ready for an end

[ryanjosef]

im so tired of life im so tired of the fight, if tryed the god thing i have tryed counsiling.i have tryed loosing my self in alternat realitys and in friends, of talking about my problems, of everything. i want to move on to the next step in excistance the only real thing stopping me is im afraid, im afraid of what will happen to my family, and freinds,im afraidto meet god and explain why i amhome too soon. but i am so dam tired of hurting my heart feels like exploding i want to break down and cry but a cant.in stead these emotions are turning to anger. and frustraition. its not FAIR its not Fair ITS NOT FREEKIN FAIR

[ryanjosef]

how could such an innocent thing turnout going so bad? i just dony understand

[ryanjosef]

i give up

[Wolfstarr]

Ryan---
Please, keep talking...keep posting...c'mon back and let it spill out, we are here to listen and help with our experiences...please, let us hear from you.
Remember this is temporary...things can and will change for you...for the better.

Waiting to hear from you,
Wolfstarr

Ryan, Stop! You may not know just how much your needed and wanted in this world. Your kids and other family need you to be here for them. Believe it or not you need to be here.
Talk to us or someone else you trust.
Everyone is put on this earth for a reason. Yours may just be to help yourself. Call a crisis line do something.

30

[In memory of miracle]

Please post and let us know your alright.
Bless, Trish

[Wolfstarr]

(((Ryan)))))???

Please give us a quick note...Please? You are wanted and needed...

[ryanjosef]

i am ok just broken,thank you for your love and concern, i just dont understand why life has to be so cruel, to love two people being married to one and loveing the other also and not having a choise in the matter , its not fair that i cant have both the people i love.its more then my heart can handle but yet i will go on for what elts can i do. at many times to i feel that my wife is tired of me tired of dealing with me and the bipolor my sex life sucks im lucky if i get laid onece a month, we are not very intamate we hardly kiss. i dont understand my life so i will hide from everyone and everything like i usualy do to survive.thanks for careing

[Wolfstarr]

Ryan...

Thank you for responding! I am glad to see that you said you are ok...although I believe you are not all that great...please, forgive me for being forward but, are you on meds for your BPD? It IS a tough thing to deal with, I have a daughter who suffers with it.
Are you seeing a counselor to talk? Some of us are in the same situation you are in, and don't know what to do. AND these folks are not bipolar! It's a very difficult thing to love two people at the same time...heartwrenching at best.
I suggest therapy/counseling. It can and will help you sort this out...and things will get better, Ryan.
My prayers for you and hang in there, you will be ok.

Peace to you.
Wolfstarr

[ryanjosef]

thanks , yes i get meds for bipolor i am going to see my counsiler tomarrow well maybe i realy dont want to see her wife seid she would knock me out and drag me there. and no you are right im not all that great but i survive as always. heart felt thanks ,
Ryan

[shockozulu]

Ryan, I'm so glad you are getting help. I hope to hear more tomorrow after you see your counselor. I know what it is like not to want to go, but it usually is a good thing to do just the same.

Hoping to hear from you tomorrow.

[ryanjosef]

its interesting that when night comes is when im the most depressed,i try leaning on people for support but i feel that by doing so im just making there lives harder. i am a loner even now as i write i am alone, during the day while all is going on im off by my self doing something but i am alone.and as much as you wonderful people here try and try i will still feel alone. But thank you for trying and careing

[ryanjosef]

Still feeling the same, where is hope, is there such a thing, i find it easy to block/hide my feelings but on nights i over flow with it.

Originally Posted by ryanjosef

im so tired of life im so tired of the fight, if tryed the god thing i have tryed counsiling.i have tryed loosing my self in alternat realitys and in friends, of talking about my problems, of everything. i want to move on to the next step in excistance the only real thing stopping me is im afraid, im afraid of what will happen to my family, and freinds,im afraidto meet god and explain why i amhome too soon. but i am so dam tired of hurting my heart feels like exploding i want to break down and cry but a cant.in stead these emotions are turning to anger. and frustraition. its not FAIR its not Fair ITS NOT FREEKIN FAIR

[shutterbug]

Please hang on...I am here and I hear you...just wish I could help more. You seem even more depressed tonight... I will pray that the clouds lift from you soon.

Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna

[ryanjosef]

i wish that my depression would end one moment i feel on top of the world then an hour or so later i feel that world is comming down on me and that there is no hope, no hope for my futer or for getting out of my depression or hope for anything. it feels that the only comfort i find is when im asleep or working on something. problem is i have not felt like working on a car in quite a few days well not even realy since i sprained my wrist on a car a week or so ago. i pray for help i pray for an end but nothing realy happens other then i feel more depressed. i dont understand it, i was feeling realy good this after noon i went and cooked for my wifes uncle, i cooked an excellent steak and mushroom dinner but when it was over i was back to feeling depressed, more so then i have been for the last week or so. is there ever an end to this.

[shutterbug]

Rapid cycling is a vicious entity. It gives us no idea of what or how we will feel from one minute to the next. Once you get on the right meds...the cycling will level out. Try to give it time...time to let the meds do there job, time to let the docs do theres, time to let God work in your life...time to rest and heal your mind, body and soul

P.S. For the last 4 years I've been a freak about taking photos...about being where the action is or finding something beautiful in the mundaine, but during the toughest times of my depression I lost total interest in it...I no longer felt I knew what my purpose was and I just gave into it all. I let my body and mind rest when ever it wanted. I gave myself a break by not feeling any guilt if I didn't get anything accomplished all day...and gave myself high 5's when I managed to do one small chore...even if it was just something so small as retreving the mail from my mail box (Didn't matter if I felt the energy to actually open the mail or not...just that I got it out...that was my accomplishment for the day...and I didn't let myself feel any guilt about it because I knew that in time...I would be able to do more and more until I was able to function as much, if not better, than before.

I will stop jabbering at you now...I just feel like I want to pass on all the wonderful things I've learned this last year...but as always..."take what you like and leave the rest." --Alanon

[Pick-a-name]

Ryan.........actually I am feeling the same way today....alcoholic husband of 27 yr divorcing me in a few days..........says drinking isn't a problem for him, but so angry at me thinking it is, it "made him drink' yeah, that's what I thought.........quack

[Wolfstarr]

Ryan, me too.
I get so depressed sometimes and at other times I feel actually pretty good...A lot of the time I KNOW what is bothering me but I tend to shove it down deep and not face it.
Certainly that is not the case withe everyone, but it is with me. I know what you mean about the steak dinner and feeling good while preparing and eating, then afterwards, the low feeling again...Ryan know that you are not alone and talking here and with someone you feel comfortable with will help so much...I have been thinking of you a lot and wishing you well. Let us know how you are doing, ok?
Thanks kiddo...take care of yourself.

Starr

[Wolf_22]

We may not have much sometimes, but we have eachother.

[Don W]

Ryan, The fact that you're still posting is a sign of searching for answers. However, I suggest that if you really feel like hurting yourself take action. I don't care about insurance or what. Get to an ER room. Once there don't leave don't sign yourself out. I work in a hospital and once you're there you're theirs. They must find you a safe place. From experence I can tell you. Feel this bad for too long and one day you'll stop posting, find the nerve and the method. Many years I thought what you are. Then one day I put it all togther. I see many people at the hospitals and the VA that attemped what you're talking about. Remember, even that can go wrong. It's not a pretty sight seeing someone living on a machine or in a wheel chair after a failed attempt. You can't consider putting us through this after letting us know you. Don W

[ryanjosef]

i am doing ok do not worry about me i have to just find a way to deal with what happend to me today.and wonder why i am put in such situations, is there a reason is it destanie. i dont know but its not fair. i may talk alot about suicide but in all honesty i am afraid more of what lies beyond theni am of committing suicide. so no worries im long from ready to take a look see.