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10-21-2005, 07:00 AM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
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Hi Amy - I'm Anne, alcoholic. I read this thread the other day and then clicked away from it because this topic is very difficult for me to talk about. You got me thinking, though, and here I am. I was molested when I was 12 and 13 years old by a family member, then I was raped at 19 by some men at a party. I started talking about these experiences for the first time about 2 1/2 years ago - hadn't ever said the words out loud before that, and it had been over a decade since the rape; obviously longer since the molestation. I did group therapy with several women who had suffered similarly - many of them had far worse things happen to them than I had. That experience helped me to break the silence, and took a little of the power away from what had happened to me. Unfortunately, I had to move away in the midst of that therapy (2 years ago)... and consequently plunged into a deep depression that I only now feel that I am climbing out of. Your post caused me to face again the things that I hadn't finished dealing with and I finally started to address the subject last night with my current therapist. I want to thank you for that. I can thoroughly empathize with how you are feeling. My alcoholism has been my shield from dealing with the hurt and the rage... and it has blocked my ability to truly heal. Now that I'm not drinking, I sometimes feel as though I'm walking on a tightrope without a net, and there is a field of razorblades beneath me. It's very difficult. My therapist told me last night that I have the power of choice now, one that I didn't have as a child, or even perhaps as that 19 year old - I can choose to turn away from this hurt inside of me. I can choose a different path, a healthier one, with practice and with consistent, vigilant work. I know this to be true; I started to climb up out of the fog 2 1/2 years ago. Right now, though... it's so hard. It's as though I have been curled around this pain for so long that I don't know how to let it go. It's difficult to explain. I certainly don't *want* to feel this way... and I have learned that one needs to go through the feelings that have been shoved down inside for so long - and I know that that is true... but it seems impossible some days. I want to heal. I want to have more good days than bad. I want to live and feel freedom and clarity and peace. I know that it will take time, though, and hard work. I think I'm ready to do it. I didn't mean to take away from the power of what *you* have said here... I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand... and to let you know that your words have touched me, and have helped me to move to the next step in my own journey. Thank you for that. I look forward to seeing you heal, too. take care of *you*, anne
__________________  "The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are." --John Burroughs |
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10-21-2005, 07:15 AM
| #29 (permalink) |
| No more hostages  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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(((((Anne))))) First of all, welcome to this thread- Second, I am so sorry you had such horrible things happen to you. I understand your words just as if they were my own. This thread was not started just so I could vent my problems and issues...I want all who need it to join...your words are healing words to me and they are welcome, along with anyone else who needs to add to them. This has always been a difficult subject for me to feel... I, unlike you, could talk about it to no end; I just chose to close off any feeling- until now. So hearing your story is a step forward for me, and I hope for you as well. Thank you for letting me (and everyone else) in... It is early, I have had very little sleep... I will discuss more later. much love your way
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-21-2005, 03:48 PM
| #30 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,463
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Welcome to SR, I'm glad you're finding the strength to face this. I agree with your counselor, except the word "Power" being key. I used to look back with a mind of an adult and ponder things I should have done different. I believe that the longer we remain a victim the longer these people or events hold the power. I was sexually abused when young myself by family members. They and the events dictated my life and behavior for years. I and you were a child when these things happened. Even at 19, because of the past you were unable to stop things. Today, we need to revist to sort things out and change perspectives. Only, this time you can hold the controls. You can take your time and feel the feeling and feel the anger and pain. Only this time only in order to recover. You must attempt to try and view yourself as a survivor of abuse and rape. Shame, embarrassement, guilt all keep us a victim. I even got to the point I considered myself a willing participant because I remained silent. I only discovered a short time ago that my silence was brought on by death threats. I can only say that the key is to not give up. We are here all times of day and night. Sometimes you need to vent. You have taken control of your life and I'm proud of you. Keep reminding yourself that you are a nice person that had terrible things done to. You did nothing wrong. You might be beyond that point so, only use what applies. Anyway, I'm so happy that you are here. I need people like you to help me open up.
__________________ Captain America - On the side of good |
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10-22-2005, 05:08 PM
| #31 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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In the middle of the night I had a FB....and since then I have been FB free...YAY!!! I have concentrated on other things, keeping my mind and body busy enough that the dark clouds just cant catch me...not today anyway. 
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-22-2005, 09:11 PM
| #32 (permalink) |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words |
quercu and amy: how did you make those little pics with your name in your signatures? Quercusalba....what does your name mean...it's Spanish right? Is it the words Querer (to want) and Salbar (to ?) put together in some fashion? 
