Help - Daughter with Bi Polar

[wilsls65]

My daughter has Bi Polar. She is 18 years old. She was diagnosed a year ago. She has been on several different medications and is working with a Psychiatrist to get the right combination. She has been hanging out with a bad group of friends and taking drugs. She left home last week after being given the choice of the drugs and friends or home and support of her parents. I believe that her behavior is mostly brought on by her Bi Polar. My question....as a parent of a Bi Polar child how do we handle this, knowing it is the disease, but also knowing that it isn't appropriate behavior and obviously not willing to allow it in your home. I assume that eventually she will come to a point where she will want to come back home (when she runs out of money) What do I do? I picture her doing this for years and I'm not sure I can handle it.

[sweeks]

Hi wilsls! I have absolutley no advice whatsoever. My husband was diagnosed not too long ago and I'm never quite sure if the things that I do are right or not. I just wanted to offer a hug and to tell you that you are not alone. The thing that has helped me the most is that I've started seeing a therapist. Not for the hubby, for me. Good luck to you and stick around the people here are the best.

[Louiseintx]

Hi!

Try and remember that although your daughter has Bi Polar, she's still a teen and trying to break out herself. We were all 18 once and hating our parents telling us what to do, and even without her battling serious depression, I bet she would have reacted the same to your ultimatum! (SP?!)

What you see as wrong (drugs and her lifestyle) she see's as her choice, and she *thinks* what she's chosen is what she wants. It doesnt matter what that choice is though, if she feels its being taken away from her, chances are she will rebel, as most people would.

Maybe you could try and back off a bit so you appear more approachable? She will get better, both as she gets older and the right meds are found and kick in, but its going to be quite a journey.

Good luck hun!

[Live]

There is alot of information here about bi-polar, take your time to read the posts. Many of the bi-polar people here have also had drug problems. I am sure they will be around shortly to talk with you.
I think Moot Point went thro' much the same as your daugher, you might read her posts with especial care.
I also suggest you use two forums as well as this one. Either the family and friends of alcoholics or the Nar-Anon for help with dealing with the drugs problem. There are power posts at the top of all the forums. The contain a great deal of helpful, strengthing information.
Keep coming back.
There is a wealth of love, support, experience, strength and hope here. We all share it together.

[shutterbug]

Hello, it's the bipolar, photo girl here. First, I am so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with somethings so difficult and scary.

I do have a few suggestions of possibilities, but please...they are only suggestions and you have to decide for yourselves what is the best course of action.

*I believe that even though your daughter is 18, that you could still have her placed into a crisis intervention center for her own safety and well-being, if things get too crazy. I think it takes 2 people to have a person committed (which I don't like to use that word because it implies such a negative course of action, when these facilities, if they are good ones, can offer so much help to people with mental illnesses and substance abuse - as a starting point that is). However, it is important to know that such an action may possible make your daughter act out against you, as her parents, even more...so this is something to definetly weigh all sides. And really, the best help and only real help has to come from within her. She has to want to be healthy.

I'm guessing that she probably knows very little about what it means to be bipolar and for example, seh may not know that 80 percent of us turn to substance abuse as a self-medication tool.

*The ultimatum is a tough one. You don't want her to run all over you, but you don't want to see her go down the tubes either. It's definetly debatable as to what a parent should do in such a case. My personal OPINION is that your daughter is rebelling (I did it too as a teen) and any type of restrictions you try to put on her will only work to put a bigger gap btwn all of you. I know it's hard to watch someone do distructive things every day and fight against what's best for them, but I think if she is staying with the druggie friends of hers then she will end up getting worse.

I think mostly what she needs now is to know that people TRUELY care about her. Right now, she thinks her friends do, but we all know the probably really don't if their giving her the drugs. Try to be there for her as much as possible without enabling her. Let her know that there is a way out of her pain and that you are there for her if she decides she wants to try it. Calling her and telling her you love her and that she is welcome back into your house without having to give up her friends. It will be hard to do such a thing, but you can only nurture her if she is around you and can see that you are ON HER SIDE!!! Don't try to tell her that her friends are bad influences or bad people because she will just think that you are trying to punish her. Only she can decide for herself if these friends are bad for her life and trying to push her to see that will only push her away from you ...NOT THEM!!! She will run even faster to them because she thinks they understand her better and that they are not trying to control her.

I mentioned a book in another thread that is a good read for bipolars and their family and I think it would be great for you to read. And if you could possibly get her to read it (without forcing her) then it would be very beneficial. It's called, "A Brilliant Maddness," by Patti Duke.

I think the first and most important task is to educate yourselves and her as much as possible about the illness. If she understands that the depression will pass then maybe it will help her to know that she won't feel so bad forever. Although, you must know that her running out of money will not necessarily bring her back home, especially if she doesnt think you want her there. It's hard to take a good look at ourselves and our actions from the other side of the fence, but you have to! You have to try and see things from her perspective and try to see how she is interpreting the messages you are sending her with every confrentation.

I'm currently struggling in my second major depression of my life (I'm 28) and it's the most lonely place a person could ever imagine. Thoughts of dying seem like such a relief, especially when you think the people you love are against you. She is hurting. I can't stress enough how much she is hurting. Be loving to and with her as best you can.

You said she has been on meds, but didn't mention theropy. Bipolars NEED the help of a psychologist ( in addition to the psychiatrist) in order to help her sort out her thoughts and behaviors and to become educated about her disease.

