?s for those married to bi-polar

[New Day]

I am new to this site and by the suggestion of MG, I am posting here. I am looking for help from others who are married to someone who has bi-polar. Sometimes I feel that I am married to the illness and not the person.

:cry3:

My husband has been treated for bi-polar for 10 years. As a result of a recent run-in with the law he has agreed to see a therapist and I finally had hope that something would change.

I am struggling with what are the minimum expections of someone with bi-polar?

Recently I found out that my husband opened a separate checking account and credit card to purchase internet pain medication without my knowledge. This is after a suicide attempt last Feb that me and his dr believe was triggered by addiction to the same pain medication.

During this past time period he was secretly taking the pain meds, he reassured me that he is not doing anything that would conflict with his probation and the past work he has done with his therapist. That has turned out to be a lie because he still has not told his dr that he was on these pain meds, even after supposedly having a ceasure after being taken off Lamictal because of a rash. His dr took him off Lamictal b/c Jeff assured him he was compliant with his meds and therefore it made sense the Lamictal caused his rash, even though he had been on it for 2+ yrs w/out complications. I recently informed his dr of the pain meds and he believes that was now the cause and not the lamictal.

My husband tells me he is not certain whether or not he will get a refill of the pain meds...he thinks he can handle taking some for a few days. Says he will make an appt with his therapist to try to get to the bottom of this, and also ask his dr for a medication that will inhibit the pleasure censors, but has not done it!

His expectations of me are to leave him alone, let him "try" to do better without explaining to me what "try" means, and help him pay for internet law school which he has recently decided will make him happy. By the way, as a result of his run in with the law we have incurred $13,000 of credit card debt-mostly due to attorney fees and additional medical costs, but also purchases to help make him feel better and gifts to me that he wanted me to have to apologize and I willing took - mostly out of anger.

Today has been a hard day! I don't want to act in anger. I am codependent and I just can't seem to get the fact that I can't help him. I also realize that I have liked the role of the martyr. I don't want to fuel the bi-polar and I want to love my husband. However, as a result of the cummulative lies throughout the years I look at him and what he says and everything he says and does seems to be a con...a lie.

I know having bi-polar is HORRIBLE! I know it is a chemical condition. I know that seeing him through multiple suicide attempts is not nearly as difficult as what he feels and endures everyday. Our therapist who is seeing us separately and jointly continues to tell me that he has to be accountable for his actions and I have to let go and not try to control for possible negative outcomes. That I need to let it go and let whatever happens happen.

I am at the point where I believe we, I, need some time apart from him.

HOW DO YOU DO IT? I am trying to sift the focus from him to me. :titanic

Thank you for this website, it has been a gift from God.

[ouch]

____

[MootPoint]

Hi New Day

I've been with a person who has bipolar since 2000. I know that bipolars tend towards substance abuse, but that its not a necessary deal. It sounds like your husband might have a substance abuse issue as well as bipolar. He'll have to look into that as well as his bipolar. Which is going to be difficult. I have watched my partner go thru much grief with her bipolar, and I'm a recovering addict/alkie. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to have to deal with both.

A word of advice from the addict side..... maybe he should see a doc before withdrawing from pain meds.

Back to bipolar... what I have to do is accept that her issues are hers, not mine. I cannot control or regulate her bipolar. At the very most, all I can do is remind her to take her meds. And accept her.

Re therapy........ you both could benefit from it! I've discussed me dealing with her bipolar with my therapist many times.

Is your husband on medication for bipolar?

[New Day]

My husband has been on medication since 1994. Currently he is taking Neuronton, Paxil, Soeroquil, and recently DC'd Lamictal due to a rash that was thought to be attributed to the lamictal but now his psychiatrist believes it was the pain meds.

I agree that my husband should be under his drs care in trying to withdraw from the pain meds, especially since his most recent suicide attempt was attributed to addiction to the same meds. He felt that he was too much of a burden to me and that he would not be able to get off the pain meds. His dr, his dad and I talked him through it with medication to calm him and put him to sleep. The next morning was like it never happened. After that with his drs help in adjusting his current meds he was able to get off of them with little problem. Unfortunately, my husband is not working any type of recovery program and believes he can take the pain meds a few days here and there and it will not cause any problems with his meds and he can get off of them without any problem. I know this is a bunch of bull!!! Been there before.

I am now finding as a result of this "taste", recent dabble with the pain meds again he must have been in more of a manic state because he has purchased several watches off of ebay plus a few others

I do love him, however, if he is not willing to work a recovery program, isn't ok for me to say that I will not pay for or clean up after him?

