therapy - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

broken · 03-24-2002, 12:27 PM

wow..
it looks like nobodys really been around here lately..
thast okay....
i just need to vent some ugliness anyway.

i just started seeing a therapist about 3 weeks ago...
and so far i've been feeling worse.
i'm thinking its kinda like when you first start cleaning out a closet..
and for a while everything is a BIGGER mess than it was before....

i am a moderator over on the nar-anon board.
i'm there beacuse i'm married to a heroin addict.
i'm in therapy because i'm married to a heroin addict..
and somehow in the 5 years we've known each other i have lost all the energy, drive, strength, and faith that i've always had.
i wake up in tears EVERY day...
and before i get up i have to physically write out a list of reasons to not kill myself.

it hurts living this way.
it hurts like HELL.
it IS hell.
i dont want it anymore.
i love life..i just hate FEELING this way.
i ******* HATE it and it makes me angry and i dont believe in anything anymore and i really really really want to die.
for REAL.
i REALLY do

thast all..
just had to get that out.

HelpDepression · 03-24-2002, 03:14 PM

It's good to get those things out every now and then. When you're talking about suicide, however, you should really take it seriously and think about seeing someone.

This is a good first step, as you're well aware, but it should not substitute a professional therapist.

If you're truelly thinking of suicide, you need to get help right away. I understand you have other things going on, but if you don't get help for your own problems now, how's that going to help anyone?

Please seek help.

------------------
Chad Colbert
chad@helpdepression.com
http://www.helpdepression.com/

broken · 03-25-2002, 10:06 AM

if you look at what i just wrote...
you'll see that i am GOING to a therapist, and as i said, i have been feeling WORSE lately.
like when you clean out a closet and everything is more of a mess.

that is what i said.that was the point of the post.
i am IN therapy--i think i mentioned it 3 times....

but thanks anyway

[This message has been edited by broken (edited March 25, 2002).]

HelpDepression · 03-26-2002, 04:51 PM

Then you're already 2 steps in front of me. Sorry I didn't read close enough. Just keep it up and things will get better.

------------------
Chad Colbert
chad@helpdepression.com
http://www.helpdepression.com/

03-27-2002, 12:15 AM

Hi Broken,

I just read the post on the other board. But I am a little concerned about you.

You guys are right. Your counselors are trying to ge to the root issues. And you have to go through them not around them. I know you and the other girls know that. However, your post on the 24th about "really, really, really, not wanting to live any more, for real" and then again today, is the concern. I have a suggestion. Call your counselor. Tell him that opening these wounds is really hard on you. Ask him/her if he/she can patch you back up before the sessions end in the future. They will know what you mean. Please forgive me if I am sticking my nose in. I just understand how serious this is for you and I am concerned for you.

jjaa · 03-31-2002, 04:14 AM

Hey Broken, How are you feeling? It has been a few days since your post about your therapy
and feelings of suicide? I was wondering if you have gotten on some medication? I too am Bi-polar and it took awhile to find the right Dr. and the right meds and the right dosage. I had to keep after it and not give up which is hard to do when you are depressed. But I feel so good now; I have been on meds for several years and they really make a differnce. I thought they would take away something in my AA program but on the contrary, I can think clearer and concentrate better and stay focused. So I can actually be of better service to others.
If you read this post please reply. Thoughts of suicide are serious and I just want to know how you are doing. Love, Judy

tyler · 04-01-2002, 08:49 AM

Hey Broken,

I to had the same experience as Judy. Read the post "Here's the Plan" on the General Recovery board. I was so close to the edge that I sat in the parking lot of the fireing range for 15 minutes trying to think of reasons not to go in there. It does get better, but it does take time. I am feeling better now, though I still strugle with my DOC, but it is getting better. It isn't the answer for everyone, but it is not normal to have suicidal feelings. It is normal to feel bad when things are bad, but you should never take it that far. As far as the therpy goes, I was seeing someone and had a bit of a falling out. I think I might go back, but if the person you are seeing is'nt working, go see someone else. My wife is a counciler, they won't take it personally. If they are a decent person then they will put your mental health over personal concerns. It really isn't a big deal to switch. Hang in there it gets better.

