Lonely and crying spells

[shutterbug]

Any suggestions for one of the saddest and loneliest persons in the world right now?

I have little to look forward to and even though I'm around people...i really have no one talk to and hug.

And for the first time in my life, I'm having complete and total break down crying spells for no real reasons. this is my second major depressive episode, but i dont remember it being quite this hard the first time around when I was in college. i've been going throught the depression for more than 6 months now and am afraid i'm going to do something stupid if things don't change somehow (like I'm thinking of calling up my ex-abusive alcoholic just to have a few moments of happiness and feeling loved).

help,
Jenna

[splendra]

(((((shutterbug)))))

Sorry to hear you feel so sad and alone. You got us don't forget!!! We love you!

[Wolfstarr]

((((shutterbug))))

Hi Jenna...here I am again,up at this ungodly hour of 3am...reading your post.
I sure have been there, and probably will be again sooner or later. Sorry for your sadness, try to accept and flow with it...sometimes I find that helps, but as always, easier said than done.
Prayers and good healing thoughts sent to you, from me, with genuine love.

[pedagogue]

We are here for you Jenna. Please do not do anything stupid that you will regret.

I am always available PM if you need someone to talk to.

-pedagogue

[frankly]

Jenna - I've been where you are at. It was so bad at times that I even questioned weather or not it was worth going through the hell without my A. I kinda weighed the fact that at least I could deal with his addiction better than what I was feeling. It's not easy is it? I would go so far as to say that at one point I thought I had lost all sense of what normal should even feel like. Felt dis-connected from the whole world. I don't know the answers, I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are feeling.

Hugs and Prayers
B

Jenna,

Hang in there. I was lonely and depressed for many years. I cried every day and pretty much lost hope of ever feeling better. I am better now and I'm not lonely any more even though I'm alone. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

There are answers that you haven't found yet. I have so much hope for you that you'll find them. Don't give up before the miracle.

Hugs,
MG

[kpdaddy]

hi MG, and all. my daughter and i were just sitting here reading your comments, and she very much related to your stories. we have a question for you... what did you do to get through those trying times? thank you.

ken and cindy

Hi Ken and Cindy.

Welcome to the forum.

I did everything wrong for many years. I was very young and clung onto dysfunctional relationships. That just made things worse. I also had PTSD, which made things much worse. I'm also older and there wasn't much treatment then.

Looking back and knowing what I know now I can see that there were some things that helped.

I had two small children to raise by myself. There was no way I could stop and give into my depression. I had to keep going no matter how I felt. I always felt better when I was working. I would have to hold in the tears a lot, but I worked just the same. I think that was very good for me and kept me from isolation.

Helping someone else always helped me forget myself and my own problems temporarily.

I really started feeling better when I started taking responsibility for my own emotions and realized it was something from within me that needed to be healed and nothing outside of myself was going to make it better. That is the first step that I remember. I began seeing my own character defects and wanted to live my life differently. I couldn't do it, but I kept moving forward.

I had faith in God and clung on to him. With his help I discovered all the hidden reasons for my depression and emotional pain. Once I understood what was causing my pain the pain went away. I always projected my pain on present problems with relationships and family. It turned out to be pain that I had been carrying around from my childhood.

There is treatment and therapy now. They've come a long way since I went through my depression.

I've also experienced another kind of depression. The kind I've described and then there is the depression that needs to be treated with medication. My experience with this kind of depression is that it's not really caused by circumstances or emotional pain, but more of a physical depression. An anti-depressant cleared that up for me. The symptoms of this kind of depression were no energy, a feeling that there is no reason to keep going, no motivation, wanting to do things, but can't muster up the energy, lack of interests, isolation, irritable etc...It did not have emotional pain or crying with it. I was able to clear that up right away with medication.

I have not experienced depression from bi-polar disorder, which can be trickier because of mood changes and the need for medication changes with different cycles.

