My GD Depression Is Creeping Back

[Bozo]

What the frig is it about this time of year, heading into winter, that my energy is sapped, I am sad, and I have no ambition whatsoever?

I am making an appt. with my md next week to discuss.

I know last winter he upped my Zoloft from 50 to 75 mg. per day and I kind of remembering that helped.

Here is the crux of the problem. I have a major difficult time with TRYING TO HAVE FUN!

It is mind blowing to me. Whether it is a family bike ride, a game of whiffle ball in the backyard with the boys, a fishing trip, I have to FORCE MYSELF to do these things.

Is this normal? Isnt there any kind of medication out on the market that would help to feel alive and vibrant and WANTING to do things?

Somehow, someway, I think and I know I should feel better than this.

[51anna]

I don't know about that Bozo.

I take meds for depression too and have for about 5 years. They have made a huge difference in my life and I will always continue to take meds. They don't help me to stay 'up' all the time, I still have to do a lot of work. I think the difference is, that when I have a 'down' time, I know it will end and I'll move on. Without the meds, I truly believed there would be no way up from the depths of depression. But, I still have to work on being positive every day.

I know what you mean about the change in seasons. I live in Canada and winter is very long here. This talks about seasonsal depression and how to treat it.

http://72.14.207.104/search?q=cache:...&hl=en&start=2

[emmanuel2012]

many people have whats called seasonal affective disorder, and i think people with major depression, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, adhd, etc. anyone with the extra mental sensitivity is liable to experience lows in the fall and highs in the spring.

whats interesting is this: i got mine this year when it was still hot, but was tehcnically fall, which leads me to believe that it has something to do with the earth shifts or with planetary movement, not neccessarily with the actual temperature or weather. that is my current theory anyway.--

[bikewench]

hey Bozo....

My defense against depression was to do everything I could to understand how this was working in my life... what caused it... and what can be done about it....

I believe that depression is unexpressed anger and frozen feelings... and until I allowed myself to feel as bad as I felt... my soup just kept boiling away... spilling over day after day... burning those that innocently love me...

Granted... they have endured this last 4 years seeing me work through my stuff... but.. I've tried to keep my crying and my distress from them as much as I can while still letting them know I'm not quite okay... ;o)

I am finding that the tears are lessening now... and the denial and dreamstate is giving way to living in the moment...


I still hit bad patches...
but.. I come on here and read...
or I look up the issue and try to learn about what is happening to me... and take steps to eliminate things that are helping to create my chaos...

anyway...
my experience strength and hope for what it's worth.. ;o)

I hope you find solace..

[angelgirl]

Hey Bozo,

Man, I don't even know what forum I am posting in, lol, guess it doesn' matter. I just saw this on the side, and clicked on it, looks like my HJP brought me here, now I am wondeeing where I am.. Never looked, just clicked..

Anyway, doesn't matter.
I needed this thread, that's why I know I was brought here.
I have the EXACT same problem. Although I do have problems other times of the year, but if you look at my relapse versus, detox history, it's ALWAYS, relapse in the
fall/early winter, detox --spring/early summer...
This is a very difficult time of year for me. I believe I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, or it's called something like that. Well I have a few other problems, as well, lol.. But this is a big problem for me. I haven't seeked help for it yet, but I know I should, since it has become more apparent to me.
Maybe you should do a search on it. I don't know about meds. But I believe there is some sort of light therapy or something that sounds strange like that, that i sreally supposd to work,,,, maybe do a google search. Or maybe check into it with your doctor or a therapist...
Hope you do... I think I am going to check into it..
I know I need to..
It's quite a problem for me..
Love, Becky

[Bozo]

You all have bits of wisdom thrown in here and I appreciate you guys.

I think the main problem is what Bikewench described at repressed anger.

How much can you repress before you become ill? Violent?

My problem with repressed anger is with a relationship. Need I say more?

Today I had an OK day, made a birdfeeder and painted it and watched my beloved Red Sox.

I am speaking at a meeting tomorrow night, maybe that will help me get out of myself.

[bikewench]

Hey Bozo...

Redsox fan eh... ;o)

Yeah...
anger... repression .. and relationships...
should just be called repressionships if ya ask me.. ;o)
but then.. I'm a codie.. so...
it's first nature to repress my true nature in the cause of another...
no matter how trivial the cause.. seemingly...

and sadly.... men are expected to repress their anger while women get to vent their spleen indefinately...
speaking generally there.. ;o)


there is a certain pattern around our coping ways... and ways of thinking that keep us feeling trapped... and reacting in certain ways...
we can detach from these once we know what's going on...


