self investigation...illness or practical?

[historyteach]

I'm investigating something in myself here. And I'm not sure what to think. So, I decided to come here, lay it out and ask your thoughts.

I had a very difficult situation at school last week. A girl threatened to bring a gun in and kill another. The school police officer was away at a conference, and the administration did nothing. The girl was in school - with the girl she threatened to kill.
Long story short, I fought for two days. The VP asked me to continue fighting.Then, the stress was too much. I went to my doc and got some time off. The principal was mad at me; he said I was overreacting. He allowed her back to classes. I refused her entrance to my class, and suggested the others on our team do the same.
This is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm smoking up a storm. I'm not sleeping through the night. I'm "ruminating" about what happened and what could have happened. I'm crying a lot. I'm forgetful. Feeling overwhelmed and have lots of nervous energy. I also have a very tight throat - my version of panic attack.
Since then, the school police officer has arrested the girl, once he returned and investigated and found it to be a credible threat. He arrested a boy involvolved too. I was unaware of that until my colleague emailed me to tell me!
I don't feel safe. Bottom line. I don't trust the administration to do the right thing. This was such a no brainer, and they did nothing! I was told I was overreacting!
Evidently, the cop didn't think so!

Now, I've gone to my old counselor as a result of this stress. Years ago, I was very depressed, and wanted to die as a result of my son's addiction and so very much more. I was in the middle of a divorce too. I was hospitalized. Put on massive drugs. Was told to seek disability as a result of my depression. They also thought I was bipolar. I rejected that thought, even though I accepted that I was depressed. I had worked with bipolar kids, and didn't believe that was me.
Well, I took all my drugs, and handed them to my regular doc. From that point on, I started recovery. I've been working and healthy for 5 years.
However, the counselor wanted me to tell my doc about the possibility of bipolar. She said, since its springtime, and many bipolar people have extreme reactions during this time of year, she wanted him to consider the possibility. I told him; haven't heard anything yet.
I still reject the idea. I think the circumstances under which I was fighting an unresponsive system to a clear and credible threat is the cause of my anxiety.
However, another friend on another forum introduced the idea of PTSD. For whatever reason, that resonated with me. It's only been a few weeks since the Indian school massacre, and no one can forget Columbine. Although nothing DID happen at my school, it was clear it very well COULD have happened. And the administration took no action! That lack of action is what set me off. I know I am very shaken right now.
I am on welbutrin - supposedly to help stop smoking. LOL!
I have a script of 1/4 mg xanax for the anxiety. It takes the edge off, and it's to be taken only when I need it. I've taken one each day since this happened.

I know none of you are doctors. Or, at least I don't think you are! But, as patients, we can learn alot! So, I'm asking you to share your thoughts.
Thanks for listening.
Shalom!

[pedagogue]

I just popped in to check my PM's and I saw your thread.

When I get back home I"ll give you my $0.02, when I have more time to respond.

-pedagogue

[historyteach]

OK, Ped...
Listening here....
Shalom!

[Dawn10]

Teach,

I am betting that the families of those students killed at Columbine and out west are wishing they had a teacher willing to do what you did.
You have every right to feel lack of trust. You have every right to feel angry. Take the steps you need to to be well and safe and do not second guess anything you said or did. You did a good thing. If only the parents of your students knew, they would be throwing a parade in your honor.
Dawn

[historyteach]

(((Dawn)))
OMG!! :
Thank you...so very, very much...
Shalom!

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by historyteach

I don't feel safe. Bottom line. I don't trust the administration to do the right thing. This was such a no brainer, and they did nothing! I was told I was overreacting! Evidently, the cop didn't think so!

I still reject the idea. [in regard to bi-polar playing a role] I think the circumstances under which I was fighting an unresponsive system to a clear and credible threat is the cause of my anxiety.

...it was clear it very well COULD have happened. And the administration took no action! That lack of action is what set me off. I know I am very shaken right now.

If you don't feel safe, you should go straight to the school board union and file a complaint. The good/bad thing about the teacher's union...is that they do not screw around. You have a valid complaint (not feeling safe) because the administration failed to take appropriate action (especially considering the police's decision). You have every right to make alot of noise and hopefully bring a mutually acceptable resolution to the situation. This isn't about money, vacation, etc...this is about the safety of the teachers and the students.

As an aside....there is a HUGE need for more non-violence education to be done in the school systems, but for a variety of reasons...it has not happened. Children of today have many more demons to deal with, and unfortunately are not receiving enough support to deal with it adequately.

-pedagogue

ps. As for the bi-polar symptoms....I have a hunch that if you relieve the additional environmental stress, and the related anxiety.....the symptoms will probably subside.

