Today's Journey

[amymarie]

As some of you know, I had posted on here about being an incest survivor and the effect it has (and is) having on my mind, body and soul...
Due to circumstances beyond my control, my post has been erased- and I feel it is for the good of Amy that it happened this way. I would like very much to start a thread here about incest and abuse in all of its forms. I would like very much to have a place to vent and be heard - for all of us who suffer and all of us who have overcome... however, for my protection, and I am sure many of your's as well, I would like to keep this simple...not too graphic, for I have learned recently that I am easily triggered...I would hate for anyone else to be.

I am Amy and I am an incest survivor. My father and my brother both taught me at a very young age that sex and love are one in the same. They also taught me that love is very painful and secretive and dirty...
My father was also very physically and emotionally abusive. He liked to tell me how bad I was and how ugly I was and how unfit for this world that I was...and guess what? I believed him...still do. It has taken its toll on me. I am an alcoholic addict who finds no solice in this world. I am quick to judge others so I dont have to look at my own faults. I am hurting and I am tired.

I am in the hold of flashbacks right now. I cant seem to make the memories stop. They come when they want and they stay as long as they see fit. I have tried to drink them away, but that only fueled their fire. I have tried to drug them away, but that only made the pain worse the next day.... I would like to know I am not alone.

I feel scared 90% of the time. I feel clingy to anyone I get my hands on... I feel like a child learning to swim in the ocean without a life jacket...

I want to know how to direct my anger at who it is intended...instead of those who only happen to be passing thru my abyss...
I want to know what real love feels like and know how to accept it when offered...
I want to smile for me, not you.
I am trying to push through this. I would like some help and some feedback.
I hope there is someone out there (other than me) that this thread can help.
Thanks Don for alllll of you support and kind words...You Rock...
amymarie

[shutterbug]

Amy...just found this on www.the-bright-side.org and thought it would fit nicely with your thread...

Unfinished Business: Do You Have Some?
by Debra Moore, Ph.D.



Only you know what feels unfinished and deserves your attention.

If you continue to feel pain or have not made peace with any of the following situations, please consider talking to a trusted friend, advisor or professional so that you can process your feelings.

Unfinished business may be an obstacle to the self esteem you desire.

Possible unfinished business:

childhood pain
trauma, abuse
losses (death, divorce, moves)

former relationship losses

other adult losses
pets, jobs, home, friends, deaths

current relationship issues
marriage, partner, boss, neighbors, relatives

issues with your children (including adult children)
unaddressed fears or problems

body issues
weight, self image, injury or disabilities

sexuality issues
orientation, desire, preferences, anxiety

career/work issues
choice of career, current workplace conflict

financial habits/decisions
debts, chronic overspending or a pattern of depriving yourself
chronic anxiety or guilt about money

drinking, drug, eating, spending, or sex habits
anything that feels out of control or has caused problems at work or in
relationships

shame about anything - any secrets

fears and phobias

various adult traumas
rape, attack, crime
accidents, natural disasters

pregnancy issues
infertility
miscarriages
unresolved abortions


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Moore is a licensed psychologist and Founder and Director of Fall Creek Associates. She is President of the Sacramento Psychological Association, adjunct faculty member in the School of Psychology at the Fielding Graduate Institute, teaches classes through The Learning Exchange, and frequently appear as a guest on public service programs having to do with psychology and emotional wellness. She has also written a newspaper column called Senior Wellness, which focuses on general psychology topics as well as those of special interest to senior readers. In addition to working with private clients, she welcomes the opportunity to disseminate information on psychology and mental health issues to the general public through her PsychPages website.


Last modified: November 17, 2002

[amymarie]

Thanks Shutterbug...nice fit, i think.

