Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 03:03 AM

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 04:00 AM

Okay...so what's going on right now?

Well i nearly put myself into the hospital last week for the 3rd time since this all began. Although, i had been able to pick up my new meds that Thursday and decided that's all a 4 day hospital stay would accomplish was a med change and to keep me from hurting myself. So since i already had new meds in my hands...i decided to stay with my sister and nephews for safety. However the hospital stay is still an option if i get that bad again or worse.

So...I was taken off of Lamictal. My Welbutrin dosage was bumped from 150 mg to 300. I was put on 900 mg Lithium and my doc told me to stop the Cymbalta, but after 4 days the electrical shocks going through my body from withdraw symptoms i was continually getting worse so I went and got my Cymbalta and started on it again. Doctor said take it for a few days and then only every other day....so tomorrow i won't take it and we'll see what happens. Well i know what will happen, but oh well....

Anyway....i hate my doctor, but am stuck with her incompetence right now. My therapist isn't so great either, but she tries.

I am on a mission to get a NAMI support group or two started up in my town, but communication is not flowing very freely between myself and NAMI right now....so i need to e-mail them again.

My finances are a mess....i had been feeling better and had taken back my checkbook and check card from my mom and was doing fine....then i overdrew my account again and i've even lost my checkcard somewhere (but i haven't told her that part yet).

I haven't talked to my dad in about 4 or 5 months and he wants to have a scheduled "chat" before he goes back to Colorado for a while. I'm working on writing him a letter that's been coming for about 5 years or more now.

I only have 5 more weeks left to claim unemployment benefits and then i haven't a clue of what i'm gunna do --- probably just go to work doing some low stress job where i can make enough to pay bills...don't know. If my sister and her husband end up getting the divorce they've been talking about then i will probably move in with my sister and help her with the twins. It's been nice being here this week and getting to spend so much time with them even though i've felt so sick. I even managed to make a meatloaf dinner the other night for everyone. My sister says she likes me being here b/c i help with the boys and b/c she's not all alone all the time. It's been helpful for me not to isolate myself although i've retreated back here to this computer quite a bit, but mostly after everyone else goes to bed.

i spent about 3-4 hours online the other night looking through a bunch of journalism job boards and i came up with about 15 openings that i want to apply for across the country. One in particular that is a freelance writing job for a magazine where i could write 8 stories a month and make the same as i did working full time for the newspaper! (where i would have to write 8 stories a week plus as many or more photo assignments). So if that one pans out i will be REALLY happy since i can do it all on my own time.

Up until now i hadn't been even looking at writing/reporting jobs on the job banks because photojournalism is what i really want to do - that's where my passion obviously lies. But in doing this new search i even found some cool job openings where i would be doing both again. One being a job for Stars and Stripes and working in England! I've been to England once and loved it so this job would be super great for me.

See, but then there's the whole illness issue....that gets me bummed. Say for example that i was to get the England job or even a great photog position at a large U.S. paper? IF i could figure out how to finance a move to what ever place would hire me....THEN what happens when in week 1 or 2...when i wake up feeling like i did today and dont' have the energy to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours at a time? I guess that's why i LOOK at the photojournalism job board, but i don't apply for any of them.....i'm just too sick to make a move right now....and especially too sick to start a new full time job. Which makes me sadder than my words could possibly express.

Since I turned 16 and immedietly started working.....i've NEVER been this long without working. I worked the entire time that i put myself through college even. Yeah....i think i was out of work for about 4 months during my first major dep. And then out for about 3 months after i graduated and moved and was able to get my career job. But this....with the 3 months medical leave i took and being fired in April.....I've only worked 3 months this year! And all the other times before when i wasn't working for a few months...i went stir crazy after month 1 or 2. Right now....i could care less if i ever HAVE to work again....which makes me feel lazy.

My mind has felt very overwhelmed this past couple of weeks....like it's spinning and it's hard to make it stop long enough for me to catch onto a thought. It feels like total caos.

And besides my hair falling out, my skin really badly broken out and my teeth deteriating....i don't know what i have to be so stressed about that would cause all that. Well i dont' know if the stress is having any affect on my teeth, but i think it might some how?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT???
I dont' have kids
i dont' have a husband
My mom and step-father let me live rent free in one of their rent houses
I have money coming in every week to pay my bills (for now anyway)
I have a car
I have my mom, sister and nephews who love me
Mom and my step-dad even mow my lawn for me!

All that and yet i'm more stressed than i think i've ever been before! Doesn't make sense to me.

Something i need to get moving on though is moving forward with getting a job discrimination/harrassement/wrongful termination suit in motion. I have the paper work that i need to file for the EEOC and have done about 1/2 of it...but in answering all those questions it brings back everything my boss put me through and i just can't handle dealing with those emotions and feelings right now.

Something else i need to do is get moving on filing for social security disability. i have a number to a lawyer who does disability cases, but i haven't called b/c i'm assuming that he will want me to round up information like doctors names and numbers and addresses and the same for the hospitals i went to....and i just don't have the energy to do that either.

Then there's all my student loans that are about to go into default again....i don't even want to think about that.

And my oven doesnt' work. And my refridge doestn' work anymore either (well actually the freezer stays cold enough to keep milk fress so i'm using the freezer as a fridge...LOL) and my power steering/air conditioning belt won't stay on my car....now they are thinking it has something to do with ohh...something in the air conditioner. Which fall is here so i don't need air, but the power steerings been out for like 1.5 years and you'd think i'd be use to turning that sucker....but nope....specially when i'me feeling like i am today. I can barely lift my own arm....turning that wheel, well i know yesterday i didn't feel 1/2 this bad and it hurt majorly to turn that wheel.

That's another thing......anyone else have their bodies hurt when they are depressed? I asked another bipolar about this a couple weeks ago and he said he doesn't and that maybe i have fibromialgia? I had just thought that since this only really happens along side my depression that....that's what it was...was the physical symptom of the depression and that people who think they have fibromialgia actually are dealing with depression? I don't know?

I've also got to stop smoking soon b/c of the diagnosis of early stage emphazima....but haven't had any luck yet. Although, with this new higher dose of Welbutrin i've only smoked 4 packs this week (which i would have normally smoked a carton so that's a 60 % decrease in my smoking without even trying...so i'm pretty pleased about that)

Anyway, there were some more things i wanted to say, but it's 5 a.m and i'm extremely tired so i'm making myself get off here now.

Hugs and thanks for listening,
Jenna

KatieRose · 10-15-2005, 09:42 AM

Jenna,

Anytime. Keep your chin up. people do care about you. I know, because i am one of them.
You will always be in my prayers.

KatieRose

bikewench · 10-15-2005, 10:43 AM

Jenna....

It's a labyrinth gurl... but it's solveable...
for myself.. I have to arm myself with knowledge.. It's the key... and baby steps...
had to stop psyching myself out...
start small...
be a success at that... and then build on that....
I had to think of the things that I needed to do to help myself... and then I picked the one I was reasonably certain I could suceed at... and did it...
it started with brushing my teeth...
and then drinking more fluids...or I knew my bulimia was going to finish me...
and then washing my clothes... and cleaning my bathtub...
and it went on from there...
to medical checkups...
taking care of the money thing...
cooking.. (still f'n hate it)

all the while.. I was working on my recovery... trying to stop the acting out...
and reading..

I know for me that I have to keep my life very simple..
keep my stress level way down as well... way down...
it's probably shot me into isolation... but... other than the emotional crap.. I probably feel the best I ever have in recovery.
and I know SR plays a huge part in that...

It'll get better Shutter...
you just keep seeking.. and trying... and do one right thing after another...

Praying for clarity for you... and strength... and courage...

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 06:53 PM

Thanks Kate and Bikewench....i need all the prayers i can get.

BW - i know what you mean about arming yourself with knowledge. i'm an information junkie too....always wanting to learn more about my diseases and how to fix them...but at the same time i get overwhelmed from knowing all this crap and seeing that it doesn't do me any good.

psyching myself out? Been doing that for a year and i'm warn out from trying so hard for so long and with little result. I mean take a few weeks back....the house was a wreck and i had been wanting to clean it up for...well forever....and for several days i psyched myself up to actually get moving and do something about it. Well i started by taking the trash out and by the time i got back in the house i had to stop and lean against the washing machine for a second and couldn't possibly make myself do anything more because i had to go lay down. it pissed me off! Royally! And got me feeling totally hopeless. It took me all that mental energy to get myself moving and then this dam depression and meds has my body so extremely fatigued that i could only force myself to do one thing and felt totally wiped from it! You've GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!

This....the girl who usually worked 60 and 70 hour weeks (even though I only got paid for 40)...and NOW I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP MY LIVING ROOM AND DO SOME LAUNDRY!

So yeah...i'm tired of "staying strong" "psyching myself out"...whatever. I would venture to guess that there's probably only about 5 percent of depressed people who even have a clue about this kind of depression...where every other day you're entire body feels bruised and sore and heavy and weak....to always wake up feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck and then back over again a few hundred times. There's just so much you can tell a quadrapoligic to do and them be able to do it.....same with this except people don't understand it like they do physical paralysis.

i'm not griping at you guys....just griping. i'm tired and cranky today i guess.

BUT ON THE POSSIBLE GOOD SIDE: after i finished writing this thread early this morning, i logged onto my state's OPA journalism Web site/job bank.....and after more than 2 years of keeping an eye on area openings....there, last night, popping up on my screen like a little ray of hope....was an opening for a photojournalist at a paper that i've been watching for several years because they have such a great photography department...the two photogs are great (usually beating me in state contests...lol). Anyway....the girl doing the interviewing is one of the photogs (i'm wondering if the guy photog got a job elsewhere and is leaving). Anyway, i've met her before and a journalist who i have as one of my references use to work at that paper as an editor and knows the photog doing the hiring very well. And this particular journalist and i have talked many times before about how she thinks i would love to work there! And she is my biggest fan/peer supporter of my photography work so....well....it all put together means i will have a pretty decent shot at landing the job.

