Say prayers and all

[runningfree]

Greetings...new friends and old friends
It has been a LONG time since I have posted on here. I have been struggling with running and how I have let myself throw away something that I used to love, (hence my name runningfree!) discipline, my own self worth as seen in my eyes and others, a long depression with lots of different medications, AND the challenge that 2 years ago when all the above was just in the beginning I qualified to run the Boston Marathon for this year.

The race is Monday (April 18) and yes it is 26 miles in one day. Based on the above stumbling blocks and walls that I put up I have not run more than 25 miles in 1 week let alone in 1 day. I still plan to be at the start and although my dream was to finish in qualifying time again (under 4hours)3:59:59:59!!!!
I know that it is not possible based on the homework I have not done.

My close friend had some awful news this past year as I struggled with myself. Her 4 year old niece (like a daughter) was found to have a brain tumor. After watching her and her family deal with this awful ordeal now for 6+ months and for the rest of their lives I felt that the running of this pending race just seemed so selfish and meaningless. I have since turned it into a fundraiser and I have earned $1800.00 for the hospital and $400.00 for the family. This has been a nice diversion to block out my own guilt of harping on senseless feelings of self worth that just don't seem to go away.

The event is almost 3 days away and I do know that this could be a very bad run for me based on my training efforts. The scary thought is that I have at times thought that if I die on the course that it would make all my cries to make other's lives better without me and myself not being able to deal with anything a much better way out than another means to rid my family of my negative influence. I feel awful when I get these thoughts of despair and I feel guilty about the guilt that I feel.

In honesty I want to have a good day. In the back of my mind it is a sort of stepping stone to my recovery or a step back depending on the performance that happens. I am not sure why this date is so important or this event is so important, but I must prepare myself for the failure to perform the way I have wanted to. Although I am "tough" on myself I know what is going on around me and I live in a world of lonliness. I can not reach out to anyone that will understand what this run means, how I know that I can't possibly have a good running day if the hauntings of the past year keep coming back.

I have asked very little from others, but please say a prayer from noon-->4:30 for me and the little cherubs that lay in the hospital with no choice to run or not.
Thank you...
I did ask my husband how much life insurance he has on me!
Thank you for your kind thoughts and thanks for listening!