MB's Thread (was 506 days sober....)
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Well, friends.
I think I am done with celebrating any of the "normal" holidays till the New Year Eve.
Thought yesterday's Birthday was good overall, it still shook to the ground my super-fragile kind of balance in life - and bombarded on me acute feeling of inadequacy.
Today I feel emotionally burned out and dead inside.
One great book said "Normal is modern slavery".
I want to break my chains.
I think I am done with celebrating any of the "normal" holidays till the New Year Eve.
Thought yesterday's Birthday was good overall, it still shook to the ground my super-fragile kind of balance in life - and bombarded on me acute feeling of inadequacy.
Today I feel emotionally burned out and dead inside.
One great book said "Normal is modern slavery".
I want to break my chains.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Originally Posted by Lyoness 
You're welcome. 
I just got the "get over it, stop living in the past, wave your magic wand" speech from who I hoped would be my new doctor. I wish they could understand the extra pain, shame and guilt they cause when they say that shite! Just stop living in the past. I explained I don't live in the past, my past lives in me every moment of every day. In the way my brain developed, in my DNA and epigenetics. And no amount of wishful thinking will alter it.
I mean would they tell someone with a broken leg to just "get over it"? Stop thinking about it? Just walk on it because really it's not there, you're just harping on it? Of course not. But mental pain, "invisible" pain is fair game.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but I knew from reading your posts that you've had these types of experiences too. I don't know what the answers for people like us are. I do know that knowing we're not alone in our pain and experiences helps. And I'm trying to do something I've never been able to do, I'm trying to accept myself as I am--wounded, damaged, failing. Accept my reality as valid and maybe even worthy as any other. I don't really know how but just the concept makes a tiny twig of peace stir within me...
I wish us all peace.
I just got the "get over it, stop living in the past, wave your magic wand" speech from who I hoped would be my new doctor. I wish they could understand the extra pain, shame and guilt they cause when they say that shite! Just stop living in the past. I explained I don't live in the past, my past lives in me every moment of every day. In the way my brain developed, in my DNA and epigenetics. And no amount of wishful thinking will alter it.
I mean would they tell someone with a broken leg to just "get over it"? Stop thinking about it? Just walk on it because really it's not there, you're just harping on it? Of course not. But mental pain, "invisible" pain is fair game.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but I knew from reading your posts that you've had these types of experiences too. I don't know what the answers for people like us are. I do know that knowing we're not alone in our pain and experiences helps. And I'm trying to do something I've never been able to do, I'm trying to accept myself as I am--wounded, damaged, failing. Accept my reality as valid and maybe even worthy as any other. I don't really know how but just the concept makes a tiny twig of peace stir within me...
I wish us all peace.
MB, may you catch a glimmer of releif now and then. The boxing sounds like a lifesaver for you. Your earlier post speculating on anticipating death made me nod in understanding. I'm with you on that one. I suppose on the upside, we don't have to suffer the fear of death that many non-depressives feel.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, friends.
Big test for me today - working at top-level negotiations.
I feel anxious and hit by another bout of depression.
It just totally p*****s me off - I have all the skills and knowledge required to perform a good job, and still feel paralyzed and "small".
I will come back to you later to say how it went.
Hugs to all.
Big test for me today - working at top-level negotiations.
I feel anxious and hit by another bout of depression.
It just totally p*****s me off - I have all the skills and knowledge required to perform a good job, and still feel paralyzed and "small".
I will come back to you later to say how it went.
Hugs to all.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Well, they just called me that the meeting is cancelled.
Another lesson learned about not freaking out in advance)
But honestly I don't know - whether I am relieved or disappointed - I've already tuned myself into "it's a challenge to flex my out-of-comfort-zone muscles" attitude. It's a shame when a good challenge goes wasted.
Ok, at least I have the Sunday all to myself and I am going to make it productive.
Thank you all for support!
Have a great day.
Another lesson learned about not freaking out in advance)
But honestly I don't know - whether I am relieved or disappointed - I've already tuned myself into "it's a challenge to flex my out-of-comfort-zone muscles" attitude. It's a shame when a good challenge goes wasted.
