. I have two cats and one dog. My maltese is my baby, but i'm a horrible mom to her. And with me working now...she's just lost. For nearly a year or more, she has spent every isolating moment on my couch with me. She was a puppy mill, rescue dog and very timid. I am suppose to get her groomed every month and bath her once a week, but that has not been the case since my major depression hit. I finally took an electric hair clipper to her and practically shaved off all her hair b/c of matts. It's growing back out now, but I seriously need to take her to the vet b/c I'm certain she has ear mites ...and more bad teeth. I love her to death though and she has been my solice through this all.

Originally Posted by KelKel

I reveled in thinking that I was not really from this planet and praying for my true people to come and rescue me.

great quote! I love it! If they ever come for you...please tell them to swing by my place and pick me up on the way :P

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by KatieRose

Jenna,

What's going on my friend? You know you can email me anytime. Praying for you.

KatieRose

sorry katie....been pretty swamped lately and have been trying to cope. I have noticed that it's often easier for me to come here and chat then to write e-mails...I guess b/c I can address so many people with one post...so it seems faster, more efficient. I'm not a very patient person right now and having to wait for the screen to load the "composing" page...then write the e-mail, then click "send", then confirm the send, then click back to the Inbox....just seems like too much work most of the time....LOL...isn't that bad!

Thanks for the prayers...I need the all.

luv and hugs,
Jenna

[KatieRose]

Jenna,

Do whatever is easiest for you. You know i'm here and praying for you. It's ok if you'd rather not talk about it.

KatieRose

[BlueMoon]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

you mean this isn't normal?
I've been that way for much of 15 months....last week mom said something to me about "don't you remember last night when you were over and we sat at the computer for a couple of hours doing X? (X=can't remember " ...

Sounds like you might have been in a mixed state yesterday....with the crying + talking fast? ...

... can you imagine what my house looks like!

I think i'm opposite from you in that I don't like talking much, but I can write my thoughts all day long. Typing out words doesn't bother me...i can think more clearly when writing (not that it comes across that way to readers though..lol). ...

(laughing!)
omg - I really thought I was the onliest one in the whole world! I can forget things said or done 10 minutes ago.
I think you're right about people who *really* love/care. The few people I allow to be around me don't really bat an eye when I "get weird". (MY descriptive term)

What's rather painful about it right now - this time around - is that I'd been stuck in the weird fog for *years* and just this past year had been finally able to start functioning more/better - finally felt "like a grown up".
To slide back into the fog banks *bites* and I'm fighting it tooth 'n' nail - which experience tells me actually makes it worse - more painful. It's HARD to *accept* where I'm "at" right now when a few months ago, "I" was so much better -

Mixed state - hmmm? don't know! All of the definitions and details and blahblahblah, confuse the boogers outta me even on my VERY BEST + coherent days. All I know is that it's "icky". Actually - I call it "being little" - cuz that's how it feels.

It's not that I don't LIKE talking when it's all going on - but it's so difficult and *painful* - I can't find the *WORDS* and it frustrates me so bad. Then there's the memory aspect of it. I can start a sentence and by the end of it, totally forget what the hell my point was.

Writing is alot better, alot easier. Still frustrating, but if I forget what I started to say I can stop and try to remember and noooooooo one knows that it took me 30 minutes to write one sentence! Sometimes, thoughts come pouring out of me - things I didn't even realize were IN me! Very interesting and kinda *kewl*.
SB - your thoughts come across pretty clearly to *me*! Maybe cuz we live on the same block??

Toooo funny about the state of your house!! I live in an effiency apt. and have ONE closet. This is NOT good for a packrat!!! It's even WORSE for a packrat who has a horrible time sorting and organizing ANYthing. Don't EVEN think about throwing something out!! I might neeeeeeeed it some day!!!

What scares me is that I'm realizing my BRAIN is the same as my closet/apt. I need to get in my brain and decide once and for all what I want to keep and what needs to be tossed once and for all.

Originally Posted by KelKel

One of the best things that any Therapist/Dr ever told me was to be "Okay with the fact that I am an introvert" plain and simple. I am talking since early childhood memory introvert. I reveled in thinking that I was not really from this planet and praying for my true people to come and rescue me.

omg did I ever NEED that reminder - that it's ok to be an introvert!

and yep - I'm still waiting for my people to come for me as well!

