I'M cycling too rapidly and need it to stop!!!!!!!

[shutterbug]

From one day to the other,
From one sentence to the next,
I don't know how I will talk, walk or react.

New meds, Major depression of this episode is leaving me feeling hopeless.
I'm scared. I've gained 10 pounds in less than 10 days trying eating candy to thinking it might fill this void I have. I crave candy bars and chocolate everything.

I want to be a functioning human again.
I don't want to feel so different from everyone else.

They (my sister, husband and kids) are all asleep as well they should be, but here I am. The weird one, the insomniac who can't spell - you know, the crazy one. Why can't I be like these other peoplem I know who grew up with great family environments and have self-esteem and self-worth?

I have too long of a road ahead of me to be feeling this horrible already. I just want to be loved. Rationally, I know I am loved by you guys and my family and friends, but it's not the same. All my life, I've searched for someone to fill that void and make me whole - and never found it and never will.

I wish I was cold hearted and couldn't feel this pain that's been with me forever. I'm in such a dark and lonely place right now.

needing things I can't have right now,
Jenna

[runningfree]

wow,
It is as if I wrote the same thing... I feel the same way. Everyone here is wonderful,but they will say that it has to come from within. I know that I am loved, but I need something more. The self esteem just doesn't happen after not happening for so long. I love my children and husband and they love me, but they can't fill the void of lost love of so many years. I too hope that the answer or feeling will come. Please let me know when you find it. I also will do the same for you. It is a struggle that no one should bear alone!

Keep looking...as will I

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by runningfree

The self esteem just doesn't happen after not happening for so long. I love my children and husband and they love me, but they can't fill the void of lost love of so many years. I too hope that the answer or feeling will come.... It is a struggle that no one should bear alone!

Keep looking...as will I

I'm jealous. I have no children; no husband - just emptyness and lonelyness. Not lonelyness from being without people to be around, because I've been spending time with friends and family to help me through this, but just lonelyness.

My alcoholic called tonight last night after I posted and I usually don't talk to him when he's drinking, but I needed that I think...or was God testing me??? We are both searching for recovery so are we meant to be there for each other as we travel through this journey...or is that just my will instead of God's???? He called when i needed him. Isn't that God working in my life?



I guess I need to pray more about it
Jenna

[liveweyerd]

Take it easy on yourself, especially with new meds. As you recover, so will your self esteem.
Self-esteem is the reputation you earn with yourself. And depression tells you that you are worthless. It will get better, but in the meantime sometimes it is enough to survive.

These days I get lonely, but not empty. However, I am by nature pretty much of a loner....caught up in my own head and projects. Lonely because I miss the people I love. But I can call the old ex, because we have a special rapport. In a relationship, he is crazy as hell and abusive. But long distance, in time and space, has allowed us to be very special friends.

So, cool, if you had a helpful conversation.
I couldn't have any contact with mine for two years because I was addicted to him and it messed me up badly.
But today, he is one of my dearest friends.

The emptiness does get filled with yourself, trust me. It takes time being well.

It is an immensely frustrating and helpless feeling getting there. And, yes, it feels unfair to have to work so hard to be and have what "normal" people have always had.

And, ya know what? I didn't brush my teeth today!

I am so about taking care of my insides, I neglect the outside. That's a symptom.

I will never be cured, but with proper treatment, the illness is arrested.

And then there are those "off" days mama never told me about

I chant to myself, "This too will pass" annd I use escapes...reading, sleeping, writing.

With care and concern,
Tena

[shutterbug]

Thanks live for being here for me through all of this. I'm in such a fog. I don't even know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing.

I'm usually a slow decision maker, but lately "slow" has been an understatement. Even simple questions like "Do you want to stay at your sisters another day or two, or do you want to go home," have me confused. I really am suprized that I am coherant enough to communicate on here. I guess my HP knows how much I need this right now so he is making sure I can type.