Tyler
Working on it day by day

broken · 04-01-2002, 11:01 AM

hey guys..
thank yo for caring...
i'm still here.
its monday which is supposed to be my therapy day..but i cancelled for the month cuz i cant really afford it right now.
or maybe thats an excuse..
whatever--
for today i'm doin alright.

thanks again

04-01-2002, 09:01 PM

Hello Broken, I can relate to your situation. I am bi-polar and a recovering addict. It has been a struggle fighting 2 demons but I have been clean for a little over 13 years. I also lived with a using addict for the beginging of my recovery because I could not find a reason to leave him, but it was until I almost killed him that I found the strenth to leave. It was either my freedom lost or freedom gained I chose freedom gained. My suggestion is that you just stay focused on you and no that he is not going to give u the love that you need and deserve because he is in love with someone else and her name is Herion. I am not trying to sound mean I am just trying to share with you. Also, you need to find out why u really stay in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. Please keep going to your therapist so that u can put yourself back together. God bless you Broken

[This message has been edited by Wicked Wahine (edited April 01, 2002).]

04-23-2002, 03:01 PM

Hey Broken,
It is now Tuesday, and I hope the week is getting better for you. It was really tuff when I started in thearapy also. I have started, and started and started again. It was always difficult for me, because I tried to cram in so many of the things that where bothering me, that not only I got over whelmed: but I actuelly ovewhelmed my counselours too.OOPS! I found if I just try to deal with one or two major issues at a time , That I got more things resolved for myself. If you get a chance, give it a shot when(notice I say when not if) you go back. If you are trying the small step aproach now keep doing that, great! The thing is... Keep Trying!
On the idea of suicide, you already have alot of great input. But I'll still put in my two cents,for what it is worth. It is good that you brought it out that you are feeling that way. I am the type that says nothing and then ends up takeing a fast ride in an ambulance. It happend that way four times in the last 16 months. Each time was more sever then the last. I finally got a clue, it wasn't really ME I was trying to get rid of, it was the PAIN I was liveing in that I wanted to destroy. So Honey, vent when ya gotta and talk when you need to and if you are here for us, we will be here for you. BLESSED BE SISTER ONE DAY AT A TIME/ ONE MINUTE AT A TIME IF THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES

Ex-enabler · 04-23-2002, 08:13 PM

Broken, you may have been partialy right with the analogy that cleaning out the mental closet can create a bigger mess in the short term, but if you create several small organized piles instead of one big one it will be easier.

If you really can't afford the therapist, then see if you can find one who will work on a sliding scale based on your income. Or write down the issues you have allready covered, each one on a seperate page. If you can, show it to someone you trust enough to talk to. You can then work on each item, one at a time.

I know it hurts. My depression cycles have lasted for months at a time, and it allways feels like the world would have to end to make it stop. But it allways does eventually get better, and I try to cling to that fact like a tick clings to a deerhound.

Keep working on the deamons.

05-27-2002, 07:32 PM

I just wen tthru that a couple of weaks ago it surprised me even, Snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I didn't make a lsit of why not to, I made a list of options.
Instead of making a list of why not to commit suicide, you should add another list. a list of your other options.
like leaving him even if it's just a couple of months while you get thru the tough stuff. If it's between him & you protect yourself first.
Maybe there are other things that are on top of it like a job, etc.
I had to quit a job where I made more money than I ever dreamed that I would make, and I know I'll probably never get a another job that good (financialy anyways) but I quit anyways because I couldn't handle all 3 (him, the job, and my problems)at the same time.
Maybe just a weekend at a hotel, maybe a week at friends or your mothers, or camping out someplace, maybe a trip without him to someplace pretty, maybe a trip to the atty.
If you are a counsler,pretend you are talking to someone else and make a list of options for them rather than yourself. What options would you give someone who came to you with this.

Terryb39 · 05-28-2002, 05:40 AM

Broken,
are you on any meds or has the therapist suggested meds? I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you have clinical depression. I have been on depression meds for 8 years, and I have started on a new one about a month ago, and I am feeling so much better. You have been married to a heroin addict for 5 years, WHY? He is sucking the life right out of you. It sounds like he is the big part of your problem. Love is one thing, but giving up on yourself for a drug addict is kind of ridiculous. Have you ever considered starting a new life without him? He is bringing you down with him.

Terryb39 · 05-28-2002, 05:44 AM

Broken,
Sorry, I reread your post, and see you have known him for 5 years. How long have you've been married?

