all comes crashing down

[maximussativa]

positive thoughts fill my mind for only a short while until the mood swing hits, falling apart when commitments are made and i feel i can't keep them, unreliable ruining all that is positive. and why can't i just change for the best, so do i have so many sleepless nights with restless turning with nothing but anger at myself for everything. why can't i just forgive the past and move on to what will make me feel better today. i know all the tools to make everyhting better but the thought of failure overrides my thought process and i immediately give into an unresponsible lifestyle full of dishonesty and drug abuse. maybe i need more help than i thought, maybe i havent learned or dont' realize how much pain i'am really in. with the numbness from the drugs its hard to find out who i am anymore, or why im here. my dreams of the future amazingly positive, i just can't get passed this entrapped world i feel my mind lives in.

[carolm]

Hey Maxi,

Take a good look at your post. It alone will tell you that you need more help. My heart is bleeding for for you. You express such hopelessness and pain. You express dreams of the future. Your future will depend on whether you want to get clean. I was an out of control drug addict, and I can remember many an early morning that I, too, felt despair. It hurts. The drugs will continue to make you feel this way. The only way towards brightness is to make a decision to stop. I know that is easier said than done; and please don't feel that I am lecturing you, but when I read your post I acutely remembered feeling just as you do now.

Please get some help. I went to rehab and then to AA. I see that many members of SR go to NA. There weren't any NA meetings around here when I got clean. But try everything. Please keep posting. There are a lot of members who will support you.

I will be thinking of you.

Carol

[Don W]

Positive thoughts for even a short time is a start. This is a process and you've been able to have some poitive thoughts. Now you need to learn how to extend them. The past is an old chapter in your life. The start of a new chapter will lead to another and another. Soon, the past becomes more distance and is clouded by the new. Carol is correct, please look into some type of help. By all means no matter what stay connected to SR. I used and kept connected, if nothing else, I did that right. Like carol said, at the beginning I could easaily replace your's with my name on your post. Takes some time and read the other new people. Identify? You aren't alone. Refocus your anger on the correct target, your addiction. It will simply laugh at you punishing yourself. Picture yourself as a survivor. Like myself you might need help with other issues. Mine was like a stool with 3 legs. As long as one remained broken I could sit. Addiction,Mental Issues and spiritual issues must be treated differently but, at the same time. I'm talking about actions and behavior when I mention spiritual, don't think religion, some do and run. Can I ask? One big problem I had was with sabotage. Any success or good feeling made me so uncomfortable, that I'd sabotage. Feeling bad got to the point of normal and comfortable. Have you done this due to self anger or self hate? Been there done that.