I haven't brushed my teeth in more than a week - YUCK!! I haven't brushed my hair in a 5 or 6 days, so it very tangled and is just up in a clip on my head...At least I have on clean clothes and had a bath Friday. Life is hard right now. Life is confusing right now. I was having suicidal thoughts last night. No plan...just thoughts of wishing I wasn't here any more and not wanting to be this zombie who doesn't know what to do with herself and is just surviving.

Prayers, lots of prayers please.

:crying:

[shutterbug]

I'm sleep my life away; and reading and writing - well I just don't have the energy for that

[MootPoint]

I'm not qualified to give you advice on bipolar. Just wanted you to know I'm sending warm vibes your directions. And lots of hugs.

I'm so glad that you post.... its good for you and its good for us.

[2dayzmuse]

(((Shutterbug)))

[shutterbug]

Thanks guys. just came online for a few and then it's back to sleep.

Muse...how did you know that I'm a fanatic about rainbows? They are so precious and their meaning...just the kind of help I am needing. Thanks.

[reikihelps]

Hang in there Shutterbug,

I have a son who is bipolar. I'm convinced that lonely feeling is part and parcel and will pass as the meds kick in. Can you draw, paint, or write to ease this phase?
I like getting out of my thoughts when I struggle with my depression. getting inside them makes me so much worse.
Healing energy coming your way,
Reikihelps

[shutterbug]

Thanks Reiki,

Photography is my creative outlet. I get lost through the eye of my lens. Everything suddenly becomes beautiful to me. However, when I went into the hospital, my mom had to take my nice, beautiful, expensive, company owned camera set up back to the paper so they would have to let a free-lancer fill in while I'm on leave. It's okay though because I don't have the energy to get out and take pictures anyway. I've been saying that if I can get my mind working again that I will use this time off from work to re-do my resume and photo portfolio, but it's been almost a month now and no energy to even think about it.

Writing, well I do a lot of that when I'm not this depressed and shaky. It's much easier to type then to try and write with a pen so my journal sits empty while I occasionally log on here to type out some thoughts. Mainly I'm just tired of thinking all together - which is scary.

I wish I could paint. If I could turn my darkness into works of art, I'm sure I could be rich, but I've never gotten into painting. If I had the money to buy some paints, brushes and canvases, I would probably give abstract painting a shot, but I can't afford anything right now.

I just sleep and numb my brain with television and a few menial tasks here and there. It's a pretty blank existence right now.

Please keep me in your prayers,
Jenna

[reikihelps]

Hi Shutterbug,

I will keep you in prayer.
I was wondering.....have you ever tried seroquel? It is newly approved for bipolar. I know several people having very good success with it and the side effects are few (I read about your meds on another thread).
Have you ever tried making mandalas (circular patterns....you fill them in and you can draw images to express what your feeling) There are lots of good books on them. I really like them. The help settle me.
Hope you're getting better and better.
Reikihelps
aka Mamabear

[Wolfstarr]

HI Shutterbug,
Bless you and your love for things like rainbows...I just found out the other day what ROYGBIV stands for...(duh, and I am old)!
Prayers prayers and more prayers are being sent your way dear heart. I think of you often. Hoping you are feeling better.
Wolf

[shutterbug]

Hi guys, I'm a little nervous about logging on here tonight because last time (3 days ago I think) it brought me out of my depression (a very good thing), but then I kicked into overdrive into manic mode and I ended up having a 14 hour "recovery" session and then a panic attack because I couldn't make myself stop typing and reading. I couldn't find closure to the marathon of forum posting and just couldn't stop!

I've never had a panic attack before (well, I may have and either don't remember or just wasn't as in-tune or aware of what was going on at the time), but it was a very scary experience for me. I ended up starting a thread in the friends and family forum (where there were more people logged in and where I was at anyway) and just started typing everything I was feeling and thinking and asking for help. It also helped me remember to take one of my anti-anxiety pills and I think it helped me to just stay in one thread and "talk myself down" and also know that people cared about me during my distress. I think it helped bring the closure I needed to be able to get off this thing...which led me to have the BEST DAY I've had in several weeks. It was a good day once I got past the panic attack that is.

