Dragging Yourself Through Recovery/ Beware trigger posibility

[Don W]

Not sure if anyone can identify but, for the last few weeks I've been dragging myself into using the tools needed to stay sober and on target. Most of the time I've enjoyed doing the work needed. Trying to fight the desire to strike out at others. I'm doing OK but, I don't feel like doing anything. Then feel guilty for not doing anything. Fighting the desire to throw in towel at times and wondering how to change this pattern takes all my energy. Sometimes, I forget and ask for help out loud. My wife hears me say, "God help me". and of course questions. Sometime, believe it or not, I'm even overwhelmed by what I've been able to do. How can you be overwhelmed by recovery? It's hard to explain. Sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I made a mistake and watched a program on PBS about survivors of abuse. I kept clicking away and the back. Some were telling my story, stories you've told on SR. Young children, afraid of being murdured yet, maybe not understanding at their young age what murduer was. I could relate so much. Being told by those that sexually abused me that I would be killed if I told. Not totaly understnading why I'd be killed for something they taught me was OK. Another of those false lessons. I only watched for about 5 minutes but, in those five minutes a lifetime of, I don't even know what to call it. But, a life- time. I think I can point the start reading a post by someone that mirrored my abusive childhood. I always go through a period of adjustment when new knowledge or flashback happen. I had one the other day. My mother was living with her mother and father, I think a nervous breakdown and father was in hospital from heart attack. It was Christmas, and like my when my parents were there an older one took us for a walk Chrismas Eve. When we returned santa had been there. I think me and my two brothers were between 5 and 8. Anyway, my sister took us for a walk and as joke told us our parents had been killed. She even put us to bed letting us believe it. Strange even back then word of my mother being killed devistated me, my father? there was relief, no more beatings. The next time this feeling happened was in 67 in the Navy got word he died. I've always felt guilty about being happy and relieved. I couldn't even cry to hide my feelings during the funeral. Although I was out of his reach, I felt relief for the youger children still at home. I haven't thought about this for years.

[shutterbug]

i don't think there's anything wrong with feeling relief from him passing....he was a monster who tortured you and other children and being relieved is understandable.

Heck just look to our history to see monster's being defeated and people rejoicing. It's been happening for centuries. I even saw an old headline the other day that said something like, "Americans rejoice 6 slain"....at that moment, i couldn't for the life of me think of why any American's would actually "rejoice" someone being slain from the war. Those 6 people had done nothing personal to any of those who were rejoicing, most likely. So why would they be so happy? Because the THREAT of personal harm to them and their children was lessoned with the deaths of those 6 men.

It's no different in your case. Although, actually in your case there's even more cause for celebration because you actually WERE caused direct and physical harm from this man. So rejoice, celebrate....not the passing of him as a person, but the part of him that was a child abuser. That person is gone and can't hurt another child ever again.....i personally think that calls for celebration.

I can only relate to your other concerns in saying that I too often feel overwhelmed by recovery and yet still feel like i'm doing nothing. And i don't understand that either.

But just look how far you have come and know how hard you have struggled.....it's not worth loosing all that...so hang on tight no matter what you do. Be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished and look at what kind of wonderful things you will be able to pass onto your children.

Hang in there

[LinzisAddiction]

if it helps you any...

I go through that alot. I have dreams of such things. I dream that The man who molested me was killed in strange and painful ways. And, i always seemed to wake up happy.

[Don W]

I understand both your points. I think sometimes this is all part of the process of recovery. Things blocked out for years coming to the surface. I take the raw information and process it. It is painful and difficult but, deal with it I must. For years I'd avoid or drink them back inside. I have found out, not to long ago, that he was mentally ill. Sometimes these flare ups help put things into perspective. This might sound strange but, to be happy about his demise and hate him, reminds me of him.
Resentments and revenge were his stong suit. I learned and practice them for years. I can see right now, that to contiue these behaviors will keep his, legacy if you will, alive inside me. I don't know, I could be wrong but, I need to be better than the behavior he showed and I learned. Maybe, the perspective that I was glad his behavior died, would be better. I must stop the cycle of past learned behavior which slows or stops my recovery. Thanks for your help.

[shutterbug]

i see what you're saying....maybe just be glad that now more kids will go through what you went through from him? I don't know....as you may know i haven't even begun to try and make peace with my abusive past yet. I'm too scared too, i think.

I know there's a way to have serenity about it all....i just don't know what that way is.

But i have faith you will find it and then later will be able to lead others, like me, to find it as well.

Hugs