He still "tests" me, I don't want to be here

[unforgiven]

My boyfriend drug tests me. I've been clean for 7 monthes and he still doesn't trust me. I used to weigh 135, now I'm 215. I once had a clear complexion, now I have acne scars.I've got huge stretch marks now on my stomach and breasts. This depresses me so much, but I made the trade-off. He was more important to me then my looks, it'd be worth it.
But it's not. I moved in with him so he could see the great "transformaion" and get some peace of mind that I was really clean. I don't know what else to do. He's come home a couple times saying "hey, I got something for you" and pull a drug test out of a bag. I take it right there and then, my spirit totally crushed that I did something wrong to make him think I was high. He doesn't look at me or talk to me until after it comes back clean. Then he'll smile and say "thanks, I needed some good news, I had a bad day"
After it comes out clean I think maybe he'll let the wall around his heart come down a little and we'll start to move forward in our realationship, but nothing changes.
How much longer do I keep doing this? We spoke on the phone last night and he started getting quiet. I said "what's wrong". He said "you sound weird"
"I have a sore throat and a cough" I told him. Now I have to take a hairstrand drug strand test when he joins me at my parents house for New Year's. I feel so low. So embarressed and ashamed that he's testing me (again) at my parents house. He's never going to stop doubting me, should I just keep taking them until he feels safe enough to marry me? Last night I couldn't stop thinking of ways to die. Nothing is ever going to get better, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be anywhere, I just want it to be over. I don't want my parents sad so I'd have to make it look like an accident, people get over accidents but not suicides. I've decided on either jumping off the balcony (the fence is really loose) or running out into the middle of street (we live on a blind curve and cars won't have a chance to stop) but then I feel bad because whoever hits me will be scarred. There's other ways that might work but I don't have a lot of time. I don't want to see my boyfriend or anyone else, I don't want to see the New Year...I just don't want to be here. Why do I feel so bad that he "tests" me?

[allalone]

Sweetie you need help and meetings. Your thoughts of accidental suicide is very scary. And noone will ever get over your loss no matter what the circumstances. Are you working a program? Please do- this will help you learn to love yourself. Please understand from your bf's view. You had to start over and gain his trust back. Maybe he could go about it in a better way but he has a process of recovery also. It sounds like he could use a NARanon meeting himself. But maybe you could change the way you look at it. INstead of being crushed- take that test with pride! Knowing that it will come back clean! And if he is that damaging to you - maybe he's not the one for you. Please find a meeting. It will help! God bless you.

[eddie z.]

unforgiven,
Go to the nearest emergency room and talk to someone there! Seriously!
Thinking of you...
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[Live]

You are in charge of your recovery, not him. Sounds like a sick game to me. What if you just threw it away and said no more?
Please get help immediately for your depression!
Eddie is right, I hope you went to the ER.
There is help, there is hope. You do not have to live like this. You deserve love, peace, and happiness.
And love that does not hurt. Or have anything to prove.

[Andy F]

Hi Unforgiven

Can you forgive yourself for not knowing what to do in this situation? Can you allow yourself to to be a human being who for whatever reason is struggling at the moment? Can you give yourself permission to be who you are right now? Could you forgive a friend in the same position? Then why not you?