And it's only about 50 minutes away where i could drive everyday at first if i have to until i can afford to move!

It would all be perfect....Except one thing....i can't even manage to change clothes everyday right now! So even if i got the job i'd prolly get fired pretty quick.

But i'm trying not to think about any of that. If it's God's will for me to get the job, then he will provide the physical and mental energy to do it successfully.

So please everybody pray that this lithium and Wellbutrin combo works to lift my depression and give me back my energy. And pray that the photog likes my portfolio and resume and that i get the job if it's meant to be!

Boy....if those two prayers get answered......I'M GUNNA BE SINGING AND DANCING AND HOLARING AND DOING CARTWHEELS AND WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER KINDS OF CRAZY STUFF!!!!!!!!

Anyway, sis is putting in "Sisterhood of the traveling pants" and she just brought pizza home...so i'm be back on laters.

p.S....Boy am i jumpy! It's been so easy to startle me lately....which i have been this jumpy since i came out of day treatment and went back to work that first time last year in October....Hey???? Maybe it's an October thing with me.....who knows?

Hugs,
Jenna

KatieRose · 10-15-2005, 07:45 PM

Jenna,

I will always be praying for you. Let me know if the movie is any good.

KatieRose

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 10:01 PM

it was pretty good...made us cry.

I don't know why i've having problems with such an over-exaggerated startle response. Earlier my brother-in-law was home from work and walked in the back door which is about 5 feet from me and i bout flew out of the chair. And the other morning i was asleep on the living room couch and my sis bent down to pick up the remote on the floor near my feet and i didn't even remember it but she said i screamed and about fell off the couch. Or any loud noise the twins make when playing or banging around sends me flying too.

I've read that it's caused from the PTSD, but it comes on strong around more stressful times and then goes away and that i don't get?

Oh well....this new med change has me running to the bathroom about 20 + times a day. It's really irritating my IBS and that's makeing me feel sick all the time.

Anyway...nuf bitch'n for today....gunna go dig through some coping threads and see what "positive" kind of things i can find.

Hugs,
J

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 10:33 PM

Borderline Personality Disorder:

Originally posted by Erratic -

here is the traits of BPD its normaly if you have 5 or more out of 9 of these that you are BPD. some BPD have other things wrong like i have AD anxeity disorder , eating disorder, panic attacks and so on. there is a number of helpfull sites out there not sure if im allowed to give out any or not.. but here is one and the people from this site can take it down if they like.. www.bpdworld.com it gives you alot of info and help..

here is the traits or criteria of BPD hope that some of this helps..once im more awake i might be able to tell you abit more..

. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive) and there must be no better explanation for them (for example a physical illness, another mental illness or substance misuse).

----

I'm gunna have to come back to this information later because i know that bipolar, BPD and ADHD are often misdiagnosed because they are so much a like.......but i have strong and obvious bipolar episodes.....although reading this list, well, most of the BPD symptoms fit me too.

Is it possible to be both I wonder?

shutterbug · 10-15-2005, 10:59 PM

Another thread i wanted to attach inside this one:

Famous Bipolars and others -- the creativity connection
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=68847 (Famous bipolars and others - a creative illness?)

shutterbug · 10-16-2005, 08:09 PM

ok....just pecking around the computer tonight and have found this Web site that seems great for depression and bipolar info and such:
http://www.depressionfallout.com/links.php

shutterbug · 10-16-2005, 11:37 PM

shutterbug · 10-17-2005, 12:44 AM

okay....i've FINALLY found something that describes my physical tiredness and heaviness. Aparetly i am not experiencing a major depression, but rather an Atypical depression...

Here's the info for me to keep tabs on:

Atypical Depression Actually Very Typical
From Nancy Schimelpfening,
Your Guide to Depression.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!

Correct Treatment May Depend on Proper Diagnosis
Despite the name, atypical depression is actually the most common subtype, according to Dr. Andrew A. Nierenberg, associate director of the depression clinical and research program at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston. In a 1998 study, he and his associates found that 42% of participants had atypical depression, 12% had melancholic depression, 14% had both depression subtypes, and the rest had neither. "It's more common than we all think. There's no doubt we underrecognize it,"said Dr. Nierenberg.1

Making a correct diagnosis of this subtype is critical in providing the patient with effective treatment. Although SSRIs and other newer medications are often the first line choice for depression treatment due to their favorable side-effect profiles, very little is yet known about how well these work for the patient with atypical depression. What is known is that patients respond well to MAOIs, but not to tricyclics. Data on newer medications is sparse and inconclusive.2 How many patients out there may be suffering through drug trial after drug trial simply because their physician does not know which medication best treats atypical depressions or does not recognize this distinct subtype?

What Is Atypical Depression?

In addition to the core symptoms of depression, atypical depression is defined by the ability to feel better temporarily in response to a positive life event, plus any two of the following criteria: excessive sleep, overeating, a feeling of heaviness in the limbs and a sensitivity to rejection.

Patients with atypical depression tend to have an earlier age of onset than those with other subtypes (it often first appears in the teenage years). These patients are also likely to have a history of social phobia, avoidant personalities and a history of body dysmorphic disorder.3

How to Treat It

Current data suggests that those with atypical depression will respond better to MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) like phenelzine than they will to imipramine (a tricyclic). Dietary restrictions and side-effects remain a problem. At the present time, research is concentrating on finding newer medications with better side-effect profiles to which these patients will also get a good response.4

Although more research is needed, it seems that patients may also obtain an adequate response with the SSRIs, but not all studies seem to back up this assertion. In one study, the SSRI Prozac was found to have a response only equal to imipramine, a tricyclic whose comparative response to phenelzine is well-known.5

Clinical trials are currently being arranged to test the efficacy of a new drug, Gepirone, at Columbia University in New York City. Preliminary studies seemed to indicate that it is effective for those with atypical depression. This drug is not yet FDA approved. If you are interested in these trials, please visit Dr.

Interestingly, however, drug treatment may not be necessary at all. A study conducted in 1999 found that patients receiving cognitive behavioral therapy responded just as well as patients receiving the MAOI phenelzine. 58% of patients in both groups responded, in comparison to only 28% of patients in the placebo group.6

Implications for the Patient

It is important to see a psychiatrist rather than your primary care physician for treatment. Not all depressions are alike nor do they respond to the same medications. A physician in general practice is not likely to have the experience necessary to differentiate between subtypes of depression or to know which treatment choices are more likely to work. A patient may suffer unnecessarily as his doctor tries all the wrong medications. Given the very nature of depression, this only complicates the patient's already depressed feelings. If the patient is forced by insurance or financial circumstances to see a primary care physician for their treatment, they must do the leg work to make up the deficit in their physician's knowledge. This is not as it should be, certainly, but until there is a radical change in our healthcare systems, it is necessary. The educated healthcare consumer who takes an active role in his or her treatment is less likely to slip through the diagnostic cracks.

shutterbug · 10-17-2005, 01:06 AM

okay....well the major depression stuff fits too...so who knows?

shutterbug · 10-18-2005, 04:57 AM

Depression cure for women only (pg 39)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=16519 (Depression cure for women only)

shutterbug · 10-18-2005, 05:16 AM

(Juls posted)
It's stress Maximray. Do you know anything about relaxation. It helps to find a good tape, and at night when you go to bed, play it. After awhile, it starts getting easier to relax.

There's also a homeopathic remedy which helps me alot. It's called Calms Forte, and can be found in most health food stores.

shutterbug · 10-18-2005, 06:07 AM

Mamabear said, "Hypothyroidism can cause depression, joint pain, cold and/or hot flashes, weight problems and more. If you're borderline (or even under now) it's worth treating. I feel well in so many ways when my numbers are midrange. Good luck w/ this and your hormone level.
Isn't it uncanny how complex a woman's body is?"

shutterbug · 10-18-2005, 09:33 PM

Well, as you can tell....i went on a little information scavengar hunt last night looking for information and stuff. I was up till 10:30 this morning and then slept till 6:30 p.m. when i had to get up because i got sick at my stomach.

Still not feeling well physically and my nerves are shot from the twins being sick all week and crying and then my sis and brother-in-law have been screaming "divorce" at each other for the past couple days.

So i'm going to take a nap and then i'm going home to my own peace and quiet. I dread going home to my living space, but at least i can be alone and not be bothered. Cus i really need to sleep for a few days.

pedagogue · 10-18-2005, 10:04 PM

Not to be too personal, but are you cyling right now? You went from a very manic-like activity (gathering posts all night, etc) to expressing depressive symptoms (wanting to be alone, wanting to sleep, wanting to escape)

-p

shutterbug · 10-19-2005, 01:06 AM

Peda, nothing's ever to personal for me.....i'm an open book. Yep, looks like i'm cycling. I cycle all the time, but only get a good cycle about once a month around my girly time.

I wanted to take a nap earlier, but i was so stressed out from being put into the middle of the "family" fight that i just decided to pack up and jet. My sis was getting tired of me being there anyway i think because even though i went and fetched for her 98 percent of the time that she needed or asked me to....mostly i just laid around and stayed on the computer and got in the way. And today she said, "you're getting expensive"....talking about groceries. I had went to the store once and replaced some of the things i had helped consume, but....anyway....this new med switch to lithium has me eating up a storm. So I felt some rejection and felt burdensome...etc. And the way my bro-in-law talks so hatefully and loud 99 percent of the time....it triggers my PTSD and I think that's another reason why I jetted so fast. Because he was being stupid and meaner than normal and if i would have stuck around another day i would have ended up telling him off big time.

So anyway....the depression and drama and feeling like I'd over-stayed my welcome....sent me running home to isolation.

I figured i would come home and fall right into slumber, but I have actually gotten some energy to do some cleaning.....so apparently I've cycled up again for the moment, although my eyes feel tired. Well and in hanging laundry, my body is so fatiqued that it hurt my arms to hang up things....but i forced myself to do it, because it's one of the rare times that I CAN force myself.

I think i was a little hypomanic the other night too when I went searching out information on other sites to post in SR.