Teach,

I just went through a similar incident and had to quit my part time job. It was the actions of the police that caused my stress reaction, but it threw me into that anxiety that doesn't go away. Kind of like feeling that you were just really startled by something except it doesn't go away when you know you're safe.

I worked in a group home and the girls would sneak in and call the police without us knowing it. The police would barge into the house and draw their guns on us and make us put our hands up and go outside. They kept telling us how they would shoot us if we had a knife or a broom stick. They drew their gun on one of the ladies who had a fork and said they would shoot her if she didn't put it down.

The stress got to me and I had to quit. We are already stressed to the max with what we have to deal with on a daily basis. Stress like this is enough to break the camel's back and put us over the top. I too was in a situation where the police department wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't change their procedure even though they knew it was a group home for mentally retarded adults.

It took me about 3 weeks to calm down after the last time it happened and I quit my job. I think what you're feeling is normal for those of us who already have a lot of stress in our lives. It's the fight or flight mode that doesn't go away right away.

Hugs,
MG

[historyteach]

Ped;
I went to the union delegate. He called the principal and asked what was happening. That was the end. I probably should start a grievance, go over his head. The truth is our union is weak. But, you're right; it was indeed a workplace safty issue.
MG;
Your post resonated with me. The kind of anxiety that doesn't go away, even when you know you're safe; the fight or flight mode that is "stuck" to so speak. That's what this is. It's what I'm feeling.
I am in total amazement that the police act in such a manner at a group home for mentally retarded adults! Sounds like it is only a matter of time before something tragic happens! I'm sorry you had to leave your job. But, I can fully understand your decision too!
Yes, there is only so much stress that a person can take. And mine went into overload, I think. Ped, thanks for the observation about the symptoms related to the stressors. I think you're right there, too.

My doctor called me this afternoon. I had given him a report after speaking to my counselor and old career counselor. The jist of it is the above information that I gave you and, that I've decided that I cannot stay at my job. I've developed a plan to apply for a new school opening in Providence next year; it's a private Jewish Day School. The pay will be less; I have to determine if I can live on the pay. But, I know I cannot stay working for this administration. I spoke to a friend whose on the board of this up and coming school; he told me where to apply. SO, I'll do that this week.
I've also, with the help of my old career counselor, developed a five point plan to give to the school improvement team. It's a system analysis of the breakdown of the security at the school.
My doc asked me if I felt safe going back now that the girl was gone. He was willing to sign me out for longer. But, I do feel better knowing these two kids are gone. Still a bit shakey, because I know now that I can't trust the admin to do the right thing. Anything could have happened. But, I can't run from school; from my students. He said if anything changes, or if I don't feel good, that I should call him again. He's the BEST!!!

So, thanks for your responses. I feel better getting some feedback too, from you folks. That, and the plan developed which gives me something to focus on in a positive manner. Still having trouble sleeping through the night, as evidenced by the time I posted this, (lol), but, I suppose that will even itself out in time too. If not, I'll call my doc again, and see what he says.
Thanks for listening! SR is just one great place to be!!!
Shalom!

[lionesscc]

Teach.....You must remember to follow that intuition of yours. Shame on the adminstration for taking no action. I pray it does not come back to haunt them. It would seem that not having the support of your leaders is very unsettling, most definately in this type of a situation. In years past..I worked at a High School and any such talk was immediately dealt with in a very serious manner.

I applaud that you have taken the steps to address your concerns and stress around this matter.

As you know, once you reflect down the road...you will probably know you took the right steps...

Take Care,.
Lionesscc

[historyteach]

Thanks, Lionesscc;
It should be dealt with in a serious manner. I'm glad to hear that it DOES in some places. That the entire system is not broken.
Whether I did the right thing is debatable, I guess. Yes, it was right for ME. And I do matter, I understand. But, what I actually did was run....
Thanks for the input all of you.
Today I returned to school. I felt better.
One of my students had a brother that was murdered this past weekend. I saw it on the news, but, since they have different names, I didn't put the two together. She was in school today... It's just amazing...They are living in a war zone, and we want them to learn English, history, math and science....It's really just amazing....I don't know how they do it...She's in the 7th grade...
Shalom!

[Live]

Teach,

Not much I can say here that others haven't said better. But definitely, with the stress in your personal life, you sure as hell don't need a workplace environment that is scary/crazy/threatening on top of it.
We are humans and these things certainly do effect our well-being. If it didn't effect us, we would be sociopaths or something, y'know?
AS to being a quitter? STOP IT!!!! How many times have we told others to leave an abusive personal/home situation. You are a great teacher, you have done everything you could and gone the extra miles always.
And I love your action oriented approach.
I have an idea that the change of schools could turn out to be an incredible blessing, for you, the school, and your grateful proteges.
Teachers have one of the most important jobs in the world.
As an aside, those poor kids, I don't know how they do it either. It leaves me speechless.
hugs,
live