First Experience With Major Depression

[mrhodes01]

Hey all. I'm a drunk and use the other boards, but my latest bender and the fallout has left me seriously depressed. I've seen my doctor and been taken on and off medication, and I get worse every day in spite of the fact that I'm doing more each day (exercise, breathing, etc.). My life is essentially back to normal except that I hate myself and can't enjoy anything, but I don't just lie around; I'm actually doing all my normal activities, which should help. But it makes it worse--I think, "If I'd have done this or that, I'd really be enjoying this now." Wrong way to think, I know.

I'm borderline suicidal (want to, but no plan), and I can't tell if I'm serious, and if I am, I don't want to say anything because I don't want to be hospitalized. I know that things will get better as I go through recovery stuff (starting tonight), but I just can't take it anymore. It's been three weeks since I drank and did what led me into this, and I haven't forgiven myself or been able to move forward. It seems the harder I try, the more down and anxious I get, and I just stew all day with very little relief. Also can't sleep well, though I've used prescription drugs to help get a few hours here and there.

I was prescribed an antipsychotic yesterday to slow down my brain a bit, and that seemed to help. But now the minutes are like weeks and I can't accomplish anything. I need to buck up and get on with my life, I know...

Any advice for waiting this out or getting out of it for the first time? Heck, I really lose it when I think about the fact that this is likely to come back sometime in my life. It's too much to bear.

[MootPoint]

Hey mrhodes,

Recovering drunk and occasional suicidal here too.

I'm borderline suicidal (want to, but no plan), and I can't tell if I'm serious

Do you have a councellor you can talk to? WHen I've talked about suicidal ideation and pointed out that I DON'T have a plan, they (therapist and pdoc) are cautious but don't try to hospitalize me.

You already know, but I'm going to say it anyway.. keep your day busy! If you aren't doing anything, pick up a book, go for a walk, even watch a good TV program (I know they are tough to find). Go to a larger AA meeting and get a book called "Living Sober". It'll help with the suicidal ideation too.

When I quit drinking, I was suicidal for a month. Straight. I have no clue how I survived it. I was put back on meds shortly after I got sober and have no clue whether or not it was the meds or it was the sobriety that finally helped.

You talk about being down on yourself...... just the fact that you are sober is an accomplishment.

I haven't.... been able to move forward.

You are moving forward..... refer to "you're sober"

Heck, I really lose it when I think about the fact that this is likely to come back sometime in my life.

I'm going to quote one of AA's axioms.... "one day at a time". It works. It really does! I'm coming up on my year sober and still go suicidal every now and then and I survive it one day at a time.

Please keep on posting.... it really helps!

Oh yeah, congrats on 3 weeks!

[mrhodes01]

I've got a counselor and everything, I'm trying to fix this. I can't stop replaying a stupid decision in my head, and it just eats me up. I should be moving forward and not beating myself up, but it's hard for me to stop the negative thought process. I just get so angry, I should have everything that I worked so hard for. At the same time, I haven't really "lost" anything, so my anger and depression do not seem justified. I can't explain it to anyone else (except my one friend who has depression). I just want this feeling to go away so I can get on with my life as best I can.

[shutterbug]

My suggestion to help you stop replaying these things in your head is to first sit down and write it all out the next time you start overly thinking about it. Write down everything your thinking. Getting it down on paper often helps me get it out of my head. Like a release of some sort.

My second suggestion is to make yourself do anything that can get your mind off of it if you still find yourself obsessing over things. This can sometimes be difficult. I know, but read a good book, watch a movie, play a video game - anything that might work for you. If you could find a relaxation tape those things work wonders. My aunt gave me one years ago when I was going through my first major depressive episode. It's a 10-minute jobber that I can push play and the soothing voice of this man talking with peaceful sounds in the background would actually stop my mind and help me fall asleep or just settle me down and I always feel so at peace after listening to it. The man gives you specific instructions of things to think about to help me stop thinking about everything. One side of the tape is called "A mini vacation." I can't remember what the other side is called at the moment but I remember the tape saying that the exercerses "are derived from the stress reduction and relaxation workbook from New Harvenger Publications." Not sure on the spelling of that. You might be able to search the Internet for it or find something similar at a book store or somewhere.

Good luck. I've also found prayer to work for me also.

Love,
Jenna

[MootPoint]

Hey mrhodes

Listen to Jenna... she has the right of it. I'm listening to her too..... maybe her suggestions will help me with my anxiety. BTW..... thanks Jenna!

At the same time, I haven't really "lost" anything, so my anger and depression do not seem justified

your anger and depression are perfectly justified! You made a mistake and, like all of us good depressives and anxiety agents, you are dwelling on it. Not able to let it go.

I can't explain it to anyone else (except my one friend who has depression).

explain it here then...... there are lots of ppl who know what you are going thru.

Pulling for ya,

Ann

[shutterbug]

True Depression is one of those things that is terribly hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand. My depression is mostly physical in nature and most people REALLY don't understand that.

When I try to explain it, either they have no capacity to understand at all or they say "oh yeah, I know what you mean, but if you just think happy thoughts it will go away. That always works for me. You don't need medication." Um, obviously these people don't realize that it's not that simple. It is much more than that. True depression can be dibilitating without medication and excersize. And this is coming from a person who HATES to take pills for anything which is why I've struggle so much with my depression.

