A peak into my freak

[liveweyerd]

It happened today.

I got an email from my boyfriend in Florida that they have found a problem with his heart and he has to go for an MRI tomorrow.

My throat felt like it was swelling shut, my hands started shaking uncontrollably.

In my mind I am begging "please be well, please be well, please don't die."
Any one would think that but in me it is amplified 1000X

Immediate medical help needed! I slip a Xanax under my tongue, to stop it, thinking I will read and nap...climb into that womb.

I know what is happening. Of course, it is related to my son's suicide.

Past traumas have super-sensitized my hippocampus.
This reaction I am having is a complicated electo-chemical process going down there.

I fall asleep and have a night terror. In my sleep, I am telling myself, just wake up Tena, open your eyes. But I can't do it. When I wake, that's all I can remember.

Now, I am awake, a bit shaken...a feeling that my own mind raped me.
Bits and pieces are coming back to me. From the middle and end of the dream, I would like to know how it all started but my mind isn't going to go there ever. I can just tell.

The details are unimportant to relate...it was quite simply a dream of pure terror, magnificently intense.

Right now, I feel as if I've had my fingers in the light socket.

I am glad I wasn't screaming. I have done that before without waking myself.
I would be pretty damned embarresed if people had come knocking on my door to see if I was okay. The funny thing is, it wouldn't have woke me, I'd have incorporated it into the dream. They would have to break in the doors and shake me awake. I scare other people too if they are unlucky enough to be around it!

I am not afraid to go back asleep. I have brought it into the light of day here. Indeed, I'd like some rest. That serial killer psycho book I am reading will be a treat! That's just a puzzle, to figure out who dunnit before the author tells me.

But, there, folks, is the anxiety disorder, naked and bared.

They began 15 years ago, before my son's suicide. Used to be an every night all night thing. Began with losing custody of my daughter unjustly. My little darling I raised more or less alone for her 13 years. I would go on bloody killing sprees in my sleep over and over. In the daytime I was too depreesed to move, to care if I lived or died. :dead:

I've got other issues going on right now, I am very upset with 3 people who have through carelessness left me in a lurch, so there are mitigating circumstances to make me a bit more vulnerable.
But it all comes from fear. It is all about fear.

The trigger was without doubt that email.
Please don't die!

Sigh. I am okay. I have been through this before. It's been along time since I've been that scared. Long time since I have had a night terror.
But my unconscious dipped me into the land of pure terror.
At the end I was trying to kill myself to get enough attention to be heard.
That is very directly about my son. I knew what was going to happen and no one would hear me. Called me a drama queen.
He's dead now.
I had the DR check him into the hospital, he was furious at me so his dad checked him out against medical advice. I begged them to get rid of the guns. The police told them to get rid of the guns. Nope, wouldn't do it. He shot himself.

I live with all this and more every day. I heal a little more everyday, But I had a rough episode today.

Thank you for letting me tell this. I would not burden my family, they couldn't handle it. They would be too scared on my behalf. I hate it when people walk around me on eggshells with that wary watchful eye.

If I had to right now, I could shower, dress up, put on makeup, go out amongst friends and no one would ever know. I know how to hide it. Half a xanax to hide the rattling hands. and I would be fine and have fun right along with them.
But I am a glutton for punishment (JOKE).
I'm going to take the Xanax, sip herb tea, write, read, relax or whatever I want to do..make something pretty. I prefer to be left alone for awhile.

I know from experience it doesn't show, but my face ought to look like Munch's scream.

I know I will be digesting all this a piece at a time as I am ready for the rest of my life. Just as long as I don't let it destroy me, I'm cool. I am healing. And paradoxically, because of it much stronger than the average Joe/Jane.

Some of you think I am brave for hopping a plane to an unknown country. Shucks, that's nothing! See!

Please don't pity me, I don't want it.

I just decided to step out of my usual distanced intellectual stance and get really real.
I think there is something here that might help someone else a wee bit.
And it helped me, thank you.

Tena

[shutterbug]

Hang on...I'm here (barely) but I'm here.

[sweeks]

I wish I could think of something eloquent to say to tell you how strong you sound....but I can't so I'll just say it. I don't pity you! Even though you joke about it you sound very brave and strong.