Sober Recovery has lots of answers... so.. it really helped me to spend time here.. reading.. discussing the problems I was having... getting all kinds of feedback... letting me see the problem from different perspectives...

we aren't meant to be angry all the time... so... yeah.. I think.. blood pressure.. digestive problems.. sleeplessness..

it hurts us to continually stuff it... but... one has to be willing to look into the matter... understand it..


your seeking.. and that's good.. ;o)

[shutterbug]

Ya know bozo,

I found a little info for ya that I read in a book called "overcoming depression by Demitri F. Papolos, M.D. and Janice Papolis":

"It has been discovered tha the human circadian system is controlled by at least two coupled clocks or pacemakers: a strong one controlling body temperature, REM sleep and cortisol secretion, and a weak one controlling the sleep-wake cycle and sleep-related hormone secretion. It is the relationship of one to the other and to outside time cues such as light or temperature that serves to establish a pattern of temporal order within the body.

"Circadian clocks have been likened to cheap wristwatches that run consistently fast or slow and so must be reset frequently (ordinarily....daily environmental cues such as the appearance of dawn and dusk mold these clocks to the ever-changing periods of light and dark.)...

"A number of studies that have examined circadian rhythms have noted that (the cycles of people with affective disorders tended to get off track even when living in typical climates and daily schedules). Several current gheories suggest that some form of circadian rhythm desynchronization may be responsible for the symptoms seen in mood disorders...

"More than a hundred laboratories around the world are now investigating melatonin. Seasonal variations in human melatonin levels have been found with peaks in January and July and (drops) in April and October. These findings have led some researchers to suggest a link between the seasonal variation in melatonin and the increased incidence of depression in spring and autumn."

"A relationship between the change of seasons and alteration of mood has been observed since ancient times, and modern epidemiological studies show a seasonal variation in both depression and mania. most studies agree that peak times for depression are in the spring and fall and that an excess of mania occurs most frequently in the spring, late summer and early fall.

(Several doctors formulated from Northern New England Data that "DRAMATIC seasonal fluctuation in suicide deaths ...peak in May and october" which seem to be the worst times for those with depressive disorders and suicide deaths are least likely to happen in February and December which would seem to be the happiest times for the depressive prone)

-----
As someone said earlier in your thread, light therapy is one possiblity, but in my research it seems that it is only minimally affective in releaving depression and even if it does there is a chance of it pushing a bipolar into a mania. But that's just what I recall reading....if you're interested in it you should do some research on your own b/c I'm just not that familiar with it since it didn't appear that it would work for me.

If you can afford it...I would suggest looking into ECT if your depression becomes major. I can't afford it or else I would do it.

As for "happy pills" all the ones I know of are highly addictive so I stay way away from them because my aunt died of prescription overdose from her addiction to them....so I guess I'd rather be depressed then become addicted.

Anyway....good luck...you know I'm struggling right here with you. I'm sure we'll all make it through October and come out happier in December.

Hugs,
Jenna

[Don W]

Hey Bozo, First you caught my eye with your post. Then my heart with your love of the SOX. Hey, first off everyone has down days. The medication helps deal with them, it doesn't keep them from happening. You didn't mention it but, I've been helped by attending a group that deals with PTSD/Depression. In my case I self medicated with alcohol and attend groups for that. For years I'd slip and couldn't figure out why. Then I understood that there is more than not drinking or taking medication for the problem.
Like I said being depressed is normal, it's the length of the depression I worry about. Evey once in awhile stuff would creep up on me. No particular reason or event. Always something I couldn't put my finger on. Myself? I had alot of crap buried inside. The moods were a sign it was trying to come out. The group theraphy brought it out in a controlled setting. Of course, I'm not saying this is your problem. However, what you described I could identify with. It is my feeling that altough short term meds can make you feel better, long term needs a program or recovery plan with it. At least consider it. Have you read about PTSD? Read up on it. Don W

[shutterbug]

Hey Don and Bozo (I still smile at your name, by the way :-)

Have you seen the movie "Fever Pitch" yet with Drew Berrymore and some guy who's totally hilarious? If you haven't seen it or heard of it....you definetly should since the whole movie revolves around Drew's boyfriend being a MAJOR Red Sox's fan. I thought it was a great movie and I don't even particularly care for baseball! (not unless I'm behind the lens of a camera while the game's going on....lol)

[liveweyerd]

Friends,

I think everybody knows that I believe depression is often a biochemical imbalance, as my DR lectured me like diabetes. But I agree with Don, that at the same time, we have to continue to recover by dealing with out issues. Medical depression can form habits that we continue to perpetuate even when our chemical balance is treated.
For me, 20 yrs experience with depression, I have come to believe that it is a progressive illness and must remain treated. Science shows that usually it is undertreated and for too little time.