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional  Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). |
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10-22-2005, 11:35 PM
| #33 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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Shutterbug, A friend here at SR did mine...its adorable isnt it??? I just got it yesterday...
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-23-2005, 12:11 AM
| #35 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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I am doing surprisingly well... I have had a great few days...today was a tad stressful, but only because I have 2 extra boys here...(my sons half brothers are here)...so a house full of 4 stinky boys...whew! I have smiled so much and been feeling so overwhelmed with love and life.... and not in the bad way. thanks for asking... and by adorable I meant "adorably evil" hehe
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-23-2005, 03:42 PM
| #36 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
| panic attacks
I had one today while driving... I was able to use the same techniques I have used for my FB to snap out of it... It passed quickly and I didnt wreck... I feel like I have pushed through the worst, so here's to that. 
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-23-2005, 10:42 PM
| #37 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,463
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Amy, I didn't mention in my PM because I wanted to share with all. Last night I had the first nightmare in about a month. Although they were upsetting, I was able to deal with it. They come often after talking about and revisiting the past. I've developed some tools to help me. They are no longer unexpected so I'm ready. Self talk sort of grounds me to the moment. I used to wallow in the facts and would keep the nightmare alive. I looked around the room and said "only a dream only a dream. A dream can't physically hurt me." Then I tried to think of something pleasent. I thought of some of everyone's encouragement here and my impending trip to Orlando. Sometimes I feel that because I offer very little chance during normal life, sleep is the only chance these demons have to take hold of my mind. Once awake, the quicker I denounce them, the quicker they leave. I have done this with my alcoholism also. I treat the alcoholism and PTSD in the 3rd person. The third person that will do anything to get me back in their control. In fact Amy, looking at your advitar, I can now place a face on them.
__________________ Captain America - On the side of good |
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10-23-2005, 10:49 PM
| #38 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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Don, Sorry if my avitar scares you....or....glad my avitar helps you.....
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-24-2005, 06:43 AM
| #39 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
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Hi guys.... Thank you for your thoughtful words, Don. It's good to be here. Shutterbug - my screen name is the Latin name for white oak. I am a lover of trees, and that's one of my favorites - strong, majestic, beautiful. I got the picture by my signature from a friend as well... it's actually a white oak leaf, which is perfect! And Amy - I love your sig! My weekend... it was pretty rough. I tend to be very, very sensitive about sexuality, thanks to the things that happened to me. I hate pornography and I think our culture puts too strong an emphasis on sex in general, and sexualizes just about everything - it's everywhere you look. I am sure that my attitude is rooted in the things that happened to me, and I am trying to learn how *not* to freak out about it. That being said... when I got home on Friday afternoon, I found a late notice from Blockbuster in the mailbox - a late notice for a movie that is described as being about the "sexcapades" of a woman, and on the cover of the movie is a half naked female. Clearly this is not something I rented... it was something my husband had rented and hidden from me, then forgot to return. It wasn't a porn movie, not really, but the whole focus of the movie was sex, and there was nudity galore in it. Now, I suspect that if I was "normal," I would have just laughed this off... instead, though, I had a minor meltdown. I didn't say anything terrible to my husband, but I did express my unhappiness with what he did - I think the fact that he hid it from me bothers me even more than envisioning my husband watching softcore stuff. At any rate, we have been having problems lately anyway, and he used my upset as an excuse to go into a full-blown rage. It was ugly. So.... that was my weekend. Things are ok between us now, but I have that much less trust in him now, and I feel pretty raw and alone. I feel that I should mention that I am a fit woman and our sex life is quite healthy, so he isn't being deprived in any way. I don't know why I feel I have to say that... but I do. It just sucks that I'm like this, so sensitive about things that others wouldn't even think twice about. I have no conclusion to draw from this... any thoughts you guys might have would be welcome. I hope you're all doing well. --anne
__________________ "The lure of the distant and the difficult is deceptive. The great opportunity is where you are." --John Burroughs |
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10-24-2005, 10:29 AM
| #40 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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(((((Anne))))) I am sorry it was such a hard weekend for you. I do understand - ALL of it... I am going to pm you....
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-24-2005, 07:26 PM
| #41 (permalink) |
| Think Happy Thoughts  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: cHiCaGo iL
Posts: 245
| hey everyone im doing great...i havent had any problems with my panic attacks in awhile and it feels good...ive been keeping very busy with school and putting in over time with work...havent been on the computer much but i wanted to check in and let you guys know i was doing well
__________________ When you change the way you look at things; The things you look at change. |
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10-24-2005, 08:30 PM
| #42 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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(((((Tink)))) Thanks for checking in!!! Today was another pretty good day. It was filled up and that helps to keep me focused.. However, I am feeling a tad clingy and codie....but I will work on that now... I hope everyone is having a good evening...
