depression or drug addiction

[maximussativa]

being diagnosed with bipolar its hard to figure out how bad my drug addiction. Depression is nothing new to me, drug addiction is. i know the feeling of depression, but now the drugs just override me with numbness. i can't feel the pain i used to, i almost need to feel it to make me realize how much i really need to start taking action with my life. i have no many suppressed feelings and emotions and memories that i've pushed down and chosen to ignore. its only built up to make my head into a huge ball of confusion. i can't seem to put a grasp on reality that every day that goes by with me being a victim or my drug addcition and depression is just one day less i have to live or better myself. change has always been a hard thing for me, i cant seem to see a positive out look on life without the use or drugs in it. depression has totally taken over my thought process, only using drugs to run away from my life. scared of commitment, scared of failure, im stuck in a ditch and can't out. i feel like my whole life is just on pause, i cant seem to push forward, i've made my situtaion bad enough to the point where people are fed up with trying to help me. relationships between previous friends just seem to become more distant unless they are a friend to get high with. i want to change i just can't even think of it because i get so ******* overwhlemed with it all. i've known nothing but failure, and the one thing i know i can be good at is getting as high as possible every day. i never thought i would see myself in theposition im in now, but i just don't know how to start or what to do anymore, life is just spinning around in circles

[Don W]

Hi maxium, Welcome to SR. I can only speak from experence but, until I got my alcoholism under control the was littler that could be done. Using and taking medication, you might as well take M&M's. I have Ptsd and depression and everything worked off each other. So many of these mask each other's symptoms. When I'd stay sober onlt, I'd be uncomfortable with things going well and sabotage. When I'd drink and go to counseling, I'd lie and bury my true feelings. I feel that setting priorities was key for me. The top was dealing with my addiction/alcoholism. Medications and drugs/alcohol work against each other. I also reduced my caffiene consumpsion. Believe it or not, this made a big difference. Most depression medications can be rendered useless with to much caffiene. Sort of like a diet soda with chocolate cake. Next, and this is really hard, stop picturing yourself as a failure. The fact you are trying makes you not a failure. This isn't an all or nothing process. Set reasonable, achievable goals. Improvement and progress not perfection. It's not you that your friends resent, it's your illness. Have you considered a program? I was helped and sometimes a program can help lay the foundation and get you started. First off, you have another whole set of friends here. Take care and responsibility for your recovery. The new and wonderful person will attract real friends back and new ones.

[RN92]

Wow, Maxim, you sound just like me. I think my brief but heavy use of narcotics was a symptom of my depression. Ive always suffered depression, but drug addiction is new to me. You may be escaping emotion for a short time, but you're paying a high price when your life starts caving in around you. Trouble is, you dont know how much damage you've done until you come off of the drugs. You CANT do it alone, or you would have already.
Addiction is like a bad love affair. You want it, you obsess over it, you know its bad for you but you want it anyway. If you can get away from it, the addiction will beg to come back - it will make promises (I'll do it once and stop, or it wont be so bad this time, I can control it), you will yearn for it. How can you have other relationships with people when you are so caught up in this one. No one is as important as your drug of choice. Thats why you have to have help. The hardest part of recovery is asking for help. Do it before your life is unfixable.

[shutterbug]

Listen to Don and RN....they know what they are talking about. I don't know what kind of drugs you are on, but it might be helpful for you to check out the NA forum here at sober recover....and also find some local NA meetings to attend each week in your area. You have to be committed to wanting to quit or it won't happen. I believe NA to be a good program because it's based off of AA, which has had the highest success rate with alcohol addiction anywhere.

And until you stop using....you're not gunna know where the addiction ends and the bipolar disorder begins. And when you do get sober, if you are taking care of the bipolar disorder then that will help you stay sober, in addition to working a program.

God luck, hugs and God Bless,
Jenna