I'm soooo glad I found this niche of SR.
Blessings All,
Blue

[shutterbug]

Katie...I don't mind talking about things....it's just easier for me to talk here on the forums....anytime you want to talk....let me know or you can write about what's on your mind in my journal if you want...

prayers for you too my friend

[shutterbug]

have you made any changes with meds or major life changes in the last few months to cause the change in mental focus?

For me...my mind seemed to be working it's best when I was on Lamictal (but it made me tired and I got bad acne...which I already struggle with as it is)...but I sure liked the way my mind was working there for a while.

And no...you're definetly NOT the only one with that bad of a memory. I've told this before in other threads, but....when my major episode first started last year I had an "OMG", kind of wake up moment that showed me how bad my mind had really gotten. I was driving to a baseball game for a photo assignment and in the 10 minutes it took to get there....I would sort of "wake up" and couldn't remember where I was going to? It happened like 5 times in that short drive. I seriously had to stop each time and think really hard before I could remember again.

[shutterbug]

mixed state is basically where you experience both manic AND depressive symptoms at the same time...i.e. crying = depression, and talking fast=mania....so you had both types of states going on at the same time....meaning a "mixed" state.

I can start a sentence and by the end of it, totally forget what the hell my point was.

This is why I can't do public speaking! Even if I know the subject inside and out....I can't complete whole thoughts when put on a spot. And in regular conversation...I sometimes have to ask the person what their original question was that i was answering them on in the first place. And if not answering a question...then I will tell them I forgot and then sit there until i remember or give up and go onto to something else entirely....LOL

Toooo funny about the state of your house!! I live in an effiency apt. and have ONE closet. This is NOT good for a packrat!!! It's even WORSE for a packrat who has a horrible time sorting and organizing ANYthing. Don't EVEN think about throwing something out!! I might neeeeeeeed it some day!!!

OMG...I know this all too well...I hang onto EVERYTHING and it stresses me out when trying to make myself purge things that are even the slightest bit questionable as to future use. I even keep rubberbands, but can never find one when I need them. Same as safety pins...I will buy a pack of them every year or two, but can never find them. Makes me so darn mad. The past year of being off work though...I have made a little headway in organizing. I now have a basket where I keep all "utility" items like screwdrivers, batteries, flashlights, scissors, needle and thread, and a hammer. And I've got my "closet" situation pretty much organized, but that's only b/c I have a 4 bedroom house and use one whole room as a closet...lol. But even that doesn't help when I don't feel like doing laundry, or I do the laundry, but don't feel like putting it up. Right now....clothes are scattered in every room!...even the hallway! and kitchen!

[shutterbug]

What scares me is that I'm realizing my BRAIN is the same as my closet/apt.

funny that you say this b/c I think this is true, but i'm not sure which came first...the messy house or the messy brain? Seriously.

I know when my house is in order....my brain feels more in order
And when my brain feels more in order...then I get my house to be more orderly

quess it works both ways...but the point is that I definetly believe there is a connection. A woman on Oprah was talking about this several months back and said that the condition of our homes....is a reflection of us internally. And like I said...I believe the two go hand in hand.

(notice how I break up my response in several posts??....that's because I forget to much to quick...so I have to take things in increments...LOL)

[Pip56]

Hi Shutterbug,
I think your insight into yourself is fantastic. You said in your post, "Now that I'm working I can't hide in my house for several days sleeping anymore. I think this is why my depression has felt worse lately...because I've lost one of my "coping " methods. Seems like a vacumn has been created and it seems to me it is being replaced with a very capable woman working her way through her stuff as you go on to question "Is isolating REALLY a bad thing??? I mean really??? Who says??? Why??? You seem to be working out different types of isolation. As you point out, due to your work, you can't have the escape of sleep. I do know what that is like. Before going into rehab I would waken in the morning unable even to be with myself and just take some sleeping tablets, in the morning, to induce unconsciousness. In rehab they talked a lot about "sitting" with our "stuff". Sounds to me that is what you are doing. What insight when you can write, "It was like I was just riding the wave of depressin as smoothly as possible until it reached the shore...if that makes any sense". So well done. Sounds like you are doing what you have to do and doing it in a positive way. Plus you are sharing your experience here on the boards. Surely by that mere fact you are not in total isolation. Sounds to me like you may well be taking "time out". I think it is fantastic that you are managing to hold down your job. I think you deserve a big "Well done Shutterbug". To me you are a winner. Tried to send you a pm but it didn't go! Will try to send it later. So glad you are around. So glad to be part of your journey and for you to be part of mine.

