I'm killing my relationship with my jealousy

[ARIES]

I'm realy sick...(and in a way I think it's the combination of smoking pot and a deep fear to loose my bf...Jealous that I am I was acting very strange last night in a dancing...Like I did so many times before...I'm so sick at the moment I just slept 4 hours becos my brain was working so hard...I'ts too much too explain in one thread..I can't stand him lookin' at another women talking too another women becos I'm too jealous ..I realy can't stand the feeling of it and at the moment I'm so sick of it..I think I will loose my bf with bein' this way...(probably I will) and the tought of that makes me more sicker and jealous...Can anyone help????

[splendra]

Well I can tell you nothing can make a girl sicker than to be jealous......I feel for you. But I am sure you need to get over it cause it will not help you keep your b/f.

Even if he has given you a reason to be jealous nothing will hurt your heart more. I got struck by the green eyed monster once and I just hated myself. I realized I had to get over it because it was killing me on the inside. I decided nothing was worth my health. Oh by the way him seeing someone else didn't help matters any.

I stopped taking his calls and started taking care of me.

I dont know if that is your picture in your avatar but, she looks like a very beautiful woman there. I heard jealousy explained that it is our thinking that someone has something that we do not have.... so the best remedy might be to realize that you have something special about yourself that warrents acknowledgement of being very good....

When I realized the OW had nothing better than myself I stopped being jealous. Hope this helps!!

[lonlion]

Hi Stefanie; I too have had problems with jealousy in the past. When I was smoking pot, my thoughts would race and I would have what the doctors called "obsessive thinking". Which in turn made me want even more pot or alcohol. I thought if I got stoned or drunk it would calm my thoughts.
However, it is such a vicous cycle to get into. I couldn't even concentrate when I was at work or any where, because I was constantly wondering what he was doing and with who.
In my case I didn't trust my gut instincts which turned out to be true. I kept battling the knowledge of his character and evidence with what I wanted to believe. I tried to numb my gut instincts by getting drunk or stoned. Now I can stay clean because I finally stood up for myself and what I knew was truth but couldn't deal with at the time. I can stay clean now that I have broke off that relationship. I live in fear of being in another relationship, only because I don't ever want to ignore the truth again and go back out and use.
If you think you have a serious jealousy problem without any true valid reasons for feeling that way, then maybe you should talk with a doctor.

Hope this helps honey, I definately understand where you are coming from.
Love Diana

[eddie z.]

I'm not bragging, but I may have something to offer here. My female friends marvel at my lack of jealousy. I can't explain it well. I just don't get that way. One thing that may be helpful is to remember that jealousy can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You seem to be aware of this, that being jealous can drive a man away rather than helping.

What else? Hmmm...I don't know. I really wish I could help more. The first key to any problem is awareness and you have that, so you're on the right track. Are you in any kind of counseling? That may help, too. Keep talking about it. Maybe someone else here will be along to share something more useful.

What splendra said was good. I have to keep my self-esteem healthy and know that I am a valuable person whether he can see it or not!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[rock_bottom]

i am a very jealous person myself and it always came down to mistrust or the paranoia of losing something loved. maybe you should question how much you trust your honey. or maybe how much you trust yourself or how much confidence you have in yourself. i just recently broke it off with my fiance, not because of jealousy(thank god) but because he started doing doing drugs again. i was very jealous in our relationship though and i know why. one, because i could not trust him and two, because i have lost everything i loved in life. but jealousy could have easily tore us apart. it just leaves a reminder that you cannot gain the love you want so bad with those jealous thoughts. good luck.

[Time2Surrender]

Jealousy can definatly ruin a relationship,and drive you insane at the same time.Im not usaully a jealous person.I dated a woman last summer,and had all kinds of strange things running through my head.Finally,I decided I was not happy and I couldnt take it anymore.So,I ended the relationship.Later,I came to find out it wasnt me,and she was cheating on me from day one.Worst part now,is she is pregnant with my son (if he is even really mine) only time and a paternity test will tell.But,it was a great relief to find out I made the mistake of getting involved with a tramp and it wasnt just me.

[liveweyerd]

You may not like what I have to say, but say it I will.

One of the best parts of my relationship with my bf is that there is no jealousy. We tell each other the truth and know each other well enough to know trust.

I would not spend time with a man who had such jealousy. Jealousy is a prison. You are taking your bf hostage. He can't look at people? He can't talk to interesting people? I would not tolerate this.

Ocassionally when there is a twinge of jealousy. I say I feel jealous about this because.
In our case we are separated physically by several thousand miles and occasionally I say I am jealous because your women friends get to talk to you and know what is going on in your life and get to see you.
The other day he came across a photo a previous date had taken of me and he said he felt a bit jealous. I said I am sorry but that was before I knew you.

But neither of us would try to dictate to or imprison the other.

I had a bf who did that to me and all I could think of was getting away from it.

How can you love someone you do not trust?