[Mel77]

Amymarie...... I am glad you started this back up. I think that it will be very beneficial to you and to others. It is a touchy subject, BUT i do think it is a subject that needs to be discussed and made to where it is not quit so touchy. ( hope that made sense).... I too am an incest survivor. One of my main problems is i have a hard time talking about it, so maybe this will make it a little easier for me and others. Again, thanks for having the courage to start this.
Mel

[shutterbug]

Hi Amy I found some more information about shame and guilt and how verbal, physical and sexual abuse from parents telling us we are worthless leads to deep inner shame. I didn't want to clog up you thread with all the info so i put it in a seperate thread and here is the link to it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...659#post683659

[Don W]

Amy, I read in awe your post not opening wounds but, identifing in order to treat and heal them. I know I can identify with your pain and the attempt for years to forget, self medicate or sometimes, just give in and accept the person others made. Not knowing who or what we are or stand for is a learned life long lesson. I've been sober about 3 years now. Although I've had longer and shorter lenghts of sobriety, this is the first that was coupled with my PTSD and emotional. So many years myself and others sort of Poo Poo'd the effect that abuse, sexual abuse and incest had on people's life. Sometimes to the exsent that we feel that we were the abuser or deserved the abuse. All one has to do is read the paper and discover that defense lawyers, know and understand this. In fact they base their defense on it. Here in Boston there is an ongoing abuse case involving a large institution. When victums of the abuse have come forward they've been attacked. Many are older and the abuse took place while they were young. Many have testified and spoke how because they didn't speak up, they were to blame. Not just regular people but, people in very high positions. Some of us were even brought up that to force ourselves on another was OK. Very few John Wayne movies don't have him carrying a kicking and screaming woman up the stairs to the bedroom. I agree that without getting graphic we can talk and get things out. If some feels the need to post and talk about something specific, they could consider leading with a trigger warning. I am like you in the fact I never know what my mind is going to release or when. Right now I'm tired and need to hit the sack. I'm taking an early train and spend the day with my mother. When I talked earlier she responded in that famous "Wallace" I'm fine response. However, when I mentioned being their in morning the joy in her voice surprised me. My sister mentioned how happy she was I was coming. My mother was teased many years about her gift og gab. I left her speechless with an" I love you, see you tommoro" ending. Could I possibly teach my mother that it's OK to hug and voice our love for each other? She even mentioned me protecting her. Something I could never do as a child when my father beat her. There is so much coming out the last few days. I was always upset as I said because she didn't protect us from my father. The last few days I'm remembering things, differently than how I remembered before. I now remember that sometimes when my father would be ready to beat us, she'd do something to switch his anger to her. A feeling of her taking a beating for us is emerging. I now think I remember my older sister telling me once when I was about 9.
This is what I mentioned before that happens to me somtimes. The events are the same and I can't change them. However, sometimes my mind doesn't remember them the way it happend or outright removed the event. Sometimes I have flashbacks and it isn't until months even years later I can put them in place. I feel that I'm like a giant puzzle. for years people took pieces of me and replaced them with pieces of another puzzle. They never really fit but, for years I'd make them fit. A little bend here a little twist there. I always felt and feel they are a part of me and must be me. Today, I'm learning that these pieces are in fact not to this puzzle. I can discard them, and even though I might have a hole in their place, the correct pieces are there to be found. I no longer need to try and be whole with a piece that doesn't fit. The pieces have been in me since I was a little boy. My wife mentioned one time, after hearing some of the stories, that we kids brought ourselves up. I now believe her as being correct. Being a young child with a young child's mind, I used these false examples to assemble Don. Could it be possible that I, and some of you, as adults in fact sort of have to bring ourself up as adults?

[shutterbug]

Amy.....here's a book my wonderful therapist suggested to me a while back.

* The Sexual Healing Journey by ? - for the sexually abused

(I haven't come across a copy yet, but i haven't tried the library or Amazon yet either)

[amymarie]

Thank you shutterbug, Mel77 and Don for all of your input. It is scary to post such revealing information, but I have been assured that if I dont talk about it I will surely go down with it. So thanks for the encouragement.

