what now?

i felt it coming on for days, all the arguing with my drug addcited boyfriend has sent me down to my bottom. i couldn't go to work today, too stressed, too depressed. i haven't cleaned the house in days, i don't want to even open the door to go outside. why?
because i'm a co-dependant at the edge.i know i shoulkd be taking care of myself, but i can't seem to. i know i have no control over his addiction, but it certainly seems like it has control over me.
today is friday, either he'll come home and find reason to argue, which in turn leads to reason to use, or he won't come home at all. normally i handle fridays ok, but today i'm not. the anxiety is overwhelming, i start to cry every time i turn around.
this is scaring me, usually i'm a strong person mentally, today i feel i have no strength left. i have two babies i have to take care of. i have to get my mind set back on the right track,i'm just looking for some words of advice to help me get there.

Hi,

I don't know if I can offer you any advice, because what has worked for me, may not work for you, but I can definitely offer you some moral support. Things can get better (trust me - I know), but you might need to make some difficult decisions. I've struggled with depression all my life and right now is a very depressing time of the year for me. Not only because of the World Trade Tower disaster which broke my heart (I live in New York City), but because the holidays have always been a depressing time of the year for me. But after my last suicide attempt, in, ironically, October of 1995, I never gave up hope that things would get better, and today I actually look forward to waking up in the morning again. Don't ever give up hope because life is always full of valleys and peaks. If your boyfriend is not willing to get the help he needs, then move on and do it for your kids. But don't let him stop you from finding your happiness. Like I said, you may have to make some difficult decisions, because change is always difficult, but in the end you'll be glad you did! If no one told you they care about you today... believe me, I do!!!

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Dear Living in Hell,
I know what it means to be a co-dependant. I lived with my alcoholic, sex addicted husband who treated me so cruelly and callously for years. I hoped and I prayed. I always thought that I could somehow make things better by having a good enough attitude - I never wanted to ruin his day - but he always ruined mine.

I used to think it was because I loved him so much. Then I began to see that it was something inside of me that kept me hanging on in such a horrible situation. Regardless of whether you choose to stay or go - you can know this much. YOU HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE THAN YOU REALISE. One of the most horrible things is to believe that we have our backs against the wall and that there is no way out.

One of my favourite sayings is that you can't think your way into changing something - you have to act your way into change. Maybe a good idea would be to decide what your ideal scenario would be and look at a plan from there.

I hope this helps. I was co-dependant with my husband for years - but I've grown out of it, with help and life can be so great.

Keep posting!

Luv
Angela

Livinginhell,
I can totally relate to you (all of you that posted). I just spent the past hour posting a message to "Lew Lost" , under Depressive/BiPolar. Please read it,ok? Take care! YOU have to come first!