[MightyJester160]

well i should have posted here what i posted on my other thread... NA Newcomers/Day one for me here...on the last page [pg.4] it is the next to the last post...


i am in a crash mode right now .. i need to begin my therapy asap....i have reached the point you get to when you spend too much time dwelling on issues of mistrust...being verbally abusive by accuseing her daily in almost everything i say. worring constantly letting my health slip.....ecetera.......ect.

id like to look at what i think as mental illness... for that there is a cure ... other than that is loosing the rest of my life.

the mrs is still by my side. we do love eachother, she sees the person i am as the jeloous person....same as she sees the man she fel in love with. she has told me that i was like this in the beginning of our relationship just not as severe...she also can recall the choices she made to try to put me at ease . she regrets those choices alot.. i fear they are the damage we wont be able to repair out of it all. along with the lifestyle changes she has made because of my controlling attitude and the ****** comments i make about her being somewhere too long. the worst are the phone calls home i make too her, i am so afraid that someone is there with her while she is talking to me. i listen so hard through the phone for any odd sounds and if her speaking seems somehow guilty to me i get shittty and hang up right away. because i think i have to stop her from getting to me that way...as iff she is paying me back.or just plain being cruel.

i am being abuseive too her i know.. i dont like that it is abuse and i have no coping skills or alternative behaviours to practice in place of lashing out. i have faith in what ever psychotherapist i get set up with that i will get to the core issues that make this lifestyle possible and deal with them...in the mean time

i am at this resilutuon with the Mrs.. i hold my thoughts inside for now..the next few days. durring that time i do everything i can to get therapy. i agreed with the Mrs that there are only 2 paths for us at this time..get professional help now or we seperate...


i posted what i did last night on my "Day one here for me"thread in the newcomers section of the N/A ...section. as a reaction to being told that its all in my head, IT wants to keep asking for the truth till the end of time if need be. IT thinks there is something i should know.... i am tired of IT giving me my thoughts for the day in spite of what i need to be thinking about.

you people here that end up saying that it was actually true that she/he was being dissloyal after all...... you got the silver bullet i need... to know one way or the other or to not neeed to know at all. those are my cures. to continue living outside the need to control anyone anytime is my cure...to know my desiese for what it is and learn how it does what it does, i crave that day getting here..

i know no comfort i feel only guilt and anxiety and a great sense of loss...i want my life back and im ready to do whatever it takes to get it..

the right way of course!!! jeeepers .. thats it for now here ... this post needs to be longer with more information on whatever this desiese is that i have...Confuseing Obsession with love....the Mrs says .. i know somewhere there is a clinical name for it.

crap pp i shake my head because i want to go and sleep yet id rather stay here where i can confront my feelings through this keypad. it would be nice if there were people available here 24 7 to chat about these things.

i will go now .. i will not be negative with the Mrs, i will try to get therapy first thing in the morning no matter what the cost....


Yours daily
[JDG]Jester

[eddie z.]

to continue living outside the need to control anyone anytime is my cure.

That's a great goal, David! I hope that through therapy and working the Steps, you can attain it. Did you read my post on this thread? I think it's really important to remember that idea of jealousy being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Wish you and family the best!

Oh, and I've been meaning to congratulate you on OVER 60 DAYS! Congratulations!
Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

[nodope]

Eddie, I found this interesting because like you I have never been jealous of anyone or anything in my life. Truly I am not bragging.....I have enough other idiosynchronicities to fill a book. Seems I'm always happy for someone else, but not myself. As in a friend getting a degree or getting engaged. Even if I don't have that or aspire for it I'm so happy for them.

Anyway back to the important point. Aries, the pot isn't helping ya that's for sure. That really messes with your mind/thoughts. Also is there any reason for you to mistrust your boyfriend? Has he given you reason? Often that plays a significant role in jealousy.

You are very beautiful. Plus an Aries! You rule. Hopefully you can come to an understanding, and free your mind. You are recongnizing this is lethal.

As for other women.....on the ocassion that a "cereal cheater" (just made that phrase up) was seeing me, his siter-in-law, and his wife......and God only knows who else......he relished the women fighting over him. It was only our insecurities. I made friends with the girls, and have remained so to this day. I ALWAYS take the side of a woman. BTW this guy said he was divorced. I would never date a married man. Actually not real happy dating a divorced one.

[eddie z.]

It was only our insecurities.

Absolutely! I find since my self-esteem is good, I don't worry about other women. I know my husband loves me and even if he didn't, I could survive that, too, because I feel good about myself, I guess.

Stefanie, are you there?
Love and hugs,
Eddie

[My_last_hope]

Hi Aries-

I came upon this site by accident. Desperately looking for something to help me overcome this cancerous feeling! Its killing me, my relationship and everything around me. I dont want to lose my boyfriend-we have been together for 10 years and I love him deeply. But I can't put either of us through this any longer. We can't go anywhere and I think he his looking at another girl or thinks one is cute or hot, and I start a fight. He tells me all the time that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me-but I still can't let my guard down- I'm always expecting the worse and Im getting much worse. If you find a solution, please help me too.

[splendra]

((((My Last Hope))))))

Half of the stuff we go thru is about our thinking. If I control my negative thoughts my life is easier and simpler.

If your man does not give you any real reason like outwardly flirting in public and if you do not suspect or have proof that he is cheating you will just have to look at what you are thinking to get over your jealousy. A person who feels jealous is insecure even if they have a good reason to feel it. If you can listen to what you are thinking and identify the thoughts that are troubling you and then discard them you might have to send them on their way several times before the well worn path is grown over but, I assure you it is worth the effort.

[Morning Glory]

Here are a couple of books that may help.

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Jea...1385048&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Jea...1385048&sr=1-2