Last night was unbelievably hard. I wrote about the abuse (as suggested by a true friend) and was told that it may trigger or stir up some serious emotions. As I wrote this 'narrative', my handwriting changed, my thought process changed and my feelings changed. I became someone else...someone smaller and weaker (or stronger). I wrote until my arms ached. I cried until the dam shut off. I didn't read what I had written for quite a while because I was scared.

And then I did...

And I cant believe how graphic and disgusting it was. And I cant believe how intense my writing was. But I did it. And now I have shared that. And I feel differently about it...as if it has lost a little power or hold.

Thanks P for the suggestions...
Today I am better than I was yesterday...slow progress, but progress the same.

[RX-7]

My little sister was molested by my older brother, she told me to graphical stuff for a 10 year old to know. He life has become graphical, she quit careing about her self (when it showed) when she was 16. She has no self worth, she is a stripper, and she has an alchohol problem. she (in 1999 at 19) at Had a baby threw a guy in town then after he was a year old she left him with my mom and went to chicago and is still there she gave up all custody to my folks because they took her to court.
I have always tryed to be there for her i dont under stand her and dont care for what she is doing with her life i makes me real sad, i miss her and love her but i dont know how to help her, when i think about her my heart weeps and my eyes tear up and since i found out what my brother did we have not had a relationship of eny kind because i hate him for what he did. I would givew anything to see her happy and he life in some order and with a man who can show her real love.

[Don W]

Amy, sometimes like you were told we need to trigger the events. Like I said before, not to relive them but, investigate and sort fact from assumption. RX-7, This must be very hard for you. If your like me, I spent my life trying to fix things. Other than me that is. I visited my mother today at the rehab. She's not doing very well mentally more than physically. I can identify with your powerless feeling. This is why we need to fix ourselves first. This is the only true way to help others I feel. Being a power of example replaces trying to use power you don't have. To tell you all the truth, I'm overloaded and going to take the night off. I've found that there is so much information being given and released, I need to step back and process. I think this is why we get pieces here and there. I'll check in and tell you more later. I'm sure you understand. Trying to tell a 91 year old, that is blind and can't walk to not be discouraged is hard. I didn't even try. Funny, how she spoke of much the same feelings we have from time to time. She is tired of having to fight everyday to try and lead a normal life. Sound familiar?

[RX-7]

With out a Doubt Don

[amymarie]

Yes Don It does sound familiar.

Last night I got out of the house by myself. I went to an AA meeting...
While I sat there I started having the beginnings of a panic attack...or a flashback...unsure which.
I kept my feet on the floor and 'willed it away' if you will.
After the meeting my old sponsor was ill so I needed to follow him home...yes HIM...same age as my dad, same facial features, same humor same everything.... but I love him anyway.
I followed him to his house and sat with him. I began having flashbacks immediatley, but was able to control them so to speak. I didnt want to freak him out, nor did I want to explain to him that HE was triggering me. He knows of the abuse (5th step) but I didnt want him to be uncomfortable while sick.

When I finally got home in the middle of the night,I again started having a flashback, but was able to make it go away... my question is this...
should I make them go away or should I feel them thoroughly? I had nightmares all night and I feel it is because I didnt let them process...

sorry if this makes absolutely no sense....
just woke up and its after noon...................................

thanks for letting me rant

[pedagogue]

I gotta run to a meeting, but just wanted to say that if you get them, take that as an opportunity to write (if possible)

-p

[amymarie]

today i dont know if i can make it anymore. today it feels like my insides are being taken apart, my heart re broken. i have written P... is that what i am to do? write to feel this way? tell me what is this for? why is it that i am so close to wanting to never breathe again????? how can it have such impact on me and my life? i am so angry at everyone...EVERYONE.! i dont want my children to walk thru the door..

i dont want anyone to do anything but go away!!!
i feel as tho i am suffocating. it is so hard to breathe... i just want it to stop.
tired of complaining. tired of this 10 days of hell...or a lifetime rather....

