hanging by a thread

[lswad]

Hi there-
This is my first time visiting the mental health section; first came here for the Nar-Anon chat because my husband is a cocaine addict and recovering.
But I'm not. I'm scared and so angry and low. I was just surfing the threads and saw the suicidual read this thread. Well, I read it just to see what it said and towards the end started crying and just felt this tightness in my chest. Rising panic because it's the way I feel and I don't want to feel this way. I think about it when my mind wanders. How it would feel and what it would be like and then I snap out of it and feel incredibly scared.
My husband closes down when I get upset; he tells me to stop yelling and crying and be quiet to give him some peace. I finally told him that I'm screaming and screaming for someone to listen to me and that doesn't even work. I tried going to therapy but can't seem to keep an appointment to save my life. haha, that's ironic. I know I have to go because this is going to get worse and not better. I know it in my heart, but I find it incredibly hard to go and don't understand why. I don't want to feel this way but have had cycles like this since I was a teenager. But it's never been this bad. I find myself not being able to shake the black cloud following me and sleeping more and more. I know where this is going and just don't want to go there again.

I don't want to blame my husband but it's like his recovery and his things are all he can handle (barely) and I am not a factor in his dealing with day-to-day things. He is doing well with holding a good job and going back to school and being responsible but I feel like I am drowning and drowning and I am tired of screaming. I am tired of looking for him, someone, anyone to see me falling because no one does and I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my energy. Energy that I know I'm going to have to use to save myself.

God could I be more pathetic? WEll, thanks for listening to my rant. I feel better just getting this off my chest and not having to censor myself for anyone.

[MootPoint]

Hi lswad

Firstly, you are NOT pathetic. You are human, and you are in pain. You need to express that pain.

You know what you have to do..... take care of YOU. Your husband's recovery is his business. You are your business.

[qoute]I finally told him that I'm screaming and screaming for someone to listen to me [/quote]
It really sounds like he isn't going to listen. He has decided to not listen.

I am tired of looking for him, someone, anyone to see me falling because no one does and I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my energy. Energy that I know I'm going to have to use to save myself

Yep. You have just given yourself some sound advice. Maybe next time you want attention from him, you should read that.

I tried going to therapy but can't seem to keep an appointment to save my life.

I'd give it another whirl, if I were you. My therapist deals with one crisis after another from me. For the most part, she is an ear to bend, which she does very well.

have had cycles like this since I was a teenage

Do you have a psychiatrist? If so, does he know about these cycles?

Better advice givers than me will be along shortly. Keep coming back here. Keep posting, keep reading.

Ann

I am also thinking that the first step should be your family doctor or a psychiatrist. When we are in deep depression like this it's hard to climb our way out. Sometimes we may need help with medication to give us the added boost we need to develop new coping methods. You also may have a diagnosis that needs to be treated with medication. Only the doctor would know for sure.

I've been in emotional states during different times of my life when I could not help myself. Please go see your doctor.

Hugs,
MG