[liveweyerd]

Thanks, I cried just to know you took the time to hear me and respond.

I so rarely allow myself to talk about these things.

Your responses feel like hugs!

I hope you get a special blessing for your kindness and care.

[liveweyerd]

There is some humour here...this episodes give me diarheaa and I am out of tp. That is not important enough to go out for....I am tearing up old t-shirts!

Took that Xanax and am just about back to my normal self, except for the t-shirt runs.

I think that is hysterically funny!

Think a vacuum hose would put an end to that problem?

[MootPoint]

I know from experience it doesn't show, but my face ought to look like Munch's scream

Yyyyyyyep. Know the feeling

I wish I had something eloquent to say too. But I do not.

All I can say is that you are obviously very strong and that I read your words and empathize.

I can't even say "I'll pray for you" because I'm having prayer issues. However, I can say "I'm sending warm vibes your way".

T-shirts??? I have to admit, that is funny.

Ann

[sweeks]

Hey old T-shrits are nice and soft anyway... lol

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

There is some humour here...this episodes give me diarheaa and I am out of tp. That is not important enough to go out for....I am tearing up old t-shirts!


I think that is hysterically funny!

Think a vacuum hose would put an end to that problem?

That is so YOU Live!!! thanks for the heads up on where you were.

I have no words at all for you, no I don't pity you, I admire you.

Sending that serenity I mentioned before.

[liveweyerd]

Moot, I prefer warm vibes.
My mom is always praying for me...to be the daughter she wanted!

Paulie, what can I say....I love you...you have helped and healed me for almost two years now.


sweeks, thank you. I love your no pity.

By tomorrow this will be over.

I'm sure as hell not going to hug it and hang onto it.

Tonight I needed support. and here you are!

Warm vibes coming in....and sure faster than the flight here!

You all make a difference I want you to know that in your heart.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

By tomorrow this will be over.

I'm sure as hell not going to hug it and hang onto it.

(((Live))) I love that, and I need that for a few things in my own little life.

Sending hugs Tena

I could think back on my own life with all of your words. It was a terrifying experience to say the least. There isn't much worse than feeling like you're not in control of your mind. I've had my throat close up so bad that I had to call an ambulance. The sleep paralysis dreams are the worst. I just had one the other night. It was the first in years.

I can just tell you I've been through it too and I don't go through it now. It's such a gradual healing.

Big hugs,
MG

[liveweyerd]

oh, MG, I was a little worried about refreshing old horrors for you.
But, like, me they are your daily realities, we live with them everyday whether we speak of them or not. But they do become the past and we do heal. Progressively, not all at once.

It's been along time for me too, since I was dipped into the full blown terrors.

I expect things to keep working themselves out in my soul, a little at a time, it's part of the healing.

That email just brought some of it afresh. It is in the present.

Does that super-sensitized hippocampus ever go back to normal. I think my research says no.

I knew you had lived this too...but I don't believe your avatar! You sure don't seem wobbling on the edge to me.

Altho' I admit your mind is in sci-fi land! So what?! Many of the brightest minds are!
They are ahead of our time!

Don't know what happened to you last week, it is none of my business, but I hope you are well and I know you are moving on.

You are a guide to so many of us!

I think I've made it past the worst, so it gets better from here.

Really, I am a loss for words. So I offer my appreciation and admiration.

I do hope I have clarified for some the difference between normal anxiety and ANXIETY.

I'm just taking a break. I started my new business and it has been extremely stressful for a couple of months.

It's nice here in Sci-fi land. You should try it, lol.
It beats reality. I've had a couple of huge light bulb moments watching Star Trek, lol. The Matrix was the best ever. You really should see it if you haven't already. Just the first one though.

Is that really you in a Halloween costume?

[liveweyerd]

Yep. I've got about 12 different versions of witch and jokes to go along with each costume.

My favorite was when I walked up to my daughter working as a hostess and she didn't recognize me until I was right in front of her. She blushed beet red.
She's rather conservative and has to deal with a mom like me.

Been wondering about your business, but didn't want to pry.
Glad, whoopee! for you.

Let's see how many people did it take your old tyrant to try to relace you?