03-24-2002, 12:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
broken Paused Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: nyc, ny, usa Posts: 15	therapy wow.. it looks like nobodys really been around here lately.. thast okay.... i just need to vent some ugliness anyway. i just started seeing a therapist about 3 weeks ago... and so far i've been feeling worse. i'm thinking its kinda like when you first start cleaning out a closet.. and for a while everything is a BIGGER mess than it was before.... i am a moderator over on the nar-anon board. i'm there beacuse i'm married to a heroin addict. i'm in therapy because i'm married to a heroin addict.. and somehow in the 5 years we've known each other i have lost all the energy, drive, strength, and faith that i've always had. i wake up in tears EVERY day... and before i get up i have to physically write out a list of reasons to not kill myself. it hurts living this way. it hurts like HELL. it IS hell. i dont want it anymore. i love life..i just hate FEELING this way. i ******* HATE it and it makes me angry and i dont believe in anything anymore and i really really really want to die. for REAL. i REALLY do thast all.. just had to get that out.

04-01-2002, 08:49 AM	#7 (permalink)
tyler Not all better, getting better Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC Posts: 1,600 Blog Entries: 8	Hey Broken, I to had the same experience as Judy. Read the post "Here's the Plan" on the General Recovery board. I was so close to the edge that I sat in the parking lot of the fireing range for 15 minutes trying to think of reasons not to go in there. It does get better, but it does take time. I am feeling better now, though I still strugle with my DOC, but it is getting better. It isn't the answer for everyone, but it is not normal to have suicidal feelings. It is normal to feel bad when things are bad, but you should never take it that far. As far as the therpy goes, I was seeing someone and had a bit of a falling out. I think I might go back, but if the person you are seeing is'nt working, go see someone else. My wife is a counciler, they won't take it personally. If they are a decent person then they will put your mental health over personal concerns. It really isn't a big deal to switch. Hang in there it gets better. Tyler Working on it day by day __________________ Peace and Love, Tyler *"I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more. I just keep tryin' to get a little better, said a little better than before."* Mr. Brownstone G-n-R Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh

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03-24-2002, 03:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
HelpDepression Paused Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Charlotte, NC, USA Posts: 28	It's good to get those things out every now and then. When you're talking about suicide, however, you should really take it seriously and think about seeing someone. This is a good first step, as you're well aware, but it should not substitute a professional therapist. If you're truelly thinking of suicide, you need to get help right away. I understand you have other things going on, but if you don't get help for your own problems now, how's that going to help anyone? Please seek help. ------------------ Chad Colbert chad@helpdepression.com http://www.helpdepression.com/

03-25-2002, 10:06 AM	#3 (permalink)
broken Paused Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: nyc, ny, usa Posts: 15	if you look at what i just wrote... you'll see that i am GOING to a therapist, and as i said, i have been feeling WORSE lately. like when you clean out a closet and everything is more of a mess. that is what i said.that was the point of the post. i am IN therapy--i think i mentioned it 3 times.... but thanks anyway [This message has been edited by broken (edited March 25, 2002).]

03-26-2002, 04:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
HelpDepression Paused Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Charlotte, NC, USA Posts: 28	Then you're already 2 steps in front of me. Sorry I didn't read close enough. Just keep it up and things will get better. ------------------ Chad Colbert chad@helpdepression.com http://www.helpdepression.com/

03-27-2002, 12:15 AM	#5 (permalink)
Roven_Rev Guest Posts: n/a	Hi Broken, I just read the post on the other board. But I am a little concerned about you. You guys are right. Your counselors are trying to ge to the root issues. And you have to go through them not around them. I know you and the other girls know that. However, your post on the 24th about "really, really, really, not wanting to live any more, for real" and then again today, is the concern. I have a suggestion. Call your counselor. Tell him that opening these wounds is really hard on you. Ask him/her if he/she can patch you back up before the sessions end in the future. They will know what you mean. Please forgive me if I am sticking my nose in. I just understand how serious this is for you and I am concerned for you.

03-31-2002, 04:14 AM	#6 (permalink)
jjaa Member Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: florida Posts: 15	Hey Broken, How are you feeling? It has been a few days since your post about your therapy and feelings of suicide? I was wondering if you have gotten on some medication? I too am Bi-polar and it took awhile to find the right Dr. and the right meds and the right dosage. I had to keep after it and not give up which is hard to do when you are depressed. But I feel so good now; I have been on meds for several years and they really make a differnce. I thought they would take away something in my AA program but on the contrary, I can think clearer and concentrate better and stay focused. So I can actually be of better service to others. If you read this post please reply. Thoughts of suicide are serious and I just want to know how you are doing. Love, Judy

04-01-2002, 11:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
broken Paused Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: nyc, ny, usa Posts: 15	hey guys.. thank yo for caring... i'm still here. its monday which is supposed to be my therapy day..but i cancelled for the month cuz i cant really afford it right now. or maybe thats an excuse.. whatever-- for today i'm doin alright. thanks again