Well, i'm gunna get off my butt for a little while longer while I still can. Thanks for caring enough to ask if i was cycling.

Hugs,
Jenna

KatieRose · 10-19-2005, 06:59 AM

Jenna,

check your email when you get a chance. No rush.

KatieRose

shutterbug · 10-20-2005, 03:51 AM

well....here's a typical journal entry....bad day...blah, blah, blah.

I'm about to whine so if you don't want to hear don't read.

Woke up, went back to sleep...was woke up by my mom, went back to sleep...woke up, needed to go to the library to fax an urgent notice about my student loans defaulting, went back to sleep.

finally got up around 10 p.m. and had to take my check book back to my mom so she can pay my bills before utilities get cut off, then got something to eat and came home. Was tired (am tired) around 1 a.m., so i laid down, listened to my relaxation cd, put on my cpap machine and laid here for an hour. Had to get up because my teeth were hurting so bad they were giving me a migraine.

Phone rang off the hook today (mostly bill collecters i assume)...but it was nice to be in my own home again and not have to answer the phone...just let it ring and ring and ring until the person got tired of ringing me.

That's my day! Whoohoo...fun, fun...huh?

Oh yeah, when i woke up at 10 p.m. I had been dreaming about my alcoholic ex-bf and in trying to push thoughts of him out of my head, i started thinking about my alcoholic ex-best friend who stopped talking to me 10 months ago and never gave me a reason. I e-mailed him about a month or two ago appologizing for whatever it is i must have done...but he never wrote back. I miss him dearly. But i know i'm better off without him in my life now since he's started drinking again (he wasn't drinking when we were friends). but that doesn't keep me from missing him so much. He was like a brother to me....one of those rare male/female friendships were it's truely platonic.

Anyway, and then the day before yesterday I was in a pissy mood and e-mailed Jason (the phone guy) and basically told him off and told him i don't need friends like him anyway.

anyway....earlier tonight I ended up doing an Internet search on "depression AND fatigue AND pain"....and just got a bunch of results on chronic fatigue and fibromialgia. Aparently both have symptoms of depression that go along with them...and I think it was the chronic fatigue in which I read about limbs feeling weighted. I had tried to explain that to my p-doc months ago and his response was that i needed to loose weight. (actually I told him it felt like i was walking around wearing a coat made out of cement) It pissed me off that he said that because i don't think docs have a right to comment on my weight unless i bring up the issue and i was talking about how i felt...not my body type. Anyway, I still respect this doctor because i know he is a very, very highly qualified and educated psychiatrist --one who REALLY cares about trying to get his patients healthy (unlike my current one who you can tell hates being at work and having to even talk to patients)

so anyway...back to the point....my aunt on my father's side had fibromialgia and the symptoms of that one fit me a lot more...even accounts for my digestion problems (IBS) as being a symptom. And my aunt on my mother's side has Grave's disease (which only around 5 in 10,000 women ever have - very rare), and her mom died of the same thing at about 40.

So....i thought i was figuring everything out and it was just a matter of getting through this major depressive episode and then finding the right meds to keep me straight. Now it appears that i could be totally wrong alltogether since FM and CFS both have mood swings as symptoms.

the other thing is that I read that FM is usually brought on and aggrivated by stress. Well what I call my first maj. depression was preceded by being left by the first love of my life and then shortly after having another strange relationship ending...in which the guy told me that, after things had gotten serious, that being around me made him sick at his stomach. He wasn't saying it to be mean....that's not his nature....he was literally so stressed about where things had gone that he was literally getting sick at his stomach to come around me after that. Nonetheless....it was something that hurt me so much that his words still stick with me. Right after that was when i started waking up feeling like i had been run over, and developed a sinus infection that was unresponsive to meds and lasted about 6-8 months.

Well what i'm calling this second maj. dep. was preceeded by the loss of a man who i considered my second true love of my life. This time i was actually trying to get away from him, but i was so obsessed by him that when he was going back to his "other" girlfriend, it was the rejection that i couldn't handle (well....and so dramatically yearning to be near him...was tearing me apart too).

So anyway, the digestive problems started with the first major. I had also never had a headache before then. Never had a weight issue before then...so...

So....i guess as soon as i can find a way, i've got to make my way back to a physician for some more testing on my thyroids and other blood work and ask the doctor to check out these "pressure points" on my body to be able to tell if i have fibromialgia.

I hate the thought of being diagnosed with that though. I really do. The word resinates so much crap in my mind....like lazy, not a real illness, worthless, scapegoat, made-up-illness, weak, pathetic,....all kinds of crap.

I mean, i don't really know why i think that way about FM. I've only had really 2 introductions to it....the first was on Oprah about 5-6 years ago....and then my grandma saying that was "one" of my aunt's diseases. Of course, my aunt sheila was the p-drug addict...so I discounted any and all "diseases" or "illnesses" she had because she was a hypocondriac and played everything up to get more drugs. About the time of my first majorD...I went to the local doc who was prescribing phen-phen because my family was raving about how wonderful it was for weight loss. And while I was there I heard a woman crying profusly in the next room. I was pretty sure it was my aunt sheila but wasn't sure until it was my turn in the docs office and he sat down and started talking into his recorder about his last patient...who I then found out was my aunt. Her "crying" routine was one she used frequently to get certian drugs from docs. She was a VERY good actress. She also had been taught years earlier by a chiropractor that she was able to make herself pass out by turning her head a certain way....which i remember her doing about 20 times in my childhood. And a couple of times she just faked it all together (my mom and sis caught her peeking/opening her eyes to see if anyone was around and then she quickly shut them and continued to pretend to be unconscieous). Anyway, there's a whole list of "illnesses/diseases" that she had that my grandma will gladly fill me in on if I ask her because she thinks all of them were real. I'm sure some of them were, but i don't think all of them were.

So i just figured she heard about FM and decided it would be a good way to explain away the fact that she never worked, never cleaned the house and didn't take care of her daughters -- oh and wouldn't even go to the grocery store for herself (she made her elderly parents do everything for her)

So I guess that's why i look down on FM so much....because it's another one of these kinds of "invisible" diseases just like depression, but why i don't look down on depression that way too I don't know.

See guys....my mind swirls with all this crap and right now there's so much swirling going on that i feel completely overwhelmed by life. I'm sitting here thinking...what if i've wasted a year of my life trying to figure out this damn depression/bipolar shyte....and all of that is only a symptom of something else instead of the main problem? I've had my head so stuck up this computer and books and counseling and group therapy.....and yet i feel crazier than ever because i can't even seem to make sense out of my own thoughts. I'm mad....super mad....that things are this hard. Mad that only when i'm sitting here in SR or researching stuff online do i even feel a tiny bit at ease. I sit here and tell myself i'm wasting too much time by coming on here several times a day and that i should be focusing on things like my bills, student loans, discrimination lawsuit, applying for social security, hunting for jobs, cleaning my house, cleaning out my car, bathing myself AND my dog.....ect., ect., ect.....my list goes on for miles.

but then i just don't feel like doing any of that....i make myself eventually do things, but can only make myself in bits and peices. Just like last night....i got all the already washed laundry put up (which hurt to do so), and washed a load, but have yet to put that load in the dryer....actually I had to re-wash them earlier because the had already mildewed.

and i'm mad b/c i'm sitting here craving something...something that i obviously don't have in the house or else i wouldn't be craving it any more....and at 10 p.m. I had a full dinner from KFC, along with 3 of those little apple things, then just about 30 min. ago I had 2 (not just the usual one, but 2!) pudding cups!

Which the doc said the lithium would make me eat more....and one of the FM sypmtoms is cravings and another is weight gain...so i guess i'm just gunna have to accept that i've prolly got FM and get myself to start researching that....Great! I'm so tired of trying to figure out my illnesses. Hell...i just figured out the other day what my ADHD diagnosis meant! Now.....dumptada....here's another one! ACK!!!

I'm just really aggrivated at the whole world right now.

Oh...and my mom made me a dentists appointment for Monday...where it won't cost me anything. The catch?!?...they only pull teeth. Well....i know that's prolly gunna be the only option, but i'm not ready to give up my only teeth without trying other things first. I mean if it was one tooth....ok...fine, but i've got like 5 majorly damaged teeth here and I'm not ready to be running around toothless at 29 and not husband yet...ha!

And i still think there's something else going on there because it shouldn't be normal for a person to have perfectly healthy teeth and then BOOM...a mental problem happens and in that same year all my teeth start going bad...is it?....I mean I only had 1....JUST 1....cavity in 28 years!

Oh...i'm just so stressed....i've got to find a way to handle all this stress some how. I told my sister the other day that i felt stupid because "what do i have to be stressed about?"..."I have no job stress, no marriage stress, not even any boyfriend stress, no kid stress.....nothing!" Well....bless her heart cus she actually made me feel better. She said, "Not having all those things can cause just as much stress if not more." I don't know if that's true or not, but at least i have some kind of reasoning that i can possibly put feeling this way on.

Oh...and then I e-mailed a former reporter who's well-known and respected in many circles to ask if i could use her as a reference for the great job opening i'm trying to get myself together to apply for. She said "of course"....because she's my biggest advisary for my photography work. So then in my e-mail back to her I kinda told her about my fears of getting the job and then this illness keeping me from doing it well and then I said if it's God's will for me to get the job then I have faith he will give me the energy and the means to do the job right.

