New to the forum... feel like crying

[bookchick]

First of all, thanks to shutterbug for pointing me in this direction.

I have been treated for depression and anxiety since puberty (I am 31). I have a good relationship with my doctor and have had therapy, and when I take the medication I do pretty well. But a couple of years ago I started to drink, and that's a whole separate issue but obviously ties into depression.

The main issue is that now that I am trying to stay sober, every little thing is bothering me. And big things too. I recently started a new job after being at a totally toxic one for 4 years. While this new job isn't a toxic environment, it's not what I thought it was going to be, nor am I what they thought they were hiring. I feel in over my head and I don't think that people like me all that much. (did I mention that I have about zero self-confidence? ) I find myself constantly tense because I don't want to go back to my old job but don't know how to make this one work.

I worry about my daughter, who is 5, because while she is doing so well right now, I want her to stay that way. And I am convinced that I am doing irreperable damage. She's so bright and entertaining, I don't want to be the one to change that.

My marriage is doing well for now, but I can tell that my husband is getting to the point where it's either shape up or ship out. He's willing to help and be supportive, which is awesome, and he reminds me that I have to be the one to take the first step. So that is what I am trying to do.

I read through some of the other posts here and I can honestly say I teared up because it was reassuring to see that there are people supporting each other who actually know what I am talking about.

Phew - I think that is it for now.

[shutterbug]

Bookchick (I just love that name) I'm so glad to see you in here!!!

I don't have any time left right now, but I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow and then I can say hi to you again.

Hugs,

[bikewench]

there are people supporting each other who actually know what I am talking about.

Yeah...

we know what your talking about... ;o)

Keep coming back.. and get better with us..

[bookchick]

This is the first time that I've ever reached out and admitted that I have a problem and needed support to get me through it. I live rather far away from most of my family, so I don't have anyone to really help me besides my husband, and the poor man can only do so much.

There seems to be a lot of resources on hand and people who know what it's like, so I am glad that I googled this site.

[carolm]

I feel like crying reading your post. I have been diagnosed with major depression for over 12 years, although I'm sure I had it before then. I became an addict and had to deal with that before I could start to deal with the depression. I've been clean for 12 years now, but my depression is at its worst. I haven't been able to work, my sick leave is running out, and I don't know what to do.

I have a husband and an adult daughter who are as supportive as they can be for people who don't know what this feels like.

After I was diagnosed and got on the right meds (a process in itself), I was able to function mostly well. I am a third grade teacher, and my depression has never kept me from the job (other than a day or two at a time) until now.

My pyschiatrist is trying different meds and says I will come out of this. I just don't know.

Shutterbug is great for this stuff. I know I haven't been very helpful, but I thought I'd share. I'll keep looking for your posts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carol

[bookchick]

Carol - I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. I know what is like to have to try and balance meds, but I haven't been at the point you are at now and can only imagine how hard it must be.

I have been treated for chronic depression, which is labeled as such because I don't tend to have major depressive episodes. Unfortunately this leads some to believe that it isn't as bad. And since I drank at home, no one but my husband knew how much is was effecting me. My most recent therapist would just say "well, don't think like that" or "just don't do that." I would want to scream at him and say, don't you think if it were that easy I would do it???? It also took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I would probably need to be on medication for quite a while. And just when I thought I had things under control, I started to drink, which obviously undermines all the work that I did.

So I do know how you must feel, and I hope I can be of support to you as well. Just having someone to talk to (albeit indirectly!) seems to be making a world of difference.

[carolm]

Hi Book Chick,

Thanks for the support. I guess I had chronic depression before major depression set in. I don't know. I do know that if I drink, it's a disaster; and if I use, it's a catastrophe.

I've made up my mind that I'll probably be on meds for a very long time, if not for life. I don't like it, but if they help (which they're not now), then I'll do it.

I find it very hard to talk to anyone about this. My sincere friends listen, but they don't know how it feels. So thanks for chatting, and let's do it again. It does really help.

Carol

[bookchick]

As far as the meds, I finally just had to look at it in a different way. I have asthma and really couldn't live without my inhalers. I have no problem with the fact that I will have them for the rest of my life. So I finally let myself believe that mental illness is the same as a physical illness and having to be on meds for what could be ever is nothing to be ashamed about.

I don't have a lot of close friends, and even those I do have don't even know the half of what I put myself through. Even my husband doesn't realize some of the stuff that I do, but I am trying to work on communicating better with him when I am feeling down.