04-01-2002, 09:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
Wicked Wahine Guest Posts: n/a	Hello Broken, I can relate to your situation. I am bi-polar and a recovering addict. It has been a struggle fighting 2 demons but I have been clean for a little over 13 years. I also lived with a using addict for the beginging of my recovery because I could not find a reason to leave him, but it was until I almost killed him that I found the strenth to leave. It was either my freedom lost or freedom gained I chose freedom gained. My suggestion is that you just stay focused on you and no that he is not going to give u the love that you need and deserve because he is in love with someone else and her name is Herion. I am not trying to sound mean I am just trying to share with you. Also, you need to find out why u really stay in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. Please keep going to your therapist so that u can put yourself back together. God bless you Broken [This message has been edited by Wicked Wahine (edited April 01, 2002).]

04-23-2002, 03:01 PM	#10 (permalink)
Miya Guest Posts: n/a	Hey Broken, It is now Tuesday, and I hope the week is getting better for you. It was really tuff when I started in thearapy also. I have started, and started and started again. It was always difficult for me, because I tried to cram in so many of the things that where bothering me, that not only I got over whelmed: but I actuelly ovewhelmed my counselours too.OOPS! I found if I just try to deal with one or two major issues at a time , That I got more things resolved for myself. If you get a chance, give it a shot when(notice I say when not if) you go back. If you are trying the small step aproach now keep doing that, great! The thing is... Keep Trying! On the idea of suicide, you already have alot of great input. But I'll still put in my two cents,for what it is worth. It is good that you brought it out that you are feeling that way. I am the type that says nothing and then ends up takeing a fast ride in an ambulance. It happend that way four times in the last 16 months. Each time was more sever then the last. I finally got a clue, it wasn't really ME I was trying to get rid of, it was the PAIN I was liveing in that I wanted to destroy. So Honey, vent when ya gotta and talk when you need to and if you are here for us, we will be here for you. BLESSED BE SISTER ONE DAY AT A TIME/ ONE MINUTE AT A TIME IF THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES

04-23-2002, 08:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
Ex-enabler Paused Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Chesapeake Va. USA Posts: 22	Broken, you may have been partialy right with the analogy that cleaning out the mental closet can create a bigger mess in the short term, but if you create several small organized piles instead of one big one it will be easier. If you really can't afford the therapist, then see if you can find one who will work on a sliding scale based on your income. Or write down the issues you have allready covered, each one on a seperate page. If you can, show it to someone you trust enough to talk to. You can then work on each item, one at a time. I know it hurts. My depression cycles have lasted for months at a time, and it allways feels like the world would have to end to make it stop. But it allways does eventually get better, and I try to cling to that fact like a tick clings to a deerhound. Keep working on the deamons.

05-27-2002, 07:32 PM	#12 (permalink)
farmgirl Guest Posts: n/a	I just wen tthru that a couple of weaks ago it surprised me even, Snuck up on me when I wasn't looking. I didn't make a lsit of why not to, I made a list of options. Instead of making a list of why not to commit suicide, you should add another list. a list of your other options. like leaving him even if it's just a couple of months while you get thru the tough stuff. If it's between him & you protect yourself first. Maybe there are other things that are on top of it like a job, etc. I had to quit a job where I made more money than I ever dreamed that I would make, and I know I'll probably never get a another job that good (financialy anyways) but I quit anyways because I couldn't handle all 3 (him, the job, and my problems)at the same time. Maybe just a weekend at a hotel, maybe a week at friends or your mothers, or camping out someplace, maybe a trip without him to someplace pretty, maybe a trip to the atty. If you are a counsler,pretend you are talking to someone else and make a list of options for them rather than yourself. What options would you give someone who came to you with this.

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05-28-2002, 05:40 AM	#13 (permalink)
Terryb39 Paused Join Date: May 2002 Location: Dayton, OH,USA Posts: 40	Broken, are you on any meds or has the therapist suggested meds? I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you have clinical depression. I have been on depression meds for 8 years, and I have started on a new one about a month ago, and I am feeling so much better. You have been married to a heroin addict for 5 years, WHY? He is sucking the life right out of you. It sounds like he is the big part of your problem. Love is one thing, but giving up on yourself for a drug addict is kind of ridiculous. Have you ever considered starting a new life without him? He is bringing you down with him.

05-28-2002, 05:44 AM	#14 (permalink)
Terryb39 Paused Join Date: May 2002 Location: Dayton, OH,USA Posts: 40	Broken, Sorry, I reread your post, and see you have known him for 5 years. How long have you've been married?