She wrote back saying couldn't i get on disability because if it was her she wouldn't want to risk loosing a 2nd job in this field. Kinda put a damper on things for me. Because she's right. My family all live here and there's only about 4 or 5 good photojournalist positions in the state and two of those are a 2 hour drive away. So if i get this job and get fired or have to quit or whatever....that only leaves the paper she is at and then one major paper (where someone has to literally die or retire before any photographer can have a shot at getting hired on). So really, if i blow this job, then I've only got one option unless i want to move 2 hours away from my family or out of state all together. Or else I'll have to go to work as a reporter....which i can always do if i have to....just don't want to.

anyway....that's what would be great about getting this job is that i wouldn't have to write any stories...i could JUST work on photos. Which wouldn't be like work at all except to make myself get up and out of the house. It's like my sis said, "Isn't it the reporting stuff that was so stressful for you." Yeah, it was....so I'm hoping i can get a job just as a photog. And the other cool thing would be that I would get to work with 2 other full-time photogs! I just can't even begin to express how exciting that would be for me. I got a little bit of that in college, but not at my last paper....so i can't even imagine how much my technical and creative skills would start growing leaps and bounds by being able to devote all my time to it and have more seasoned photogs to learn from. And not only do they cover college sports (which i've been craving SO much), but occastionally the also cover NBA basketball games....whoohooo....would that be FUN! (p.s. anyone reading this...if you ever hear me say I hate sports...i do...unless through the eye of my camera and then there's not much better than that...unless it's golf or track and then i still hate those, specially golf cus i can't drive those little carts...LOL...and you have to wait for people to play through the hole before you can continue along the cart path...and i've tried walking it in the summer and there's no sense in that really....even if it was a tournament with Tiger Woods or someone special...i still wouldn't enjoy it).

Okay...i'm jabbering about nonsense now....but hey, what else do i have to do at 4 a.m.?

Well...i guess i can go hunt through the kitchen for something to curb these cravings somehow...oh...maybe some soup perhaps? OH Wait!!! The donut shops are open now!! Biscuits and gravy!

Got to go now...LOL,
Hugs,
Jenna

p.s. at least i'm in a better mood now...lol

KatieRose · 10-20-2005, 12:08 PM

Jenna,

My uncle treats fibromyalgia, so i may be able to find you some info on that.
Let me know what the docter says.

KatieRose

shutterbug · 10-20-2005, 11:57 PM

Well, with the help of my mom calling to wake me, I was able to get to the library today to print my resume and cover letter and then go to Wal-mart and pick up mailing envelopes. But i forgot completely about faxing the student loan form that was suppose to be done 3 days ago...oh well....

Felt really bad earlier, was actually getting dizzy and flushed at the library...that went on for about 2 hours and now i'm feeling pretty okay i guess.

Well....guess that's all i have to say for now. Wish i could learn to be positive most of the time like others around here....i'm tired of hearing my own self whine.

shutterbug · 10-23-2005, 01:11 AM

some good, some bad....but nothing really bad.

I've actually been very productive the last few days despite lacking mental focus. The house looks better than i can remember it being in a long time....so i'm super happy about that. I've been feeling some motivation creeping back in, but it feels foreign now, but enjoyable all in the same.

My body is still limiting my physical activity, but there are spurts when i have been able to do things....although i think that's quickly vanishing. I had a load of laundry left in the dryer and wanted to put it up....so i went and got a basket then emptied the contents of the dryer into the basket and it was labor intensive again. I got tired just doing that so I reluctantly gave up on putting the last load of laundry away. I'm even laying down now as I type this (keyboard on stomach)....pretty sorry. I hate feeling this pathetic, but i don't feel like going to sleep, and yet my body doesn't want to be in any position except horizontal.

Anyway....been doing lots of job searching and have come across some very interesting openings like Europe Stars and Stripes, a paper in Hawii that pays it's reporters twice what i was making at my last paper! (so even though reporting is stressful for me, i think it would be very much worth it for the pay and the local. Then there's a cool freelancing job i applied for that will fly the reporters/photogs they hire to different locations depending on what's happening....so that job would definitely be FUN! Oh, and i'm even applying for photo editing positions....little chance of getting one, but there's some really cool openings in NY. But ultimately, i'm hoping I get a local job i applied for a couple days ago....i will know by the 15th.

And i'm still thinking about my own writing projects. My town has a book festival every two years and authors from around the state attend and offer their knowledge on book publishing and self-publishing and such. I covered the event for the paper before, but this year i'm gunna go as a participant at the end of this month so i'm excited about that.....just have to be able to make myself be up and awake during the day time for the two-day event.

Yeah....my days and nights have totally switched again. I got up around 7 p.m. today (um...yesterday) so i'm gunna try to push myself around the day cycle and fix this crap. I'm kinda thinking that i will be able to go to sleep sometime soon instead of after day break...so that would put me getting up in the afternoon sometime. I still hate the fact that I sleep so many hours everyday. In college and the first 2 years of my career....i loathed sleep. I fought against it tooth and nail and often didn't sleep. Well, now i know i was mostly manic during those times....but boy did i sure get lots of stuff done.

that's another thing i don't understand....all the research about biparlar disorder says peeps don't really end up getting anything accomplished with manic, but i always do. I think it's one of two explanations: 1. I'm also obsessive compulsive so it's hard for me to walk away from something until i come to a good stopping point...which is usually completion of the project (unless it's one of those several hours and several days kind of projects and then it's like pulling teeth to get me to finish)....or 2. maybe what i think are manias...arn't manias?

That's pretty much where my thinking is stuck at right now....am i really bipolar after all? I mean...yea....that test i took said i prolly was, and the docs say so and i DEFINETLY have mood and energy swings every day.....but the more i learn about mental illnesses, the more i discover how many things can mimic the bipolar symptoms. I feel lost in all of that thought. Kind of like...it feels like this person that i've been getting to know for the first time this past year is an impostor. I mean, what happens if I’m NOT bipolar? I’ve come to identify myself in that way…that’s who I am…ying and yang, up and down, right to left, happy/sad….

Anytime I see a ying-yang…I think of my bipolar disorder…and how good and evil work in relation to each other….so too must happy and sad. I have even been trying to figure out a unique ying-yang design that I like and could get as a tatoo. It sounds strange, but I’ve come to really like my diagnosis….not the symptoms (but I can’t do anything about those)…the diagnosis and how it describes me and my life and makes sense of it all and gives me a word to explain it all in…and I like reading about creative bipolars who have been successful because I know I’m creative and I feel I’m destined to be successful…and knowing that some people that I’ve heard about all my life struggled with this crap too….well, just makes it all easier to take somehow. I guess, kinda like, "If they did it while living with this crap then so can i."

I loose all those connections, all that sense of belonging to this special club that nobody ever asks to be in where you can only truly understand if you’ve been there yourself….I loose me somehow.

Blah, blah….

Anyway, I just feel like I’m at a stand-still and not able to go in any direction right now until I get some blood work and physical tests done and know more about all this. I feel stuck

Oh…and there’s still other mental illnesses out there that I’ve never even heard of…and that disheartens me. I mean, yeah, sure, I did the diagnostic testing and such…..but it didn’t even tell me that I had ADHD, but yet after it being mentioned to me by two different health care professionals and me looking up the symptoms…well, I can check off like 85-90 percent of those symptoms. Plus it’s the first thing that’s EVER explained my chronic lateness even thought I HATE being late because it stresses me out.

Anyway….i’ve got to find a different word to use than "anyway"

Here’s a list of mental diagnosis’s that I’ve never even heard of until taking a national survey:

Narcissistic personality disorder
Schizotypal personality disorder
Paranoid personality disorder
Histrionic personality disorder
Avoidant personality disorder
Dependent personality disorder
Intermittent explosive disorder

oh and I’m sure there are many more since ODD isn’t on there….neither was ADHD listed.

Next topic:

Craving stuff again…actually craving MCD’s french fries, but I don’t feel like getting up, let-alone out. And I’ve felt dizzy today, sick over-all from my meds. This is the worst that meds have ever noticeably affected me.

Oh, and I keep feeling this strong desire to really get involved in NAMI. I’ve got to write up my story and send it in and then get a little pushier about talking to someone who can help me get meetings started locally. I think that would help me the most, because that’s what seemed to help in day treatment that cost $250 a day or something like that – group therapy, I really need that.

Well that’s about it, I think. Oh….i’m back on my CPAP machine again so that should start helping in a couple of weeks. It sucks waking up with it on though…I hate the feeling cus the air pressure is so strong and it’s usually accumulated water in the mask.

Think I’m gunna go fix me some soup.

Peace out

shutterbug · 10-25-2005, 10:07 AM

well guys....my computer is goneja. So i'm at the library and only have a few minutes b/c i have some work to finish in the next 32 minutes.

Anyway...thank everyone of you who read this...and bless you if you get anything out of what I write or post because that's what makes me happy is helping others whenever possible.

That said...i sure wish i knew how to help myself. My brain is working about as well as my home computer is right now....it won't boot up...lol! I spent about 12 hours straight going through ever posssible folder and deleting non-essential items from the past 6 months to try and erraticate a hidden bug/crouching virus...lol. Anyway, somehow i deleted something i shouldn't have. So oh well. Thing is though....that i've noticed that i enjoy doing "mind-numbing" things for hours on end. Like when i was working and didn't feel like writing a story...i would go around asking people if they had press releases and things that needed to be typed (no thinking required sort of things). I guess maybe it's that whole escaping thing....just like watching t.v. - keeps your mind busy, but doesn't make it work very much...ya know.

Anyway...i just thought that was sort of odd since the rest of the time i'm going nuts unless i've got something to do that mentally stimulating.

Oh well...got to get to work now. I will check in as I can.

