I don't know.

[Nina Kay]

I don't know exactly what I came to this forum for except maybe to say a few things that I don't normally say to anyone. I know that I have a mental illness of some form. I've never been diagnosed as bipolar or manic depressive. But I have fought depression and isolation my entire life, for no particular reason that I can think of, for most of my life. Sure I've had life problems like everyone else, but not traumatic ones of any kind, until my son started getting deathly ill as an alcoholic/addict. I didn't even know that he had a problem until the horribly traumatic near death experiences started. So before that, everything was pretty great.
I have always been extremely happy, as a child and a young adult. But I've always had terrible mood swings that were pretty extreme. I never have been able to keep friends for long and the only reason that I can think of is because they never know what to expect from me. I'm always all or none. I know that my problems aren't as bad as some of you on this forum, so I may sound silly, but I just wanted to be with others who can talk freely about mental and emotional disorders, so I hope that you won't feel like I'm horning in where I'm not supposed to.

[roadie58]

You might want to take a visit to your doctor or a psychiatrist. Untreated depression is horribly debilitating. I had it along with alcoholism and addictions. Then I quit drinking and drugs, but was still depressed. I saw a therapist who recommended a doctor who put me on Wellbutrin. It's been a week and I feel so much better, the side effects are minimal for me. I don't know how long the treatment will last, but it's some progress.

Please see someone soon. You don't have to live with depression and mood swings.

Michael

[Nina Kay]

Michael,
I have been tried on about everyone that there is over the years. The only one that has really worked on me and not had many side effects is Effexor XR which I am on now for the second time. I am doing a whole lot better than I was, but still having isolating problems. I was on Clonazepam too for a long while but then it started to cause me to have liver problems. Or I guess that I should say that it made my liver problems to progress more rapidly because it made my liver sluggish. I was on nothing for a while, but then got so much worse and even started to physically attack the people in my life that have caused me the most ongoing stress and frustration. Once for each of those two people, the last of which I ran straight to the hospital. The Dr. immediately put me on this medication and it has made a world of difference in what they say is a chemical imbalance and anxiety disorder.
Thanks for answering my post in such a caring way. I am tired of acting like such a freak. The holiday seasons really bring out the worst in me.

[Nina Kay]

So yeah...i'm tired of "staying strong" "psyching myself out"...whatever. I would venture to guess that there's probably only about 5 percent of depressed people who even have a clue about this kind of depression...where every other day you're entire body feels bruised and sore and heavy and weak....to always wake up feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck and then back over again a few hundred times. There's just so much you can tell a quadrapoligic to do and them be able to do it.....same with this except people don't understand it like they do physical paralysis.

I read this in one of shutterbug's posts and it's exactly what I've said and described about myself so many times. It's unreal. My daughter tells me that she thinks that I have fibromyalgia too, but I'm wondering if whatever causes depression, also causes fibromyalgia. Or is depression one of the symptoms of fibromyalgia?
Shutterbug, I hope you don't mind if I brought this quote out here.

[sugarssweetpea]

Nina,

And we meet again. I feel for you. Please do not ever feel silly for posting ANYTHING. We are all struggling with one thing or another & not everyone's struggles are the same, but they are all just as important & matter just as much. As for acting like a freak, I hear you. One minute up, one down. That link that BB sent me on the hypoglycemia opened my eyes to the real effect that all of the sugar & junk food are having on me. I will continue praying for you Nina, on all levels.
Lots of love coming your way,
Sugarssweetpea

[shutterbug]

Welcome Nina...you are are most welcome to be here. It's not the degree of illness that matters....we all support each other here. I'm glad your symptoms don't seem to be as major to you, but that doesnt' mean that you don't struggle. Feel free to come here anytime and talk....that's what this and we are all here for.

As others suggested...I would agree....A talk with a psychaitrist would be more than a good idea. Also, I would suggest a full physical work up with a general physician to rule out any physical causes for the mood swings and such.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Just read the rest of your posts here....I absolutely don't mind you quoting me.

Roadie and I have been talking about tanning and how it helps him to go do a tanning session every few weeks and I agree.