I think we all need to accomplish something in our lives on a regular basis. Accomplishments help build our self esteem and self esteem helps us out of depression. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be cleaning the house or doing the yard work. Taking a class in school that you enjoy. Learning how to repair something. Sewing, recovering a chair, painting your bedroom, moving the furniture, learning something new, building a wall, volunteering at a hospital, taking a defense class and so on. Accomplish something.

Hugs,
MG

[liveweyerd]

Jenna,

Honest to God, at those moments, the best I could do was look back and see "how many lives I had lived", how impermanent are the passages, and how in one, I could never have foreseen or even imagined the next. And an old joke with myself about, well, if it comes down to that, bad enough, I can always run away and join the circus.
So, I waited for the changes to come as they inevitably do. I admit I was too passive. But when I got on the right meds, that fixed that. For one moment in my life I have and had never imagined myself on a 6 month sabbatical in Argentina below the Tropic of ???Cancer/Capricorn (both and the equator too!) This was not in my script of possibilities. I knew poverty. I knew depression. I knew shame. I knew all the constrictions. And, by God, I still do. I am SCARED of going to work in Texas all by myself. I don't have the money to even set myself up there. I am scared of failing at the job, being in over my head. Freaking SCARED!!! And it is going to be lonely.
But, dear loved Jenna, the only constant in life is FLUX. That things change. I am not counting how many years I was in the pit of despair. Too damned many. But that is where I was and it makes me who I am today.
Determined to squeeze the life of out today and tomorrow. When I can.
And my evil grin at my mottos (amongst many)...living well is the best revenge.
And THOSE others watching it/seeing it is second.
And when I can't the AA.....fake it 'til you make it.
And when that is too too too much, screw you if you can't take a joke...I huddle in my nice warm bed, get all stinky and read books.
I am not in the military. And if I got messes and piles, they are mine and I will get to them when I am damned good and ready.
If I want to talk to someone I don't trust myself with. I can e-mail. And then again, I can ignore e-mail. Or let the phone ring.
The more selfish I become, the more compassionate I become. But it is all at my own rate and time.
And I don't put myself on the cross anymore.
Not for nobody. Not even me.
Remember "En Vogue"? You got to learn how to see me before you can read me!
Free your mind and the rest will follow!
Who has walked in your shoes? Or mine?
The universal salute!
Ignorance knows no bounds. But that ain't my problem, baby, and that ain't yours.
F'em if they can't take a joke.
Take care of YOU. And only YOU will know what that means to you today.
And ps, do NOT deny yourself of comforts. I tried aesthiticism. Read and read and read on it. Where the sun doesn't shine! We all need, again, in song, somebody to lean on. Science says.....we NEED human warmth.
Just remember that little hint I gave you.....if you get within 10 feet of anyone,
ANYONE, put on a warm smile and say "Hi, how are you?" I can't tell you how greatly that affects others perception of you. They have been waiting all their life for someone to ask that and mean it.
A lesson I learned this "Sabbath for me" from Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet" from the section on talking. Some talk because they have no stillness in their heart. If you can listen to them with the compassion that they speak out of need, you and I will have gained a great thing. And be endeared by many.
Love you, with warmth, humor, hugs and spunk,
live/Tena

[shutterbug]

thanks everyone. I'm still feeling exhausted so this is going to be short.

MG thanks so much...you nailed my depression on the head! All those things in more are how i'm feeling. I'm medicated and have been for some time...so this just hit me out of nowhere.

Live... dearest Live, you make me smile! Need a room mate in Texas?

Love and hugs,
Jenna

[english_peach]

I can identify with running to the alcoholic for comfort. And THEN feeling even worse because he can't give it!

*hugs* I understand.

[shutterbug]

my alcoholic started calling me out of the blue and saying sweet things that I don't put much stock in, but that made me feel good for the moment. God sure does work in mysterious ways.

OH, buy the way...I lost my job today. oh well, whatever will be will be.

[liveweyerd]

Is there a tiny sense of relief? That job was a dreadful situation for you and your health.
Their loss.

love,
live

[pedagogue]

Agreed. Their loss.

Now you will be forced to concentrate on a very important topic....YOU!

Don't be a stranger!

