So Very very tired..........

[2stop]

I have dealt with depression so long in my life....I usually overcome it, at least for a little while. But lately...I don't know....I feel as though I have done everything possible, I have had faith longer than I ever thought I could, quit drugs, faced every fear I could face to face.

But I am soooo tired. I take Zoloft. I helps to a point. But it's as though this time, this depression..it isn't chemical, it may be partly situational, but not wholly..I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain. I have been going to pain management. A few steroid injections have a couple spots of severe pain, but not most of it. The dopc is an idiot. My family doc says she will send me to another pain management clinic. One problem. It's 30 miles away. I can't drive and there is no one to take me. I used to drive...I loved it! Except the panic attacks. I had to stop or risk blacking out and wrecking.

I can't work...I am trying to babysit 3 kids right now, ina dditon to my own two...At night I sit and cry in so much pain and stress.

I have been through worse depressions for sure. But it seems to me that it will NEVER get better..as in not perfect..but as in bearable..able to be independent and get done what I need to.

I wil never be a burden to my family. I won't be so fully dependent on others. Maybe I am just being stupid...or just selfish. I try and not think of my pain or my problems...but the problem is ME! I am the one who can't function!

Another part of me isn't even angry at all.................I just accept that I am not ever going to be alright..and I wish I could just lay down and die...I fantasize about it some..but I have two kids..I would never do that to them! ever! But then I pray for an accident to take me...My God! That is sick! I don't want to die!! I want to live more than anyone has ever believed me in my life.

I am so tired though.....so tired. The doctor says she thinks I have fibromyalgia and myofacial pain, I have arthritis in my back and bursitis in my hip and shoulder, I have a staph infection on my chest and my shoulder, I can't afford the medicines to treat it all! They told me I had a fracture in my back...now they can't find it! But the MRI shows bulging disc with spondyliosis(sp?)one doc said that meant a fracture..I don't know anymore..I know I hurt so bad....so bad I sit and just sob when no one is home.I can barely afford the Zoloft I take. My insurance covers no prescriptions, at all. Every day I feel like I am dying...I keep fighting on..but I do wonder how long can I fight? How long can I pray and have faith before i can take no more???

I gues my marriage being on the rocks is to be expected....maybe I am a miserable person to be with!! I honestly don't know anymore..I thought I was doing pretty good. I know one thing if this pain doesn't stop I will have to take something stronger than what I do now....a narcotic. I don't want to live that way again though...so I basically feel screwed no matter what I do. I do yoga stretches, I swim, I meditate...try and eat healthy........nothing works. I think I am really dying and my doctors just don't know it yet or won't tell me...

sorry for the rant and self pity...just needed a good vent I guess..I miss you guys...just too tired half the time to post.

[2stop]

If anyone here is dealing with Fibromyalgia I would appreciate any suggestions that work for you in coping with the pain. Mornings are soooo hard. I have to babysit today...I think I will go to the pool with them all.

Hope everyone has a good day.

[dmajor7th]

Hey 2stop, so much of what you said I can relate to. It's almost as if I wrote it. I suffer from chronic fatigue and weakness and pain-everywhere. For about 8 years now.
I have disc degeneration in my back, myalgia everywhere-my face-from my teeth into my cheeks and jaw, shooting pain down my fingers, hands-headaches, pain in my muscles, joints,
chronic infections that my doctors can't seem to get rid of. As well as having severe depression, anxiety and other mental health problems.
On and bloody on. I don't have children and looking after children when in this state, well, frankly I can't imagine it. But, I couldn't imagine living like this years ago either. What you said about "I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain."
I'm right with you there.
I've considered that I may have to go on a
low dose opiate pill some day. But I really don't want to have to do that. I was (am) an opiate addict, so that complicates things.I've had my fill of addiction and withdrawal. So it's a real conundrum.
Right now all I'm taking is extra strength tylenol-sometimes naproxen-they do next to nothing of course. And music. When I feel l can't take one more thing, I listen to music. And candlelit epsom salt baths. With a bath pillow and ear plugs. And if I can focus, a book. That really helps the muscle and joint pain and anxiety.

Everyday is a battle. Every. Single. Freaking. Day.
But there is always hope. After my rant, I realize that may sound incongruous.
Is there some way you could take some of the stress out of your situation? In a weakened state, a person just can't handle as much constant stress. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things for your pain. Just wanted to let you know I feel for you. Take care.