[amymarie]

trying to stay grounded - sorry for the explosion. I am doing the only things i know how to do to move past it...

but today i am here alone and dont know what to do or how to make it stop as easily as when Mel is here....

I feel this rage brewing...what to do with it....

[pedagogue]

Step away from the writing. Go put on some music that puts you in a better place. When your kids get home, give them some hugs and lose yourself in their world for a bit. Hopefully Mel will be around in a bit.

-p

[amymarie]

Thanks for helping P...Mel is home and i am actually going to a meeting...

I am still in a daze, but slowly the fog lifts... as do spirits.

Have been rather cold to her (mel) today, so perhaps after this meeting I will know the words to console the pain I have caused...

everyone is so confused as to what they need to do for me... and I am too...
wish the answers were in me somewhere-

[Don W]

One excercise my VA doctor taught me was, " Grounding". It is sort of what you did Amy. When I have a flash back or panic attack he suggest the following. Sit up and plant your feet firmly on the floor, then look around you. This helps me return to a normal breathing cycle. I'll get out of breath from forgetting to breath or short rapid breaths. Take a mental inventory of your surroundings. Count the pictures, the ceiling tiles, the plants in the room. Notice the type of chair, the people. This brings me back to the moment. Then, I was to close my eyes and picture someplace special that I liked, or some smell I enjoyed. I picked The Land at Disneyworld, it is peaceful and one section smells like orange from the fruit trees.
Last night after returning from visiting my mother, I had to take some time to process alot of things from here and seeing her. We had a good visit but, I found it difficult to find a way to encourage someone, 91,blind ,can't walk to fight on. When she broke her hip years ago she, got into the PT and excelled. Yesterday, she wondered if it was worth it. I was so happy, that not drinking, I could put a priority on seeing her. This wasn't always the case. Her nurse mentioned that all she talked about was " Her Donny" was coming to see her. We had a nice talk, I mentioned some things about her to the staff to prompt her to engage in converstation. She Graduated from Simmons College here in Boston in 1935. It was their first graduating class and on her birthday to boot. Right away she talked to the nurses about the college days. The nurse mentioned that families forget to mention small things, to help them engage their patients. Then I felt bad at first forgetting she's blind and mentioning the beautiful trees changing colors. She was upset and reminded me that " I can no longer enjoy that." I thought a moment and asked her if she remembered the fall foiliage. She said yes. I said fine, then I'm going to be your eyes. I proceeded to describe the different shades of the leaves and the entire area out the window. She thanked me and told me some things that I don't remember doing. Sometimes I think the bad completely overshadows so that is all I remember. She reminded me of something that the other kids used to tease me about and be angry. I'm not bragging but, want to show you how we, well me anyway, can completely wipe our good Paradigims/models out with the bad ones. She told me how I always helped her around the house. When we would get someplace all the other kids would run off. I'd stay behind and open her door, help her then run off. After she'd go to bed, I'd seek out and clean the kitchen or whatever for her. I even lost the memory of coming home on a weekend pass or liberty from the Navy. I'd get in around 3am. I can remember now trying to keep the dog quite. She was excited to see me. Anyway, I'd go through and clean the whole kitchen so that when she got up she was surprised. She also told me that how, after my father would beat her, and told us to stay away, I'd sneak out and hold her hand. The point I'm trying to make is by revisiting and learning our perspective can change. I always pictured myself as the bad son that forced my father to have to beat me. Well, today I now know I wasn't, if fact I was a good son. Also the process has changed my view of the present. While sitting next to her bed I had a flashback to my Grandmother, her mother, in the same situation. My father along with saying terrlble things forbade my mother from going to see her and bringing us to see my Grandmother. One time I found out that my mother was sneeking to see her, I asked to go. Anyway, I had a flashback of sitting there and seeing my Grandmother, unable to walk, unable to see and about 90. She never made it out, and died a short time later. All of a sudden I said to my mother without thing. This reminds me of Gramma Stalker and how I last saw her. All of a sudden I saw a look of relief on my mother's face. It was like I gave her permission to express her fears. After we were able to talk with the nurse's. I knew this but, her overall health is OK. We were able to convice her that once her PT goals were met, she'd return home. I called today and she had done extra, and sounded like the mother I know with a little fight in her. I was also depressed and felt helpless with the situation. Heck, I could relate to her wondering, "why bother" I'd feel the same. Then last night it came to me. At least what I believe to be an understanding. You see I never was able to process things. I'd drinkor avoid or both. This situation would have been handled by going to drink and tell all my friends how bad "DON" had it, like I was ill. Anyway, it came to me that I'm looking at this with the eyes of a little boy that couldn't fix what was happening to my mother, grandmother or anyone. I was a child. I understand now that this is nolonger true. When we have flashbacks or revisit these past events there is a big difference. We now control this moment. I am in control now, I'm and adult and can help, protect and encourage my mother. This is where I feel the treatment comes in. This enables us to go back with control, putting things into perspective. Sitting there, if this makes sense, I was transported back to a little boy unable to help. my brother, the one causing the problems, is in fact in real life a carbon copy of my father. He is even doing his best to keep other family members from visiting her. Anyway, in my mind for a short time he took on the role of my father in the play inside my head. Difference is, I now, and there will be a day that you also, can break the victum cycle. Those of you further along than I. Am I correct in refering to it as a " Victum Cycle?" Learning to break it before it goes full cycle was the key for me. Example, picture the following in a circle.
Event-fear-guilt-anger-thinking-helpless-give up/in.I am able today, to not remove all but, limit the duration of some. The event took place visiting my mother. I felt some of those things. I stopped and thought about matters and used the tools I've learned to process. I was able to break that circle by, learning I wasn't powerless, helpless. No, I couldn't change the model that I origanally learned from but, now I could compare itto something correct. I have that power now, the power to process normally.