I'm said this in numerous posts by now, but I'll say it again in case you missed it.

I was reading in a magazine about people with chronic pain and chronic fatigue (like that of fibromialgia and chronic fatigue syndrome). They did a study on 150 peeps complaining of the above and found 93 percent of them to be lacking the proper amount of Vitamin D...which we get mostly from exposure to the sun.

That was a stricking number to me....93 percent! As soon as I can get my lazy butt to the tanning salon once or more a week...I think I will find I have tons more energy and less pain all over. (I also remembered back to how much energy and stuff I had back when I have tanned before).

I have yet to put together all the puzzle peices, but there is definetly a connection between my major depressive episodes and feeling like I described in that quote you posted above.

Depression AND mood swings are common symptoms of fibromialgia and it's cousin Chronic Fatigue Syndrom....from what I remember reading anyway. In reading about one of them....it was the only time I've ever read ANYTHING that talked about a person feeling like their limbs are heavy. Previously, I had described this heaviness to my former psychiatrist (who I believe is a very good one), but I said I felt like I was wearing a full-length cement coat every day. And even as educated at he was....he said it was b/c of my weight issues....which totally ticked me off, but I realize that doctors just haven't put all the peices together yet either.

Not sure I have much help to offer....other than suggesting taking a good multi-vitamin and getting more sun in you daily diet. The Effexor also helps me, but isn't strong enough alone.

What dosage are you on? 150 or 300mg?

[Nina Kay]

Thanks sugars and shutterbug for your loving understanding and welcomes. I guess the truth is that my symptoms do seem major to me, but I didn't think they would to anyone else. I've not been diagnosed with any of the serious things that alot of people are dealing with. I am always under a Drs. care though and am taking an antidepressant at present. I know that depression is connected with hypoglycemia and with fibromyalgia. And they are giving me the antidepressant for a chemical imbalance, which I think is connected because these physical problems are also stemming from physical chemical or hormonal imbalances. I think that most mental illnesses are caused from chemical imbalances in the brain and the body. I could be wrong though. They say that I have anxiety disorder too and I do have some panic attacks. Not as severe as I've heard other people describe theirs though. I don't know, it's just nice to be able to come here and talk about it all with others who understand what it's like. I've had people say many things that make me feel defensive, but I think one of the worst is someone recently telling me that you have to fight it, you can't just lay down and give in to it. That upsets me because I feel that I have been fighting depression and isolation and anxiety with all of my might for most of my life. They don't have a clue that appearances don't tell all of the truth. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose the battles and sometimes I just get tired of fighting it, but I never completely surrender to it. I am 50 yrs. old now, give me a break. I've fought this ever since I can remember and I'm tired all right. I'm glad to not be alone with this. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[shutterbug]

I hear you about people saying "you just have to fight it" or "you just have to deal with it"...

One of my former best friends told me when I had gotten out of the hospital and out of day treatment and was able to fight enough to make it to work every day...she told me..."You just seem like you have given up...that's what everyone has seen."

I wanted to blow my top right then and there!!!!!!!!!!!

If I had given up...would I have been going to 6+ doctors appointments each month?
Would I have checked myself into a mental hospital to get on meds asap?
Would I have spent $1,000's of dollars in day treatment where I had to spend 2 hours on the road 5 days a week to go to for several months?
Would I have even come back to work full-time? or even part-time? or even at all???

The hardest thing I think many of us have to over-come is that since people don't see us in a wheel-chair or our hair falling out from chemo-treatments...or anything...then we must really be fine.

It's an invisible illness....and many people don't believe that invisible illnesses are real illnesses.

And they also don't realize that in people like me who are bipolar...there is a 20 percent death rate....from suicide.

Why would so many , 1 in 5, bipolars chose to take their lives if they weren't really struggling with something real.

Don't let anyone tell you that it's all in your head or how you chose to see things or whatever....you know how you feel and that's all that matters. Misery and trama are relative....meaning it's as bad as the individual feels it is bad. So don't think that b/c you are "undiagnosed" or what have you that you are suffering any less. I know you are suffering and people here will not trivialize that, because we know what it's like.

hang in there...

