Shame... my mother.. and my gawd damn amigdula

[bikewench]

I've had another epiphany ....

I went for another shopping trip with my daughter yesturda... and for the two hours we were in the car... she talked non stop about her new apt...and how excited she was...

.. and I just wanted to cry....
Not only because part of me feels like I'm going to lose her... (because I won't.... she's gonna be living in town... and you think I'd be over the moon about that....).. but because I've been caught up in another crying jag...


Talk about feeling out of control...
I have huge issues about people leaving me because I'm a bad person and I drive them away...


So.. as always... when I feel out of control.. I look for why...

I am much relieved to say.. this morning I know I'm not a bad person.. but that yes.. .. my behavior was probably driving people away because depression and the resulting craziness is a very hard thing to be around for another person...

I now understand why I always have that "driven" feeling...
and that .. inspite of how well and perfect I have my life running... these things keep coming out of the darkness at me... unbidden...


I can thank my amygdala for that...
It's the storage and the dispensor of the trauma in my life...
It seems.. and this feels right to me... that when a traumatic event happens in one's life... the whole thing is imprinted in our little gray bean up there... and when a situation in real life brings up stress or loss or whatever... the little gray bean will send out it's own little memories.. which will then illicit emotional responses that are more extreme than the reality would bring forth...


Shame and fear are stored there....

And I see now how much shame I carry... and how the carrying forth of it is ruining my life... making me feel ungrounded and anxious...

Being able to .. again... step back and see myself and my sickness has been a peak moment for me last night...

I understand what drives me now... and it isn't that I am just a bad person.. a mistake....



I've internalized the trauma in my life... and it will never go away... or that's what my research has said...
Doesn't matter anyway... cause I'm aware now...
I will learn to differentiate between what is "today" stuff... and what is contributing stuff from my gray bean that is being triggered...

I can't begin to say what a relief it is to understand finally in my soul that I am not a bad person...
... that I'm just processing bad shyte...



And a coupla realizations on that as well...
I know that part of my depression is grieving that I was never allowed.. and then later suppressed...
But.. my tears are slowing down... and the down feeling is less and less... and now that I understand what is driving me... I feel wayyyy less impacted by it's presence.


I feel way better today...

And I won't allow my mother to shame me anymore....
I will deflect her comments... her looks... her thing...

I couldn't have got to today without Sober Recovery...
Feeling the unconditional love and support on this board and the unbelievable weath of knowledge and experience..
Well.. it's huge..


Blessings on all..

[equus]

I've internalized the trauma in my life... and it will never go away... or that's what my research has said...

Bikewench, I'll never forget the fantastic advice you gave me when I was so woried about D. Please challenge this belief that the past traumas will never go away, at least enough to keep your eyes open to new things.

Have you ever tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? It's very different and not as determanistic as analysis (sorry I have a pet hate of the latter so yep there's some bias). I'm trying to get CBT on our national health service at the moment because the stuff on it's effectiveness rocks. With it or without it I refuse to have my future determined by things in my life I didn't chose.

I try to look at life like a book with me as a character in it, sick or well, poor or not, tall or short, some bits I influence, some I control, some just happen BUT I get to write how my character plays the cards dealt. I get to try and be the hero, if I see something I like in someone else I can make my character do the same, that's what adulthood means to me; I got handed the pen to write my own story and it isn't done yet!

Please don't lose hope, the only certainty in life is change so don't forget to remember that with cr@ppy stuff - because I'll bet you remind yourself with the good stuff?

[Millwallj]

CBT works wonders for mostly everything.

[bikewench]

CBT... you betcha...
and it works...!! And creative visualiztion and all that.

But.. I see now that what was happening was that I was fighting/dealing with each situation.. each memory.. and I didn;'t know why... and that was why I was beginning to lose hope...

Once I had read all the stuff on Coping.org and realized how many personality disturbances I had... I started to think that I would never get out from under this shyte and that I would be dragged hither and yon with my whacked out emotions and hyper responses to everything...
And on top of that... there was the continual push to mood alter and use...


But.. now it's beginning to seperate...
today and yesturday...
reality.. and dreams/expectations/control

I know who the enemy is now... !!!!!!! ;o)
hehehehe....

And I know I can deal with this now without going for medication... because I was grasping my last straw in that area.
I've seen what can happen with medication... and I suspect it would probably finish me.

Equus...
I've tried the analysis route.. and...lol.. it's too slow....(among other things) and I was still depending on something outside myself for direction and relief....

I am totally going to research CBT to its fullest... and that is going front and center in my tool belt...

I got handed the pen to write my own story and it isn't done yet!

Sooooo totally....!!!!


You know... I prayed a coupla months ago to my HP to show me the truth around my guy...lol... and leave to it God to go one better and show me the truth about myself...


I can't believe how one little piece of information can set a mind free...
I'm giddy... and I ain't afraid to admit it.. ;o)

Please challenge this belief that the past traumas will never go away,

That's the thing Equus...
today.. I don't care about what happened in the past anymore...
I know the mechanics around it now... and my past and my trauma are a part of who I am... and they helped shape me.
For every bad attribute I got from it... I got a good one as well I see now.. like it says on Coping.org... and I can now pick and choose what I keep.

I know the works not over yet... and I'll probably forget and fall on my face a time or two more before it fully sinks in...lol.. but I don't care....

I found my way once... I'll find it again...

Bless everyone on Mental Health...


And don't ever give up hope...

[robina]

Sorry you are going through this.