[shutterbug]

Pip....yeah I saw that you tried to send me a PM...I have since cleared out my PM box after Bozo threatened to come down here if I didn't getter done

Wow...to your response to me. Thank you so much for all the props. At the end of the day...all I can really say is that I try my best.

I am exhausted at the moment and contemplating what to do. I'm am in one of the areas that's been breaking out with devistating wildfires and daily coverage of the county has been difficult to keep up with since it's all been declared a national disaster area.

I am so spent. I was suppose to get tomorrow off (for a much needed 3-day weekend), but amid all the fire coverage and such I have yet to finish my assigned "year in review" story and 2 other fire victim stories that I was planning to have ready to go already. So I can either stay here for the rest of the night and getter done or forgo my 3-day weekend....looks like I'll have to do the latter since I'm so exhausted.

Funny....cus a journalism magazine interviewed me for a story today about me almost getting trapped in my car for several minutes in a fire. That's the second time I've been interviewed for a story and it always feels wierd ( just like it does to be on the other side of the camera instead of being the photog)...but it's neat at the same time I guess.

well...i'm going home...I will check back in with you guys after my noon deadline tomorrow.

Hugs,

p.s....Pip....is so great to see you on the boards again!

[Live]

Jenna and friends,

I have been MIA....looks like I have missed out on alot.

I have been isolating for years and it is not healthy for me. I know that if I can go out and wander Barnes and Nobles or actually go in to a restaurant (AND none of this entails talking to people) it's good effects last two whole days. Yet I still prefer to isolate. I am in a quicksand of passivity in my determination to isolate.

I can remember when I did not have this symptom. When I was engaged and curious in the world outside my bubble.

At least you see your mom and sis, Jenna. I skipped all the Christmas, anniversary, important events with family this year. I don't answer the phone. For me, it is very self-centered. I did take a young lady to see the Nutcracker.
I have always loved solitude and been an introvert but in my being I can feel the difference between this and that.

Congrats on the job!!!!!!! Big time!
I have begun a new one too. I have alot of fears about it. But it does require me to be present...out of the bed, out of the jammies and I believe it will have healing effects. The neat thing is my job is an isolating one! hahahahha. It is just me and "paperwork puzzles" (legal research-title). It makes me use my mind so that is a release from the personal thinking spiral. I have to get up and down to get the papers I need for documentation. I appear normal. I say hi, how are you to everyone (as I always have) and this passes for all the conversation I want.

I don't feel well at all. But, I think with the new job and some financial security which I have lately become obsessive about, well it will do me much good.
I just can't afford to go back to the long bout of sick that I had been and have been. It will always be a struggle, but with the proper props it will become easier.
One symptom, my starving myself has mysteriously disapeared.
I know that one of the most important things I can do is excercise and pump up those endorphins, I used to go to the gym 5 days a week, then as I was very ill, I lived in a small safe community and would go for long strolls at midnight and 2am, and just walk and walk feeling unexposed and rather free and peaceful. There is a gym in the hotel where I am staying. So I have no excuse but I have only gone in once.
I have a dream of going in there for just 10 minutes on the incline treadmill in the mornings.
I guess to get out of a rut you have to fill it in one shovel load at a time.?

hugs,
live

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by Live

At least you see your mom and sis, Jenna. I skipped all the Christmas, anniversary, important events with family this year. I don't answer the phone. For me, it is very self-centered.

Well....i haven't been purposely seeing my sis lately. I'm tired of HER total self-centeredness. She even put my mom in tears on Christmas. Seeing my mom is about the only thing that keeps me grounded right now, I think. And since i'm poor...she often fixes dinner and invites me over and I go over to use her computer and I also watch movies and t.v. with her and my step-dad. They have and continue to do so much for me and all I have to give in return is my time/company which my mom enjoys.

I wished I had stayed home for Christmas. I told sis and everyone that I've decided to skip Christmas next year....it was more depressing to celebrate it with crappy family than to stay home alone.

When I don't answer the phone and stuff....I feel very self-centered too, but I keep telling myself that I've given and given to others all my life so it's my turn to be selfish...so therefore I don't care. I eventually call people back, but I refuse to be at anyone's beck and call ever again unless I'm employed by them.....or "they" someday are children.

