Bi-Polar and affairs

[nubnutlin]

Hello,

My wife is bi-polar and has been taking medication for that last 7 years. It has been a very rocky road for our marriage which has caused a seperation between us for almost 5 years. I always have considered myself still being married through out those years and have never went outside of our marriage for companionship. I have been faithful even though I know my wife has had affairs which she denies but I have confirmed. We have dealt with everyone of them and I have forgiven but not forgotten. We have now moved back in with each other so that our daughter who is 7 can try to have a normal life mostly so that I can help out. Through out the years my daughter has been with my wife and has experienced many episodes of suicide attempts, highs and lows and mood swings. She was very young for most of them and I still don't know if they affected her. She has even walked in on sexual encounter with someone other than me. It has been almost 2 years since we have been back together and she is starting again with the affairs. I just found out about the latest over the weekend by going into her phone and checking out her phone messages. I just felt something was wrong. I know that I shouldn't have looked but in my situation I really don't have any trust. Through our conversation over the weekend we discussed the problem and I have given her one more chance. She says that she can't help herself that she feels that she is missing something but doesn't know what it is. Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do? I love my wife and she says she loves me she just can't control herself. I don't won't to get a divorce but if I can't trust her what else is left.

Thanks,

[Don W]

I'm not sure of the ansers but, from expernce a relationship can't be built on mistrust and checking on the other's phone messages. To live under these conditions are not provide the daughter with a " Normal Life." Maybe a marrige counselor could help. I've found out that there are different issues that need different treatment. Your wife's Bi-polar treatment won't solve the relationship problem. My wife and I got caught on this. We were having problems along with my alcoholism. We felt, that if I got better we'd get better. We still have some of the communication problems, the only difference is the removal of the alcohol. If she won't join you, seek help yourself. You've got some difficult decisions to make but, to live under these conditions are helping nobody.

[shutterbug]

First off...((((welcome)))) to our little corner of SR. Super glad you're here.

Secondly, sexual promiscuity is an unfortunate, but real, symptom of the bipolar disorder (although since not all or even most affairs are b/c of BP, you can't say that you wife's actions are from her disorder or are coming from somewhere else). Most bipolars become more sexually promiscuous during manic phases (or mixed episodes).

I have to be honest by telling you that i find it odd that you were seperated for 5 years, yet remained married - especially while she was being with other men. Sounds like to me you are hanging on to the "what if's" and the "if only's" that cause so much confusion and mis-guided hope in all of our relationships. But 5 years is a little extreme.

You say that you have been back together for 2 years now "mostly so that I can help out."

This says EVERYTHING to me.....dear your wife is using you - end of story in my book. I've seen this happen many times by both men and women and even myself once. Yes i cared for him, but i knew i didn't really love him anymore, but it was just "easier" to have someone there all the time. She may not even realize that she is using you, but she is. She knows you will stick by her and therefore she doesn't put much stock into her actions that hurt you.

Like you said...you have proof that she's gone outside your marriage, yet she continues to deny it. It's easier for her to deny, because then she doesn't have to explain herself.


You DEFINETLY deserve more from life. Please stop living life by the "if only" philosophy. I've been there and it's such a waste and is never productive. She won't change for you....no matter how much she says she will or will try. Chances are that this is the 101 chance you've already given her...right? What makes you think this one time will end differently than the last 100? It won't...i can't almost guarentee that. Why? Because there are no real adverse consequences to her actions. She hurts you. You call her on it and a fight ensues. She appologizes. You forgive and then you both continue on. Same thing as yelling at a small child when they are mis-behaving....words do very little to elicit any true response or change, but REAL actions in the form of REAL punishment, over time, result in change b/c the child learns that the bad behavior brings misery on themselves. In this case, most of the misery is ending up on you rather than her!

