Sober, and it feels like a whole new bottom

[shyQcodep]

As I've been bouncing around this board in the last 8 months (almost as long as I've been sober) this is one forum in which I've studiously avoided posting - I think mostly from lack of standing. Oh well, another door opens...

Since my hard spot two months ago (the ***just want to drink*** day which prompted me to fire my sponsor), my state of mind has gotten progressively worse. A month ago I took a brief (1 week) vacation, and when I got back to work after that I was largely unable to focus on work. I often cry before leaving for work and spend most of the day on the edge of tears, and my weekend days aren't a whole lot better. For the last 3 weeks, I've been lucky to get two good 12 hour periods in the week, with tears, anxiety and apathy the rest of the time.

I haven't had any serious drinking desires in this period, but everything else is falling apart. I've pretty much lost control of the personal finance stuff which I'd begun to get a handle on, I'm doing the absolute minimum on stuff like laundry and shopping, and I've been seriously afraid that I'll lose my job. (Although I learned yesterday that job loss isn't the risk so much as spending time out on disability.)

Last Tuesday I finally told my therapist that I was "open to biochemical support". After she looked at me blankly I said something like "You know, anti-depressants". She agreed that I was in pretty rough shape and that medication was appropriate. It took some time to get my physician on the same page with my therapist, but her fax went off to him this Tuesday noting that my mood had become "labile" and that she was recommending 10 mg per day of Lexapro.

I finally was able to start the Lexapro last night, so I am now a one day wonder authority on Lexapro side effects. I do hope that the stomache upset and gas go away soon.... The good news is that even on day one I haven't had any crying spells. Placebo? Too strong a dose? Coincidence?

I don't know.

James

[In memory of miracle]

Oh James ! I am sorry that you have been having such a rough time ! Its a big accomplishment that you have stayed sober and have chosen to work on yourself . I have depression also and there were days when I was first getting sober it was all I could do to get up in the morning . Because I was commited to making a meeting every day I did get up , when I isolate I am in trouble ! I had to set small goals for myself everyday ( still do somedays ) clean one room , empty one box , make one phone call and it helped me not get overwhelmed ,our bodies go thru alot of changes also , be easy with yourself , the anti - depressent you shared about has helped me a great deal along with therapy . I am here to tell you it gets better ! Hang in there ! Trish

[shutterbug]

Shy and Miracle, thanks for posting. So much of what you are writing about rings true for me. It's often hard to put my feelings into coherent sentences. You both kinda nailed it for me.

Shy, I'm really proud to see someone who struggles so and comes out on the other side - which you will. You are doing all the right things for a better you and a brighter future. Keep hanging in there.

[junem]

Hey shy,
I am having a tough time to. This whole week it has been a struggle to do anything and I am so tired. I am at least glad I am sober and don't have to contend with hangovers on top of how sh**ty I feel. I am just coasting through this and accepting it for what it is (depression) and asssuring myself that it will get better. I am generally allowing myself to just take it easy but am refusing to let myself isolate so i am doing alot of reachig out to others. My prayers are with you. It is true that mental illness creates its own bottoms from where we have to climb out of but it helps to have some support.

[shyQcodep]

Shelly, Trish, Jenna, June - thank you all for your support.

I had a big post written and was about to post it when IE crashed on me :arg: More later.

Thanks again,
James

[MootPoint]

Hi James,

Ugh re IE crashes!

Big cudos to you for keeping your sobriety and your job during this time!

Re lexapro...... I don't know squat about it. I did see nausea as a side effect.

[shyQcodep]

Side effects, the joys of medicine...

First I got gas - and lots of it. I made the mistake of taking the first dose relatively late - at 10PM, and I woke up at 3AM with gas pains and I couldn't get back to sleep. The gas has continued but it seems to be fading; I didn't really have any trouble from it last night and I would have gotten over 6 hours of sleep if our cat hadn't started rattling blinds at quarter to 6 this morning :cursebunn

Now I've got a charming combination of nausea and fatigue - the dopy sort of feeling that can come from anti-histamines. I'm not exactly thrilled.