Originally Posted by Live

One symptom, my starving myself has mysteriously disapeared

OMG....WAY COOL!!!!!!!!!!! That is so awsome. I hope that continues to go like that!

I'm so glad to see you around whenever you are able to pop in!

Luv you!

[AllThatGlitters]

Hey Shutterbug,

Are you having thoughts of suicide? Do you feel like hurting yourself? Are you sad a lot? If not, then maybe you aren't depressed so much as simply introverted. This society (American-- I'm assuming you're American, but maybe not) puts a lot of emphasis on "being popular" and "having fun." Maybe your idea of fun is different from the societal norm, and that's ok. My uncle is very introverted and spends quite a bit of time alone, and he's cool with it. As long as you aren't crying, cutting yourself and attempting suicide, maybe you are ok.

If you are doing or thinking of doing any of these things, you need to seek help immediately. Go see a therapist and tell them what you're thinking and what you're feeling.

Good luck.

[shutterbug]

Thanks for your response Glitter, but I'm bipolar and have been going through a major depression for about 16 or 17 months now. I've been severely suicidal about 3 times in that time and put myself in the hospital the first time and the second time I was kinda strong-armed by all my docs. I think it's been a couple of weeks or more since I had my last suicidal thought and I've been self-injuring since I was in 5th grade, but you are right in that I am an introvert, but I often try to force myself to be extroverted (except when manic and then I don't have to try or force myself at all....I just am...lol)

I've been under the care of mental health docs for a while now, although I missed my appointment today b/c of work, but it's okay. I think I will be able to make it up soon.

Hugs,
Jenna

[roadie58]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time Jenna, but just keep on posting and doing the right things. Expect the miracle. We can all be one, y'know. I don't really understand the bipolar thing, except to say that it seems like a lot of us have it...

Peace, hope you have a better tomorrow.

[shutterbug]

Roadie....I truely believe that there are so many more undiagnosed bipolars out there than many people even realize. I think it's pretty common, but there are also a lot of people who have normal mood swings and depression and things and they think are bipolar. Kinda like....someone who's been dumped by a boyfriend and tell me they understand what I'm going through because they now know what depression feels like....when really they have no clue. I've even had people tell me they are bipolar and that all it takes is "thinking positive," and all is well.

I'm not saying that you aren't bipolar....I don't know....you could be. I just want other people who might read this to understand that having mood swings and depression doesn't = bipolar disorder.

If you want to know more about what bipolar disorder is the just visit www.nami.org and they have tons of articles that explain it all very well. When I started learning about it....my life seemed to click. It was like a light bulb moment that explained so many things. Same with co-dependency. When I started reading books and stuff about it and started understanding it....then I saw how every relationship I have ever had has been negatively affected by being raised by an alcoholic and a codie mom and being abused as a child.

Sorry if I'm preaching....I don't mean to be. I guess I'm in a bit of a down mood today. I had to put on my "happy" face for work today and that disenigrated at quitting time. But if I'm not feeling better by tomorrow, then I'm sure I will in a few days.

lots of hugs,

[bikewench]

Jenna...

I'm sending warm fuzzies your way..
and I'm asking God for your greatest good.... and for copious amounts of hope.. and strength.
Glad your here gurl.

[Live]

I spent my entire childhood as an introvert. I was happy and absorbed to be by myself reading and writing copiously.
When I am isolating I am not happy, absorbed in interests. I am sick and miserable in layers and layers of ways.
I like solitude. But there is healthy solitude and ill solitude.
Two different things entirely.

live

[AllThatGlitters]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

Thanks for your response Glitter, but I'm bipolar and have been going through a major depression for about 16 or 17 months now. I've been severely suicidal about 3 times in that time and put myself in the hospital the first time and the second time I was kinda strong-armed by all my docs. I think it's been a couple of weeks or more since I had my last suicidal thought and I've been self-injuring since I was in 5th grade, but you are right in that I am an introvert, but I often try to force myself to be extroverted (except when manic and then I don't have to try or force myself at all....I just am...lol)

I've been under the care of mental health docs for a while now, although I missed my appointment today b/c of work, but it's okay. I think I will be able to make it up soon.

Hugs,
Jenna

Hey Jenna,
I'm sorry to hear about your state. I hope you start to feel better soon ... I could use a mild dose of mania myself!

Best Wishes,
Glitters