Loneliness is so f'n hard

[peplepew]

I just don't know how much longer I can take it. It's the one thing that throws me into a depressive episode like no other. I got a DWI about six months after I got a divorce and lost my drivers license for a year because it was my second one in ten years. It has thrust me into isolation for almost a year now since I live in the country and I just want to scream. Actually I do often. I can drive to work and school and that's it so I have no social life essentially. I keep having these bouts of believing I will be like this forever. I would rather die. i have been getting drunk to some degree or another every night for almost three weeks now because I can't handle being alone.

The worst thing is not having a mate and not being able to do much about it. I miss everything about being intimate with a woman. I mean intimate in every sense of the word not just physically. I miss sharing my private thoughts. I miss making a woman smile. I miss holding a woman's hand. I miss a female voice. I miss the pinnacle of a relationship in the bedroom. I miss it all so much I could die.

I drank a bottle of wine earlier today and don't have any more now I'm thinking about risking it all and driving to the bar just to have a few drinks and talk to some people. I beg the question, is that unreasonable? I just have to escape. I'm not an alcoholic although I do abuse it. I just don't know what else to do. I am so trapped by this void in my life.

After ten years of periodically taking antidepressants I was finally diagnosed as bipolar II a few months ago. Taking mood stabilizers has helped tremendously but I still go off the deep end when being alone for the rest of my life enters my mind. I go bonkers when I see an attractive woman, my heart skips a beat or something maybe I get a shot of addreneline. Even moreso when I'm reminded of physical intimacy. This really sucks and there isn't much I can do about it. I think the bipolar wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have this need to deal with. Is this rare for a person to feel like this?? Do I qualify as codependant or something for not being able to cope with being alone? Am I obsessive? Maybe it's a biological imperitive at work to perpetuate the human species? Whatever it is I just want peace. Sometime I wish lightning would strike me and I would never have o feel this way ever again. Good God this is terrible.

[pedagogue]

Welcome to SR.

First off....I can bet that there are quite a few people who are or have been in your shoes. What comes through your message is a need for a connection...which you have termed as intimacy (in the truest sense of the word), and you also are looking for undestanding. Since you haven't found this..you turn to drinking. You DO have options...and they are (in my opinion) better than going to the bar.

I think it might help if you take some time to browse the forum because there are people who have been in your shoes, and they can help you.

Also, if you ever need to talk to someone...please check out the "Chat" room (click on the Chat Forum for more info), or feel free to PM me or any of the other mods.

-pedagogue

[Blue2085]

Hey Pepe,
Most of us are in a similar situation, Lonely or partner does not understand, were looking for a connection.
Well guess what? need someone? were here, and we happen to be females, can't help you on the intimacy thing, but friendship....you bet!

I'm more than willing to chat & share my story if you need me.

YOU SURE AS HELL ARE NOT ALONE.
There a thousands of us here, & we need you as much as you need us, that's what makes this method of recovery work!

[pedagogue]

Intimacy (as I mentioned above) in its trues sense is simply having a closeness or connection with another person. Sexual attraction actually doesn't have anything to do with the definition per se, but sexual feelings (sometimes erroneously) get intertwined with intamacy and are confused. This is what happens alot when people swap sexual feelings for intamacy, and vice versa.

*edit*

Sobriety plays a big part in making positive changes in your life. If you self-medicate and dull everything, you won't get anywhere. Making decisions while half in the bag also isn't the best idea either.

-pedagogue

[KelKel]

Hi Pepe
I can relate to much of your story...
I too am bi-polar, I am also an alcoholic (grateful for sobriety today)
The two do not mix.... alcohol is a depressant.
Getting sober might be a good place to start healing, then it will get better.
Glad you are here, you are not alone.

[dmajor7th]

Hello Peplepew, I understand your situation. I am not Bi Polar, but Borderline. I went through booze and drugs and finally got off them, but after that-real life came crashing in and my mental illness wasn't dulled anymore. So I've basically isolated myself. I haven't had any meaningful human connection for many years. I feel so lonely sometimes, I cry in gasps. I'll be 39 in July and have never been married or had children and I haven't had the pleasure of just having a wonderful man hold me or look at me with affection for a very long time. So I truly do understand your loneliness and yes, the "intimate" or lack of, it too. I'm starting to address my problems. This is a very good board. I hope you can address your drinking-because it will make things worse. You can recover and find that special lady. I wish you all the strength in the world. Best of wishes.

[worriedsick]

I can definitely relate, that lonliness feeling sucks, I feel alone alot. Since I moved to Texas, don't have any friends, just my mom, kids, and bf that isn't even that anymore.
Write whenever your feeling down, that's what we are all here for. Please don't drive, no matter how much you want to, the risk isn't worth it. Hang in there, I will pray for you.

[peplepew]

PED,
You have a point. the need for connection is a certain issue. I guess I really have no inclinations to cultivate intimate connections with anyone other than the woman I adore. Is that antisocial/and-or unnaturual behavior in a sense????

The way I feel is that I don't acquire any satisfaction from any other connection until that one has been met. In a nutshel, I can't operate properly until that particular NEED has been met, from what I can tell anyways.

"Intimacy (as I mentioned above) in its trues sense is simply having a closeness or connection with another person. Sexual attraction actually doesn't have anything to do with the definition per se, but sexual feelings (sometimes erroneously) get intertwined with intamacy and are confused. This is what happens alot when people swap sexual feelings for intamacy, and vice versa."

-In response to that, I must say; I don't swap sexual feelings for intimacy as far as I can tell. I'm really not quite sure where you were heading with this. I don't desire a F#$k per se to fulfill me. I long for that human condition of being special to that person of the opposite sex who is special to me and ALL the beautiful things that come with it. I don't see that as anything more than fulfillment of the most special and important part of what it is to be human. I am of the mind that if this is not achievable and maintainabe in the course of a life, then life is truely NOT worth living unless one dedicates him/herself to something to the effect of Sister Theresa. For which I am not a person of that caliber, so I see no other option.

Don't take my moniker that inplies Pepe lepew the cartoon character in the wrong context, I am not permiscuous. I just love wit intensity but not infatuationatly.

Fortunately I am only bipolar-II which only has led me to episodes of hypomania instead of full mania, however, I have had episodes of major depression leading to me waking up with a 12 guage shotgun in my bed after a blackout and no recollection of how it got there. Not a good thing.

[pedagogue]

pep,

I didn't mean to imply any permiscuity on your part. I wanted to highlight the context of my use of the word 'intimacy'. I also wanted to point out that many times intimacy can get mixed up in other areas.

As for your desire to have an intimate connection with a particular person...that is totally normal. I would throw a caution out....be careful your desire does not become an infatuation/fixation. Sometimes when in a depressive state, people will fixate on something or someone and this fixation can be detrimental.

As for the gun mentioned above....wow. It might behoove you to lock it up and/or get a trigger lock. Some BP's can dissassociate for periods of time, and in those periods they can be vulnerable. Please take my warning seriously...you don't want to mess around with a gun.

-pedagogue

[sunshinebluesky]

feel free to email me anytime you want to drive after you have drank.........though i wish you wouldnt drink,and just get on these boards and talk to us!!!!