Sincerely, Cate.

[needhelpva]

I'm so sorry about your situation. I also have depression and recently found out that it is possible that I have bipolar disorder. I have definitely had days where I was so very tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. Just didn't want to do anything and felt worthless. Acutally I am in one of those places now . . .

BUT, that is not why I wanted to post. I just wanted you to know that I am here too. I will promise to have a bit of hope if you will. Sometimes it is hard for me to have hope for myself, but knowing that it is helping someone else seems to help me. So, I have hope for you and I will pray for you. (Both of these are 2 HUGE things for me right now) -- see my post re: how to move on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ewpost&t=67138 (how to move on)

I also just want to throw this out there: when was your most recent check in with your prescribing physician? I was on Zoloft for a while and I don't know if I became more depressed or if it simply didn't work for me, but I began to feel horrible despite being on Zoloft. Just a suggestion to check in w/ your dr. Also, I had to go to a psychiatrist who specializes in substance abuse in order to get the best treatment. Although things seem hopeless and worthless for me right now, I am certain without his help I would not be here today.

Hope and faith to you.

[2stop]

Thank you guys so much for your replies. It means a lot to me.
I was addicted to pain pills for 20 some years...from age 10 to about 32...I am 33 now...so it hasn't been too long that I have been sober. A year or so...I don't count anymore..it just feels like I beat one thing, something I never ever thought I could make it through...to this. I just feel sooooo depleted, and worthless. I will hang in there...I always do. I have made it through soo muxch in my life...never thought of myself as a survivor as much as a fighter...but I think that works against me, I don't know how to relax. how to let go...and just let things work out as they will..I am a terrible control freak..as so many of us are.

Thaks against.so much. I will keep you all in my prayers. I have a strong faith, I believe in miracles..but some days..it just seems pointless to believe at all....I know you guys understand what I mean....you get to the point you just truly do not want to accept what is wrong with you. Maybe THAT is where I need to start.

Huge hugs coming your way..................

[2stop]

I actually had a pretty good day today!! got alot of work done and my spirits are up too.

It'sd crazy this roler coaster ride called LIFE! But thank you HP for alowing me to still be here. I don't know yet HOW I am going to achieve all I feel I must..........but one thing I DO like that I learned in a 12 step eeting was that HOW stands for Honesty, Open-minded, and Willingness. That's what I am going to be.......

Hang in there all who struggle with pain and depression and anxiety...........you're in my prayers...and someone LOVES you!!!! (((Hugs)))

[2stop]

If I could only remember whilst I am in the throes of a deep depression just how much I grow, spiritually, each time I fall........I wouldn't freak out or feel so miserable...I would know I am just having 'growing pains" and I can endure..I can cope, I can move beyond the pain.

just had to share that..I was sitting here pondering pain, and how it chages us, and feels like it chains us...actually it is helping to set me free. Making me pay attention, making me feel more alive...than ever before. LOL..when you have an overabundance of pain you know for da*** sure you ARE alive.....there is really nothing worse than the numb depression, the empty agony addiction and depression can bring.....the pain I feel sober....I can move past, because I FEEL it, all of it, and I don't run away.

[In memory of miracle]

arg ! I just lost my whole post! @@@@@ !
((( Tammie ))) Its so good to see you! I was thinking that I had not seen you for awhile and was getting ready to declare you on the MIA thread *lol*. I have chronic pain,deppression anxiety also. PM me any time you like. I am glad you are feeling better. Keep that faith !
Bless, Trish

[2stop]

Thank you, Trish!! ((((((((((((Huge Hugs))))))))))))

[liveweyerd]

Big, big, hugs. I can so identify with the being so freaking tired of the depression and all the extra demands. Maybe it is time to try a different anti-depressant. I can't remember the thread, but I went whacko sometime within the last month and some dear angel gave us info on how to get our meds from the manufacturers for free!
You are one of the most creative people I know here.
You are the only person I have heard say that the pain makes you know you are alive other than my husband. I can't pretend I understand that. I feel so much better with my pain treated and relieved.
He has the messed up back and is on disability. They give him scrips for pain. They don't help (ultram/tramadol) We have bottles and bottles of them sitting around. He has had two of those steroid shots but they say he can only have 3 in his lifetime. We/he found that actually the most effective pain relief comes from Goodies powders.
He also has a touch of arthritis. The goodies are a combo of aspirin, tylenol and caffeine in a powdered form. I have become a believer because they work better for me for headaches than all the other otc things. Swimming does seem to help his back and hips and legs.
I remember many of the life circumstances you were dealing with. Last time I went crazy it was a combo of situational things, not taking my meds right and perimenopause. My pdoc says the situational things are really important and I needed to change them, that anyone would get buggy with what I was trying to live with.
You are dear to me and I want so much more for you, that "I WANT TO LIVE FULLY" realized. I believe it can happen.
love,
live

[51anna]

Tammie,

I have fibromyalgia and I sent you a PM.

