The cycle has started again

[still_me]

I haven't been here and read much in several months. I'm just drowning here slowly. not sure why i'm coming here cause i know there is nothing anyone can do but me.

I have been labeled many things but the only one I completey agree with is the ptsd. All the other labels I don't have a clue. I have a history since i was a teen to go thru these very distructive periods in my life. I don't mean too, they just happen. I was clean and sober for yrs but am not any longer. I also now am bouncing around emotionally and the self hate talk has returned. It is not hearing voices but it is my own voice that tells me what a piece of **** I am and so on. It is all part of the cycle but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm back on taking lithium and have been for about 2 months again. I thought i was feeling better but it only took a bit of stress to feel bad again. I honestly don't know if i'm bipolar even. I dont' know if I'm anything other than weak. I'm tired of the cycle. I thought it was gone. I realy did. I stayed home most the time but i was alive and didn't feel the demons. Now they are back. of course they are me though. I just really would like some quiet time. Some time where my head isn't saying horrible things to me day and night. I don't know why i'm writing this. I guess just to get it out there. I'm just tired. I don't want to talk to my dr about this. I don't want her to know how bad it's getting. I just need some quiet.

[pedagogue]

THESE are the kind of things you DO need to tell your doctor. They need the information so they can HELP you. It is true that YOU are the major component of change...but sometimes with the guidance of another....change can happen easier. Take ownership of your life, decide that you DO want to make a change...then make a plan.

Keep talking/typing...because it really can help.

-pedagogue