[amymarie]

My journey today ended on a good note...
Out of this darkness has come a light.

I am better. I have finally broken out of the fog of the week.
I did have another flashback this evening, but I was (with help of my mel) able to come out strong...

I finally smiled. I finally giggled. I finally laid in bed with my SO and watched some unhealthy reality tv and cuddled... I finally broke his hold.

I dont think it is over, so dont think I am trying to fool myself, but I have made an enormous jump from where I have been stuck for days...and in just hours it seems all was completely different...
the real me is coming out...
I have had nothing to drink today...(I was drinking one beer or partial beer per day to ease this pain....) nor do I want one...

Here I am..!!!!!!!
Plus....the Astros won the National League Championship and are going to the freakin world series....OMG WOOHOO!!!!!!

whew....what a week eh?

[shutterbug]

super glad to hear amy.

[tink360]

im definately glad that you are feeling better...as you know im going through some similar issues and i want to thank you for the strength you have given me today...

[amymarie]

You are so welcome Tink...and remember, you have given me the same...

I hope your day continues to get better...

[Don W]

Welcome Tink, I'm very happy to meet you. And Amy, looking at the date shows you made it through another difficult day. The differnce now is I now read you mention difficult moments rather than entire days. One event used to rule my actions and thoughts for the day. Midnight,I'd still be mad at the bus driver at 6am for being rude.
He probably went about his day just fine. Who do I think I punish with those actions?

[amymarie]

Don,

Today wasnt a difficult day because I didnt let it become one...
I chose to stay with the smile that began last night. I chose to hold on to it for dear life...
Today was a day of healing...
Today was a day of only momentarily disecting those thoughts...

Out of the darkness comes light...right?

[pedagogue]

That is great Amy!

I hope you can do the same tomorrow.

-p