How do I help him?

[spedteach]

Good morning,
Well I am here seeking some advice from you people. My husband, whom I love deeply and want to see happy, is dealing with depression. He's been dealing with this diagnosed for the last 4 years, probably for years prior to this being diagnosed. He is one that reaches to alcohol to help his depression. For almost a year, he was on Zoloft and what a HUGE change that made in him..he was happy, optimisitic and easy going. In January, his script ran out and he had to see the dr. to be re-evaluated and he decided hey, I feel better, I don't need the meds. So yes, he stopped taking them cold turkey (He's done this before but never after almost a year on them with this much success). He started to turn more negative and started saying how much he hates his job..and yes, his boss is aware of his past and has been sympathetic to it as his daughter has similar issues and is unable to keep a job. Anyhow, I could see him sprialing out of control but he did not want to hear any warnings. It started with a beer here or there, then it escalated on Thursday from there...he went out after work and lets just say that he has no memories of how much he drank or the ride home (thankfully someone else drove him home). He was in BAD shape. On Friday, I called into his work (yes, I know the worst codependent thing you can do..but I did and it's done with now). He did drink again on Friday but poured the remainder out on Sat. he's spent the weekend beating himself up for what he did. We have had a talk to go through some issues we have (which I suspect are partly triggering this now) and he assured me that he'd get things straightened out. Well, this morning he called into work again. I do not understand why he isn't going to work. I told him that nicely and he said he tried to talk himself into it all night long but that he just can't do it. Something in his head and he can not get the energy to go to work. He did call in, he knows I'm not happy about it as I fear he'll lose his job and we can not finanically afford to live on just my income. This makes me upset because I know that his mental health is the most important thing right now...I want to be supportive of him and I want to understand, but I am also concerned. He is calling his boss today and hopefully, by the grace of God, his boss will continue to be understanding that this is a small step back and that this will turn around (it's been over a year since he's missed work due to his depression)..time will tell. He tells me that he can't handle the pressures and stress of his job (he works in an engineering company as a designer) and frankly, I don't understand and I'm sure it's because I don't have depression at all. I know that the drinking will take care of itself because once he's on the meds, he doesn't even have the desire to drink, it's when he's off the meds that he has the desire (at least that's what he says). He is making an appointment today with his drs to get back on meds and hopefully into counseling. Given his childhood traumas, it's amazing he can function and I must note, he's a WONDERFUL dad and husband when he's not in his depression. Not that he's not a great person when he is, he just doesn't do anything and it's a very stressful time. I guess the good thing is he's doing something proactive quickly now where in the past, he'd have let things go on for a longer period of time before he did anything.

From those of you that have been in his shoes, what can I do to help him? I want to be supportive of him, but I don't want to over do it and be too pushy..

Thanks in advance!

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by spedteach

He is making an appointment today with his drs to get back on meds and hopefully into counseling. Given his childhood traumas, it's amazing he can function and I must note, he's a WONDERFUL dad and husband when he's not in his depression.

From those of you that have been in his shoes, what can I do to help him? I want to be supportive of him, but I don't want to over do it and be too pushy..

Thanks in advance!

I think he is headed in the right direction, but he will need your support now more than ever. I think it is very important that he get back on medication AND seek therapy. It has been proven in a number of studies that medication + therapy is more effective, especially in cases of MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) I think one of the most important areas he needs to work on (in therapy) is his coping techniques. His prior methods (alcohol, avoidance) have caused problems and are detrimental in the long term. I also think that therapy might open up the door for some of his deeper issues (the trauma you alluded to).

Depression can silently cripple an otherwise happy and healthy person. One of the largest problems involving depression is the stigma that some people still attach to it. Having a boss who understands some of the associated issues/consequences of depression, is definately a good thing. (Many times this understanding is not present in the workplace.)

Another problem with depression is the inexact nature with which the depression functions. Everything works on a sliding scale and not in easily definable measures. Your husband probably has a hard time expressing how he is feeling, and it is frustrating. Education is one of the best ways to get a better perspective on the condition and the related feelings.

I think your husband will be looking to 'get back to normal'. One pitfall to watch out for is his 'initial recovery' because of getting back on the medication. He might want to skip out on the therapy.....but with what I have read, he really would benefit from it. Medication can really be a life-saver to people who suffer from MDD, however there are still issues that must be dealt with once you clear the fog of the depression. (this is where therapy comes in)

I think the best course of action is as follows:

1. Be there (he will need support...even if he doesn't show it at first)
2. Educate. Information is power. (You both have a new hobby....learning as much as your can about depression)
3. Understand that he won't magically recover over night. It is a marathon and not a sprint.
4. Don't ignore yourself. Many times people with throw themselves into their partner's recovery. You need to be present, but not at the cost of yourself. Some things your husband must tackle on his own. He may not be comfortable talking about everything with you, but it is important that you are available, ESPECIALLY when he wants to talk.

Please let us know how it goes! Also, take a look around SR, because there are some great resources available (both members and previous posts)

-pedagogue

[spedteach]

Thanks for the input. I'm one of those people that doesn't like to sit and do nothing. I can read and learn a lot..that's fine with me. I do want to be supportive of him but have definitely learned over the years not to neglect me It won't do either of us good if I do that! He knows that I'm here for him through good and bad times and that I do give him the "push" he needs from time to time.

The good news is that he is going to the drs at 3 today and he's open to whatever the dr. decides..meds and therapy. Not excited about the tough stuff with therapy, but willing to do it. His boss was wonderful on the phone, talked to him and asked what he thinks caused this to happen, he asked if there was anything he could do to help him get through this, to help us get through this, the boss made some nice comments about what a good worker he is and that he did notice he has seemed a bit "distant and moody" lately. He asked about meds and therapy and again, offered support there. He told my husband to call him tomorrow and they'd talk more...doesn't sound like he'll lose his job..but I guess we won't know for sure until tomorrow!

Thanks again and one more question, any idea where I might find good reading on depression???


Thanks

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by spedteach

...any idea where I might find good reading on depression???


Thanks

I Don't Want To Talk About It is an excellent book about male depression. It isn't really a self-help book per se, but more of an exploration into male depression and some of the paradoxes that surround being male and dealing with the disorder.

I first read the book 5-6 years ago and I remember it providing a really unique insight into the world of male depression. I read it again a year ago when I found it after a move.

Let me poke around my book collection and see if there are any other books that may be of interest. Most of my reading as of late has been on trauma and eating disorders....but I know I've read some good books awhile back on depression.

-pedagogue