Awww, my daughter got a streak of my orneriness, I am the only one that can recognize that distinct twinkle in her eye when she is getting ready to pull one off. And she knows I'll go along with it without missing a beat.

I can't repeat what she did when it was time for boyfriend to meet mom, but she has the all-time award for audacity. He went red from head to foot and almost fainted.
Then we giggled ourselves silly. and high-fived each other!

You are the prettiest witch I've ever seen.

Oh that poor boyfriend. Sounds like fun though, lol.

[shutterbug]

Live,

What can I say except that you are such an inspiration to me. I value and hang on every word you say. Your strength also amazes me as too. I REALLY like the old t-shirt idea!! I've been in that spot more times than I can count and it sucks. When my X and I were living together I could send him for toilet paper, but for a year now since he's been gone I've had to go it alone and I have to admit I've grabbed a few wash rags at times, but then I feel guilty throwing them away. Old t-shirts is such a better idea!!

I also have to tell you about a dream I had a couple of days ago. It was about my last ex who was never faithful to me and some unknown girl he was with. I am not the fighting type and have never punched anyone, well except for my sister a very long time ago, but I was beating the crap out of the woman in my dream and kicking her too. I woke myself up though when my foot went kicking into the hard wooden arm of my sofa. (Boy did that smart).

I turn into a mean green fighting machine in my dreams.

And these two dreams always make me laugh...It was again when I was living with my X-fiance several years ago and although I never really proved any real unfaithfulness, his actions and calling other girls on the phone all the time was enough to drive me batty and cause many a fight.

So one night I was dreaming about him and another girl and starting fighting the girl and I woke up punching him really hard in the back! Another night, I was again having the same type of dream and while we were both asleep I kicked him clean off the bed and into the floor!!!!!!!!!! lol, heheheheee. I love that one. He couldn't be mad at me because I had been asleep and I didn't feel guilty because it was my subconscious and I couldn't have prevented it. So he got what he deserved and I didn't feel bad one tiny bit.

So luckily I don't experience the type of dreams you have, but I sometimes get to act out my revenge!! So any players out there best just stay outta my bed because this sweet and timid girl just may knock your block of when you least expect it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[liveweyerd]

that is so funny I don't even know what to say. Except I can't stop giggling.
It is really easy for me to imagine!!!!
I've got an ex I wish I had done that to!!!! I am jealous!

[shutterbug]

I chuckle every time I think about it!!! (I think there may be a little devil inside me somewhere )

I just keep picturing him flying off the bed and having this confused look on his face from not knowing what hit him!!! I can't stop laughing now :laugh2: ...I have to pee...

[liveweyerd]

I can't stop laughing either!!!
I one time kicked a dude hard square in the jaw. He had a talk with me that I had damn near knocked him unconsious the next morning and that I might really hurt him.
It shouldn't be funny 'coz he never did a thing to hurt me.
But I couldn't help myself, that little devil, that sneaks up and whispers in my ear...said well I only missed because men have been lying to me my whole life about what 12 inches is.
I'd blush but you've got me laughing too hard.

[shutterbug]

Well,

My thoughts are this...guys shouldn't think that just because we are women that we can't knock em to the ground. Because we can!!! Even the little tiniest of women can often bring a grown man to his knees. The difference is that we are not ego maniacs who like showing off how "manly" we are. We try to be lady like, but some times you just can't help yourself and ya gotta give em and big old *WAP* to let them know they can't just treat us how ever they want and always get away with it.

Here's another story for ya...one night I was at an event where several highly respected and wealthy men from our area were dressed up in drag for a big fund-raising event. They were parading all around and dancing on tables which was just hilarious, but one of them came up behind me and spun me around real fast and planted his big, lipstick covered lips right on top of mine. I didn't even know who it was that I was trying to get away from and was shocked when I fought him off and found out! He was the one who I knew best of the bunch and whose girlfriend I worked with every day!

I had his bright red lipstick smeared all over my face!!! I immediately left and drove straight back to the newsroom. I was in shock. Pure and simple. When I told my boss who transfered their lipstick to me, well everyone else was as shocked as I was.