I am so grateful for this place and all of you.

I've been somewhat manic ever since. I had been up for more than 36 hours straight by the time I got home and laid down to sleep Thursday night. And even though I should have slept soundly I barely slept at all. I just kept waking up all night and well as you can see I'm still up (this is now Saturday and I've been up all night again, however I didn't log on until 4 a.m. this morning).
It is so weird and overwhelming at times to be aware of what is going on with me now and I often get very frightened. I thought my new meds had amplified my symptoms and was why I had been experiencing mood changes so rapidly (from one sentence to the next or from one day to the next), but tonight I had a late night dinner with a few of my co-workers who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks and I had been cycling rapidly before the meds. Going to work is like going to see my family everyday, they are such great people and the girl I am closest to told me that once she and some of the others read up on bipolar - everything suddenly made since. She also told me that I had been cycling several times a day before I ever went into the hospital and got on these new meds. Looking back now, I remember, but at the time I just wasn't realizing what was going on. I don't know how or why I didn't question my rapid changes in mood swings, but I just didn't.
This is kinda funny...The one example she told me about was a few days before I went into the hospital. A group of us girls were having lunch together and I was "up". I was my happy, smiley, bubbly self and then just an hour or two later I "dropped." The funny part is that I dropped in the middle of one of our weekly staff meetings and began dosing off to sleep.
Picture a rectanglar table with my boss sitting at the head and me sitting in the first seat from him along the side of the table --- perfect eye contact range and setting. Well I was trying VERY hard not to doze off, but when I did,he stopped what he was discussing and told me to wake up because it was important that we were all paying close attention to what he was telling us. Boy, I REALLY tried to stay awake then!!! I was already on thin ice with him for my recent performance and low productivity. I couldn't afford to make him mad at me for anything else. But off I slumbered again. This time he KICKED ME from underneath the table! I just knew I was toast! There is no telling how many times I dozed off during that 45 minute meeting because most the time my head would start to drop down and it would wake me. After the meeting I asked a co-worker if I had been snoring. She said I hadn't been, but could tell I wasn't far from it. lol
I can laugh about it now because luckily my boss was in a good mood that day and when I cencerly appologized later...he laughed about it with me.

[shutterbug]

((((Mamabear)))), I haven't tried Seroquel. I was just put on a mood stabalizer (Depakote) a few weeks ago. I think I had about 10 days of meds in my system when I started this thread. Though I will definetly keep that in mind if I don't start seeing the results I should from the Depakote. I am feeling much better and hope this will continue. I'm afraid of "dropping" again because my general doc want's me to start back to work this coming week and while part of me is really looking forward to that....a big part of me is kinda freaking out about it. Small, menial tasks are still a struggle for me and I don't feel I have a handle on myself yet. I'm afraid of pushing myself too hard (which I always do) and then I end up in the hospital again. I also have to do a lot of driving, thinking, organizing, talking, writing, prioritizing (a REALLY tough one for me right now) and remembering with my job. My short term memory is shot and my driving, even when manic, is still downright scary. I almost hit a car hop at sonic today as I started to pull away from the window after paying, but before getting my order!!! :scared1:
Oh! Thank you so very much for the idea about drawing mandalas (and for your prayers)! I've never heard of mandalas, but it sounds simple. I'm going to try to find an example of one before I log off!

