I'm going downhill-- again

[angelgirl]

Hi, I feel like I am losing it.
I am afraid of everything, and nothing feels real.. I go through this to often, especially when I don't feel well physically.
I know alot of my fears are that I am dying.. I fear I have cancer or something, and I am going to have some drawn out suffering death.. Which, I don't even know if I fear this so much for me, but I fear it sooo much for my kids.
I know this all stems from what happened with my mom.. She died so young, and so fast, and I suffered so much when she died, and I still do.. It's difficult living my life without her.. I miss her so much, and when I get this feeling, like I have been feeling for the last few days, this depression, if my mom pops into my head, myheart honestly feels like it is breaking. Really breaking. I miss her so, and it was all so unfair for her, she lost out so much..
I know others die younger and other people are suffering, and there was the hurricane and it was all so terrible, but none of that stops my heart from breaking when I feel this way, and I think of her.
I am sooooo tired of living like this.. I really, really am. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldnt be living by now, that I know. But I can not do that to them, and have them feel the pain I feel about my mom.
I am an adult, and my moms death should not ruin my life, that's probably what some feel, and that maybe true. But it doesn't matter, it is what it is, and my heart is breaking..
I am trying so hard to straighten up my life, so my kids can have a normal life, and so I can have a normal life. There is a normal, and this is not it.. I want them to have a better life, so I am trying veryhard to change my life.
Sometimes I feel so stuck.. I try to just pick myself up, and kick myself in the rear and say STOP THIS!! but ya know, it seems to come back to this same feeling.. Not all the time, but often. Maybe it's getting better..Not sure. I do need to journal better.
Anyway, I posted here about having this "body jerk". This is what is starting all of these feeling again this time I think. I get insecure, I feel like something must be really wrong, I just know if I go to the doctor, they are going to find something terrible, and my poor kids will suffer. I just am no0t dealing very well.....
You may say I am jumping to conclusions. I maybe, but it's a feeling I get, whenever I don't feel good.. I am trying to talk sense into my head, my mom pops in my head...

Well thanks for listening. I really needed to say these things tonight.
Thanks,
Love, Becky

[OurBigSecret]

Becky,

You are not alone. A lot of us feel like that sometimes, or even all the time. I know I suffer from anxiety and I guess I'm a bit of a hypochondriac too. Every little pain I get I go right to the worst case scenario. Get a headache? I swear it's a brain tumor. Pain in my chest? I'm having a heart attack. I always fear the worst. It can be a lot to handle, but just like you, I try and hold on for my kids. They need you more than anyone in the world.
I hope you feel better posting about it and talking about it, sometimes that helps a lot.
(I also replied to your body jerks post, hope it helps)
Feel better soon!

-Lisa

[bikewench]

Hey Becky.....

I worry about the death thing as well....
Not so much that I'm afraid of suffering... (although I would like it quick and painless if I have a choice eh God.. ;o)
it's more about leaving my daughter... or about her leaving me...
I've had to really work at understanding about my insecurities around that... and find their roots and dispell the beliefs that drive the fears....

that is the only way out for me....

to find out why....

but none of that stops my heart from breaking when I feel this way, and I think of her.

yes... (((Angel)))

I just felt like crying when I read your post ..
I'm so sorry for your loss..




What you've written makes me wonder though if you've finished your grieving for your beloved Mom....
People can get stuck in the grief cycle.. so that one can't move to acceptance and the resolution of losing their loved one.. and all that went with that...


I can only say that.. in my recovery.. the times that I thought I was stuck.. was usually right before a big realization... or coming out of denial around something... so... ;o)


I have bad times as well.. but... I believe with all my heart that I can get fixed.. just by seeking understanding and following a spiritual path...

and I share where I was at with my daughter... so that she knew what was going on...
no lies... right from the moment I understood what lies can do...

anyway...
your not alone... and I'm praying for wellness for you.. and a loving release of your mother's pain....

[shutterbug]

Yeppers...I think the fear of dying and/or death stems mostly from anxiety, but the thoughts of your mom popping into you head at those moments may either be triggering the anxiety or adding to it...not sure...I would talk to a doctor about it.

I tend to always fear the worst too. Tonight, my left lung is causing me pain every time I breath in. I've had this happen before with an upper respiratory infection, but never just one lung. Usually both start hurting because of muscle soreness from coughing so much. So just having one hurting is really scary to me. Stupidly, I'm one of those brainless idiots with asthma who smokes. (Just can't stop). I had a lung functioning test done about six months ago (while I was still fighting a terrible respirtory infection at that time) and my doc said the results show that I have early stage emphazima.