Hugs to everyone,
Jenna

10-15-2005, 03:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2) Hi guys, As many of you know I am in year two of this major depressive episode and like i did last year i want to continue to keep a journal as i strive toward recovery. Year 1 thread is called "Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and i'm scared!" and can be accessed through this link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=36767 (Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and I'm scared!) A few other threads i want to keep tabs on for later referencing: I'm cycling too rapidly and need it to stop!!! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=37622 (I'M cycling too rapidly and need it to stop!!!!!!!) Disability Laws and the Workplace http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=41766 (Disability laws & the workplace) Reasonable accomodations for a bipolar in the work place http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69277 (The work place...info about reasonable accomadations and other stuff) 36 Ways to reduce stress http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69176 (36 ways to reduce stress...) LOTS of information for friends and family of the bipolar http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=69079 Alcohol causes anxiety disorders http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=67820 (alcohol causes anxiety disorders) Smoking and mental illness http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=67120 (Smoking) Cutting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=64454 (cutting...) Question about social security or SSI http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=63328 The Cruise Crusade http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=62973 My lonely and crying spells - April 2004 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=55565 (Lonely and crying spells) My book list http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=44544 (Book List....) __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-15-2005, 04:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	year 2: Okay...so what's going on right now? Well i nearly put myself into the hospital last week for the 3rd time since this all began. Although, i had been able to pick up my new meds that Thursday and decided that's all a 4 day hospital stay would accomplish was a med change and to keep me from hurting myself. So since i already had new meds in my hands...i decided to stay with my sister and nephews for safety. However the hospital stay is still an option if i get that bad again or worse. So...I was taken off of Lamictal. My Welbutrin dosage was bumped from 150 mg to 300. I was put on 900 mg Lithium and my doc told me to stop the Cymbalta, but after 4 days the electrical shocks going through my body from withdraw symptoms i was continually getting worse so I went and got my Cymbalta and started on it again. Doctor said take it for a few days and then only every other day....so tomorrow i won't take it and we'll see what happens. Well i know what will happen, but oh well.... Anyway....i hate my doctor, but am stuck with her incompetence right now. My therapist isn't so great either, but she tries. I am on a mission to get a NAMI support group or two started up in my town, but communication is not flowing very freely between myself and NAMI right now....so i need to e-mail them again. My finances are a mess....i had been feeling better and had taken back my checkbook and check card from my mom and was doing fine....then i overdrew my account again and i've even lost my checkcard somewhere (but i haven't told her that part yet). I haven't talked to my dad in about 4 or 5 months and he wants to have a scheduled "chat" before he goes back to Colorado for a while. I'm working on writing him a letter that's been coming for about 5 years or more now. I only have 5 more weeks left to claim unemployment benefits and then i haven't a clue of what i'm gunna do --- probably just go to work doing some low stress job where i can make enough to pay bills...don't know. If my sister and her husband end up getting the divorce they've been talking about then i will probably move in with my sister and help her with the twins. It's been nice being here this week and getting to spend so much time with them even though i've felt so sick. I even managed to make a meatloaf dinner the other night for everyone. My sister says she likes me being here b/c i help with the boys and b/c she's not all alone all the time. It's been helpful for me not to isolate myself although i've retreated back here to this computer quite a bit, but mostly after everyone else goes to bed. i spent about 3-4 hours online the other night looking through a bunch of journalism job boards and i came up with about 15 openings that i want to apply for across the country. One in particular that is a freelance writing job for a magazine where i could write 8 stories a month and make the same as i did working full time for the newspaper! (where i would have to write 8 stories a week plus as many or more photo assignments). So if that one pans out i will be REALLY happy since i can do it all on my own time. Up until now i hadn't been even looking at writing/reporting jobs on the job banks because photojournalism is what i really want to do - that's where my passion obviously lies. But in doing this new search i even found some cool job openings where i would be doing both again. One being a job for Stars and Stripes and working in England! I've been to England once and loved it so this job would be super great for me. See, but then there's the whole illness issue....that gets me bummed. Say for example that i was to get the England job or even a great photog position at a large U.S. paper? IF i could figure out how to finance a move to what ever place would hire me....THEN what happens when in week 1 or 2...when i wake up feeling like i did today and dont' have the energy to get out of bed for more than a couple of hours at a time? I guess that's why i LOOK at the photojournalism job board, but i don't apply for any of them.....i'm just too sick to make a move right now....and especially too sick to start a new full time job. Which makes me sadder than my words could possibly express. Since I turned 16 and immedietly started working.....i've NEVER been this long without working. I worked the entire time that i put myself through college even. Yeah....i think i was out of work for about 4 months during my first major dep. And then out for about 3 months after i graduated and moved and was able to get my career job. But this....with the 3 months medical leave i took and being fired in April.....I've only worked 3 months this year! And all the other times before when i wasn't working for a few months...i went stir crazy after month 1 or 2. Right now....i could care less if i ever HAVE to work again....which makes me feel lazy. My mind has felt very overwhelmed this past couple of weeks....like it's spinning and it's hard to make it stop long enough for me to catch onto a thought. It feels like total caos. And besides my hair falling out, my skin really badly broken out and my teeth deteriating....i don't know what i have to be so stressed about that would cause all that. Well i dont' know if the stress is having any affect on my teeth, but i think it might some how? WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT??? I dont' have kids i dont' have a husband My mom and step-father let me live rent free in one of their rent houses I have money coming in every week to pay my bills (for now anyway) I have a car I have my mom, sister and nephews who love me Mom and my step-dad even mow my lawn for me! All that and yet i'm more stressed than i think i've ever been before! Doesn't make sense to me. Something i need to get moving on though is moving forward with getting a job discrimination/harrassement/wrongful termination suit in motion. I have the paper work that i need to file for the EEOC and have done about 1/2 of it...but in answering all those questions it brings back everything my boss put me through and i just can't handle dealing with those emotions and feelings right now. Something else i need to do is get moving on filing for social security disability. i have a number to a lawyer who does disability cases, but i haven't called b/c i'm assuming that he will want me to round up information like doctors names and numbers and addresses and the same for the hospitals i went to....and i just don't have the energy to do that either. Then there's all my student loans that are about to go into default again....i don't even want to think about that. And my oven doesnt' work. And my refridge doestn' work anymore either (well actually the freezer stays cold enough to keep milk fress so i'm using the freezer as a fridge...LOL) and my power steering/air conditioning belt won't stay on my car....now they are thinking it has something to do with ohh...something in the air conditioner. Which fall is here so i don't need air, but the power steerings been out for like 1.5 years and you'd think i'd be use to turning that sucker....but nope....specially when i'me feeling like i am today. I can barely lift my own arm....turning that wheel, well i know yesterday i didn't feel 1/2 this bad and it hurt majorly to turn that wheel. That's another thing......anyone else have their bodies hurt when they are depressed? I asked another bipolar about this a couple weeks ago and he said he doesn't and that maybe i have fibromialgia? I had just thought that since this only really happens along side my depression that....that's what it was...was the physical symptom of the depression and that people who think they have fibromialgia actually are dealing with depression? I don't know? I've also got to stop smoking soon b/c of the diagnosis of early stage emphazima....but haven't had any luck yet. Although, with this new higher dose of Welbutrin i've only smoked 4 packs this week (which i would have normally smoked a carton so that's a 60 % decrease in my smoking without even trying...so i'm pretty pleased about that) Anyway, there were some more things i wanted to say, but it's 5 a.m and i'm extremely tired so i'm making myself get off here now. Hugs and thanks for listening, Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-15-2005, 06:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Thanks Kate and Bikewench....i need all the prayers i can get. BW - i know what you mean about arming yourself with knowledge. i'm an information junkie too....always wanting to learn more about my diseases and how to fix them...but at the same time i get overwhelmed from knowing all this crap and seeing that it doesn't do me any good. psyching myself out? Been doing that for a year and i'm warn out from trying so hard for so long and with little result. I mean take a few weeks back....the house was a wreck and i had been wanting to clean it up for...well forever....and for several days i psyched myself up to actually get moving and do something about it. Well i started by taking the trash out and by the time i got back in the house i had to stop and lean against the washing machine for a second and couldn't possibly make myself do anything more because i had to go lay down. it pissed me off! Royally! And got me feeling totally hopeless. It took me all that mental energy to get myself moving and then this dam depression and meds has my body so extremely fatigued that i could only force myself to do one thing and felt totally wiped from it! You've GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! This....the girl who usually worked 60 and 70 hour weeks (even though I only got paid for 40)...and NOW I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP MY LIVING ROOM AND DO SOME LAUNDRY! So yeah...i'm tired of "staying strong" "psyching myself out"...whatever. I would venture to guess that there's probably only about 5 percent of depressed people who even have a clue about this kind of depression...where every other day you're entire body feels bruised and sore and heavy and weak....to always wake up feeling like you've been run over by a semi truck and then back over again a few hundred times. There's just so much you can tell a quadrapoligic to do and them be able to do it.....same with this except people don't understand it like they do physical paralysis. i'm not griping at you guys....just griping. i'm tired and cranky today i guess. BUT ON THE POSSIBLE GOOD SIDE: after i finished writing this thread early this morning, i logged onto my state's OPA journalism Web site/job bank.....and after more than 2 years of keeping an eye on area openings....there, last night, popping up on my screen like a little ray of hope....was an opening for a photojournalist at a paper that i've been watching for several years because they have such a great photography department...the two photogs are great (usually beating me in state contests...lol). Anyway....the girl doing the interviewing is one of the photogs (i'm wondering if the guy photog got a job elsewhere and is leaving). Anyway, i've met her before and a journalist who i have as one of my references use to work at that paper as an editor and knows the photog doing the hiring very well. And this particular journalist and i have talked many times before about how she thinks i would love to work there! And she is my biggest fan/peer supporter of my photography work so....well....it all put together means i will have a pretty decent shot at landing the job. And it's only about 50 minutes away where i could drive everyday at first if i have to until i can afford to move! It would all be perfect....Except one thing....i can't even manage to change clothes everyday right now! So even if i got the job i'd prolly get fired pretty quick. But i'm trying not to think about any of that. If it's God's will for me to get the job, then he will provide the physical and mental energy to do it successfully. So please everybody pray that this lithium and Wellbutrin combo works to lift my depression and give me back my energy. And pray that the photog likes my portfolio and resume and that i get the job if it's meant to be! Boy....if those two prayers get answered......I'M GUNNA BE SINGING AND DANCING AND HOLARING AND DOING CARTWHEELS AND WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER KINDS OF CRAZY STUFF!!!!!!!! Anyway, sis is putting in "Sisterhood of the traveling pants" and she just brought pizza home...so i'm be back on laters. p.S....Boy am i jumpy! It's been so easy to startle me lately....which i have been this jumpy since i came out of day treatment and went back to work that first time last year in October....Hey???? Maybe it's an October thing with me.....who knows? Hugs, Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-15-2005, 10:01 PM	#7 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	it was pretty good...made us cry. I don't know why i've having problems with such an over-exaggerated startle response. Earlier my brother-in-law was home from work and walked in the back door which is about 5 feet from me and i bout flew out of the chair. And the other morning i was asleep on the living room couch and my sis bent down to pick up the remote on the floor near my feet and i didn't even remember it but she said i screamed and about fell off the couch. Or any loud noise the twins make when playing or banging around sends me flying too. I've read that it's caused from the PTSD, but it comes on strong around more stressful times and then goes away and that i don't get? Oh well....this new med change has me running to the bathroom about 20 + times a day. It's really irritating my IBS and that's makeing me feel sick all the time. Anyway...nuf bitch'n for today....gunna go dig through some coping threads and see what "positive" kind of things i can find. Hugs, J __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-15-2005, 10:33 PM	#8 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Borderline Personality Disorder: Originally posted by Erratic - here is the traits of BPD its normaly if you have 5 or more out of 9 of these that you are BPD. some BPD have other things wrong like i have AD anxeity disorder , eating disorder, panic attacks and so on. there is a number of helpfull sites out there not sure if im allowed to give out any or not.. but here is one and the people from this site can take it down if they like.. www.bpdworld.com it gives you alot of info and help.. here is the traits or criteria of BPD hope that some of this helps..once im more awake i might be able to tell you abit more.. . Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) 5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness 8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms Anyone with six or more of the above traits and symptoms may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the traits must be long-standing (pervasive) and there must be no better explanation for them (for example a physical illness, another mental illness or substance misuse). ---- I'm gunna have to come back to this information later because i know that bipolar, BPD and ADHD are often misdiagnosed because they are so much a like.......but i have strong and obvious bipolar episodes.....although reading this list, well, most of the BPD symptoms fit me too. Is it possible to be both I wonder? __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-15-2005, 09:42 AM	#3 (permalink)
KatieRose Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Indiana Posts: 168	Jenna, Anytime. Keep your chin up. people do care about you. I know, because i am one of them. You will always be in my prayers. KatieRose

