Help! Can he ever love???? or get help?.

[dejah]

Hi, I'm new to this forum..I see there are a few postings about sociopaths BUT I read some and my story/experience is a little different. I'm confuse!! I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 yrs. mainly in a long distance relationship. Two years ago I started finding out a lot of disturbing things about him. He's a sex addict in every sense of the word, from one night stands to prostitutes etc. He's VERY loving "or pretend to be". He was in a relationship with another girl for about two years unkown to me for quite sometime, but even though they lived in the same community he kept sleeping around with several ppl.

One night he broke down and told me that he was raped at the age of nine by his mother's boyfriend at the time, from his description the experience was traumatic, yet he found himself in two other similar situations i.e running away and living with a man who tried to have an affair with him "which I think took place to some degree but he couldn't bring himself to accept it". He said he hated ALL people for quiet sometime, had no feelings and could careless. Yet he kept saying I'm the only woman he's ever loved.

I've cried repeatedly about the hurt that he's caused by all the affairs etc, he would stay on the phone with me for hours at a time, apologizing, always talking calm, telling me he's gonna be the one to help me through the pain etc, then he'll turn around and cheat again!! At one time he said when he's having sex it takes him away to another place. It seems like that's the only time he "feels"...He's very handsome so most of his victims are willing, he's very gentle and pursuasive. I got in touch with some of the women he sleeps with and they would all tell me that in the initial stage of the relationship he would say how hurt he was about me fussing at him or leaving him to the point of tears and told me they comforted him. He tatoo my name on his chest....I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM!! I am now pregnant and his getting ready to have is baby in another 3 and a half months. Sometimes I think of changing my number and taking off with the baby etc. I'm afraid that his emotional abuse will get worse. He says remorseful words, but his actions doesn't back it up. I can call him any time of the day or night and he'll talk to me, he'll sing to me, select special songs etc..ALL the loving things that a woman could ask for, but I think he's having problems with his sexuality, along with his inability to really feel.

He pretends!! but say I know him better than anyone, but me knowing more about him isn't helping our relationship. Each woman he meets have a different story about how much he owns or how he use to live, example, he'll tell one he was a teacher, another that he was a soldier, that he owns several vehicles etc, but lost them due to this or that. He never lied to me about those things, but I realize he has low-self esteem....he's 23 and I'm wondering if he can be helped or is it too late? I don't know which way to turn...his mother lived like a prostitute changing men after men, so he has little trust in women though he treat all the women he come across like they are queens! though he speaks of his mom with disgust....very mixed up situation. He's expressed having gay feelings before as well, YET is adamant that he wants to be with women and he's no longer curious about being with men. At age 16 he followed a friend to pick up someone from the airport. turned out to be two gay tourist. THe man that was supposedly a friend who drove pulled off the road and they held him down, two of them pinning his arms while one gave him a blow job until he ejaculated and told him "see, that's only the beginning of what there is to come and you're gay or else you wouldn't ***"...I think these thoughts haunt him and he's just living for himself!! He said he always have to have a woman in his bed, he's afraid of being alone because many things goes on in his head, it's like the walls are caving in on him. Outside he's ALWAYS happy, laughing, smiling at party's, in the mix of things...always surrounded by friends, ppl gravitate to him....he's always playing music and like to entertain others.

....sorry for the lengthy post, but I'm feeling my baby moving and I'm confuse I'm afraid and uncertain of whether or not he'll be a good father etc....I read a lot on sociopaths and some descriptions fit him. I got so angry two weeks ago that I went to his home, he ran because he thought I had persons in the car to attack him etc "car's tinted"...I used a baseball bat & broke some of his belongings after finding out that some girl was staying there on the weekends etc. He came out of hiding in the yard "it was night' and held me from behind,asking why I did what I did, I could tell he was furious though still calm, I was going to physically hurt him, but turn to the furnishings instead out of frustration I know that he's mentally ill, what gets me is the way he professes his love constantly, while he's doing things that are tearing me apart.When the police came he was calm and told them he didn't want to press charges on me because he loved me....couple days later it was valentine, he wrote me a love letter and send it to me with a rose, then send his friend to knock on my door and ask me to come see him since I wasn't speaking to him on the phone "I didn't go".... When I try to leave he'll do whatever it takes to make me stay. The women he cheat with usually know about me "im usually in the dark as it relates to them". He saved every letter I've ever written to him and a few nights ago he read the first one and few others on the phone to me that I wrote to him over 6 yrs. ago, telling me I meant the world to him and he feels bad that some of the things that I wrote in one of the letter "doubts about him" came through , it was touching, yet I wonder if he's so wicked that he KNOWS exactly how to attack my soul and break my spirit.
He has all kinds of plans for the baby, but I think they are just in "words".

Any response will be helpful....Is it too late for him?

[shutterbug]

Sweetie, this is going to sound harsh, and I'm sorry, but you need to get away from this man. Cut your loses and start living for you. I know how hard it is b/c I was in nearly the exact same situation you are in and I couldn't get away.

Mine confesed to being a sociopath, he is a late stage alcoholic, a sex addict, bipolar and has other mental and physical health problems, but I loved him more than anything -- at least that's what I thought.

Get into Al-anon, if he's an alcholic (sorry, I don't have time to read all your post cause I'm a slow reader) and if not then you can start seeing a therapist yourself. DEFINETLY pick up a copy of "Codependency No More" by Melanie Beattie and you will see your self and your situation written about through the entire book!

It may seem like he is the problem, but there is a reason why you are drawn to people who hurt you.

Will he ever love? Probably not, but even if he did would it make a difference if he still acted the same way? Take care of yourself. It's extreamly hard at first, but then it gets fun. I promise.

I finally discovered that I wasn't in love with my sociopath, but rather I was deeply in love with the idea of the man he sometimes showed to me. The idea of him is beautiful, but the truth is that isn't who he is right now and he may NEVER be that person.

LOV N' HUGS,
Jenna

[pedagogue]

I think I replied to shutterbug's situation, and I think she is on the money with what she said. Let me see if I can dig up what I wrote for her...becuase I think you would benefit from it also.

*edit*

Ok...I was wrong about the original poster...but she DID make an appearance in that thread. Also, my response wasn't what I thought it was....guess I responded to a similar topic on another board.

HERE (Anti-social, Sociopath, Psychopath, Narcissist)

-pedagogue