Depression, crazy mood swings and old memories

[Sarah0404]

I've had depression for years, but it has been getting worse... and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate meds... I can't be on them. I can't handle the side effects... and they don't really benefit me anyway. And I just don't know what's wrong with me. My moods are all over the place. When I finally do feel good about something, I get so terrified. I'm so scared to let myself feel good, 'cause I know that if I feel good, then the next day, I'll be feeling unbelievably horrible. I can't control it. I don't think I can put up with this anymore, but not sure what I can do. I have access to help right now, but I'm moving to a place where I won't be able to get any help or support.... so I don't know what I'm going to do.

And another thing, even though I haven't been using any drugs for months, I'm still haunted by the memories of it. I can't stop thinking about all the horrible stuff that happened during that time... and it makes me feel suicidal. I wish the memories would go away... but they don't, no matter how much I try to push them away.

I wish I could talk to someone online... for support and advice.

[liveweyerd]

Hi, Sarah!

First you need to know you are not alone. There are many of us here, who suffer from depression and other illnesses and addictions. Many of us, indeed most of us have several diagnosis, rarely a single one.

Please take the time to read freely here, especially the power posts at the top. You will find that you are with your own kind and that we can get stronger. We can get better. We can't change everything, but things can change.

Keep coming back. Let us get to know you. Get to know us.

I hated meds. I hated meds. I hated meds. I cannot say that enough.
But, finally with the right cocktail, today I say, THANK God for modern medicine.

I require two different anti-depressants. And have been on many before we came up with just the right cocktail. One keeps me from drowning, the other lets me live and thrive in a way I never imagined.
I also have anxiety problems, and PTSD. Which are those horrible memories.

I want to extend my hand in welcome and say...it gets better.
It takes time. It takes work. It takes willingness to do things we would rather not do.
But the rewards.
Oh, God love the rewards.

Today, all I can think is "what if I never knew" and that would be tragic.

Tasting health, happiness, wellness,....well, that can give you an appetite to grow on to heights impossible to imagine.

I am not saying that there is an easy life. God, I wish. I am lazy.
But, I have tasted something worth working for, worth integrating into my life.
In fact, for the last few days I have been just plain grouchy because I thought I had a road map and was running full out. Too old to jump hurdles, but well enough to run around them. And smack. Brick wall.

Okay. so I am grouchy.
but I learned something.
I learned early that my road map was wrong. I am glad for that and mad at the same time.
tomorrow, I restore and nurture myself.
Then, I work on the new map.
It isn't my map.
I loved the one I thought I had.
But, it doesn't fit reality.
So,
in the words of James Taylor,
I go home by another way.
It felt like a failure.
But I can make it a lesson.
Change courses and make it really happen.
I am rambling. Sorry.

But I am here, not every day, not all the time, because I am busy making a life, but between us all, we are always here.
You are never alone.

[MootPoint]

Welcome Sarah!

I'd suggest getting a thorough mental health check up. There might be more going on than plain depression.

Re meds.... I hated them too. I avoided them for miserable years. Like Live, I have found a med coctail that really helps. It has helped my life return to "normal", if I know what "normal" even is.

Re the drug memories.... we all have them. You say they make you suicidal. Is there any way to adjust your thinking so you feel instead that you are grateful the drug days are over?

Again like Live said, read here, post here, keep coming back!

[Sarah0404]

Thank you very much for the replies. I'm going to try to see someone this month, but by the end of the month, I won't be able to since I'm going to a place where help won't be available. I doubt that I'd be able to find meds that work in such a short time. And even though I hate meds, I would be willing to try them again... I guess.

As for the memories... it's hard to look at it in any positive way. I'd rather forget my past completely, but that'd be impossible.

Anyway, I'm glad I have this place to come to to talk to others that understand.

[eddie z.]

Originally Posted by Sarah0404

by the end of the month, I won't be able to since I'm going to a place where help won't be available.

If you're actually suicidal, then maybe you should rethink this move, at least for the time being. This is your life we're talking about, you know?

I put a response to your post on the Mark Sichel forum. I'm glad you're considering meds again.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

[junem]

Sarah-I am willing to take meds because anything is better than the way i used to feel. Please seek some help.

Liveweyerd- I loved your post. It spoke to me in many ways. I am bipolar with PTSD and am currently riding a rollercoaster as the one condition is fuelling the other and around and around I go trying to control my symptoms. Yoour post gave me the boost I needed to rekindle my hope. thanks!!!