[Don W]

Welcome bookchick, Our minds can run full speed one minute and crawl to a halt the next. I can tell you from experience that stopping drinking is key to recovering from depression. We know what you are talking about because many of us live with the same issues. Although there might be different reasons, the results are the same. Self doubt, low self esteem etc. It is my belief that my mind is something new I've discovered. In the past alcohol or others determine my feelings, moods and decisions. Although we hated it, there was a feeling of comfort, knowing we didn't have to be involved. I drank, people expected me to drink, and I did what was expected of me. This was also true in other aspects of my life. Once you start to recover and start to think and act on your own everything and one changes. In fact, some of us are surprised at the problems recovery sometimes can cause. All of a sudden, Don wants to be involved, and this makes other uncomfortable. Most of all ourselves. I just had a recent blowout. I've got job changes, family issues, a sick Mother, all of which I'm handling. If this makes sense, I'm doing the unexpected of Don. I'm not sure who is more surprised. Others or myself. I think the best word to describe it is responsibility. We are taking responsibility for our life. Don't know about you but, this scares the hell out of me. Many of us wanted to be responsible. We have it but, like in my case, I've also got to learn what it is. I'm 57 and learning things I should have learned growing up. Without alcohol I have no scape goat for my actions. Alcohol gave me permission, in my mind anyway, to not feel responsible for my PTSD or alcoholism. Today, like you, I'm just as responsible to take care of my desease and one who has cancer or any other illness. I think this is possibly why your having these issues. I'd like to close by introducing you to a new friend, that given the chance, will become your best friend.
Bookchick I'd like to introduce you to Bookchick.

[bookchick]

Don, thank you for your frankness and honesty. I think that is what is hard for some of my friends to do is to be honest with what the problem really is, and they jsut tiptoe around and feel uncomfortable.

As it is coming to a weekend, I am feeling a little nervouse as they tend to be my hardest times and also the times I want to drink most. My plans to combat that are to stay busy. I have my company holiday dinner tonight. Since I am going alone, I will not be drinking (I never drink and drive - it's ironic how I seem to value other people's lives over my own). This weekend since my husband is working, I am trying to focus on my daughter and do things like hang Christmas cards, make cookies, finish shopping, and cleaning the house for grandma's arrival next week. Not as much fun as the others, but all about the responsibility you mentioned.

Does keeping busy seem to work for anyone else? I find that it is when I have downtime that the wrecked side of my mind wants to take over.

[shutterbug]

Hello again Bookchick...I'm not an alcoholic, but I can relate to the depression, anxiety, new job, toxic old job and asthma.

I lost my job in April from my depression which turned major and that's when I realized my bipolar disorder. I just started a new job this week and the day my boss said "you're hired,"...I cried for 3 days straight, but then I had several really great days. (the last 2 have been a little bad, but I forgot to take my meds for 2 days so I've been terribly grumpy and down).

Keeping as busy as possible is the best way I know of to keep my mind of things that it doesn't need to be on. On the weekends when you're having down-time log on here and start chatting and developing new friendships. I have only a couple of distant friends in the 3-D world, but I feel I have hundreds of close friends on here. I can spend hours on here just reading and posting.

Writing out my thoughts helps me release them...and I've done A LOT of releasing around here lately.

Don't be afraid to talk about what's going on. With me going though a major depression like this I seriously doubt there is anything you could say that could surprize me. I've literally had weeks were I couldn't even make myself shower or change clothes b/c of the depression. So just know that we understand and we are all here to help support each other.

Even when I'm not on here or at work I'm usually reading something in the way of "self-help" books or magazines.

Do you think trying a different therapist might help? They are all as different as snow flakes (as I'm sure you well know). Your therapist should understand that things aren't as simple as "just do it." If they were then no one would probably be an alcoholic, depressed person, or over-weight. We are all human and humans are falable.

Take comfort in knowing you are exactly where you are suppose to be right now. You found SR. You are reaching out. You are trying to stay off the alcohol. Give yourself some credit for everything you are already doing!

Keep it up and I think everything else will come in due time.

Hugs and prayers,
Jenna

[Drencrom]

I'm new to the forum too. I hope you find all the support you need.

It's good that you have your husband to give you support. My wife and I are both alcoholics.

[carolm]

Shutterbug,

How do you work when your depression goes crazy?

Carol

[shutterbug]

Well....I didn't work for 8 months (and before that I was off for 3 months of sick leave).

I've only been back working for a week now (5 days). And I got so cranky yesterday that I nearly threw a fit at my desk, which happens to sit right in front of my bosses desk. Luckily, I had worked 3 hours over-time on Tuesday, so she let me go home early yesterday. Today, I am cranky, cranky, cranky (but so were several others). They made everyone in the newsroom pose for a holiday picture that's gunna run on the front page and I seriously contemplated telling them that if they made me be in that picture I would quit. But I'm more than flat broke right now so I sucked it up and did it.

So....I don't know if I will make it long run. All I can do is take it one day at a time, one week at a time and one month at a time. I didn't have any make-up on today and I didn't have time to blow-dry my hair (so it looked like I hadn't washed it), but by-golly I was wearing clean clothes and yes I did take a quick shower and to my own surprize I actually got here before the others (I'm always late to everything).