10-15-2005, 10:43 AM	#4 (permalink)
bikewench Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: western canada Posts: 1,440	Jenna.... It's a labyrinth gurl... but it's solveable... for myself.. I have to arm myself with knowledge.. It's the key... and baby steps... had to stop psyching myself out... start small... be a success at that... and then build on that.... I had to think of the things that I needed to do to help myself... and then I picked the one I was reasonably certain I could suceed at... and did it... it started with brushing my teeth... and then drinking more fluids...or I knew my bulimia was going to finish me... and then washing my clothes... and cleaning my bathtub... and it went on from there... to medical checkups... taking care of the money thing... cooking.. (still f'n hate it) all the while.. I was working on my recovery... trying to stop the acting out... and reading.. I know for me that I have to keep my life very simple.. keep my stress level way down as well... way down... it's probably shot me into isolation... but... other than the emotional crap.. I probably feel the best I ever have in recovery. and I know SR plays a huge part in that... It'll get better Shutter... you just keep seeking.. and trying... and do one right thing after another... Praying for clarity for you... and strength... and courage...

10-15-2005, 07:45 PM	#6 (permalink)
KatieRose Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Indiana Posts: 168	Jenna, I will always be praying for you. Let me know if the movie is any good. KatieRose

10-15-2005, 10:59 PM	#9 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Another thread i wanted to attach inside this one: Famous Bipolars and others -- the creativity connection http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=68847 (Famous bipolars and others - a creative illness?) __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-16-2005, 08:09 PM	#10 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	ok....just pecking around the computer tonight and have found this Web site that seems great for depression and bipolar info and such: http://www.depressionfallout.com/links.php __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-16-2005, 11:37 PM	#11 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	A bunch more threads i want to keep handy too: About Shame http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...659#post683659 All about depression http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74165 the winter blues http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74164 (The Winter Blues & Seasonal Affective Disorder) are u highly sensitive? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74163 (Are you highly sensitive?) Self love and self-esteem http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74154 (Self LOVE and self-esteem) Feeling like you belong http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74153 (Feeling like you belong) Boundaries? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74152 (Boundaries?) Finding our Enchanted self - fairy tales can come true http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74151 (Finding our Enchanted Self - Fairy tales can come true) Poetry as Therapy http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=74147 (Poetry as therapy) __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-17-2005, 12:44 AM	#12 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	okay....i've FINALLY found something that describes my physical tiredness and heaviness. Aparetly i am not experiencing a major depression, but rather an Atypical depression... Here's the info for me to keep tabs on: Atypical Depression Actually Very Typical From Nancy Schimelpfening, Your Guide to Depression. FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now! Correct Treatment May Depend on Proper Diagnosis Despite the name, atypical depression is actually the most common subtype, according to Dr. Andrew A. Nierenberg, associate director of the depression clinical and research program at Massachusetts General Hospital, Boston. In a 1998 study, he and his associates found that 42% of participants had atypical depression, 12% had melancholic depression, 14% had both depression subtypes, and the rest had neither. "It's more common than we all think. There's no doubt we underrecognize it,"said Dr. Nierenberg.1 Making a correct diagnosis of this subtype is critical in providing the patient with effective treatment. Although SSRIs and other newer medications are often the first line choice for depression treatment due to their favorable side-effect profiles, very little is yet known about how well these work for the patient with atypical depression. What is known is that patients respond well to MAOIs, but not to tricyclics. Data on newer medications is sparse and inconclusive.2 How many patients out there may be suffering through drug trial after drug trial simply because their physician does not know which medication best treats atypical depressions or does not recognize this distinct subtype? What Is Atypical Depression? In addition to the core symptoms of depression, atypical depression is defined by the ability to feel better temporarily in response to a positive life event, plus any two of the following criteria: excessive sleep, overeating, a feeling of heaviness in the limbs and a sensitivity to rejection. Patients with atypical depression tend to have an earlier age of onset than those with other subtypes (it often first appears in the teenage years). These patients are also likely to have a history of social phobia, avoidant personalities and a history of body dysmorphic disorder.3 How to Treat It Current data suggests that those with atypical depression will respond better to MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) like phenelzine than they will to imipramine (a tricyclic). Dietary restrictions and side-effects remain a problem. At the present time, research is concentrating on finding newer medications with better side-effect profiles to which these patients will also get a good response.4 Although more research is needed, it seems that patients may also obtain an adequate response with the SSRIs, but not all studies seem to back up this assertion. In one study, the SSRI Prozac was found to have a response only equal to imipramine, a tricyclic whose comparative response to phenelzine is well-known.5 Clinical trials are currently being arranged to test the efficacy of a new drug, Gepirone, at Columbia University in New York City. Preliminary studies seemed to indicate that it is effective for those with atypical depression. This drug is not yet FDA approved. If you are interested in these trials, please visit Dr. Interestingly, however, drug treatment may not be necessary at all. A study conducted in 1999 found that patients receiving cognitive behavioral therapy responded just as well as patients receiving the MAOI phenelzine. 58% of patients in both groups responded, in comparison to only 28% of patients in the placebo group.6 Implications for the Patient It is important to see a psychiatrist rather than your primary care physician for treatment. Not all depressions are alike nor do they respond to the same medications. A physician in general practice is not likely to have the experience necessary to differentiate between subtypes of depression or to know which treatment choices are more likely to work. A patient may suffer unnecessarily as his doctor tries all the wrong medications. Given the very nature of depression, this only complicates the patient's already depressed feelings. If the patient is forced by insurance or financial circumstances to see a primary care physician for their treatment, they must do the leg work to make up the deficit in their physician's knowledge. This is not as it should be, certainly, but until there is a radical change in our healthcare systems, it is necessary. The educated healthcare consumer who takes an active role in his or her treatment is less likely to slip through the diagnostic cracks. __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-17-2005, 01:06 AM	#13 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	okay....well the major depression stuff fits too...so who knows? __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-18-2005, 04:57 AM	#14 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Depression cure for women only (pg 39) http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=16519 (Depression cure for women only) __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-18-2005, 05:16 AM	#15 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	(Juls posted) It's stress Maximray. Do you know anything about relaxation. It helps to find a good tape, and at night when you go to bed, play it. After awhile, it starts getting easier to relax. There's also a homeopathic remedy which helps me alot. It's called Calms Forte, and can be found in most health food stores. __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-18-2005, 06:07 AM	#16 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Mamabear said, "Hypothyroidism can cause depression, joint pain, cold and/or hot flashes, weight problems and more. If you're borderline (or even under now) it's worth treating. I feel well in so many ways when my numbers are midrange. Good luck w/ this and your hormone level. Isn't it uncanny how complex a woman's body is?" __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-18-2005, 09:33 PM	#17 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Well, as you can tell....i went on a little information scavengar hunt last night looking for information and stuff. I was up till 10:30 this morning and then slept till 6:30 p.m. when i had to get up because i got sick at my stomach. Still not feeling well physically and my nerves are shot from the twins being sick all week and crying and then my sis and brother-in-law have been screaming "divorce" at each other for the past couple days. So i'm going to take a nap and then i'm going home to my own peace and quiet. I dread going home to my living space, but at least i can be alone and not be bothered. Cus i really need to sleep for a few days. __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-18-2005, 10:04 PM	#18 (permalink)
pedagogue Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Anytown, USA Posts: 1,036	Not to be too personal, but are you cyling right now? You went from a very manic-like activity (gathering posts all night, etc) to expressing depressive symptoms (wanting to be alone, wanting to sleep, wanting to escape) -p __________________ "If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." - Frank A. Clark