On the other hand, I haven't had a single crying spell - and I have been able to cry. One of the big concerns that I had with the AD was that I might end up feeling "flat" and unable to cry. Day 1 felt somewhat like that, but last night and this morning I was definitely feeling the feelings and even shedding a tear or three - just not with the same depth or urgency.

All of this is way too soon to draw any conclusions, but I do hope that the stomach upset / gas pains and the nausea / fatigue combination fade away over time. I've read patient reports of the gas pains going away in about 3 days, but I've also read reports of continuing low grade nausea (which may account for some of the weight loss reports). One of my f2f friends who had been on Lexapro did mention fatigue the second time I talked to her about it (the first time she said she hadn't had any side effects).

J.

[Kit]

Hey Shy, I can tell you that my husband takes lexapro and a friend of mine does as well. The stomach distress DID go away for them within a few days. I know my husband really feels it works and likes the medication. It does take a while for the build up effect to really kick in - I think it was about 2 weeks. Is that what your doctor told you?
FYI, I did go on a different med, paxil, and it made me crave alcohol, so whatever you do - DON'T GO ON THAT!!! ok?
Love, Kit

[In memory of miracle]

Shy - Sorry you are having gas and glad I am not in the same room ! Sorry ! I had to laugh ! I have been on the Lexapro for I dunno 4 -5 months now , I have no side affects that I am aware of except most days I am not deppresed anymore , I am glad you are feeling better . Keep the faith ..all will be well ..Trish

[Live]

Lexapro (20mg) is my salvation. (on other meds as well, but it is the foundation)

I am amazed you felt better so quickly, it takes 6 weeks before it builds up enough in me for their to be noticable improvement.

The side effects go away.
I do take mine at night because it causes fatigue. Not sleep, fatigue.

It just gets better, you go!!!!

[shyQcodep]

{{{Ann, Kit, Trish, Tena}}}

Thanks for all the support. It's getting better for me bit by bit - the gas has just about gone away, and the nausea / fatigue combination was less intense today - down to not debilitating. The other good news is that I began to feel my anxiety fading.

J.

[pedagogue]

Shy,

Sounds like you are adjusting.

As for IE crashing....come over to the nerd side....: http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/index.html

Firefox has a built in pop up blocker and it doesn't have the security holes that IE has.

Best of luck.

-pedagogue

[shutterbug]

Shy, glad to hear you are doing better. My dad takes lexapro, but he also drinks and his depression is pretty bad right now. (He's either having a nerveous brake down or his undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar is about to get the best of him - not really sure). He didn't tell me about any side affects thought.

I also remembered that I tried lexapro for about 3-4 weeks once and the lethargy sucked big lemons. It didn't seem to be helping my depression (which I now know I didn't give it enough time) and because of the tiredness, I just quit taking it.

As Live said, I've been told and read that it takes, on average, about 6 weeks to really start working. I'd guess that you are just so relieved to have some hope for relief that it has made you feel better just knowing your taking actions toward serenity. Which is the biggest step you can take. Just don't give up or stop taking the meds like I did. I struggled needlessly for many years by not staying on my anti-depressents.

Also, does your work offer a type of temporary or short-term disability? I knew mine did for pregnancy, but I wasn't aware until recently that I could qualify for the same benefits while dealing with my depression. It's been a true blessing because the benefits pays 50 % of my salary for up to 12 weeks and 1/2 of a vacation day was used for each day off work (until those were gone) so I've recieved full-pay for nearly a month. All my vacation days are gone now, so I'm not sure how I will pay bills with only 1/2 a pay check, but I needed this time off more than I think I even realized. I really hope your job offers something like this. It's always good to know it's available even if you might not necessarily need it right now.

Good luck and keep us posted on you progress. I'm curious to know how you will feel when the lexapro starts kicking in full throttle.

[shutterbug]

Oh, and I wanted to tell you that I'm not an alcoholic, but I understand what it feels like to hit bottom. It's horrible, horrible, horrible. But I know it will get better. I just have to keep climbing and you can too.