Don't give up hope.

Love, Anna

[dmajor7th]

Tammie, or anyone else suffering with this, have you been on antibiotics lately? The reason I ask, is if you have, did you notice any improvement in your symptoms while you were on them? Less muscle or joint pain?

[2stop]

Thank you so much Live, and Anna and all of you...I love you guys!

I am taking Cipro right now for a staph infection. My joints aren't feeling better...but maybe after I am through with them? Interesting you mentioned this though, do you know of those who feel better whilst on antibiotics?


Live-I have had 3 steroid injections within a month...that's interesting his doc said no more than 3 in a lifetime. I know they can ruin your immune system and all. Hmmmm...will have to research it more.

Anna- I am going to speak with my doc about the meds you mentioned. Like I said the Zoloft seems to help, but then again it isn't, make any sense..it helps me sleep a few hours at night..then I wake up ancy and all anxious, and the OCD is sooo much worse on it...but the overall anxiety throughout the day is better..it's weird, I have been on soooo many different meds....I just want to quit them all.

..and Live..although I feel alive because of the pain, unfortunately it is the type of 'alive' where I think only death will cure it...I hate pain!! I can only alot of it...but I hate it with a passion. The past few months I have had to go to the ER sobing in pain..they give me 4 shots..and finally I can rest.....only one of them is usually a narcotic, we always try the non narcotic shots first, like Torodol. One doc gave me Diluadid and morphine....didn't like the feeling....which is progress for me..used to I would have loved every second of it!! I can't say I crave narcotics anymore...I DO crave relief alot...but really try to avoid the heavy narcotics. I take neurontin now, and skelaxin..had to stop the skelaxin, felt like puking all day with it....the neurontin makes me feel better somewhat, but keeps me even more tired.

It's frustrating, but by God I won't lay down and die, I want to sometimes..but I won't.

Hope all are doing okay tonight.love you guys!!!!! I am definitely going to be on here more......I have been away from HOME way too long.........

[liveweyerd]

Tammie, I don't know what kind of steroid injections they gave him. All I know is that one on each side of the spinal cord spaced about 1-3 months apart. It helped alot. But then because it masked the pain, and he was in a mess with the hurricanes, he lifted far too much and injured himself.
The best thing he has done for his back is to lose weight and do a lot of walking. He does say it is better than it has been in a long time.
oh, and because I am in-between jobs I ask my pdoc for samples, she has no problem with that. The post for free meds was in WIR. I will try to find it.
That laying there waiting to die is something I am way too familiar with, I call that depression now and being passively suicidal.
You deserve to feel better.
Have you talked about switching from the Zoloft, there are lots newer ones.?

[liveweyerd]

Also you might ask about a really old one...trazadone.

[2stop]

Don't mind me and my long posts..LOL....just trying to work through what's bugging me..I have had a good day....very grateful for that....but wouldn't you know a letter comes from my sister in law...and ruins my peace of mind! (I am ruining it, by dwelling on it, but working on 'letting it go")

To make a long story short my brother is an alcoholic and does not pick the nicest women to be with....I have tried very hard to be good to this one even though she is rude, demanding, a drunk herself and a liar......she smoked pot in my back yard a few weeks ago..and that is it....I won't deal with it..but the worst is how every conversation is how bad my brother is..she has accused him of forcing sex(I feel obligated to call the law..but what do you do??!, she called one last time saying..."your brother.." and proceeded to tellme how he woke up in the middle of the night anjd pissed all over here!! That is sooo sick!! I kinda snapped...told her I can't take anymore...won't take anymore......to please not call or come by again. She didn't like that very much.........I told her and my brother both...you bring illegal drugs to my house...you won't be coming back.....I mean it. I just wish she would stop strating crap.....she acts all nice around my husbands boss, a family friend of ours, (she is working off money they lent her to pay off her probation in Texas so they won't come and get her) Nothing is ever her fault....ever! Hateful, hateful person......some of the crap comes outta her mouth is sooooo insane! I can deal with my drunk brother better than her.... needless to say she outright pisses me off..but I have chosen to not allow either one around me or my kids. It' sjust too much bs you know?