If you really want someone to understand it better, I've found that researching it on the Internet helps a lot. One of my closest friends had no clue what I was going through for the longest time. Then when I discovered I was bipolar and went into the hospital she conducted her own Internet investigation and understands a great deal now. She also printed some things off and gave them to some other people I am close with so that they could understand better.

And Moot is very right. This place is wonderful. I'm amazed everyday at how much people can relate to what I go through. It is nice to be able to use this format to let things out and get positive feedback from people who really understand.

Prayers, prayers and more prayers,
Jenna

[mrhodes01]

Thanks guys. I've been doing lots of research and talking with my buddy who went to hell and back with this about 3 years ago. I've been getting better since I got Seroquel to sleep; that's the first thing that's really knocked me out (even Ambien couldn't stop my gears), and I've found that being better rested goes a long way in being able to concentrate on whatever I'm using to distract me from my ruminations. Also time seems to coming around to my side now. Today was actually better than yesterday; it had been the opposite each day for the last three weeks. Exercise seems to help most; after working out is the only time I feel genuinely OK. Wish I could work out all day. Hope it keeps up.

[Rowan]

Hi there
I'm Rowan, alcoholic, suicidal, major depressive, pill popper, master of self loathing!
Just so you know you're not alone.
I started getting depressed in my teens - my Dad would (and still does) say 'pull your socks up! It's all in your head! You've got no reason to be depressed!'
It seems I never have a 'reason' to cite, but still I suffer from depression. I don't need to justify the who/what/when/where/why/how to anyone. ANYONE.
I just celebrated a year clean and sober. My depressive episodes are fewer and far
between, thanks to medication, meetings, prayer and fellowship. And exercise. I'm big on that too, provided it's a complement to and not a replacement for my recovery.
I still cringe when I think of some of the things I did while under the influence. VERY hurtful and embarrassing things. But I was a speaker at a meeting earlier this month and for the first time, told my story, beginning to end, and I told about the hurtful/embarrassing stuff too. Afterwards people came up to me and thanked me for giving them hope and for my courage. I finally realized that what AA says is true; one day our past will be our greatest asset. One day you will be able to tell your story and show others how they too can recover. You're sober today. You're alive. And you are loved. Keep coming back, please.
Love Rowan

[mrhodes01]

Rowan, we'll have to have a cage match to see who's the champ of self-loathing.

Things from years ago keep me up at night, as do things I did a month ago on my last bender. Now I've been sober for almost month and on some meds and things are getting better each minute. I almost feel normal. It seemed so impossible that I could get back to normal just three or four days ago. I think I'll just be stronger for going through all of this in the last month.

Congrats on speaking. I hope I can be in that position in a few years; but I can't think about that, one day at a time. Thanks for the kind words and inspiration.

[2dayzmuse]

(((Mr)))

Yep...one day at a time.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by mrhodes01

Things from years ago keep me up at night, as do things I did a month ago on my last bender. Now I've been sober for almost month and on some meds and things are getting better each minute. I almost feel normal. It seemed so impossible that I could get back to normal just three or four days ago. I think I'll just be stronger for going through all of this in the last month.

This is just an observation...I think you need to continue your therapy and talk through your past (both years ago, and 1 month ago) because it obviously haunts you. Also, be catiously optimistic about your gains in 'getting back to normal'. Things take time, and don't worry if you have to take a couple steps back, before you take them forward.

Best of luck.

-pedagogue

[shutterbug]

Mrhodes, glad you are doing better and that the Serequel is helping you sleep. I realized last night that I had been wrong something. The tape I was refering to was from the "Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook" from New Harbenger Publications, Inc. ( I had it flip flopped in my earlier reference)

It sounds like you are doing great, but I wanted to share in case anyone else may be interested.

It was prett funny actually. I was looking through some of my self-help books and saw the workbook a friend from work had loaned me several months ago. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until last night that it was the actual workbook from which my relaxation tape is derived from!

I was getting tired so I read the first 2 chapters and then skimmed through some of the exercizes. In doing so, I also discovered that a technique I've used for years to shut off my mind was in there. A friend use to put me under hypnosis for entertainment in college. I was a good subject so he did it so many times that all he had to do was starting counting down from 10 and I would immediatly get sleepy no matter what I was doing. He would tease me with it some times and that's how I realized how powerful it was. I would have to literally beg him to stop counting sometimes.

So when my mind was going 90 to nothing or I just couldn't go to sleep to save my life, one night I remembered this and combined it with visualization and have used it ever since to help me.

Relaxation and Stress Reduction Technique:
With my eyes closed, I count backward slowly from 10 to 1 over and over. If my mind is really racing, I might start off counting at a somewhat rapid speed and then force myself to slow down a little more every time I start back at 10 so that I am gradually forcing my mind to slow also (which works even if your mind isn't racing). While counting, it is important to visualize drawing or writing the number. I picture nothing except the number being written. If my thoughts drift to something else, then I simply resume counting as soon as I realize this.

I've used this mostly to help myself fall asleep, but I've also used it to just stop my brain from driving me crazy or just to relax me if I am at work and find myself stressed and about to strangle my boss.

Congrats on a month of sobriety!