I recently completed my step 4 and I was so shocked to see a lifetime of my being abandoned and rejected - by friends, lovers, family member....

I realize that I was actually pushing people away with my behaviour a lot of the time. All you can do is try to change once you see these patterns. That's what I'm working on right now. I really hope cognitive therapy works because I plan to start doing that in the fall!

Take good care of yourself. You are not alone. We are all just trying to get through our problems, one day at a time, and coming here helps a bit, doesn't it?

Robina

[bikewench]

Robina...

Love your name and your avatar.. ;o)

Thank you so much for your heartfelt supportive words..
I have shed a good deal of the angst I laid on here... and it was totally around recognizing some patterns and then being able to change the things I can...

I don't know if I'll go down again.. but.. for today.. I feel at peace with me..

Cognitive therapy is a huge tool for me.. so.. I highly recommend using it's principles... a long with a lot of patience and self kindness. ;o)

Blessings on you.. my fellow Canuck.. ;o)

[robina]

Bikewench -
glad to hear you're feeling better.
Recovery is hard work, but I'm glad I've got a program to keep me reasonably sane.

Robin from the East Coast
(it's sunny and warm here today - a good reason to feel happy)

[splendra]

Hey ((((Bikewench)))

I truely enjoyed reading this thread again. I asked my H to read it too. I think we both got something out of it.

So anyway I just wanted to give it a little bump to the top...

[bikewench]

Hey ((((Splendra)))))

how are you oh gentle spirit.. ;o)

and hi to your guy too...

[historyteach]

(((Bike)))

This thread brought alot to the fore for me too.

Right now, I have lost almost everything in my life worth while. Husband, son, and now, my professional reputation.
And I have to look at my part in those losses.
And the feelings of worthlessness that comes as a result of those losses.
And the past losses that come forward with each new loss.
All I have now is me. And I'm feeling pretty down.

I agree with you on the medication route. I'm not against all meds; I take an antidepressant and that's fine. But, in the past, I've been stoned out of my mind, and told to go on permanent disability, because I was so overmedicated. Thankfully, I dumped the pills and the docs who pushed them on me. The best thing I could have done, honestly.

CBT is wonderful. But, it's for the moment. It doesn't deal with those past demons that we sometimes have to exorcize. I've long been a proponet of CBT for dealing with today, though.

Bike, thank you for opening up so much here.
And G*D bless you on your journey...

Shalom!

[splendra]

Well I tell ya my gawd damn amigdula is feeding me tons of shame right now...I am totally dependant on my HP and ya'll right now to get me thru what I am going thru...feel like I am going to blow a gasket...

loss, shame,blame the pit oh gawd damned amigdula...

[bikewench]

(((Teach)))

I think back along my life... and how I was reacting all the way...

Pushed by what I didn't understand...

I understand much more now...
and when a situation comes up that triggers me...
I can now look at it in reality... and see what part of my reaction belongs in this real event... and what part is carried up and away by my past reactive...

Sometimes I feel like a dopey cow...
cause I can just stand there... in a situation...
taking reading after reading on what's going on inside... while the drama plays on outside...

I have been sooo reactive all my life...

I see now that I can stand there and say nothing... do nothing....

Choose to let it fritter off into the universe...

And not feel shame about any part of it...

Cause shame was my constant companion....


And feeling responsible for everything...
man.. what a burden...

I'm slowly sorting my thinking out...
And man.. I have some dumb dumb beliefs...

Had.. ;o).. I could say...

Working every day on staying in reality...
in today...

ah loves you guys...
coudn't do it without ya.

[bikewench]

I am totally dependant on my HP and ya'll right now to get me thru what I am going thru...feel like I am going to blow a gasket...

Hey Splen...
deep breath there gurl....
What's happening..??

[Justme57]

(((((((( bikewench))))))) as Robina , I have just done search in my own life, and this thread has blessed me beyond belief!

I have been self sabotaging all my life, and pushing peeps away .

Thank you for your post , I am printing it out .
HUGX
Lee

[bikewench]

Hey Just..

I DO believe we can ALL work our way to a better reaction....

to ACT on life.. rather than always REACT.....

Shame... is so debilitating...
and it's a hard thing to look square at and challenge...
And sometimes one simply has to let the feelings of shame come and stay... for .. I've earned some of that shame... and I needed to face that.
Not all of it was residual of my dysfunctional upbringing...

Of course...
One has to care first though... and that was what I was sooo short of ...
simple caring...
for me...
for others...

I had such a tude.. ;o)

Soooo glad I don't have to be that way anymore..

Blessings on us all.

[Justme57]

Hi Bike , yep, I must say that in the area of caring, I have a whole new attitude. i DO really care for others and am begining to care for me.

I agree with your thoughts on the shame thing. i have quite a bit of unresolved shame from my childhood, BUT the shame I have brought on myself , is something I CAN now EXPERIENCE and deal with, I used to drink it down. A bit of frozen grieving happenening for me too, my Mothers death, which I pretended to not care about, and the suicde of a partener, drunk down, instead of grieved healthily.

I am enjoying my journey of discovery of " me " though

HUGX
Lee

[bikewench]

Sounds like your finding and keeping the shiny side up Lee.. ;o)

All we run from...

If we'd just stop and turn around....

the things we're running from are way bigger in our heads than they likely are in actual life..

Gotta get past the initial fear though...

And for some of us.. we gotta be hurting really bad before we'll consider the higher road...

or even start to read the road signs thereof.. ;o)

Blessings on your path...