-pedagogue

[Wolfstarr]

Shutterbug...I repeat what Live did...tiny relief? Absolutely their loss.
We're with you... Keep the focus on you and know we love you.
You are in my thoughts every day.
Wolfstarr

[shutterbug]

It was a tiny relief, but a very scary one. I'm scared out of my wits about finding another job and having to move with no money to move on and no energy because of the depression. Very scared. And very angry.

Thanks you guys, your thoughts are a comfort during this time of crisis for me.

Jenna

[liveweyerd]

I really really understand, Jenna. I think I have a new project lined up, but not the money to set myself up in a new city. Deposits, rent etc. It is scary.
Hugs for both of us!
live

[DesertEyes]

Hey there shutterbug :-)

Have a big ol' (((HUG))) just cuz. This last January I moved to a new town. No money, no friends, just recovering from a heart attack, _bad_ depression, getting divorced after 19yrs. No place to live. All I had was my pickup, clothes and what I could fit in the back.

Very first thing I did was show up at a 12 step meeting and shared.

Ok, I cried. A lot. Then I shared. In the space of that one meeting I made a roomful of friends. They told me where the cheap apartments were, and which ones to avoid. They told me which grocery stores were cheaper, they told me where I could find work, they offered me furniture and clothes, offered to help move the rest of my stuff back in my home town. They gave me their phone numbers and answered me when I called. There were times when I just stared at the second hand of the clock, telling myself I will just live this one more minute before I give up. And when the minute was over, I tried another minute.

It's only been a few months, but I have a ton of friends now. _real_ friends. A nice little apartment behind the salvation army (emphasis on the _little_ :-) A job. The depression is nowhere near as bad, and although I still have a long road to go, I can feel now that it's possible. Now _I_ am helping other people who are just coming into the program. Not with any wisdom, as I know next to nothing about how this Al-Anon thing works, but just by being there. One guy I helped him fix the wiring in his house. Another guy we go out to lunch and I just listen to him tell me about the problems he's having find work. Another guy tells me about his fears about his health.

I know how incredibly empty and terrifying it can be. I also know that I was never alone. My HP was right there with me all the time. I also know that I have a friend that will never betray me, never intentionally hurt me, never abandon me. He may not be the smartest dude around, but he will always be loyal to me. That friend is _me_.

You're not alone either shutterbug. In all sorts of places all over the world _right now_ there's people having meetings, and they're praying for _you_. Your HP is right there with you, and if you show up at a meeting, you'll have a ton of instant friends.

Hang in there, one day at a time. One minute at a time. You will make it, and you will have a life that is happy, joyous and free. All you have to do is not give up.

Mike :-)

[shutterbug]

Live, yes giant hugs for both of us. It seems like we keep kinda going through the same things together. I'm sure glad to have you as a friend.

Mike, I've tried Alanon and they are a great group of people, but since I split with my alcoholic the meetings make me sad - really sad. Everyone talking about their problems of living with alcoholism and I sit there thinking...well at least they have someone. I have no one. My ex calling me is a pause in my misery, but I know he will never be there for me or be able to love me. So yeah, it's really not much comfort except in knowing that someone I truely love is thinking about me and wondering how I'm doing.

You have had it rough. I can relate. My mom told me last night that I will probably have to move out of the house I've been renting from her (well actually, I haven't been able to pay rent and they've been really good to me for letting me stay there this long).

I just hate being so darn scared. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I could handle just about anything, but yet I still cry and have pity party's for myself. My only comfort right now is the thought of suing my employer and showing them that they were wrong (in all their vast and uncompasionate wisdom - HA). I'm not normally a revengeful person, but these people have treated me like dirt and I'm going to get them back with ever letter of the law I can find. Sorry....my angry soap box.

Got to go for now, but thanks for sharing you story. It makes me feel just a tad bit stronger for the moment.

Jenna

[DesertEyes]

>>... I've tried Alanon and they are a great group of people, but since I split with my alcoholic the meetings make me sad - really sad.

hmmmm.... meetings are not supposed to make you feel sad. They're supposed to make you feel hopeful. There's supposed to be people there who have survived and overcome the challenges of life and share with you how they managed. If I may suggest that perhaps you may want to shop around for a better meeting.