I don't know it is just wearing on me...she told me I am not a good friend, I am jealous of her, I am this and I am that..yada yada blah blah blah.....I can't take it anymore...........she is the type to start trouble and I just hope she doesn't.....I am too tired for it.I am having terribly hateful thoughts towards her and I need to stop it but boy some times people just get to you ya know??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!@!!!!!!!@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!

okay, sorry about the vent..just had to get it off my chest..I am going to let it go somehow......

I wrote her one nice letter, offering suggestions to help her, support through it..she said it just pissed her off.....so she is on her own now............I just don't want trouble. Why do some people thrive on so much hate and discontent?? Even in my worse days addicted I hated chaos and discontent.....didn't like it at all. I guess people can hide from their problems when everything around them is sooo messed up.

[2stop]

I have taken trazodone.......I have to confess, there are some issues facing me with past bulimia and anorexia that is associated somewhat with antidepressants..and I know it sounds so vain and so stupid but some antidepressants I will not take if I even suspect they will make me gain weight..I get so obsessed over it. I have never told any doctor about my past problems with bulimia and anorexia..I worry now that I may have done more damage than I thought...and I have done some damage....trazodone is one where I gained weight.....I read where this neurontin can cause weight gain and already I am anxious to stop it..so really I am working against myself..I can't expect good pain relief if I am going to be soooo stupid!!! Man........it is really an issue I need to talk about though...I never have really opened up about it.

I wouold feel sooo in control by not eating...it was a real rush to me..and when I would get so hungry and emotionally starved and lonely I would sit on the floor and eat sooo much..I then would puke it up, I would mix mustard with water, shove a toothbrush down my throat, whatever it took..I also became quite adicted to exercise...my frieneds hated me, going on a bike ride was not fun with me..I would find every hill and deman we ride up them without standing up on the pedals..just push ourselves.I was so anxious and scared and depressed back then..I wanted to be in control.....to be in charge of myself.....to look good to people, I was sooo afraid they saw me and thought "look at the crazy girl....ewwww...don't get near her!!" I thought at least I could not look crazy, even though I felt insane.

I rememeber once after having a breakdown after being raped(6 months later)I woke up in the hospital......somehow got out of bed, could barely walk from being sedated and went into the bathroom and did sit ups til I passed out.....my God..I was insane. No wonder I have bursitis and arthritis and pain.....I better tell my doctor I suppose...I really don't want to...but I want to eliminate all issues from my life...I want to be free.

Sorry for another long pitiful post, but it just triggered something, how I saw an antidepresant mentioned and became very anxious as to weight gain.

I tell ya, do we ever become issue free???? LOL..........One thing at a time I reckon....

[liveweyerd]

Tammie,

I put a sign on our front door that says do not enter violators will receive a no trespass order from the prosecutor's office.
How is that for an attitude?

I have got a woman I would love to gripe about.!!

There is no reason for you to be an in-between between your brother and his messed up gf. Ya can't save the world. I can't take the stress of that kind of bs.

Go to a meeting, see a psych....there are your problems and my problems,...that is my attitude towards those people.

[liveweyerd]

Being depressed, I didn't see the need to eat. I would psych myself with thoughts of how much of the world is happy to have a bowl of rice a day. Or of Buddhists fasting.
I didn't know until recently how I have been able to maintain a normal weight. And. yup, it is the meds.
My appetite has been screwed up for a long time. It all started over the stupidist thing. I was 6 months pregnant and I bought a pair of jeans on sale in my pre-pregnancy size. Some older german ladies made fun of me, about how I would never fit in my size again. That was it. I would prepare a meal for the family, push my food around on my plate and then sneak it to the dogs. Now I don't care if I eat for days, then I hit the smorgasboard and eat all the meats I can hold. Lucky for me, my new hubby usually runs out to McD's for breakfast sandwiches and with him around I eat better.
I used to most dread the question "What did you eat today?" And only a tiny few even knew to ask it.
If it isn't a nice meal out, I would rather take vitamins and be done with it. And I HATE cooking. If I can't snack out of the fridge, I would starve. Mostly I munch a bunch at night while reading.