Apparently one of the reporters (who is kinda like a mother figure to me) saw him the next day and gave HIM a good talking to :nono: . Well that night he had to come into the newsroom to pick up some things. I had been in the darkroom and didn't see him come through but I walked out.... right as he was coming back through. He saw me and from across the and said he had hoped I wouldn't be there , but since I was he made a formal appology to me in front of everyone and said it would never happen again.

It was great! Actually, none of us could believe he had the balls to appologize in front of the whole newsroom. That was sweet revenge. Although, I've often thought back on it and kneeing him in front of everyone at that fund-raisor would have also been pretty nice too. But I guess at least this way he and my co-worker can still have kids. They got married shortly after the incedent.

That's a harder story to tell in print than in person. But if You can understand how well known this man was in the community... well it's pretty hilarious, just because it's so unbelievable that he would act that way and in front of so many other influential people!

Now all the guys on here are probably going to think we're man-hating. I'm not, I'm just telling the facts ladies and gentlemen. And that is, never under estimate the power of a woman!!!

Can I get an Amen?


;P

[liveweyerd]

I have been divorced for 12 years. I tell people that I really do believe in marriage and until death do us part so I have to be very careful so I won't have to kill the SOB.
And that's no joke. I am telling the truth.

[shutterbug]

Then why am I laughing out loud??? huh?


I'm not worthy!!

[shutterbug]

Sorry, about that. I know you were serious. Shame on me. Shame on us.

Bad us. Bad us.

You can slap me now... :slap:
And then I'll slap you.

I don't want either of us to go to jail over some SOB!

Shame on us...bad us....( must chant over and over to remind ourselves) :nono:

[liveweyerd]

I am laughing myself silly too.

My daughter would actually have to remind me of that, saying, you can't kill him, mom, I still need my mother. re: ex-boyfriend always cheating and making me go crazy. She was oh, 19 at the time.
I always said to myself, I can't believe somebody hasn't killed him all ready.

Ya know what happened? This past April, his gf at the time got drunk and did shoot at him. Grazed him. And he wrestled the long gun from her and beat the holy crap out her. She was the one who got really hurt.
But, of course, he is the victim and she is the lunatic.

Friends back home got the news to me right quick. Know what I did? After 2 years of no contact, I called him up. Gloated, laughed at him, rubbed his nose in it, that it wasn't ME it was HIM, why I have never been so well and prosperous. Been on this cruise, went here, went there. Told him living well WAS the best revenge.

I am not ALL bad, I did call her and try to shed some light. But she wasn't ready to hear it because it was coming from me.

And, yeah, she is in a world of trouble and pregnant too.

MY God, I am glad I found SR. It could easily be me facing attempted murder charges.

And I have NEVER been able to understand that relationship until last night when I ran across the s-anon discussion. All the pieces of the puzzle clicked in place!

Paradoxically, we are friends now...he and I....he came to FL and helped me tremendously or I wouldn't have got it all together to come here. And he drove my car and the belongings I wanted to keep back to Indiana to my daughter.

And it was tremendous for me to find out I wasn't still sucked into it by seeing him.

It kinda blows his mind that I don't personally respond to how much or whether he is drinking, who he is screwing and I tell him to his face he has an abuse problem. I tell him I wish he would get well or this is the only life he will ever have and then let it go. It is not my problem. Hallelujah!
Sometimes I ask him to tell me the truth about some things and he hesitates and I said ya gotta realize I really don't give a damn I am just nosy.
He can't understand that, that what he is doing does not impact me.
ahhh the never ending stories.

[shutterbug]

Wow, your x-guy sounds a lot like my x-guy. I'm still kinda addicted to him though so I have to maintain distance by no face to face contact and some other things like that or else WAMMO...I'll be back in land of denial, lies, abuse, none-stop cheating and shear misery. Then when something knocks my eyes open and I look around and see that I don't like this caotic place I've landed back in...I just kinda seem to scratch my head and say, "How in the heck did I let this happen AGAIN?"

Duh! It almost never fails. I've been a doormat more times than I can count. Alanon is really opening my eyes and I can now recognize many drunken manipulation attempts that I use to think were acts and words out of love. WRONG! He can't help that he's a pigeon...he just is. But don't get me wrong, he has some beauty inside...it's just hiding under all the poop right now. LOL