>>... ...well at least they have someone. I have no one.

Someone to do _what_ ? Someone to abuse you emotionally ? Make you feel worthless ? Take away your dignity ?

I'd take my wife back in a minute. But I'm not taking back the disease. Without her disease I have a chance at feeling better and eventually living happy, joyous and free. By working my program I get rid of _my_ disease, and that increases _her_ chances of recovery.

>>.... My ex calling me is a pause in my misery,

Ok, so who are _you_ calling ? Are you calling your sponsor ? Meeting with your sponsor once a week to work on the steps. ? Are you calling the newcomers to help them feel welcomed ? Do you PM people who are in greater pain than you and offer to listen to them and validate them ? I don't wait for people to call me and help me deal with my life. I call _them_ and as a result of doing that _I_ feel better.

>>... but yet I still cry and have pity party's for myself.

So do I :-) I've learned that there is a difference between crying from grief at what I have lost, crying from depression caused by all the chemicals in my body being out of sync, and crying over self-pity. The first two are normal and an important part of healing. Self-pity is a warning sign that I am not working my program and need to take action to solve that.

>>..... these people have treated me like dirt

See, you _are_ getting better. You just said that you deserve better treatment, sounds to me like you got a bit of positive self-esteem going there. I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

Mike :-)

[shutterbug]

Thanks Mike, you are right. I have been going to the Alanon meetings and not sharing MY story. Maybe if I do that then I can get the support I need instead of leaving and feeling more empty.

It's hard though, damn hard.
I'm really struggling and I just don't know how to really help myself. But I will go to a meeting and call my sponsor and we'll just see where that leads. I guess you never know. Maybe someone will have a job opening and they can put me to work.

Although, It's been tempting to me to stay off work and apply for SS becasue I would make more money on SS and working part-time like they allow you to do, then I can make full-time at a job I hate. But then I think I would get too bored waiting on SS. Not sure. what to do there. It makes me sick at my stomach just thinking about it. I guess because it's all long term and I can't make any decisions about what to do short term. Short term is in caios. But I'm feeling good enough today that I know I will make it through some how.

Hugs back,
Jenna

[DesertEyes]

>> ... I have been going to the Alanon meetings and not sharing MY story. Maybe if I do that then I can get the support I need instead of leaving and feeling more empty.

Go for it!

>> ... It's hard though, damn hard.

Ok, I don't know what it's like for you. But for me it's not hard. It's a )(*(*&& nightmare. It's the worst I've felt since I was a kid getting beat up and raped by my own biological parents. My health sucks and is getting worse. My hormones keep going out of whack and I get these _deep_ depressions out of nowhere. My energy level is slowly going down, and I'm losing the ability to get out and go to meetings after work. I'm completely _exhausted_ every day, all day long, and all I want to do is lie down and give it up. I've got piles of major decisions to do, including things like whether I want to have various organs removed in order to save my heart, and live 4-5 years hooked up to a machine, or just hang in there as long as I can and _not_ go on a machine but be able to get and about at least a little bit.

I know my choice. It's fight this disease or push up daisies. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to let the disease of alcoholism win. It has ruined the lives of pretty much everybody in my biological family, and is currently doing it's damage to my wife. I'm going to stick it out and see just how wrong these doctors can be.

>> ... I'm really struggling and I just don't know how to really help myself...

Yeah, I know how that feels. I get this "floating" feeling like I'm way out in space a million miles into nowhere. You know what, you _already_ helped yourself. You posted here :-) You are angry at the way people have treated you. Maybe you can't tell, but I can tell that you are already heading in the right direction.

>> ... But I'm feeling good enough today that I know I will make it through some how.

That's all you have to do. If you just focus on what's directly in front of you, even if it's just _one minute_ at a time, then you will make it. Just keep working on the minute you are in, and all the rest of the minutes will take care of themselves. That's the way I do it when I'm in my worst pits, and it works for me.

Mike :-)