((((Wolf))))), Bless you! Your post touches me so very deeply. I am only making it through this by the grace of God and he is hearing all the prayers because I see him working in my life around the clock to offer me strength when I need it and leading me on the right path. I know he is beside me through this difficult time and I also believe there is a reason for all of it. I use to feel burdened by all the talents and interests that he has given me because I often felt conflicted about them. I didn't know why he gave me so many when he knew there would be no way I could master them all. Now, I know better. I'm being prepared for something and have had that feeling all my life, but I feel it now more than ever. I know there is a reason for it all, but I still have more to learn before it is shown to me completely. I'm starting to see the direction he is taking me in, I'm just not quite sure of the final destination yet. So please know how much your prayers and thoughts mean to me! Those are the things that keep me going each day. You have made me feel truely loved!
Oh and ummmm...I'm not quite sure I know what ROYGBIV stands for either??? I've never hear of that. Although, if I had to guess...I would say it stands for the colors of a rainbow (Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and ????Violet???). But if that is right don't feel bad. As a photojournalist I am familiar with CMYK (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and ummm Black... I think) and RGB (Red, Green and Blue). The context of it also led me to that guess, but if I'm wrong please tell me what it means!

((((Tena)))), ****Update**** Although, I am feeling better and have actually gotten out of the house the last couple of days...well, I still haven't brushed my teeth (yep, Queen Stinky Breath here so be thankful no one's invented smell-o-net yet! lol ).
Don't get me wrong. I want to brush my teeth. In fact, I'm really insecure about it and keep worrying about the likelyhood of offending someones delicate smell receptors! The problem arises from the fact that I somehow lost my toothbrushes. And everytime I think about going to purchase one of those cheap little plaque eradicating utinsels, I remember why I haven't yet. I seem to have a serious problem walking into any store and being able to walk out without an arm full of "must have" items that I really don't need, can't afford and don't have any more space for! (Luckily my mom brought me some deoderant when I discovered I had lost that too! That's the one thing I CAN'T go without since it's still kinda hot here and I don't have air-conditioning right now.)
It's a vicious animal, this disease we have. It affects so many different aspects of our lives. I almost wish I was still in the dark about it sometimes...or could just forget for a while. Ignorance can be blissful and before, when I didn't know what was really going on, I could blame some of my problems on other people, circumstances or whatever.
On the other hand, I have been able to let go of some of my guilt for past indescrepencies. Like being late to work and important assignments or events. I thought I could somehow control and force a regular sleep pattern so that I could then wake up on time and be to work. I now know it wasn't from my stupidity or lack of will. I was in a manic episode when I've stayed up all night cleaning or working on a project even though I knew I had to be at work early and that it would be a full 10 or 12 hour day. Or I would stay up all night and then get tired and lay down with my alarm set to wake me in 2 hours and then not be able to get up and to work on time. Letting go of guilt is GREAT for the soul!

((((Runningfree))))

You said, "wow, It is as if I wrote the same thing... I feel the same way. Everyone here is wonderful,but they will say that it has to come from within. I know that I am loved, but I need something more. The self esteem just doesn't happen after not happening for so long. I love my children and husband and they love me, but they can't fill the void of lost love of so many years. I too hope that the answer or feeling will come. Please let me know when you find it. I also will do the same for you. It is a struggle that no one should bear alone! Keep looking...as will I "

I'm sorry it has taken me this long to reply. I'm really thankful to have people helping me like you and Live who know first hand what this monster is like. On the other hand, I'm am deeply saddened when I realize that means you are suffering too. The self-esteem issue is one I've been fighting since I can remember. I forced myself in college to be an extrovert at times instead of hiding in my room 24/7 or never talking to anyone on the way to or from classes. It helped my self-esteem in many ways. But I haven't figured out how to eradicate the deep-seeded issues that keep me wallowing in guilt and down-talking myself constantly. I'm always left with never feeling good enough to find a good man to love me, never feeling satisfied with what are my "best" efforts, not feeling worthy of someone's praise....and on and on. I know I am deserving and hard-working and talented, but my inner child is still just a scared little girl standing in the corner hoping to become invisible and always trying to figure what she did wrong to mess things up this time and how she can be better in the future. I now know most of my low self-esteem stems from my anon issues and for the first time I have the tools to fix what has been broken, which gives me hope. Each day that I learn to set a new boundary for myself and how I am treated, I feel I gain a peice of my self worth back. It will be a long road trip to find the whole puzzle, but one for which I am grateful to be in such good company for the ride.