10-19-2005, 01:06 AM	#19 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Peda, nothing's ever to personal for me.....i'm an open book. Yep, looks like i'm cycling. I cycle all the time, but only get a good cycle about once a month around my girly time. I wanted to take a nap earlier, but i was so stressed out from being put into the middle of the "family" fight that i just decided to pack up and jet. My sis was getting tired of me being there anyway i think because even though i went and fetched for her 98 percent of the time that she needed or asked me to....mostly i just laid around and stayed on the computer and got in the way. And today she said, "you're getting expensive"....talking about groceries. I had went to the store once and replaced some of the things i had helped consume, but....anyway....this new med switch to lithium has me eating up a storm. So I felt some rejection and felt burdensome...etc. And the way my bro-in-law talks so hatefully and loud 99 percent of the time....it triggers my PTSD and I think that's another reason why I jetted so fast. Because he was being stupid and meaner than normal and if i would have stuck around another day i would have ended up telling him off big time. So anyway....the depression and drama and feeling like I'd over-stayed my welcome....sent me running home to isolation. I figured i would come home and fall right into slumber, but I have actually gotten some energy to do some cleaning.....so apparently I've cycled up again for the moment, although my eyes feel tired. Well and in hanging laundry, my body is so fatiqued that it hurt my arms to hang up things....but i forced myself to do it, because it's one of the rare times that I CAN force myself. I think i was a little hypomanic the other night too when I went searching out information on other sites to post in SR. Well, i'm gunna get off my butt for a little while longer while I still can. Thanks for caring enough to ask if i was cycling. Hugs, Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-19-2005, 06:59 AM	#20 (permalink)
KatieRose Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Indiana Posts: 168	Jenna, check your email when you get a chance. No rush. KatieRose

10-20-2005, 03:51 AM	#21 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	well....here's a typical journal entry....bad day...blah, blah, blah. I'm about to whine so if you don't want to hear don't read. Woke up, went back to sleep...was woke up by my mom, went back to sleep...woke up, needed to go to the library to fax an urgent notice about my student loans defaulting, went back to sleep. finally got up around 10 p.m. and had to take my check book back to my mom so she can pay my bills before utilities get cut off, then got something to eat and came home. Was tired (am tired) around 1 a.m., so i laid down, listened to my relaxation cd, put on my cpap machine and laid here for an hour. Had to get up because my teeth were hurting so bad they were giving me a migraine. Phone rang off the hook today (mostly bill collecters i assume)...but it was nice to be in my own home again and not have to answer the phone...just let it ring and ring and ring until the person got tired of ringing me. That's my day! Whoohoo...fun, fun...huh? Oh yeah, when i woke up at 10 p.m. I had been dreaming about my alcoholic ex-bf and in trying to push thoughts of him out of my head, i started thinking about my alcoholic ex-best friend who stopped talking to me 10 months ago and never gave me a reason. I e-mailed him about a month or two ago appologizing for whatever it is i must have done...but he never wrote back. I miss him dearly. But i know i'm better off without him in my life now since he's started drinking again (he wasn't drinking when we were friends). but that doesn't keep me from missing him so much. He was like a brother to me....one of those rare male/female friendships were it's truely platonic. Anyway, and then the day before yesterday I was in a pissy mood and e-mailed Jason (the phone guy) and basically told him off and told him i don't need friends like him anyway. anyway....earlier tonight I ended up doing an Internet search on "depression AND fatigue AND pain"....and just got a bunch of results on chronic fatigue and fibromialgia. Aparently both have symptoms of depression that go along with them...and I think it was the chronic fatigue in which I read about limbs feeling weighted. I had tried to explain that to my p-doc months ago and his response was that i needed to loose weight. (actually I told him it felt like i was walking around wearing a coat made out of cement) It pissed me off that he said that because i don't think docs have a right to comment on my weight unless i bring up the issue and i was talking about how i felt...not my body type. Anyway, I still respect this doctor because i know he is a very, very highly qualified and educated psychiatrist --one who REALLY cares about trying to get his patients healthy (unlike my current one who you can tell hates being at work and having to even talk to patients) so anyway...back to the point....my aunt on my father's side had fibromialgia and the symptoms of that one fit me a lot more...even accounts for my digestion problems (IBS) as being a symptom. And my aunt on my mother's side has Grave's disease (which only around 5 in 10,000 women ever have - very rare), and her mom died of the same thing at about 40. So....i thought i was figuring everything out and it was just a matter of getting through this major depressive episode and then finding the right meds to keep me straight. Now it appears that i could be totally wrong alltogether since FM and CFS both have mood swings as symptoms. the other thing is that I read that FM is usually brought on and aggrivated by stress. Well what I call my first maj. depression was preceded by being left by the first love of my life and then shortly after having another strange relationship ending...in which the guy told me that, after things had gotten serious, that being around me made him sick at his stomach. He wasn't saying it to be mean....that's not his nature....he was literally so stressed about where things had gone that he was literally getting sick at his stomach to come around me after that. Nonetheless....it was something that hurt me so much that his words still stick with me. Right after that was when i started waking up feeling like i had been run over, and developed a sinus infection that was unresponsive to meds and lasted about 6-8 months. Well what i'm calling this second maj. dep. was preceeded by the loss of a man who i considered my second true love of my life. This time i was actually trying to get away from him, but i was so obsessed by him that when he was going back to his "other" girlfriend, it was the rejection that i couldn't handle (well....and so dramatically yearning to be near him...was tearing me apart too). So anyway, the digestive problems started with the first major. I had also never had a headache before then. Never had a weight issue before then...so... So....i guess as soon as i can find a way, i've got to make my way back to a physician for some more testing on my thyroids and other blood work and ask the doctor to check out these "pressure points" on my body to be able to tell if i have fibromialgia. I hate the thought of being diagnosed with that though. I really do. The word resinates so much crap in my mind....like lazy, not a real illness, worthless, scapegoat, made-up-illness, weak, pathetic,....all kinds of crap. I mean, i don't really know why i think that way about FM. I've only had really 2 introductions to it....the first was on Oprah about 5-6 years ago....and then my grandma saying that was "one" of my aunt's diseases. Of course, my aunt sheila was the p-drug addict...so I discounted any and all "diseases" or "illnesses" she had because she was a hypocondriac and played everything up to get more drugs. About the time of my first majorD...I went to the local doc who was prescribing phen-phen because my family was raving about how wonderful it was for weight loss. And while I was there I heard a woman crying profusly in the next room. I was pretty sure it was my aunt sheila but wasn't sure until it was my turn in the docs office and he sat down and started talking into his recorder about his last patient...who I then found out was my aunt. Her "crying" routine was one she used frequently to get certian drugs from docs. She was a VERY good actress. She also had been taught years earlier by a chiropractor that she was able to make herself pass out by turning her head a certain way....which i remember her doing about 20 times in my childhood. And a couple of times she just faked it all together (my mom and sis caught her peeking/opening her eyes to see if anyone was around and then she quickly shut them and continued to pretend to be unconscieous). Anyway, there's a whole list of "illnesses/diseases" that she had that my grandma will gladly fill me in on if I ask her because she thinks all of them were real. I'm sure some of them were, but i don't think all of them were. So i just figured she heard about FM and decided it would be a good way to explain away the fact that she never worked, never cleaned the house and didn't take care of her daughters -- oh and wouldn't even go to the grocery store for herself (she made her elderly parents do everything for her) So I guess that's why i look down on FM so much....because it's another one of these kinds of "invisible" diseases just like depression, but why i don't look down on depression that way too I don't know. See guys....my mind swirls with all this crap and right now there's so much swirling going on that i feel completely overwhelmed by life. I'm sitting here thinking...what if i've wasted a year of my life trying to figure out this damn depression/bipolar shyte....and all of that is only a symptom of something else instead of the main problem? I've had my head so stuck up this computer and books and counseling and group therapy.....and yet i feel crazier than ever because i can't even seem to make sense out of my own thoughts. I'm mad....super mad....that things are this hard. Mad that only when i'm sitting here in SR or researching stuff online do i even feel a tiny bit at ease. I sit here and tell myself i'm wasting too much time by coming on here several times a day and that i should be focusing on things like my bills, student loans, discrimination lawsuit, applying for social security, hunting for jobs, cleaning my house, cleaning out my car, bathing myself AND my dog.....ect., ect., ect.....my list goes on for miles. but then i just don't feel like doing any of that....i make myself eventually do things, but can only make myself in bits and peices. Just like last night....i got all the already washed laundry put up (which hurt to do so), and washed a load, but have yet to put that load in the dryer....actually I had to re-wash them earlier because the had already mildewed. and i'm mad b/c i'm sitting here craving something...something that i obviously don't have in the house or else i wouldn't be craving it any more....and at 10 p.m. I had a full dinner from KFC, along with 3 of those little apple things, then just about 30 min. ago I had 2 (not just the usual one, but 2!) pudding cups! Which the doc said the lithium would make me eat more....and one of the FM sypmtoms is cravings and another is weight gain...so i guess i'm just gunna have to accept that i've prolly got FM and get myself to start researching that....Great! I'm so tired of trying to figure out my illnesses. Hell...i just figured out the other day what my ADHD diagnosis meant! Now.....dumptada....here's another one! ACK!!! I'm just really aggrivated at the whole world right now. Oh...and my mom made me a dentists appointment for Monday...where it won't cost me anything. The catch?!?...they only pull teeth. Well....i know that's prolly gunna be the only option, but i'm not ready to give up my only teeth without trying other things first. I mean if it was one tooth....ok...fine, but i've got like 5 majorly damaged teeth here and I'm not ready to be running around toothless at 29 and not husband yet...ha! And i still think there's something else going on there because it shouldn't be normal for a person to have perfectly healthy teeth and then BOOM...a mental problem happens and in that same year all my teeth start going bad...is it?....I mean I only had 1....JUST 1....cavity in 28 years! Oh...i'm just so stressed....i've got to find a way to handle all this stress some how. I told my sister the other day that i felt stupid because "what do i have to be stressed about?"..."I have no job stress, no marriage stress, not even any boyfriend stress, no kid stress.....nothing!" Well....bless her heart cus she actually made me feel better. She said, "Not having all those things can cause just as much stress if not more." I don't know if that's true or not, but at least i have some kind of reasoning that i can possibly put feeling this way on. Oh...and then I e-mailed a former reporter who's well-known and respected in many circles to ask if i could use her as a reference for the great job opening i'm trying to get myself together to apply for. She said "of course"....because she's my biggest advisary for my photography work. So then in my e-mail back to her I kinda told her about my fears of getting the job and then this illness keeping me from doing it well and then I said if it's God's will for me to get the job then I have faith he will give me the energy and the means to do the job right. She wrote back saying couldn't i get on disability because if it was her she wouldn't want to risk loosing a 2nd job in this field. Kinda put a damper on things for me. Because she's right. My family all live here and there's only about 4 or 5 good photojournalist positions in the state and two of those are a 2 hour drive away. So if i get this job and get fired or have to quit or whatever....that only leaves the paper she is at and then one major paper (where someone has to literally die or retire before any photographer can have a shot at getting hired on). So really, if i blow this job, then I've only got one option unless i want to move 2 hours away from my family or out of state all together. Or else I'll have to go to work as a reporter....which i can always do if i have to....just don't want to. anyway....that's what would be great about getting this job is that i wouldn't have to write any stories...i could JUST work on photos. Which wouldn't be like work at all except to make myself get up and out of the house. It's like my sis said, "Isn't it the reporting stuff that was so stressful for you." Yeah, it was....so I'm hoping i can get a job just as a photog. And the other cool thing would be that I would get to work with 2 other full-time photogs! I just can't even begin to express how exciting that would be for me. I got a little bit of that in college, but not at my last paper....so i can't even imagine how much my technical and creative skills would start growing leaps and bounds by being able to devote all my time to it and have more seasoned photogs to learn from. And not only do they cover college sports (which i've been craving SO much), but occastionally the also cover NBA basketball games....whoohooo....would that be FUN! (p.s. anyone reading this...if you ever hear me say I hate sports...i do...unless through the eye of my camera and then there's not much better than that...unless it's golf or track and then i still hate those, specially golf cus i can't drive those little carts...LOL...and you have to wait for people to play through the hole before you can continue along the cart path...and i've tried walking it in the summer and there's no sense in that really....even if it was a tournament with Tiger Woods or someone special...i still wouldn't enjoy it). Okay...i'm jabbering about nonsense now....but hey, what else do i have to do at 4 a.m.? Well...i guess i can go hunt through the kitchen for something to curb these cravings somehow...oh...maybe some soup perhaps? OH Wait!!! The donut shops are open now!! Biscuits and gravy! Got to go now...LOL, Hugs, Jenna p.s. at least i'm in a better mood now...lol __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-20-2005, 12:08 PM	#22 (permalink)
KatieRose Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Indiana Posts: 168	Jenna, My uncle treats fibromyalgia, so i may be able to find you some info on that. Let me know what the docter says. KatieRose