And your daughter most definetly is and has been affected by her mother's actions....please know that b/c she needs to be told that "she" is not the cause of things. (kids always assume that all the "bad" things going on in the family are their faults b/c they don't yet understand the world and outside stresses). My twin nephews just turned 2 and their parents are divorcing. I was curious as to how much the seperation would affect them and have been surprized in the fact that they are showing that they ARE really feeling the affects much more than i would have ever thought possible. I would strongly recommend placing your daughter in counseling 2-4 times a month. Yes....at 7 years old even. Talking things out with a profession doesn't hurt...so why not. I think it can make a BIG difference in her self-esteem and self-worth issues as she continues to grow up. (If you can't afford it there are state-funded programs that will help - often for free). Walking in on the sexual encounter worries me too. A therapist can help her cope with having a bipolar mom and divorced parents.

Don't beat yourself up about checking your wife's phone messages. People who get angry about that stuff, in my opinion, are only people who have things to hide. My sister recently got upset because two days after she kicked her husband out, he found her van at her work and placed a dozen roses inside for her to find at quitting time. You know what.....she could have cared less about the flowers! She was almost livid over the fact that he was in "her" van! (I love my sister, but even i can see she has things she's hiding from her husband, and the rest of us, because i've never given a hoot about my significant others going through any of my things. in fact, if they suspect i'm hiding something, id rather them look and find out i'm not than to continue suspecting. I think that just how a lot of honest people feel and think, but maybe i'm wrong?)

Trust your gut, always. I never had any real proof my ex-fiance was cheating, but i had a lot of gut feelings and superfisial evidence, but i didn't want to believe it so i kept giving him chances. Two years after we had been seperated...he admitted for the first time about all the different girls he'd been with while we were together and trying to work things out.

Since you've already decided to give her one more chance...i would suggest you do it sceptically. Afterall she's the one that has to win back your trust. So just ASSUME that she can't be trusted and will never change....start getting use to the idea of ending things for good with her so that when she inevitably does hurt you again, you will have the strength to show her there are real conscequences to hurting the people you care about. You deserve so much better than all of that.

I've learned this. One time is an accident, twice is possibly pushing it, but three times is a pattern!

I've also learned that 99 percent of the time none of us REALLY change without a TON of hard work on ourselves for long, sustained amounts of time. Look to something you've tried to change about yourself....something you don't like and WANT desperately to fix about yourself...how successful have you been without A LOT of conscience effort involved? Think about that and about....What is she doing to try and make sure she doesn't do it again? What is she doing differently? Is she reading self-help books, seeking counsceling, swearing off friendships with men, calling more often to check in and let you know where she's at and who she's with? What? Change takes work. period.

And she can help herself...she just doesn't want to.
I know a late-stage alcoholic who became a millionaire when he was able to get sober for 2 years, but he went back to the bottle and now lives either with is mom, in his car or off of friends and girlfriends. He says he can't help it either, unless you really talk to him about it and then he told me that he really doesn't want to sober up yet. He's miserable drinking, yet he doesn't feel like doing the work to get sober so he stays drunk and homeless everyday. He'll either die in the next 10 years or he will decide that HE CAN HELP IT and put forth the effort to do it, but only HE can make that choice and he has to make the choice for himself and no one else or he will inevitably fail.

I hope i'm makings sense here. Your post struck a cord b/c emotionally i've been in your spot so many times. And i'm here to tell you please.....please....throw in the towel an begin putting YOUR life together again. OR come to the decision that you are gunna tolerate her going outside the marriage. It's one or the other. There's no in-between. She is who she is and if you want to stay with her then you're just gunna keep having to deal with it.

Please....I want you to learn to love yourself more than that. People who love themselves suffieciently won't put up with the kind of stuff you've been putting up with for so many years. They cut their loses, re-group, pick up the pieces and head off for bigger and better.

Anyway,.....these are all my opinions and i like to be straight-forward with people b/c sweetening or softening things only water them down and make things more confusing.....and i want to really help people not suffer when they don't have to. None-the-less, take what you want and leave the rest.