But what I really popped in to say, was that I have become intensively busy and won't be able to be around much.
Those who have known me for awhile know that I go from adventure to adventure of all kinds, but nearly always involving travelling and moving.
I have taken a challenging position and need to move within a week, even tho' I haven't finished the lastest move.
I will be intensively involved and need to be very very focused on my next moves so I just can't see me having the time to visit SR much.
But know it is because I am chasing my dreams.
I will check in when I can.
hugs to all my wonderful friends here!
live/Tena

[Bozo]

Whats with you and Mrs. B. having the same avatar?

[Don W]

shutterbug, I have not seen it but, I'll get it this weekend. Live I agree with you also. I think depression is a progressive illness. However, I also believe there is a fork in the process. Untreated it will consume you and all around you. Treated, the path is towards recovering. Although being completely recovered might never happen, still the path to recovery is lined with beauty, hope and happiness. Like everything, although a difficult one, it boils down to choice. I can only speak for myself but, there was a time that I became comfortable being depressed and accepted it. Don W

[Don W]

Hey live, You'll be missed and in my thoughts. Just remember to check in as often as possible. You've been a great example for others. You're a perfect example of the possibilities in recovery. There are so many doors open to us. Go through it, be happy but, most of all keep yourself safe. Our illness like to get us alone. You need the good Parrot on the other shoulder. The other Parrot being SR. I suggest you make time once a week to touch base. I'm going to PM you my new E-Mail. Keep in touch. This is what I talk about when I say enjoy your recovery. Don W

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by emmanuel2012

many people have whats called seasonal affective disorder, and i think people with major depression, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, adhd, etc. anyone with the extra mental sensitivity is liable to experience lows in the fall and highs in the spring.

whats interesting is this: i got mine this year when it was still hot, but was tehcnically fall, which leads me to believe that it has something to do with the earth shifts or with planetary movement, not neccessarily with the actual temperature or weather. that is my current theory anyway.--

I agree.

[Bozo]

Well the doctor increased my dosage of Zoloft from 50 mg. per day to 75 for the winter months.

His thinks I have the seasonal affective disorder and am basically having a midlife crisis.

Plus he thinks I should seek out counseling for my depression.

Bozo, Fall is always hard on me, every year. Among other things I get very lonely. The start of this Fall is hitting me harder than usual too for some reason. I haven't been able to associate it with anything in particular, and I always end up just going along for the ride. Once I get to Winter, it eases up a bit. Once again we find we're not alone.

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by Doug

Bozo, Fall is always hard on me, every year. Among other things I get very lonely. The start of this Fall is hitting me harder than usual too for some reason. I haven't been able to associate it with anything in particular, and I always end up just going along for the ride. Once I get to Winter, it eases up a bit. Once again we find we're not alone.

Thanks Doug. I appreciate your thought.

[carolm]

Originally Posted by Bozo

What the frig is it about this time of year, heading into winter, that my energy is sapped, I am sad, and I have no ambition whatsoever?

I am making an appt. with my md next week to discuss.

I know last winter he upped my Zoloft from 50 to 75 mg. per day and I kind of remembering that helped.

Here is the crux of the problem. I have a major difficult time with TRYING TO HAVE FUN!

It is mind blowing to me. Whether it is a family bike ride, a game of whiffle ball in the backyard with the boys, a fishing trip, I have to FORCE MYSELF to do these things.

Is this normal? Isnt there any kind of medication out on the market that would help to feel alive and vibrant and WANTING to do things?

Somehow, someway, I think and I know I should feel better than this.