10-20-2005, 11:57 PM	#23 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	Well, with the help of my mom calling to wake me, I was able to get to the library today to print my resume and cover letter and then go to Wal-mart and pick up mailing envelopes. But i forgot completely about faxing the student loan form that was suppose to be done 3 days ago...oh well.... Felt really bad earlier, was actually getting dizzy and flushed at the library...that went on for about 2 hours and now i'm feeling pretty okay i guess. Well....guess that's all i have to say for now. Wish i could learn to be positive most of the time like others around here....i'm tired of hearing my own self whine. __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-23-2005, 01:11 AM	#24 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	some good, some bad....but nothing really bad. I've actually been very productive the last few days despite lacking mental focus. The house looks better than i can remember it being in a long time....so i'm super happy about that. I've been feeling some motivation creeping back in, but it feels foreign now, but enjoyable all in the same. My body is still limiting my physical activity, but there are spurts when i have been able to do things....although i think that's quickly vanishing. I had a load of laundry left in the dryer and wanted to put it up....so i went and got a basket then emptied the contents of the dryer into the basket and it was labor intensive again. I got tired just doing that so I reluctantly gave up on putting the last load of laundry away. I'm even laying down now as I type this (keyboard on stomach)....pretty sorry. I hate feeling this pathetic, but i don't feel like going to sleep, and yet my body doesn't want to be in any position except horizontal. Anyway....been doing lots of job searching and have come across some very interesting openings like Europe Stars and Stripes, a paper in Hawii that pays it's reporters twice what i was making at my last paper! (so even though reporting is stressful for me, i think it would be very much worth it for the pay and the local. Then there's a cool freelancing job i applied for that will fly the reporters/photogs they hire to different locations depending on what's happening....so that job would definitely be FUN! Oh, and i'm even applying for photo editing positions....little chance of getting one, but there's some really cool openings in NY. But ultimately, i'm hoping I get a local job i applied for a couple days ago....i will know by the 15th. And i'm still thinking about my own writing projects. My town has a book festival every two years and authors from around the state attend and offer their knowledge on book publishing and self-publishing and such. I covered the event for the paper before, but this year i'm gunna go as a participant at the end of this month so i'm excited about that.....just have to be able to make myself be up and awake during the day time for the two-day event. Yeah....my days and nights have totally switched again. I got up around 7 p.m. today (um...yesterday) so i'm gunna try to push myself around the day cycle and fix this crap. I'm kinda thinking that i will be able to go to sleep sometime soon instead of after day break...so that would put me getting up in the afternoon sometime. I still hate the fact that I sleep so many hours everyday. In college and the first 2 years of my career....i loathed sleep. I fought against it tooth and nail and often didn't sleep. Well, now i know i was mostly manic during those times....but boy did i sure get lots of stuff done. that's another thing i don't understand....all the research about biparlar disorder says peeps don't really end up getting anything accomplished with manic, but i always do. I think it's one of two explanations: 1. I'm also obsessive compulsive so it's hard for me to walk away from something until i come to a good stopping point...which is usually completion of the project (unless it's one of those several hours and several days kind of projects and then it's like pulling teeth to get me to finish)....or 2. maybe what i think are manias...arn't manias? That's pretty much where my thinking is stuck at right now....am i really bipolar after all? I mean...yea....that test i took said i prolly was, and the docs say so and i DEFINETLY have mood and energy swings every day.....but the more i learn about mental illnesses, the more i discover how many things can mimic the bipolar symptoms. I feel lost in all of that thought. Kind of like...it feels like this person that i've been getting to know for the first time this past year is an impostor. I mean, what happens if I’m NOT bipolar? I’ve come to identify myself in that way…that’s who I am…ying and yang, up and down, right to left, happy/sad…. Anytime I see a ying-yang…I think of my bipolar disorder…and how good and evil work in relation to each other….so too must happy and sad. I have even been trying to figure out a unique ying-yang design that I like and could get as a tatoo. It sounds strange, but I’ve come to really like my diagnosis….not the symptoms (but I can’t do anything about those)…the diagnosis and how it describes me and my life and makes sense of it all and gives me a word to explain it all in…and I like reading about creative bipolars who have been successful because I know I’m creative and I feel I’m destined to be successful…and knowing that some people that I’ve heard about all my life struggled with this crap too….well, just makes it all easier to take somehow. I guess, kinda like, "If they did it while living with this crap then so can i." I loose all those connections, all that sense of belonging to this special club that nobody ever asks to be in where you can only truly understand if you’ve been there yourself….I loose me somehow. Blah, blah…. Anyway, I just feel like I’m at a stand-still and not able to go in any direction right now until I get some blood work and physical tests done and know more about all this. I feel stuck Oh…and there’s still other mental illnesses out there that I’ve never even heard of…and that disheartens me. I mean, yeah, sure, I did the diagnostic testing and such…..but it didn’t even tell me that I had ADHD, but yet after it being mentioned to me by two different health care professionals and me looking up the symptoms…well, I can check off like 85-90 percent of those symptoms. Plus it’s the first thing that’s EVER explained my chronic lateness even thought I HATE being late because it stresses me out. Anyway….i’ve got to find a different word to use than "anyway" Here’s a list of mental diagnosis’s that I’ve never even heard of until taking a national survey: Narcissistic personality disorder Schizotypal personality disorder Paranoid personality disorder Histrionic personality disorder Avoidant personality disorder Dependent personality disorder Intermittent explosive disorder oh and I’m sure there are many more since ODD isn’t on there….neither was ADHD listed. Next topic: Craving stuff again…actually craving MCD’s french fries, but I don’t feel like getting up, let-alone out. And I’ve felt dizzy today, sick over-all from my meds. This is the worst that meds have ever noticeably affected me. Oh, and I keep feeling this strong desire to really get involved in NAMI. I’ve got to write up my story and send it in and then get a little pushier about talking to someone who can help me get meetings started locally. I think that would help me the most, because that’s what seemed to help in day treatment that cost $250 a day or something like that – group therapy, I really need that. Well that’s about it, I think. Oh….i’m back on my CPAP machine again so that should start helping in a couple of weeks. It sucks waking up with it on though…I hate the feeling cus the air pressure is so strong and it’s usually accumulated water in the mask. Think I’m gunna go fix me some soup. Peace out __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

10-25-2005, 10:07 AM	#25 (permalink)
shutterbug A picture's worth a 1000 words Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder Posts: 2,957	well guys....my computer is goneja. So i'm at the library and only have a few minutes b/c i have some work to finish in the next 32 minutes. Anyway...thank everyone of you who read this...and bless you if you get anything out of what I write or post because that's what makes me happy is helping others whenever possible. That said...i sure wish i knew how to help myself. My brain is working about as well as my home computer is right now....it won't boot up...lol! I spent about 12 hours straight going through ever posssible folder and deleting non-essential items from the past 6 months to try and erraticate a hidden bug/crouching virus...lol. Anyway, somehow i deleted something i shouldn't have. So oh well. Thing is though....that i've noticed that i enjoy doing "mind-numbing" things for hours on end. Like when i was working and didn't feel like writing a story...i would go around asking people if they had press releases and things that needed to be typed (no thinking required sort of things). I guess maybe it's that whole escaping thing....just like watching t.v. - keeps your mind busy, but doesn't make it work very much...ya know. Anyway...i just thought that was sort of odd since the rest of the time i'm going nuts unless i've got something to do that mentally stimulating. Oh well...got to get to work now. I will check in as I can. Hugs to everyone, Jenna __________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264).

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode