Need Help undecided frightened

[dmajor7th]

Hello, I posted before on the addiction thread. I have quit booze, cocaine, heroin and have been 8 months off methadone. The only reason I bring all this up, is to make it clear that I have had more than my share of withdrawl.

Now. I have suffered from depression all my life. Anxiety has been the last few years. I have been in a dark room for almost a decade. I go to doctor's appointments-that's about it. I haven't had physical human contact for about 8 years. I have a roomate, but he raises my anxiety level and irritability level so high, it's unbearable. I'm hypersensitive to noises and he yells when he talks, crashes dishes, God it's unbearable. I've been living with him for years. Can't work, can't afford to move, nowhere else to go. So. I cannot breathe unless I take Xanax. Heck even on it I can't somtimes. I'm on abour 4 mgs-maybe sometimes 4.5 a day. been on it differing dosages for a few years. Also on 10 mgs amitriptyline for sleep. I can never breathe-get enough air-I wake up like that-I have constant muscle pain, I want to well, I've had it. I'll be 39 in July and I've never had love in my life. And I feel so much pressure that I'm going to turn 40 soon and I've achieved nothing and I'm really lonely.

Ok, point of post. Clearly something has to be done. Doctors want to put me on antidepressants-which I understand and think I should try. But I've tried many and they made me feel worse-some have since been discontinued for killing people-ie Serzone. Doctors will want to put me on clonazepam instead of the Xanax-which I understand-I tried it once-made me feel like crap and what I'm really afraid of is the long half life. For both antidepressants and benzos there is a withdrawl. And I've had enough of withdrawl-I'm STILL feel like I'm in methadone withdrawl-but I'm beginning to think it's my natural state. I have reached the end of my strength and don't think I can go through the trying different drugs, blahblah blah, for months, probably making me feel worse-and if one does work, I'll have to go through a horrible withdrawl-which I'll worry about the entire time I'm on it. So what do I do? I've tried prozac-made me feel horrible, I've tried serzone-gave me a migraine for 2 days, I've tried wellbutrin-remember I have anxiety-bad-I can't afford anything that speeds me up-which this did. I refuse to even try effexor after reading about the withdrawl that causes. I tried paxil-made me feel stoned-but in a real bad way. So, do I slowly withdraw off the xanax, .25 for 2 weeks and stay off everything else? Do I try the clonazepam and add untold time to my withdrawl period-that's if it's even strong enough for my anxiety-which I doubt. and if I get off the Xanax-how do I breathe? I've tried deep breathing-I can't seem to do it right or something. I'm fat-don't want to get fatter-these pills do that too. I'm ready to do something desperate. I honestly think changing my environment alone would help, but I'm literally too physically and mentally disabled to do it. I'm constantly in pain, weak, exhausted, brain doesn't work, go from rage, despair-literally can't speak to roomate without snarling. (No other physical problems to account for this-I've been bloodtested to death) I have no friends-when I quit using drugs, I got rid of them and have since made no more. That was years ago. God I sound pathetic-if I even had a bloody friend, it would help. So anyway, what about the meds? Anybody have any suggestions? If I go to the day program at mental health, they'll want to medicate me or they'll call me "non compliant." Sorry for such a negative post-I really want to be an "up" person. I've tried really hard to change my life, but I'm out of strength now. I have no one to call or talk to about this. My parents are no help whatsoever. So, do I try an antidepressant again? Which one? Do I go from xanax to clonazepam? I don't want to be on any pills. I'd like to never have to see a doctor again in my entire life.

[pedagogue]

Welcome to SR. I am glad you found my little corner of the forum.

I think you have made an important step....deciding you need a change. I think a few things need to happen to facilitate this. First off, you need to get your med management figured out. Right now your Xanax is medicating some of the anxieties you are having. If you change this, you need to make sure you have an appropriate alternative coping mechanism i place....bceause when you take out/change the xanax, your body won't know what to do when anxiety comes. (see note below for suggestions) It was also suggested that you take an anti-depressant. It is important to educate yourself about the different types out there. You have mentioned a few 'side effects' that may or may not be applicable to the medication.

Also, to clarify, takig an anti-depressant is not going to make you more likely to kill someone or yourself. The much talked about study focused on the increased presence of suicidal ideations in the test group. The overall 'increase' was not a great deal (over the control group), but it was enough to find a significant finding in their study. No child killed themselves as a result, which was also thought to be true. As for gaining weight....that can be a side effect, though rare (I don't know the prevelance %), but it is best to check with your prescribing doctor...because everyone reacts differently to a medication.

Phew...that was more typing than I thought I'd do.

I wanted to suggest seeing a therapist. They can help you address some of your social anxieties and personal issues you may be having. Through therapy, I think you can start to reconnect to the world. (You found SR, and that is a great start!) Also, you can develop coping mechanisms to better react (and be proactive) to situations that make you uncomfortable.

I need to get going, but I'd like to hear what you think about the above.

-pedagogue

[dmajor7th]

Hi Pedagogue, thanks for replying. When I was talking about Serzone killing people, I meant that it did it by causing liver failure. I've been prescribed 3 different meds (not all antidepressants) that have since been pulled of the shelf for this kind of thing. My point there was that I don't really trust drug companies and I've simply had enough "bad". I don't need any more problems. I need some type of relief soon. Any slight improvement would be good. My post was too long, What I really wanted to know, if anyone has experience with coming off Xanax and clonazepam and which withdrawl is easier to handle. Also, I was considering Zoloft or Lexapro. I had taken celexa before and didn't notice any discomfort taking it-but noticed it in my mood when it stopped. However-the main thing is that it didn't do anything for my depression. Maybe I needed a higher dose. But I gained weight on it. And I'm already 50-60 pounds overweight. The Xanax isn't even working now. Does clonazepam for severe anxiety does it stop that can't breathe feeling without taking handfuls of it a day? Thanks again.
Oh, also, I read lots about being put on clonzepam is the thing to do to get off xanax-the shrink at the time recommended it, but then my GP who I've been seeing for years-he knows all my history said he would not put me on a long acting benzo. This GP has experience in addiction. So with a psychiatrist telling me clonazepam and my GP warning me against it-you can see how that would add to my confusion. Just one more question (sorry) I've heard of people detoxing off Xanax in hospital. I assume that's in the US. I live in Canada, in BC and I don't think they do that here. Does anyone know?

[pedagogue]

I am hesitant to speak about specific information in regard to medication because of the complexities involved. I will however say that your solution may not be just medication, but a combination of medication and therapy. In countless studies, the combination of psychopharmacueticals and therapy have been shown to produce the best outcome for patients.

I will say this about the medications mentioned above....benzos are a slippery slope and must be watched very carefully because of their higher risk of abuse. I would err on the side of caution. (I think it is important to recognize the professional opinion who has experience with addictions. I'm not sure if you have a predispostion for abusing substance, but this is something you need to be aware about)

As for detoxing....take a gander over at the Substance Abuse Forum (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=16), there should be some experiences of people detoxing off of Xanax. I am unsure of canadian policy, but I DO know that there are many people on SR from up there, and they can help you.

-pedagogue

[dmajor7th]

Thanks Again Pedagogue, I think it might be a good idea to try an antidepressant that is used for both depression and anxiety and slowly wean off the xanax. I don't have a penchant for abusing prescribed pills. I stay within my prescribed limit. As for therapy, I totally agree that there would be nothing better than going to a day program with other people who have similiar problems. Just getting out of isolation, I know would be a tremendous help. I phoned mental health on Monday and they never phoned back, so I'll phone again this coming Monday and see if I can get in for an assessment. If I can possibly get off the xanax and stay away from benzos, I would greatly prefer that. I'm quite sure they are making me worse in some ways. My problem is, is that the last time I refused clonazepam at this place-they put me down as non compliant on my file and that is probably being taken into consideration as we speak as they are deciding to take me on again or not. Anyway, I'll try to get in to talk to someone next week.
I'm a little afraid to go out and talk to people because I mix up words and forget common words and I feel that I don't fit in with the regular population-I feel I have nothing in common with them. Plus I've become kind of socially inept being isolated so long. Anyway, upwards and onwards-heh?

[pedagogue]

Keep on them, because it may take a couple phone calls. When you talk to them, write down who you talked to, when you called, and when they will call you back, etc. If they do not call you back by the time agreed upon, call them back with this info...and go from there. If you track this, you should get much quicker help because you can cite specific dates, names, etc.

It may help to talk to your primary doc who first brought up the benzo concern, and see if they can write a quick note in support of this, so if it comes up during your phone conversation you can tell them your doctor advised you about them, etc.

-pedagogue

[dmajor7th]

Will do as you suggest Pedagogue. If I can't get in here, there's nowhere else. As we are divided into areas where we live and you have to go to the one in your area. The only thing with my GP (the one who is against the clonazepam-he worked at the methadone clinic and took me on as GP at his office). So he knows about addiction, but then he did prescribe me xanax while I was on methadone. Which is supposed to be a no no. I didn't know it at the time. Sometimes I feel I know more about all this stuff than they do-remember-I've been isolated with a computer for 10 years-and I like looking things up. So it's hard to know what to do. But anyway, will follow your suggestions and try try again. Thanks so much.

[pedagogue]

Glad I can help.

As a personal aside...I really dislike how Xanax is being prescribed by GP's. It seems to be a catch all drug for people. Xanax is actually the number #1 abused prescription for doctors in recovery. (I have anecdotal research to support also from therapists I know who specialize in substance abuse)

It can be a very effective medication, but it has only been shown to provide clinically significant relief in a much narrower set of circumstances than it is prescribed.

-pedagogue