Hi, Bozo

I have been in recovery for 12 years. I am diagnose with clinical depression, which med. does help. (300 mg zolft a day). But I am going through such a severe episode right now, that my pychiatrist will not allow me to work. Are you out there? I'd like to tell you more and would appreciate responses. This is my first time on this sit

[shutterbug]

BOZO....Let's you and I keep our sights set straight toward Nov. 1! Last night (just a day and a half away from Oct. 1, I had a major melt-down and even formed a "plan" for suicide for the first time as an adult. I could even see and feel what it would be like to carry it out. I was very scared and it was one of just a few times when I felt like I was loosing my mind completely.

Thinking back over the past week or so though, here's been a problem that may have contributed to this melt-down...See I've always had trouble keeping up with taking any kind of meds on a regular basis and I tend to fight myself even when I know I should take a simple little dose of Tylenol or something to take away a headache or something else that's just as easily fixable/relievable. But when it comes to my head meds...I've finally got myself in line like 9/10 months ago and hadn't had a problem "remembering" to take the meds. Until the last week or so like I said and then it seemed like I was "convieniently" forgetting to take them on a regular schedule or even take them at all. And what even fueled this little med revolt was that the looser I got about taking my meds....the better I was feeling....which was leading me to contemplate throwing them all down the toilet and going it alone, just to "see" what would happen.

Well, I guess I found out last night what would happen. Yeah...my body didn't hurt as much and I actually felt like getting up off the couch, showering and running around town and stuff (major accomplishment for me lately)...but the price was almost at the cost of my life. Because I was so depressed mentally, but my body had enough energy that it could have easily climbed those 10 flights of stairs. At least when I'm strickly depressed....I don't have the energy, mental or physical, to get even to the half-way point of where I was dangerously at last night.

Dunno....I just know that it sucks because Fall is my favorite time of year, but this is the second Fall in a row that I have had a major melt-down like this. I love everything else about Fall:...the cool breezes as summer temperatures plumit, the appearence of Halloween costumes in the stores, my nephews birthday coming up, pulling out all my exstensive closet full of my warm clothing, bundleing up as I head out the door, hot cocoa, curling up in a warm blanket in a set of warm jammies and soft, comfy socks and slippers, feeling the warmth from a fire as it warms my home, the smell of a burning fire place (along with the sight and sounds of fire....I'm a little fire bug), the overall romantic feeling of the season...but MOST OF ALL....the COLORS of the season as the life of everything begins the process of moving into hybernation mode (which just gets me aggrivated because I see all the beautiful pictures I want to take as I drive through town and all....but no energy to do it...that energy always seems to leave me during this time).

Which leads me to remember what I was thinking about last night: That it seems to kinda make sense to me that....look at how some animals...handle fall and winter. They begin preparing for hybernation...right? And then I think about what our ancestors must have lived and worked for centuries before the inventions of modern comforts. They would have needed to have been most productive as late summer hit because that's when they would NEED to start gathering and preparing for the on-coming season change into the dead months of winter. Then as fall would have arrived, the crops started to die, the animals start moving into their winter dens or nests and everything just slows down. Which is why I have this theory about weight issues with people who struggle with depression....because our ancestors would have needed less energy and therefore less food (energy source) during the less active days of winter. So it would appear to me that our current make-up and the way we think of our "conditions" that our problematic to us in this modern day and age...were actually things that kept us evolving because we had adapted to the seasons of life. Survival of the fittest if you will...and just because we've come into the digital age and can now work at night by the invention of artifical light.....that doesn't erase the way we have been conditioned genetically for our species to survive and live successfully. We might not need the things that were once survival skills and adaptations, but we've still got them lingering around in us and continuing to affect our daily lives.

I don't know...I'm just rambling and hypothesizing here from my own observations... No matter, I've decided that I DO need the meds...and that if I can just "hang in there" for about 30 more days then things will start to level out and I will "feel" better.

And then of coures, there will only be about 25 more days until I can stuff my belly with roasted turkey, grandma's family reciped of potatoe salad, pea salad, stuffing, our traditional side of deviled eggs, pumpkin pie and my FAVORITE....homemade peacan pie!

Then....just another 30 days or so until Christmas and getting to play "santa" with my sis and my nephews and more of the same "Thanksgiving" food....yummie yum yum. And all the COLORS of Christmas!

Okay...so I'm just gunna try and take it in 30 day increments...and I think I'll make it...I betcha I will, cause I can at least set that Nov. 1 deadline and BELIEVE that if I can just make it to that mark then everything will be down hill for the rest of the season.

Anyway, just a few random thoughts of mine.