I am in therapy myself, in fact I went first and I shared that the person I was seeing has experience with bi-polar and addictions and since he has stated in he past this is something he wanted to do I encouraged him to see this therapist. Now the story is different and he goes here and then, forgets appts, does not reschedule when he says he will and tells me that he is trying and at least he goes sometimes.

That sounds to me like the addiction or bi-polar has a hold of him. :suspect:

Thoughts?

[MootPoint]

If he is addicted, he is not going to be able to dabble with pain meds.

I also know that spending is a sign of mania. I don't know if this spending is unusual for him. Also, addicts might have multiple addictions, like a spending addiction!

So there is no way for me to offer an informed opinion.

I do love him, however, if he is not willing to work a recovery program, isn't ok for me to say that I will not pay for or clean up after him?

If I were you, I wouldn't hold myself responsible for paying and cleaning up after him. Of course, I'm not in a situation like that. My partner's bipolar is controlled by meds.

If I was in your situation, I'd do everything I could to get him to go to therapy. Which I suspect you are doing. Sigh.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but it sounds like you are doing all you can. Now....... you need to take care of you! Taking care of yourself is the only thing you can do.

[New Day]

I appreciate your response. I am sure you have heard this all before.

I keep asking myself, what more can I do? And then I hear the words of my therapist, it is his responsbility and he has to learn there are consequences for his actions and take responsibility for them.

My husband's dr has repeatedly encouraged him that his bi-polar is managable with medications. The only thing I suspect is happening is that he starts feeling well, is stable, and then believes he does not need them anymore and starts missing doses. And because he does not eat well or sleep well, he starts self dosing. This has been a major struggle...he does not want to restrict what he eats or put himself on a sleep schedule. He has refused to keep the mood charts and sleep charts so his meds can be better adjusted.

Any way I look at it now, I have to face the fact that he does have all the resources available to him and goes at times but has not fully accepted and/or committed to his recovery and he needs to make that choice

Also, in our entire 8 years of marriage he has complained that I don't support him and that I am trying to control him, then he threatens me with, "you know, I can do anything I want, when I want". I believe that is the illness and/or addiction speaking. He has a major problem with the perception of being controlled. Case in point: with his parol officer he feels that she is trying to control him and is working to throw him back in jail. When she has conducted her drop bys she tells me that all my husband needs to do is obey the law and step up to the plate and take responsibility but she is not out to get him. His therapist knows her and has reassured him of the same as well.
He has this issue of being controlled and says he will not be controlled.

We are all controlled to some extent..there are rules for just about everything. Life laws included! Is this the illness/addiction speaking?
Thanks!

[MootPoint]

Yer welcome!

I keep asking myself, what more can I do? And then I hear the words of my therapist, it is his responsbility and he has to learn there are consequences for his actions and take responsibility for them.

Sounds like a good therapist!!

Any way I look it is now, I have to face the fact that he does have all the resources available to him and goes at times but has not fully accepted and/or committed to his recovery

That sounds like the only reasonable plan for you. If you want help with his addict side, pop over to the Nar Anon forums and ask the ppl there. They are pretty cool. They'll help you learn how to take care of you.

You describe about your husband feeling better, then going off of meds because of it... I have seen my partner do this. I've also seen the self dosing she goes thru if not under control. She allows me to keep track of her meds. I consider myself lucky in this. My AA sponsor is also bipolar and I've seen her struggles..... all the same stuff you describe and I've seen in my partner.

Bipolar looks like a drag to me. I hate my unipolar depression, but I wouldn't trade it for bipolar!

[New Day]

After his suicide attempt that resulted from a previous addiction to pain meds, when he opened up to his dr and a plan was put in place for a controled withdrawel from the meds, we went out together and bought a medication container that hold meds for a week allowing for four doses a day. I filled those religiously for him and he was very happy for my assistance and then he wanted to do it himself. OK, he is entitled. He is an adult. Well not long after I noticed that he wasn't filling his meds container anymore and the excuses started to come about why he couldn't and and it was too time consuming. I offered to do it again for him and he said that was great but did not have the time to update me on his new med doses and when I follow up with him he says it is too much work to write it down for me or he is too tired at night to tell me...excuses. After that is when I found out he started with the pain meds. Again, I can only speculate that he started missing doses or self-medicating because of added work stresses, etc. and that weakened him to the allure of the sort term "benefits" of the pain meds making it better and his willingness to believe he could take them for a couples of days to get him over this hump and then stop.