Ok, at least I have the Sunday all to myself and I am going to make it productive.
Thank you all for support!
Have a great day.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Just so freaking tired to be always serious, feel like i cant afford to make a single tiny mistake and have to carry the world on my shoulders. Feel like i am going crazy.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Ok, back home. It's Friday night, beautiful day, no "pressing" issues , apart from me bleeding cash to pay off debts every month, but ...it always can get worse, right? Lame reason to feel happy , if you care to ask me. And right now I am as miserable as it gets. Because I hate myself so much I am ready to tear myself apart, and I am doing this - in a passive and inner aggressive manner .
I am orbiting the same vicious circle again and again. The worst torture for me is lack of action. To be ready for action but constantly keep the foot on breaks and run my engine on idle speed which wears out the spirit and goes nowhere leaving me suffocating in cloud of waste exhaust gas.
Why? Because action requires getting out of my isolation shell. And I can't do it. Once I am out I start acting on the assumption that I am inadequate, lame, damaged goods. Doesn't matter how I look, what I accomplish and how bright the sun is shining - I always feel profoundly flawed and in a constant rush to "fix" myself so I can steal a sigh of relief now and then and relax for a couple of moments.
It's like walking every day being afraid to make an incautious move and my skin will split open and all my raw nerves will be exposed to abuse.
I am tired. I hate everything about life. Sorry.
I am orbiting the same vicious circle again and again. The worst torture for me is lack of action. To be ready for action but constantly keep the foot on breaks and run my engine on idle speed which wears out the spirit and goes nowhere leaving me suffocating in cloud of waste exhaust gas.
Why? Because action requires getting out of my isolation shell. And I can't do it. Once I am out I start acting on the assumption that I am inadequate, lame, damaged goods. Doesn't matter how I look, what I accomplish and how bright the sun is shining - I always feel profoundly flawed and in a constant rush to "fix" myself so I can steal a sigh of relief now and then and relax for a couple of moments.
It's like walking every day being afraid to make an incautious move and my skin will split open and all my raw nerves will be exposed to abuse.
I am tired. I hate everything about life. Sorry.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Thank you for support.
I've been pretty much in two minds recently. On one hand, I feel like it's time to leave a lot in the past and stop complaining because it doesn't help with anything. On the other hand, when I am constantly telling myself to "man up", I kind of disconnect with where I came from and what I have already achieved. And I can't find balance in this duality, if it makes sense.
Thank you for support.
I've been pretty much in two minds recently. On one hand, I feel like it's time to leave a lot in the past and stop complaining because it doesn't help with anything. On the other hand, when I am constantly telling myself to "man up", I kind of disconnect with where I came from and what I have already achieved. And I can't find balance in this duality, if it makes sense.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
Hi, all)
Thank you for support.
I've been pretty much in two minds recently. On one hand, I feel like it's time to leave a lot in the past and stop complaining because it doesn't help with anything. On the other hand, when I am constantly telling myself to "man up", I kind of disconnect with where I came from and what I have already achieved. And I can't find balance in this duality, if it makes sense.
Thank you for support.
I've been pretty much in two minds recently. On one hand, I feel like it's time to leave a lot in the past and stop complaining because it doesn't help with anything. On the other hand, when I am constantly telling myself to "man up", I kind of disconnect with where I came from and what I have already achieved. And I can't find balance in this duality, if it makes sense.
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue
I feel like it's time to leave a lot in the past and stop complaining because it doesn't help with anything.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, Beckindalways, and Astro.
Really want to start challenge of 30 days of not complaining though... But dealing with inflamed adenoids right now ( I am a real pro to get kids' diseases) which makes me feel like crap and puts in whining mood all day long.
It's really challenging for me to put borderline between useless energy-draining complaining and healing compassion to myself. I either totally numb and reject my feelings, or scream when pain overflows.
Really want to start challenge of 30 days of not complaining though... But dealing with inflamed adenoids right now ( I am a real pro to get kids' diseases) which makes me feel like crap and puts in whining mood all day long.
It's really challenging for me to put borderline between useless energy-draining complaining and healing compassion to myself. I either totally numb and reject my feelings, or scream when pain overflows.
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