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-25-2005, 12:00 AM
| #43 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,463
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anne, This is all about progress. Talking about it is the first step. I think understanding has given me the most grouth. Also, understanding allows for a process of processing what I've learned. If, that makes sense. I only have to go the speed at which I can process and understand that moment. By doing this I deal with the past but, remain in today. I can tell you that it can't be rushed and won't be rushed. My mind will only release so much, then shuts down. Sometimes for hours sometimes days and sometimes longer. You see we have to learn and teach our minds what we come to understand. This takes awhlie. Many of us have had the wrong lessons pounded into out heads for years. The good news is I've learned is we don't need the whole lesson to feel good. Our new lives and thoughts are like a flower garden. The garden has flowers that bloom at different seasons making for year round enjoyment.
__________________ Captain America - On the side of good |
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10-27-2005, 06:09 AM
| #44 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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Day 4 or 5 without any...any...FB. We are going on vacation to San Francisco where we will meet up with a friend that we met here on SR.... Pushed through the hardest moments (I hope)...now getting that reward I kept requesting from my HP. I have been a tad tired...kind of like I ran a marathon for a few days and am just now slowing down, but I think it will pass soon...each day isnt as bad as the day before. thanks for being a part of my journey...
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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10-27-2005, 07:41 AM
| #46 (permalink) |
| Community Greeter  Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,928
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When I first joined SR I wrote out most of the things I've gone through, not in any graphic detail. I was a victim then and an infant, thanks to my great therapist I am now an adult survivor.....it gives me so much pleasure and pride to be able to say that. I look forward to you finding peace....love yourself you are worth it. love indigo
__________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté  |
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10-27-2005, 07:43 AM
| #47 (permalink) |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words |
Amymarie....pics look different here on my sis' computer than they do on my one at home. Your signiture pic looked scary on my home computer, but now it just looks like a sweet little green girl....did it change? am i halucinating? or are these 2 computers just that different? Super glad to hear how well things have been going for you! I too had a scary panic attack once while driving in rush-hour traffic on a 5-lane highway. I thought i was gunna crash for sure, but i did some deep breathing exersices and it passed in a couple of minutes. Have you gotten the relaxation CD in the mail yet? I can't remember when i sent it off. Anyway....i'm going back to sleep now....will talk to you laters. Lots of hugs, Jenna
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). |
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10-29-2005, 01:41 AM
| #48 (permalink) |
| fire dancer  Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: no matter where u go there u are...co
Posts: 489
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hello all AMY- so glad you started this thread brave grrrl, was wondering what would happen when it dissapeared DON- thank you, many men will not speak so openly, honestlyy & supportivaly of their own abuse everyone & all we need all the brave, peacefull (angry) warriors we can get in this circle, i believe it's a root of many problems & especially those of addiction.......i've been out for a week or 2 & don't have the energy to read every word right now, but have skimed & i applaude all of us....i too have sexual abuse in my past.......thank you for the thread.........we can help each other heal.....part of why i have been gone is a healing crisis that has in part (or maybe all) to do with this piece of my past.....my body is finally letting go of that pain on a cellular level.........i believe we hold our hurt not only emotinaly but physicaly.......i'm haveing the pain come out right now in very painful boils ( on my butt.thanks!!!) it's one of the last (i hope) pockets of this, tho i know i will face issues again & agian still......but (ha!) i feel that i am finally getting out some of the really deep sH!t that got handed me & trapped in my body,,,,,,does this make sense,,,,,,hope i am clear, still a bit feverish from the infection so ask if anything doesn't make sense anyway......glad there are other brave souls out here, keep on hanging on!.....
__________________ how we spend our days is how we spend our lives  |
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11-02-2005, 09:42 AM
| #49 (permalink) |
| No more hostages Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: houston
Posts: 788
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Everything seems to be running along smoothly- dare I speak too soon.... but...gotta share this happiness inside since all I have been sharing is so dark and gloomy, and halloween is over! The vacation was exactly what I needed...I had one teeny weeny flashback...it was insignificant; it meant nothing to me...just as quickly as it came, it left. There is so much to do now that we are home from San Fran, and it is so nice to have the ability to make a list and follow it- to be up and out of bed early - to have a smile for no reason at all.... todays journey is better than yesterdays journey (well, except for yesterday i was in San Fran) hehe. thanks to everyone for all of your support!
__________________ recovery begins with a willingness to do whatever it takes... and for me that means WHATEVER it takes... |
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