So how??? My meds, the coping skills I've crammed over the last 15 months, my need to survive, prayers and just making myself do it. And I started making myself use my sleep apnea machine about a month ago and I've been pretty dilegent about taking multi-vitamins for a while now.

And I think it helped that I was able to lay around for so many months with no responsibilities and was able to just let my depression over-take me. I think I was able to save some strength for when I really needed it ( like now).

but it's extremely hard and not fun and I'm just hoping it gets easier. Mainly right now I'm having a lot of self-esteem problems and that's fueling my depression even more.

Mostly I give the credit to my HP b/c I follow where he leads and for that he gives me what I need to do what he asks of me. (I fight him on it sometimes, but I still want to do his will).

Hugs,
Jenna

[carolm]

Dear Jenna,

Thanks for the honesty. I wish I could just go into work and do it whether I liked it or not. The problem is I teach third graders. It's not an excuse not to go, it's just that I can't work or talk with them. (I tried in Sept.) Except for one episode that lasted 4 weeks, I have never gone through anything like this after being diagnosed.

I do have some medical problems which have come to light. I have severe anemia (which we talked about), and now I find I have to have back surgery and a partial hysterectomy. This should all occur right after Christmas. Maybe I will feel better after I recover from that.

I really want to teach, but am beginning to have my doubts.

I really appreciate your help. You are very courageous.

Carol

[shutterbug]

Carolm....just b/c right now is the right time for me to go back to work...that doesnt' mean it's the right time for you.

I totally believe you when you say you can't work and you can't talk to them. From the time I went into the mental hospital at the beginning of Sept 2004 until two weeks after I was fired from my job in April 2005....I shook 24/7 (either one leg or both legs were shaking all the time and I had an over-exaggerated startle response; and my hands often shook so bad that it was hard to pick up a pen or to write). I was really in a bad way. I had never had problems with my hands or legs shaking or being jumpy like that. Any little sound would send me about 2 feet out of my seat.

Funny how I stopped shaking and stopped being jumpy just 2 weeks after being fired....

My job had been very toxic and my boss constantly harrassed me and yelled at me and made life miserable. And even when I put in 60 hours (only getting paid for 40 hours, mind you)...it still wasn't enough and I was always getting in trouble for it.

I'm not saying this is your case. I'm just saying that as much as I hated loosing my job....i realize now that I could have never gotten better while working there in those conditions. And I had built up so much stress inside that I needed all those months of doing nothing. I NEEDED them.

I was scared to death when I got this job and am still uncertain, but when it's time then it's time.

You are exactly where you are suppose to be right now and so am I. I'm back at a paper, but I don't get to take photos any more and haven't in months and words can't describe how much I am missing that, but maybe the time away from my camera will help me in the future somehow?? Who knows?

Just know that it's okay that you can't work right now. It's okay to take time off. Rest. And don't let yourself feel guilt or anything else.

This is YOUR time and you DESERVE it!!!!!!!!!

[carolm]

Hi Jenna,

Thanks for the info and support. I know when I work that all my energy must go to the kids. This year I have a great, but challenging group. I have 6 special needs kids, which are not really a problem. It's the other kids that can be. But, after 29 years, I don't worry too much about that. The problem this year is that one child is legally blind (he's an albino), and one child is emotionally disturbed. He has spent several weeks at different times in a psychiatric unit. What gets me the most is that I usually have such good luck with those types of kids. Give me a problem anyday over a whining girl. I feel that I am so failing them. The substitute is very good, and I need to stop thinking that I'm the only one that can reach these kids.

I also have to have back surgery and a partial hysterectomy in January. We're talking about 8 weeks recovery time. I am somewhat scared, especially over the back surgery. I also worry about the pain, and how I'm going to handle that. I've talked to the docs and they know my history, but I don't get the feeling that they think it's such a big deal. They said I would need pain med in the hospital and then we'll see after that. I guess they've never been addicts nor know anyone who is.

You are so good to talk to and I really appreciate your help. I know you're not doing what you really want to right now, but hopefully, that will change. At least, you've made a start. I bet you are a great photographer.

Thanks again.

Carol

[shutterbug]

I'm sure that all your kids what the best for you too and what's important right now is your health. Everything happens for a reason, I believe. Who knows what God has planned for the kids in your class, but I believe He takes care of children first so you can know they are in good hands. And you are exactly where you are suppose to be.

Yeah...I have to tell myself that one too...everyday in fact. I am not happy here, but I know there's a reason for my being here (probably a lesson in humility. I have trouble being humble when it comes to my accomplishments so I'm sure this is exactly what I need.)

I did get a ray of hope today though. I e-mailed the state AP photographer and asked if I could start submitting feature photos to the state wire again (even thought this small paper doesn't subscribe to AP) and she asked the head hancho and he gave the go-ahead. So I'm siked about getting some of my stuff back up and flowing across the wire again. Although, there's still a few obsticles I must jump over...one being I don't have a camera and the other being I dont' get to take many photos in my job, as of yet anyway, but I'm working on that issue. There might even be a possibility that the paper will buy me a camera and let me make monthly payments by taking it out of my pay checks. That would be awsome to have my own camera (and that is something my old paper wouldn't even consider doing).

Anyway....my suggestion about the back surgery and pain is to start researching alternative pain management techniques between now and your surgery. What did peeps do back in the old days for sever pain?

This is your time to heal and grow and learn. Think of this time off as a special time. I mean, do you ever plan on taking off this much time in the future before retirement? Enjoy it as much as you can b/c chances are you won't be able to take this much time off until you retire. Pamper yourself, learn a new craft, step-up recovery efforts, volunteer at something once a week....

[shutterbug]

Anything that will help you feel better about taking this (much deserved and needed) time for yourself.

Hugs

[carolm]

Thanks, Jenna.

I'm glad that you're hopefully going to be doing photography again. I bet you are great.

Carol

[shutterbug]

thanks Carol.

Bookchick....check in with us when you have time....been wondering how you are doing?

[bookchick]

Well, I have to say I haven't had the greatest time the past couple weeks. Not all bad - Christmas weekend was very nice - but leading up to and after was and is a struggle. First thing is that my husband is in retail management, so of course this is his busiest time of year and we don't see each other a lot. That in and of itself is not the problem, it is that when he is home he is tired and tends to jump on me and my daughter for little things, but I'm not supposed to say anything about the fact that he's being mean. I have to admit that this does tend to happen every year around this time, but usually we are able to make it through and start getting along again. But that has usually happened by now, and we are still on each other's nerves. We're supposed to go out to dinner at a fancy restaraunt tomorrow (w/o daughter - a real grown-ups dinner!) but I really wonder if it's worth the effort or if he will just complain about being tired and not appreciate any of it.

In the back of my mind though, even though I tell myself he has no right to be mean just out of exhaustion, I keep thinking that I am the one taking it out of proportion since I am back on meds but not adjusted to them yet and that quitting drinking is effecting my mood, and how it's probably just all my fault anyway.

the same goes for my job - I am still struggling to find where I fit in and how to do what they want of me, but I frequently feel so overwhelmed that I end up not doing anything. I wake up with a firm plan of what needs to get done and how I will do it and all tha organization goes right out the drain once I hit the door. I can get myself up and into work, but that's about it.

There is some other minor stuff to that is going on that is frustrating but these are the big ones. Don't know if makes any sense - I am tired and on my way out the door to work - but I needed to get some of it off my chest!

[bikewench]

Hey bookchick..

yeah...
stressful times..
we all have them...
but.. like you say... we usually move beyond them as well when the circumstances change.
the thing is...
if enough of it doesn't change.. then we're gonna be stuck.



Thankfully though... it doesn't take a whole lot sometimes to shift the whole dynamic...

Even just a few simple changes in ourselves..

like setting our goals lower so that we can achieve them and feel like a winner instead of a loser.
that's one thing I had to do...
on the days I could barely get myself to work... I had to pat myself on the back just for the fact I got to work with food in my stomach... showered.. teeth brushed and clean clothes on.

that was my accomplishment some days.

other days.. I'd throw in a really challenging task ... like cleaning the bathroom..


I do realized today though.. that my first tendancy is to try to lay blame on another for when my life is tanking...
but.. it's my deal all the way...
even my reactions to another's behavior...

workin on it every day though...

so.. just keep venting...
keep your chest clear... ;o)

[meli2005]

Sometimes we all need a good cry. Give yoruself a little more time at the new job before you decide about it. New jobs are hard to get into. New people, new ways of doing things, etc. It's a big adjustment. Take it one day at a time.

Talk about these things, it helps to work thru them. We all have times when we feel inadequate.

Do something you enjoy.

[bookchick]

Thanks for the encouragement - one of my biggest issues is setting unattainable goals, so now I am working on "ok, get your desk cleaned and straightened" as opposed to "clean this, update that, draft new policy on this, do end of year paperwork..." you get the picture. And to be fair, I am in Human Resources, which in any company is not only a dreaded job to get used to, but people usually don't like the person in the position by default.

It's also kind of why I post on this forum - someone to vent to. I don't have a lot of close friends. The one friend of mine who would be able to listen and understand lives far away and we don't speak very often. I do have people I am friendly with, but not so much that I would want to share a lot of personal details. My mom and are close, but if I say anything about my husband pissing me off she takes it as a sign of doom and thinks my marriage is failing even though it's normal to have ups and downs. This is the first forum I found where you can vent and no one thinks you are crazy