This is where we always come back to is why when things are going well you need the cushion, buffer, of a "program" to keep you strong...so when the temptations come you are stronger or have a plan in place to deal with them. His response is one of these: I am fine and therefore I don't need it; I am too busy now and will do it later; or I am "trying" but can't get me any specifics or gives the specifics but does not follow through.

We will find out tonight we have a joint appt with our therapist. Because we are working on our marriage, our therapist sees us together and individually.

The mania I have seen before and is normal in an out of control mania...he seems somewhat stable now. I would prefer the mania than the depression with him because the depression many times has lead to suicide attempts.

Thanks

[MootPoint]

I'll be thinking of you tonight!

I'd highly suggest NarAnon or CODA. It sounds like you have done everything YOU can in this relationship. You are doing all the things I would have suggested already. You've tried to help him with his psych meds. You have tried to help him get a program or other plan of dealing with things. You're trying to help him get off pain pills.

Now..... what are you doing to take care of YOU?

I forgot to say....... when I was using/drinking, I had a great fear of being controlled. Any effort to reign in my behavior set me to ranting. I can tell you that that thinking is addict thinking. I just asked my partner if a feeling or fear of being controlled is part of bipolar.... she said that paranoia is part of bipolar. She doesn't have any specific fear/feeling of being controlled tho.

[New Day]

Thank you for the chatting, it has been a great help. I wanted to ask you how you get the quotes in the highlighted boxes? I have been trying to figure that out.

Also, what is CODA? Is that a group specifically for codependents?

I think the being controlled is more related to the addiction as well. I have read several books on bi-polor from the patients perspective and also from the family/spouse. I feel I know more about it than he does.

In closing, I did want to say that tonight with our therapist he opened the discussion with wanting to hear from my husband, primarily b/c he missed his last appt when I was out of town and I had called to let the therapist know that he was back on the pain meds so their sessions could be more effective.

Anyway, my husband responded that he didn't have anything to say and turned it over to me. I am so pleased with this therapist. After I stated that I was really looking to hear what my husband had to say as well. The therapist interrupted and stated to my husband that he won't allow him to pass this on to me and that my husband really needs to communicate what is going on. My husband tried to side step the issue by saying he was planning to discuss it at his next appt that he was going to schedule after our session. The therapist said he could do it now and that there is really no sense in trying to work on marriage issues with the bi-polar and addiction issues, that these needed to be addressed first. I fully agreed and was very happy that I was not being put in the middle. I left the room to allow them time to talk. Good news, bad news is after they were done..my husband decided and with support of our therapist that my husband should move out. After what has been going on between the two of us, I was and am in total support. My husband moved out tonight and we all know that the only way our marriage can be salvaged is if he gets help.."He needs to work on himself first before he can work on the marriage". Our therapist communiated that he felt this was more postive than negative but who knows the outcome. I am actually very relieved. I have been thinking the same thougths that last week.

Now I know my husband will start to feel lonely and the pull to come back where it is safe will start. I have to continue to work on myself so I can be strong to resist if it is not going well. Who knows though what is in his head.

[MootPoint]

Your therapist sounds great!

.."He needs to work on himself first before he can work on the marriage".

I agree!

I have to continue to work on myself so I can be strong to resist if it is not going well

A big... I agree!

His moving out might really be a good thing! Now you have to be prepared for him trying to come back before he has gotten ahold of things. That is something you should discuss with your therapist during your session. You have to be strong to help him. That's the way it is when dealing with an addict.

Re quotes... it is "[ quote ] type your text here [ /quote ]". Remove the spaces from between the words "quote" and "/quote", and the brackets "[" and "]". Writing it that way was the only way I could. Otherwise, the site will try to execute the command.

CODA is Codependents Anonymous. Most, if not all, ppl dealing with an addict/alcoholic or even taking care of someone with mental illness will be codependent to an extent.

Its quite possible you know more about bipolar than he does if he hasn't sought to educate himself. Again I'm lucky........ my partner has sought to educate herself about bipolar. I have moderate knowledge about it.

[New Day]

I know without a doubt I am codependent and most definately CODA would be the place for me. I have read all of Mealody Beaties(sp) books, women who love too much, plus others. About 4+ years ago after taking an addictive relationships "course" that was in a group setting, I rented an appt and moved out when my husband was in his second inpatient treatment. However, at that time I still was not ready, I was too worried about him and too afraid for myself. Also, I moved out because I was worried about him b/c he did not have anywhere to go and moving out would be too difficult and stressful for him.