[Nina Kay]

shutterbug,
I didn't see your last post before I replied. I think that is so interesting about getting enough vitamins from the sun. I don't get enough sun, like I did when I was a kid. I was outside all of the time then. I know that it does help me to feel lots better when I get the sunshine and fresh air. I know that it's not the full answer for me though because I even fought this when I was young and outside alot and I do now take a multivitamin daily. I do know that it will help though and I need to make it a point to get outside more. I am really an outside nature kindof person at heart anyway.
Well, I just read your post again and see that you were talking about the fatigue and pain being helped by sunshine, not depression. That's really something to think about. I also have noticed a difference in my pain level, when I've stayed away from sweets and other foods with obvious sugar for a least a week. That was something that I realized from my own experience and was very surprised about. I never would have thought of that. Also, it's funny that you would use the description of wearing a full length cement coat. I used to say that I felt like I was walking around with a cement block covering each of my feet. That's how tired I was and how hard it was for me to live my life. The Drs. and no one else would listen to me and so a few years went by and they did a special test and found out that I had Hepatitis B. It's unbelievable how no one thinks we know what we are talking about when we live in our own bodies all of the time and have to deal with them. I would think that we would know. Who would want to make up a life like that.

[Nina Kay]

I missed your other post again. We are overlapping each other. LOL. Thanks so much for being so understanding and supportive. I am so glad to find you and this forum. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this though. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. You are so right about this illness being invisible and people not being able to understand what they can't see. Just know that I do know what you are going through and how hard it is and that you are trying hard to live the best life you can with what you have to deal with. I know that we are strong people to continue to fight this battle everyday. It takes a whole lot of strength to keep fighting and living our life with such weights and obstacles and pain.

[shutterbug]

I hear ya....nobody would...that's who

[shutterbug]

Thank you too Nina....I look forward to talking to you more. Right now I have to go wrap presents for my mom and take them to her. If it wasn't for her, I'd be in a bad way.

Talk to you soon....Merry Christmas.

[Nina Kay]

Merry Christmas to you too. I have to go to my daughter's house now to exchange gifts. We do have alot of people to be thankful for don't we. My family is the light of my life, here on this earth anyway.

[sugarssweetpea]

Nina & Jenna,

I know what you guys mean. My mom always used to tell me, to just not let it bother me. Or to go to sleep & when I woke up in the morning, things would all be better. I went into a major depression, where I had insomnia backed by that train of thought because I knew that if I went to sleep, when I woke up everything would not be better, so what was the point. It seemed like I could not even get that right. Just change your way of thinking ~ that's another good one. Anyway, thanks again for sharing & for letting me share with you.
Hope you both had a wonderful day.

[shutterbug]

SSP - glad to hear you sharing.
Going to sleep doesn't help it get better, but I sleep a lot to try to get through it.

I often wish that someone could put me in a kryo-chamber and freeze me until they could figure out how to fix my depression completely ....and then thaw me out ....wouldn't that be nice!

[Nina Kay]

sugars,
I did have a wonderful day yesterday, but today, I was lazy and wasted my whole day. I have tried many times to change my way of thinking but hasn't fixed my depression problems yet because I feel that with all of us, it is a physical chemical imbalance that is causing us all of the problems. Sleeping doesn't work or every one who was ever depressed would be healed because most people who are depressed tend to sleep alot. I think that it's like shutterbug said, they need to figure out how to fix the problem completely just like any other illness that makes the body malfunction. Humans just don't know enough about how the brain works yet to be able to figure out how to fix things when they get thrown off or malfunction. Until then, we just have to support one another and try to get educated as much as possible in healthy matters do try to stay as positive as possible. I do think that we have to stop doubting ourselves and blaming ourselves so much. It's not our fault. People that have malfunctions of their physical body parts other than their physical brain do not beat themselves up, like it's all their fault or feel like they ought to be ashamed. High Blood Pressure runs in my family, but I don't beat myself up for that like I caused it or I need to be ashamed of it. It's a physical malfunction. Things aren't working properly. It's not my fault. And neither is my mental malfunction. Just something to think about.