[2stop]

Love that attitude live!!!! LOL.....People like that are just mental vampires really.....they won't accept help or even admit any problems, and they want to dump and dump and rant and rave and cause so much chaos....not going to tolerate it anymore.

I am going to enjoy my life!!I guess a part of me always feel guilty if I don't support someone 100% through EVERYthing..but I just can't..I don't have the strength anymore........I would do anything to help anybody..but if a PERSON DOES NOT WANT HELP..THERE IS NOTHIng I can do...

Will try and stop ranting here soon..have to stay awake til 1am to wake hubby up for work....poor guy, he works soo hard. He lives in tremendous pain also..he believes you should just suck it up...lol...I've tried, it doesn't work for long..

I will keep your hubby(and you) in my prayers. I was so excited to hear you got married!!! Bless your heart!!

Wishing angels on your pillows tonight dear friends....love ya!!!

[liveweyerd]

Stop with the apologizing, I am so happy to hear from you and chat. And I have never confessed the eating thing before.

My exA used to like to be the one everybody came to with their probs. One day I walked out and asked, are we getting paid for this counseling?

I will suggest meetings, clinics, anything I know of and then I am done with it. If they want help they will get it.
If they want drama, go find somebody who gives a damn.

[liveweyerd]

If ya get another letter from her put return to sender on it.
That ought to be enough said, ya think?
Since it is opened, maybe burn it, that is kind of symbolic.

[2stop]

I have always loved reading your posts!!! God love ya...you're great........I just feel better when I chat with ya!!

I get too analytical.......things are as they are....I used to always remember the quote Que sera sera...........what will be, will be......It's high time I just let things go.


I have always wondered with depression....how much is chemically imbalanced...and how much of the depression is from my thoughts/attitude/expectations......and could I, if I got my attitude bright, my expectations low, and my thoughts 'happy' LOL...could I be alright wihtout the meds.......they say our thoughts affect hormonal, chemical changes in our body......


....and of course a nutritious diet can help with mood and depression......it's so da*^$ complicated to 'live right'........I swear....LOL...........

THank God it has cooled down here...that alone brightens my mood...cannot wait til autumn here.....it smells so good and all the colors......it's wonderful!!

[liveweyerd]

Hey there is a GREAT book out about that, new science findings...plasticity of the brain never before thought possible. I gave it away or I could quote exact title and author. Let me think. It is something like Healthy Emotions by Daniel Goldman. A must read. Not an easy read, but ever so important. I shouldn't have given it away. Yes I should have. Buy myself another copy. I think it is in most of the bestsellers bookstores by now. It is associated with the Dalai Llama. But it is not about religion, it is about mind blowing new science. Check out mindandlife.org I think that is it.

myself, it really improved me I should still be studying it, but that is in combo with the meds. I have to have the meds. I have proved that to myself the hard way a dozen times, everytime I decide I don't need them I get much sicker than I was before. I am afraid I do not have another comeback in me.

[2stop]

I will definitely check that site out.....I truly believe for many it is the combo of meds and cognitive retraining that works best...most definitely. It is so exhausting, coming back from a major depressive episode. The weight, the heaviness.....it is pure living nightmare hell for sure..I wish I could find a cure!! Don't we all.........


I most definitely want to read that book you mentioned...........two books that really changed my life are Real Magic and Your Sacred self both by Dr Wayne Dyer....I love that man......there is just something calming and something that rings so true in my gut and my heart when I listen to him......I have such a peace come over me when I read his books or listen to his talks...I need to order his CD's and more of his books. The first book I ever read of his was Your Erroneous Zones...it all made so much sense..but so da%^%& hard to do! AS you read his boooks through the years though you see HIS spiritual growth, his wisdom grow.....

I need to start going to the library again..We have a great one here in town. I am babysitting 3 kids right now, with my 2 it is too crazy to try and take em all in there. But school starts soon!! Hooray!! I love my kiddo's..but boy am I ready for some ME time!!
It's been a long summer in some ways, and too quick in others. Both kids are starting new schools..I am puting them back in public school...the church school they were in became tooo rigid and crazy...and just plain UNspiritual IMO......They are excited about it...so I hope they adjust nicely.