He said my lungs are so messed up that they are like a 70 or 80-year-old's. (And I'm not even 30 yet). My doc was very shocked and serious about it all. If you don't know what emphazima is...well, when you see old people walking around with an oxygen tank and air tubes running into their noses....that's what happens when you have it. You have to live out the rest of your days on oxygen at all times.

And soon after my diagnosis...I had an alergy induced asthma attack that sent me to the emergency room, scared for my life, barely getting there in time because I was already blue.

But here I am...still unable to stop smoking. You'd think that would be enough for me to stop smoking....but nope.

So....don't really know why I wrote all that...It was just on my mind. But I too always feel like I should have my brain scanned and lots of tests run cause all my life, I've felt like it's just a matter of time before they find the tumor or cancer or whatever that's going to be the end of me.

As for your situation...I would just concentrate on talking to a doc about the depression and the anxiety.

God Bless,
Jenna

[ryanjosef]

dear freind Becky im not realy sure what to say.
but i am here for you if you need to talk. We are emotional people you and i, so we shouldnt be so hard on our selves. besides anxiety i cant relate with what you are feeling here. i wish i could and new what i could say to help.
just know that you are loved my freind.

[angelgirl]

It's a good thing here that I can post to all at once, for the reason that, we really all have the same fears. That is kind of cool in a sick kind of way
I was feeling like a ton of lead was on my shoulders. Thanks for the posts to lift me up.. I was also reminded that I was slipping from god.. That was really hurting me alot.. Another cyber friend also helped remind me..
You're all so great, and I appreciate ALL of you. Such kindness shown, at a really dark moment for me. I do feel so much bettter already.. You, god and my cyber friend are the best!!!!
Secret, I am a hypocondriac (sp?) I know that. I do believe aot of it came from what we went through with my mom, she was misdiagnosed for a whole year, then died in 6 weeks when she finally was diagnosed. My whole family seems to suffer that way.. We all are sure we are dying.. Thanks for showing kindness to me..

Bike, as I said in the other pos,, you are a very compassionate, kind person. Bless you for the kindness you show to people.. That is very helpful, and nice.
I have not finished greiving my mom. It's been 10 years. That might sound silly to some, but I just haven't been able to move pass the loss, and sometimes it is really still heartbreaking for me. I began seeing a counselor again, and I hope that she will be able to help me move on a bit more..
Thanks for caring about me, and so many others here on SR. I have seen you show undying faith in people here.. You are a very good person.

Jenna,
Yep, I smoke to. So stupid.
Recently when Peter Jennings died from lung cancer, and then they said that (superman) (can't remember his first name) Reeves , wife has the same lung cancer, and she never smoked, well I was certain I had lung cancer. I had to go to the doctor that week, and I was going to REFUSE a chest X-ray. They keep telling me I have asthma a wheeze in my left lung, and keep giving me inhalers, that I don't use, because then I would have to admit I have a problem,, I am truly sick in the head....
My grandma had emphasema, and my aunt has it.. So I have seen that. I probably have that now that you mention it LOL.. Not really funny..
Thanks also for caring and posting on my messages. You all really helped me tonight, by showing me that I am not alone... Thanks

Ryan
Thanks Ryan,
We are emotional people.. That can be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing..
Thanks Ryan. You are a sweet heart. I do actually feel I can talk to you. I know you would respond in a loving way. You are that way. I just didn't want to burden you right now with all you have been going through..
I do care about you. I do also feel I am loved by a few here, (and not so loved by a few here) that can hurt me... But I shouldn't need all to love me.. Just another of my many problems. I do feel I was getting to far from god. I need to begin praying again, don't know waht happened that I stopped, but I ca tell you, it only took me a few days before it really affected me.. That I will change..
Thanks Ryan, you are also loved...
Thanks everyone. I feel so much better tonight, thanks to all of you.. I couldn't ask for better friends. I do consider you all my friends.
Love, Becky

[wantneeda]

(((Becky)))
i don't really have alot to say, but i have a hard time reading someones thoughts and feelings and just clicking that mouse and movin' on....
i just want you to know that we care, and nothing is too insignificant to post, nor too big.
i can relate to grieving for a long time, and getting stuck there. My grandma died in '84. She was one of the most important people in my life. i don't really recall this but my mom told me years later that i wouldn't even talk about her for a year.
And there are many different faces in our grief. From anger and guilt to sadness.
We gotta move through each and every one of them.
i hope your councillor helps,

i also can relate to slipping away from God, i think i've been doing the same thing.
back to the basics
be easy on yourself
hugs, Wendy