Hi...and thanks for asking

[liveweyerd]

Today I am feeling really good.
I realized a couple of days ago that I had pulled a real DUH!
I had really screwed up my meds. In all the hullabaloo over getting to Buenos Aires and thinking I would be there two days, not 5..I left having run out of my trazadone which is one of my anti-depressants. Then yesterday, I remembered that the pharmacy had given me 10mg tabs of lexapro because they did not carry the 20 mg I am prescribed. So for 2 weeks or more I had been taking half dosage.
Having refilled the trazadone and remembering to take 2 of the lexapro, I am bouncing back pretty quickly. Whew and thank you.

The anxiety I was feeling about my PTSD reaction to being around drinking has just been relieved ....because a couple of days ago my bf announced that he had decided to stop drinking beer (he is not an A, but I get panicky anyway being around any of the people, places, things.) The beauty is, he told me clearly he was not doing this for me altho' I am a consideration, there were many considerations and after thinking about it he had decided to call it clean quits for himself and his own reasons., of which there are many, some he discussed with me and some he did not. So, now, I am not freaking out about living with him while looking for employment.

I am scared about that. My last project was a failure. and harmful to me. A horrible environment.....to call it office politics is an understatement...the sharks nibbled on me everyday, and it put me in an environment where there was a lot of drinking. And a very toxic A woman who had it in for me. Gives me the shivers.
But my sis who is in the same field seems optimistic that I will find something and I will apply for a different position where I work in the field more and am not cooped up in an office (I hate that) and not be under that kind of scrutiny and pressure. I do my work, I turn it in. I will take all the good vibes and prayers about this I can solicit.! I had been out of the field for many years and do not feel enough confidence about my work, tho' my head knows I can do it. And that my work will be better without the toxic environment.

Being broke and unemployed is not acceptable to me. And I am not comfortable being supported financially by my bf. Besides, I make more money and money does not buy happiness but it can make troubles alot easier and it can buy fun and adventures. Struggling with poverty is something I have had my fill of. Don't want any more of it.

This time I will spend less and save more. I want to buy my own little rustic cabin and pay it off so that I never have that fear of being homeless again.
That kind of security, I can buy. And it will give me alot of peace. I will always have my own place to go to.

I had nightmares last night about losing the lease back in Indiana where I had a remodeled mobile home. That no one would watch over while I was gone and everything was destroyed. Lost it all. No, not all, but alot. All my furniture is stored at my daughters. But I paid someone to dismantle and salvage it and all they did was have a drugged up wrecking party and left a mess. Several things about that bother me. Things like a refrigerator just thrown out in the yard etc, things that other people might need. And my own treasures ruined by a leak in the roof so that everything became moldy, sodden and rotted. Last night I dreamed about being pissed off about that. AND the place wasn't even paid off. I still owe my folks and the way I lost my lease was just plain WRONG.
Ah, well, the dreaming is the processing.
And, one moves on.

But it is VERY important to me that living with someone is out of pure choice and not of need.

[pedagogue]

One day at a time.

I am happy that your b/f has decided to stop drinking. A word of caution....he might not stick with it, and/or he might not make it through the first time. Even though he might not be an alcoholic.....the change of NOT drinking will effect his daily interactions, so that will be an adjustment.

I've gotta run, but keep us updated!

-pedagogue

[shutterbug]

Hi Live, sorry to hear about your meds, but glad to hear about your bf....by Peda is right...don't be surprized if he goes back to it or there is an adjustment to be made. I know how smart you are and that you already know these things, but that's all I know to tell you. I think the scary part is that you will probably feel like your on the look out for a fall and wondering when and if it will happen.

keep us posted and it is good to hear from you!

[liveweyerd]

I know that there will be some awkward moments and there will be times when he does have a beer with buddies, look at me ....how hard it is to change habits, even when I want to very much. But I do have strong belief in him, that in order for us to have what we want, he will and wants to change his lifestyle, the one where when someone drops by and says hey, ya gotta beer, he sits down and has 2 or 3 with them. And he KNOWS I am not going to live like that. And I KNOW the relationship is more important to him than that. If I didn't trust him or believe in him, I would not be planning any kind of future with him, y'know.
Like Eric Clapton says "I've had enough of bad love". If it isn't good for me, I'll be "having leaving on my mind"

live