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10-02-2005, 06:51 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,463
| Feeling out of touch
The last few days I've been forcing myself to talk and be with people. This hasn't happened for awhile. I just want to completely isolate. My new medication is Traxodone and Citalopram for the month. It helps my depression but, seems to zap all desire to do things. Sometimes I try to always be strong for other people. Even here, I've brushed aside my own fears and issues to be strong for others. As a moderator, I was forgetting to take care of me. I trapped myself giving all this great advice but, not following it. This is where the isolation comes from. The real issue is I want to escape. For years I escaped to the bottle. Although almost 3 years, under stress I view it as an easy and quick escape. Plus, I've been angry because the medication is making me a little lathargic. Only being a month it should get better. I think I'm really angry not being able to overcome it. I always get back to this control problem. I know we can't control things but, not being able to bothers me still. Even not being able to control side affects from medication. Although I've made progress, I still view this as a weakness at times. The same was true of my drinking, I tried for years to try and control it. This was a weakness just like not being able to move on from things. I tried for years to bury the sexual and physical abuse. I think what hurts most is not being able to talk with family about it. I've tried and event though they suffered the same, they choose to still bury it. All this comes back when I bury my feelings and fears. I've learned that to continue would be deadly. Thanks for listening. Don W
__________________ Captain America - On the side of good |
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10-03-2005, 03:08 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| A picture's worth a 1000 words |
Don...I think you know me well enough from my threads to know how much I understand what you are feeling right now and when you said: "Plus, I've been angry because the medication is making me a little lathargic. Only being a month it should get better. I think I'm really angry not being able to overcome it." YEAH...totally how I feel. I'm sick of it...but scared of what happens without the meds. It's a vicious thing. Have you ever thought about ECT? Do you have a support group or therapist you see regularly? Has me worried about you because of the drinking thing. I know I desipise addictive scripts...but when things get bad like they have for me the last few days....it's hard to not go running to the doc for them...so in that regard (and only that regard) can I relate to struggling with the thoughts of drinking. The need to escape the pain and crap we deal with is, I think, one of the harder things we have to deal with...which is of course why 85 % of bipolars abuse substances in attempts to self-medicate. I'm desperately trying not to become one of those statistics...but as I get older and the longer I'm having to deal with this major depression crap...the harder it is for me not to go running to anything to escape it for a little while. Traxodone? is that similar to Trazadone (or are they one in the same and I just don't know how to spell it?) I don't know a thing about the other drug? And I can understand where some of your thoughts are about having your own struggles to deal with and still remain a good moderator to us all. First of all....we are all human...and you are no different...so don't ever feel bad for tending to your own needs here...k. Take care of yourself first b/c if you don't then you will eventually not be able to help us at all if you let things spiral out of control. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you should be worrying about. I've often thought it would be fun to be a moderator some day...especially in the co-dependency forums...but I don't know that I would ever have the confidence to do that and I know that I would feel the same pulls in 2 different directions that you are feeling now. I just can't be responsible for anything that I don't HAVE to right now. But as for you....don't worry about not being perfect...and ESPECIALLY don't worry about responding to my VERY long and jabbery posts...You know I understand others and know how hard things are on others...and you're no differnt....I know that if you aren't able to respond to me when you're feeling down especially...that it doesn't mean you don't care, but rather your doing the right thing in taking care of yourself...and it couldn't make me any happier than to know that you are and every one else here is taking care of yourself. I know I b*tch about no body caring about me and such...but I know you guys do and I know you guys understand me much better than anybodies else can...and that means that the same is true for me and the way I feel about you guys. No matter how much I might b*tch...just know that nothing is more important to me in that regard than to knowing that you and everybody else is/are dealing with their own demons and getting the help/love/support you all need. So give yourself a break and don't worry about pushing so hard to respond to everyone...especially me. If you feel you need to disappear for a while...that's totally better than fine by me because it means you're doing whatever it is that you need to be doing....nuf said!?! Anyway...hang in there...I really think there is something to the whole seasonal thing and believe that once October is over that we ALL will start feeling much better (my hopes at least)...I'm just keeping my eye on that prize (Nov. 1)...and will keep on truck'n on. Lots of HUGS, Jenna
__________________ I'M FINE!! Fanatically Insecure Neuratic & Emotional  Bipolar/Depression support: 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). |
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10-03-2005, 08:02 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
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Hey Don.... yeah... it's a lonely road eh... I also have been trying to face my package of a life... look at it dispassionately... see where I am thinking and acting in ways that are perpetuating the disease of my childhood... with it's many tentacled reach... no.. it wasn't enough to just stop using... I have to be able to see myself in the dynamics of my life... see what is working and what isn't... I have to keep stepping back... by myself... to see how big my onion is... I know today as well that the majority of my angst comes from my self.. that knows I will probably put my own welfare last... so.. that creates anxiety for me... and anger... when other people don't' respond to my obvious sacrifices... I think we instictually know when we're done... when those onions are ready to fry... stay open to truth.. |
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10-03-2005, 07:09 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,463
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I'm at work and very busy. They must have a special on surgery today. I read your responses before work and they helped pick me up. Thanks, I can always depend on you guys. I don't have much time so I'll talk specifics later at home. As in many cases I've traced some of my problems back to myself. I still have to understand that "being better" isn't the same as "being all better". I may spend the rest of my life being better but, must accept not being all better the rest of my life. Do you guys also have problems with that? Maybe working in the medical field so long has me comparing to many surgeries and injuries. They heal and the person moves on. With us, although a tuff pill to swallow(no pun intended) it's a life of adjusting and controlling the issues. Hey, could be worse, there are surgeris that don't make things better. We could have to empty an Osteomy Pouch a few times everyday. I forgot to mention, one of those medications is to offset the sexual side effects. Don't read any further if you might be offened. The side affect for that one is, If, I maintain an erection for an extended time, like 6 hours, I must call for medical help and rush to emergency room. My wife and I have had all kinds of laughs thinking of jokes. She's had a few friends offer to come over to help. Can you picture the intake nurse asking what the problems was? Do I show and tell? I'm sorry, it makes me laugh thinking of it. If, you think I'm bad, you should hear my wife. Don W
__________________ Captain America - On the side of good |
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10-03-2005, 07:20 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| In Memory Of  Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,738
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((( Don ))) I can just imagine the two of you going on about it! Keep the faith...tell the wife I said hi! So, Im guessin that is not the dog's squirrel in your pocket? *lol* Bless, Trish
__________________ In Memory Of Teach only love...  |
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10-06-2005, 12:51 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,480
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Well, I'll tell ya Don, laughter usually brings me up and about. Sometimes someone will say to me....your are always laughing and smiling, well, for one if I can't laugh or joke a bit about my life then soon they will be hauling me away in a straight jacket straight to the rubber room!!! And a smile is because I feel that smiles are contagious.....I smile at you and maybe you will smile back and at someone else down the road. You can still deal with what going on, on the inside and keep a bit of humor for sanity's sake. for me anyway!
__________________ "Failure is an EVENT, it is not a person – yesterday really did end last night, and today is your brand new day..." .........unknown  The sun always rises, and a new day begins.  |
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