Hugs and God bless,
Jenna

P.S. Find a friends and family bipolar support group through NAMI might help you too AND the more you learn to cope with bipolar disorder the better b/c chances are that since it's passed through family lines, your daughter MAY struggle with it down the road as she gets older. Not a for sure, but a possiblity that should be watched for in my opinion.

[fuster]

Marriage is nothing if there is not trust. You are right. And stay the course and if she messes up you either leave or she leaves. Personally I would keep your daughter and make her live on her own, because her lifestyle is less stable than what you can provide.

Your wife has to take care of her own recovery. Bipolar is different for everyone. Just because she is bipolar that does not mean it is why she has affairs. They could be very distinct issues. And it is really academic and irrelevant to this discussion since you asked for advice for your situation and you sound like splitting up is looming in the future (based on wife's past performance). If there is not the trust about fidelity it is time to end things and try to rebuild your life.

[nubnutlin]

Thanks so much for all of the advice. It has helped me to realize that I should coup with my feelings first and ask myself how do I really feel about all of this. I don't deserve this type of life. I work hard to provide for my family, maybe I'm just a nice guy that is on the path of finishing last. I will look for some support groups and couseling in my area. I feel that I could benefit from the sessions because even if I go through with the divorce I am unsure if I will ever trust again because the pain and mistrust I feel is so great. I am also afraid of exploding inside and making things worse. Just the fact that I am writing about all of this goes against my character but it has helped me think about how I feel. I am hoping that is the first step.

Sincerely,

[shutterbug]

nubnutlin....i know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so discouraged. I think you have known deep down that this has been coming for a while. And most importantly a lot of times, when we are years past these kinds of painful things in our lives -- we see how going through it made us stronger, happier people. I believe things happen for reasons...usually lessons that we haven't learned yet and we always repeat the same things over and over until we learn whatever lesson we're suppose to come to understand.

Support groups are a great idea i think. And speaking of which...i don't know if you've ever had any relationships with an alcoholic or other addict, but even if not I think you could find a lot of comfort in the teachings of Alanon ( a support group from friends and family of alcholics). I truely believe that Alanon is an excellent tool for ANYONE to use to lead happier, more peaceful and wonderful lives. If nothing else....check into picking up some of the daily devotionals that you can find just about everywhere...there are about 3-4 that are most popular and every time the word alcoholism is used or alcoholic is used....can be switched out for just about any relationship problem in life. I even switched the wording to help me in my struggle with my mental illness. When reading, i substitute the word alcholism for bipolar disorder and the daily page is often helpful in regards to putting things into perspective for me. And the number of meetings held in a big city are abondunt and every day so there's always people gathered together to support one another. It's great, IMHO. I think you can find serenity in the program wether you stay married or not.

KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! I would most like to press this upon you b/c i've been journaling about my struggles for more than a year now and I can't even begin to describe how much it has enhanced my life. It's not only a way of releasing pain and letting go of tension and anger without anyone else having to be yelled at or what not, but as you said....it helps us figure things out that we wouldn't have figured out otherwise. Often in just talking to myself here...it's the active thinking that often solves so many problems for me (and i've heard others say this too). Throughout much of my life whenever I was in the middle of a difficult and very painful relationship or ending one...i often used paper to vent to. I can in a way "scream" all i want. I actually get angry with the pen and paper and press hard and write fast and in giant letters to make big points as if i was screaming at the top of my lungs. In my experience....it's the same kind of relief I've felt when actually screaming at the person. And after i've gotten all my screaming out....then that calms me down so i can actually have more affective conversations with people too...and it's almost like a trial run in talking about the things that bother you and helps me to figure out what my main points are that i'm trying to make.

I'm kinda rambling on and on about this....i just don't want you to stop writing about things. If you dont' want to write about it all here then go by a $2 notebook and get to scribbling....nobody, but you will ever have to see it if you don't want them too.

Hang in there...