((((Moot)))) Thanks for the encouragement to keep posting because it helps to get my feelings and thoughts out and to receive some encouragement and constructive criticizm if need be. I often feel selfish for spending so much time talking about my issues rather than reading completely through someone else's thread and trying to help them. Other times it feels stupid to write such long posts (I think this one is a record for me, lol), because as a journalist I know that the longer the piece the less likely someone is to read it entirely (unless they have a huge interest in the subject matter). But then I realize that I don't care if anyone reads all of it or part of it or even NONE of it because it helped me to organize my thoughts and put words to feelings and just to get it out. I don't even bother to think much about if I'm using the correct writing style, punctuation or SPELLING! I just write. I have also noticed that by talking about things in this format first, it makes it SO SO much easier to talk about those issues with other people like my friends, family and even my theropist and general doctor. Feeling at ease in telling people what's going on with me has really saved me. No one can help if I don't tell them what's wrong! (P.S. asking for help has always been very hard for me to do, but I'm learning how to ask for what I need). And if by ANY chance my ramblings EVER help someone else in any way....well that is totally icing on my whole world!

I love each and every one of you with all my heart and pray we each find one of Muse's rainbows after the storms.

Jenna

[Wolfstarr]

((((Shutterbug)))))
Hey you got it perfect! The colors of the rainbow...
Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo and Violet....and they are always in that order.

Many rainbows to brighten your day and the feeling of their glow to remain with you in the evening...my wish for you.
Many prayers still coming your way,
Wolfstarr

[shutterbug]

Thanks Wolf, tomorrow will make a full week of almost feeling myself. It's been nice, but I'm just waiting for the bottom to drop out again. I know it's coming I just don't know when. :saywhat?:

[Juls]

ShutterBug,

I'm not Bi-Polar, yet, but I have certain symptoms of it that worry me. I'll get so depressed and withdrawn, and then I'll get real hyper and want to start all these projects, or buy things, and overspend. I don't usually finish any of the projects I start. I can really relate to all the things you said you were feeling at the beginning of this thread. Also as far as Mandalas are concerned, (I'm a little bit of an artist), I remember one time when I was going through a particularly bad time, because I couldn't really concentrate on anything, and I couldn't sleep, I started drawing Mandalas. Their really pretty simple. You can use colored pens, pencils crayons, etc. I used colored pens, fine and med points, and I used heavy art paper so it wouldn't bleed through. Using a light pencil I made an X from corner to corner on all four sides, then lined it again through each middle. This was so I could have my Mandala look as equal as possible. I started my little design in the middle and built around it. Now years later, sometimes I'll look at them, and it really amazes me how beautiful they are.

One of the things that makes it hard for me when I'm going through my "spells" is that because of being so hurt early in my life, it is very difficult for me to feel "love" from others. I know that somehow I have to learn how let my walls down and open up so that the love of my husband and friends can penetrate. This inability leaves me feeling very lonely.

I hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself. Never give up trying.

Juls

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by Juls

ShutterBug,

I'm not Bi-Polar, yet, but I have certain symptoms of it that worry me. I'll get so depressed and withdrawn, and then I'll get real hyper and want to start all these projects, or buy things, and overspend. I don't usually finish any of the projects I start....

One of the things that makes it hard for me when I'm going through my "spells" is that because of being so hurt early in my life, it is very difficult for me to feel "love" from others. I know that somehow I have to learn how let my walls down and open up so that the love of my husband and friends can penetrate. This inability leaves me feeling very lonely.

I hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself. Never give up trying.

Juls

Juls, I will be praying that you are not bipolar, but if you are it is better to find out sooner than later and we are all here for you. I know all too well about starting all the projects and never finishing any of them and about spending money I don't have on stuff I don't need. Although, there are times when I am manic when I start a project like cleaning my house and I just keep going and going and going. I can't seem to come to a stopping point even when completely exhausted until I come to some sort of conclusion to wrap things up or I completely finish the task. I'm not sure why sometimes I'm like that and others I can never finish anything???