((((TENA))))) My dear "angel" friend...you will be soarly missed by this trigger-happy, picture taker...4SURE!!!!!!

((((BOZO)))).....I guess Mrs. B, just liked the same pic???? I just picked my avitar a year ago because "eyes" have so much meaning to so many different things in my life and the way I view myself and the world....the literal meaning of what eyes are for and the symbolistic meaning of eyes being able to "see" into a persons soul, heart, spirit...and all the beauty we each have inside ourselves...even though we tend to forget that sometimes....I still try to always remind myself to keep my eyes "wide open" so that I can take EVERYTHING inwardly and keep an "open and understanding picture/mind" of the world and people around me. I dunno much more than that?

Is that kinda like showing up to the same party wearing the exact same dress?....LOL.....Oh well, I feel beautiful in my "dress" if you will and I'm sure Mrs. B does too! So I'm willing to share the idea/fabric with her. We can just tell people we are really twins and they just never knew!.....LOL....

Okay, I'm sleep deprived and getting really loopy..so I'd better go.

Let's just remember to keep each other warm as we head into this upcoming season!

Hugs,
Jenna

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by Don W

Hey Bozo, First you caught my eye with your post. Then my heart with your love of the SOX. Hey, first off everyone has down days. The medication helps deal with them, it doesn't keep them from happening. You didn't mention it but, I've been helped by attending a group that deals with PTSD/Depression. In my case I self medicated with alcohol and attend groups for that. For years I'd slip and couldn't figure out why. Then I understood that there is more than not drinking or taking medication for the problem.
Like I said being depressed is normal, it's the length of the depression I worry about. Evey once in awhile stuff would creep up on me. No particular reason or event. Always something I couldn't put my finger on. Myself? I had alot of crap buried inside. The moods were a sign it was trying to come out. The group theraphy brought it out in a controlled setting. Of course, I'm not saying this is your problem. However, what you described I could identify with. It is my feeling that altough short term meds can make you feel better, long term needs a program or recovery plan with it. At least consider it. Have you read about PTSD? Read up on it. Don W

That is exactly what is happening. And I am fighting it tooth and nail that anything is wrong with my marriage.

So suppressed anger and resentment, years of it I might add, have led to anxiety and depression.

Denial and denial over and over. My AA recovery program has taught me that the truth cannot and will not be suppressed.

It is my cause of various aches and ailments with my digestive system as well I would bet.

I think Cap 3 was right again about turning this over to my Higher Power and trying to deepen my faith in my Creator.

On a side note, sports affect my emotions more that I am willing to admit.

The damn Yankees celebrating on Fenway Parks infield put me in a funk for the rest of the evening. What the hell is wrong with me???

[shutterbug]

Bozo...you and Don's posts (and Ryan's in another thread)...made me look to the fact that there really is "something" that usually triggers my depressions...rather that be coming off of a mania or some normal life event, no matter how small these normal downs of life affect me more dramatically becasue of my bipolar and also like you said about surpressed memories and feelings trying to come to the surface (therefore needed to work a long-term program cause as much as we'd like - the meds just don't work on that part of us...we have to do all that hard work on our own and no med or nobody else can do that for us.)

Anyway, funny that you mentioned about your digestive system...when my first major dep hit about 8 years ago I developed problems that are exactly the same as IBS. Don't know if it's the depressiont that is the whole problem with my digestive system or if it just kicked the IBS into action. Dunno...just know that I just "deal" with it cause I don't what to take any more meds for anything unless absolutely necessary.

Wonder if any other peeps with depression/bipolar have these same kinds of digestive probs?

And the body aches and pains...I know that is a direct result of my depression. It's pretty much like what people consider to be fibromiagia (from what I know about that anyway). It's amazing to me that the general public and even doctors don't realize how strongly depression affects us physically! My general doc...thought I was on dope the last time I saw him because I was so out of it and physically slowed and un-functioning. PO'd me that's for sure! I totally resent being asked if I'm on drugs! I just wanted to scream b/c he was obvioulsy so "uneducated" about depression....which is why I have a personal goal to get pamplets into every doctor's office in the state about depression and about how important it is to go see a phyciatrist becasue gen docs just aren't equiped to deal/diagnose/treat with mental illness (which is unfortunatley who most people go running to when they are dealing with prolonged depression)!

blah, blah, blah....just rambling about my own thoughs...please excuse.

Hugs,
Jenna