I had not come to terms with two main issues: 1). bi-polar is a chemical inbalance of the brain and therefore their actions are not their fault and 2). if he commits suicide,
or criminal activity it will be my fault. Those two thoughts really had a grip on me with "as a Christian you turn the other cheek and save the marriage at all costs (including you)" thrown in the mix.

I have re-written this negative tape that has been playing in my mind through re-reading of these books, seeing this therapist, and shut the door with the support from this website. Now my job is to keep it erased by continuing to work my program.

When you are struggling and are feeling so lost you really want someone to make these decisions for you because it would be easier and then you can blame someone else if it is wrong. What was a sense of emense frustration for me initially was to hear, "you have to work it out yourself" and "only you know what is the best decision because this is your life". This came from my current therapist and people that love me. It is true though, through this process you put yourself in the drivers seat of your life and it needs to be you because it is your life! I was subconciously and conciously resistent because it is work, you have to step out of your comfortable routine and question your actions in order to grow. Many times I have read on this site, the most imporant thing for you to do is to work your program.

Thanks again, so far so good.

[MootPoint]

I would love to take an addictive relationships course!

I can see how your Christian training could have brought some damaging thoughts about bipolar! Yaknow, I hadn't thought of that.

Those sound like good books.... I'm glad you have been able to rewrite those damaging thoughts!

Now my job is to keep it erased by continuing to work my program

. I want to say "yup" and "yaaaaaaaay" at the same time, so think of those two as concurrent It really sounds like you are making progress just in the span of this post!

"you have to work it out yourself" and "only you know what is the best decision because this is your life".

This is something I struggle with too. I want to give my personal power away and be taken care of. I've learned that this is simply not going to happen! Frustrating, ain't it.

How are you feeling today? You may know all this stuff, but your emotions are going to waffle back and forth.

[New Day]

Overall, pretty good. I was filing some papers and came across some encouragement cards that I gave to my husband within the last few months. It s amazing how there can be some really good times in there but that bad far out weighs the good times. Just the almost constant tension and living like strangers is too much.

I am starting to begin to have thoughts of worry for him. I am reminding myself that he is an adult and he does have all the best resources available to him. What adds to my worry is that we have two wonderful dogs and they are with me. A great comfort! However, I travel a lot during the week. My husband eagerly said he would stay with them when I am gone in the evenings. Tomorrow will be the first night and I am worried that he will forget, not come on time, etc. Again, amazing how you think you have learned and I am doing it all over again. I have very good pet sitters at my disposal that will do overnights. If I continue to worry about the reliability of my husband I need to remove this and get the pet sitter.

I also have a very strong circle of friends and family that love and respect me. My parents have been no less than wonderful. What is also great about them is they are not attacking my husband, but supporting me! It is great!

You may know all this stuff, but your emotions are going to waffle back and forth.

You said a mouth full!!

[MootPoint]

I'd be looking into those pet sitters! I wonder if he would think pet sitting is an in to your house again. I'd give that some thought.

You mention the bad times outweighing the good. I'd suggest holding onto those good times too.

What is also great about them is they are not attacking my husband, but supporting me

That is a BIG thing! I'm glad to hear it.

Good for you for getting the quote thingie down. I wasn't sure how good my instructions were

[New Day]

Hello-
I did get the pet sitters straightened out. But unfortunately, I think I may have stepped back on to the merry-go-round. I was late getting back from out of town (delayed flight) and he stayed to check on the dogs and did not go back to the hotel.

I have implemented different boundaries with our finances. I am just so dissappointed that after he came "clean" with his therapist and dr and telling me that he is not and has not refilled his internet prescription of pain med...I found them this morning and he did...one full week ago. He had them when we had our heart felt talk this weekend, after attending church in which the sermon was about troubles and temptations. He expressed how the service was speaking to him.

I am getting better though. I am not sick to my stomach, I am not scated about the future. I am thinking what do I need to do to stop this cycle in myself so I am continuing to take the focus off him and shift it to me.

Question about codependency...since I don't trust him, I even told him that this weekend, is it codependent for me to look through his brief case looking to confirm my suspicions? In writing this, I believe I have answered my own questions, if I have such strong feelings that he is lying then what kind of a relationship is it and where do you go from here?

[MootPoint]

as you've said, you've answered your own questions.

I am thinking what do I need to do to stop this cycle in myself so I am continuing to take the focus off him and shift it to me.

Yyyyyyyyyyep.

I'm glad you're getting better. You can't fix him but you can help you.