If you love her as much as I suspect you do, then I would also highly suggest therapy for you, as her parent, also. The battles you have to face on this side of her illness are also difficult ones. A good psychologist can help ease stress and worries and to put things into perspective from an outsiders point of view....which can be EXTREMELY helpful if you can be completely honest with yourself and admit that you have played a part in her current actions (not consciencely mind you, but only out of lack of knowledge of the disease).

And don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best that you know how and that is the most important thing. Many parents wouldn't even search for outside help so by coming here you are dramatically improving the chances for you and your daughter's successful recovering and mended relationship. So give yourself a HUG pat on the back.
You are on the right path.

Good luck and God bless,
Lov,
Jenna

[wilsls65]

Thank you so much. Your thread was helpful in that it gave me more perspective on how she may be feeling. I'm still unsure how I'm going to handle things. We were/are a very close family and her and I have both read several books on bi polar and she is aware of the 80 percent statistic of drug use with bi polar people. We talked and talked about how she, as a bi polar person had to try, as hard as it might be, to stay away from people who are using drugs as she isn't the 'normal' teenager who could smoke an occasional recreational joint. Like I said and you know, it is so difficult to know what to do. I do have the idea that if things become really crazy I will do what needs to be done legally about comitting her. Again, Thanks, your thread was the mose helpful.

[MootPoint]

I've been dealing with my bipolar s/o's possibly bipolar teen (she hasn't been diagnosed yet).

Her daughter is listening to me..... I have the voice of experience. I've gotten her to the point where she has left some of her friends because they use drugs. I've gotten her to come and surf the Substance abuse forum, which has helped scare her away.

There's not much you can do except make sure she sees her pdoc and takes her meds. And talk to her, which you are already doing!

Does your daughter have anyone in her life that she trusts who has dealt with addiction?

I do have the idea that if things become really crazy I will do what needs to be done legally about comitting her.

Good for you! I hope it doesn't come down to that tho.

[pedagogue]

I wanted to highlight some REALLY helpful information in shutterbug's thread. I am sure you read it thorougly, but just in case...I went through it anyway!

Originally Posted by shutterbug

I think mostly what she needs now is to know that people TRUELY care about her.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

"A Brilliant Maddness," by Patti Duke.

Read like it is water and you are in the desert.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

I think the first and most important task is to educate yourselves and her as much as possible about the illness.

See above.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

You have to try and see things from her perspective and try to see how she is interpreting the messages you are sending her with every confrentation.

This is huge. If you ever wondered how you sound...tape yourself. (Seriously...a dictation tape recorder will give you a stark and real look at yourself) People are taken back when they hear themselves on tape, because there is SO much going on during escalation, it is too much to process at once.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

..she is hurting. Be loving to and with her as best you can.

Yet another hurdle in the world of parenting. You are learning too.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

Bipolars NEED the help of a psychologist ( in addition to the psychiatrist) in order to help her sort out her thoughts and behaviors and to become educated about her disease.

Medication alone is not enough to ensure success. In the case of BP's, therapy is almost ALWAYS necessary. One HUGE part of therapy is the development of coping skills. Your daughter NEEDS to have these skills. It will also offer a sounding board for her. BP is not a diagnosis that does well unsupervised. Please please PLEASE, if you don't listen to anything else I say, please consider therapy for her ASAP.

Substance abuse (typically poly-abuse) is a HUGE factor in BPs, especially when coping skills are lacking. Substance abuse further complicates things, and really can be destructive, especially in a young girl.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

If you love her as much as I suspect you do, then I would also highly suggest therapy for you, as her parent, also.

This is huge. Her diagnosis has as much of an impact on her as it does you.

Best of luck. Please keep us updated. We are here to help. As always, please feel free to send a PM.

-pedagogue

[shutterbug]

pedagogue,

WOW! Thank-you for such a wonderful compliment.

Merry Christmas (it's not a grinchy one anymore)

HUGS TO ALL,
Jenna

[Muf]

Hi
I have a son diagnosed with Manic depressive (which is now called bipolar) when he was 8 years old,he would not take meds,because he thought he was different.
He became an addict years later Crack and other stuff I believe he was self medicating for years,he finally hit his bottom and is now on meds of drugs and feeling so good,he said I wish I had listen to you mom years ago,but this is only my story,this may not happen to someone else.
Muf
PS:before the drugs he was so depressed and the drugs gave him a lot of friends at least that is what he thought

[Pepperz]

WILSLS, I could have written your post. I am also struggling with an 18 year old bipolar daughter who is using again. She went through rehab this year, and had been clean for 6 months but not really managing her illness. She is also on several meds, trying to find the combination that works for her, and is supposed to be in therapy but is "sick of talking to people" thus has not been keeping appts with psychologist nor going to NA meetings.
Shutterbug, your post was very helpful. This is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. She has just relapsed and I don't know what to do.

[wilsls65]

Thank you everyone for all of your support and advise. It is so helpful just knowing that there are others going through the same things. I have my first counseling aptmt today, which was suggested by my own doctor. Hopefully will help me a little. She is still living with the same friend. She has contacted me a few times and has told me that she has quit using drugs, I don't think I believe her, I've heard it before. I've tried to talk her into coming home but she isn't ready to concentrate on getting better. I've heard through the grapevine that she's not taking her meds, which, obviously isn't good. I've contacted her psychiatrist and let him know and as far as I know he keeps in regular contact with her but he isn't able to give me any information because I neglected to have her sign a release of info form, way back when she first started seeing him....foolish me! I just keep praying.