I too was hurt many times during my childhood. I was malested by my uncle when I was 6 or 7 and he went to prison for it. Then in fifth grade my parents divorced and we went to live with my father. My mother (even though still living in the same town) basically abandoned us. It was like a chore for her to see us every other weekend. My dad quickly remarried and I had hoped I would finally have a true mother figure in my life, but my step-mother and her daughter (who was the same age as me) completely ignored me and my sister for the six or so years until I graduated high school and moved out to go to college. During my life, my father let us continue to be treated this way and was never there for us emotionally either. We grew up being treated as though we were just in everyone's way and no one loved us. My step-mother made very sure for many years that we did not feel welcome in our own home.

My father is in such denial that he will probably never come to realize how much harm he did to me or allowed to be done to me. The only hope I ever have of overcoming any of this hurt is to continue in Alanon and individual counseling which is slowly but surely teaching me to love myself and teaching me that I have a right to be happy and to set boundaries for myself.

My pit of darkness may be too deep to ever fill with love for myself, but I must always try. I can't give up and neither can you. We are all too beautiful and precious to let the demons in our lives win out over the angels.

It's a hard road. I know well. The feeling of not being fully loved is very real and very painful. And my temporary fixes have always been...well temporary.

It helps to know you are all here. Thank you.

[shutterbug]

I'm no longer cycling fast. I'm no longer manic. I'm no longer severely depressed. I'm just here.

I feel kinda numb. I wonder if I'm in a mixed state because I still seem to want to sleep a lot although I don't feel like I've been trampled by a herd of wild elephants. My mind is working better, but I still cringe at having to do menial tasks. The difference now seems to be that I can make myself do a few things I have to and before no amount of will or determination could get me to do anything.

Memory is still bad which stresses me out when I forget important things.

Right now, I'm actually feeling a normal kind of depression from the news about the death of a friend and longing for my ex because I haven't been able to keep up with Alanon lately.

I'm lonely. Even when I'm with people I really enjoy being around or haven't seen in a while, I struggle to hold a conversation. All that comes to mind is my current battles and miseries and what I've been going through. More guilt comes on when I have to stop my first impulse and instead listen to them or talk about them. Guilt from being so self-centered that I can't seem to get my thoughts off of wanting some kind of relief.

I seem to be searching for comfort where no comfort exists. But where is it? Not sure at the moment.

I want to feel normal again. I want to be happy and stay happy (on the whole of course). I want to give back to my friends and family the love and support they have given me, but I can't seem to.

I'm still sick. I had such high expectations of getting on meds for my bipolar. I pray this isn't what normal feels like. Yes, I know it's normal to greive for the sudden loss of my friend, but even before that...I was still on auto pilot and my plane was just going in circles. It still is except now there's a storm overhead.

I don't expect anyone to read or keep up with all my ramblings here. These are all just notes. I just feel the need to record some of my thoughts and emotions as I go through this episode so I can look back on it later and remember how I felt. I didn't journal through my last severe episode 7 years ago so this is my way of journaling.

[liveweyerd]

shutterbug,

I appreciate your journaling!!
How long have you been on the current meds now.

It has been my experience that it takes two months to truly stabilize in my system. So, you may be in that limbo of adjustment still. I know you are a whiz and can educate yourself about your illness and the prescriptions.

For me, I can not begin re-building a good life until the meds have done their work. I recovered quickly this time, because my system is used to them and I only missed a few days.
If they had cleared out entirely, it would take me 3 months or more to get back on my feet! YUK I won't play that!
Can't afford the misery!!!!

[shutterbug]

Well, in looking back at an earlier post in this thread, I think I've been on the Depakote for around 33 days now. Although, I've been on anti-depressants for more than a year. So I'm kinda surprized that my mood hasn't been more elevated. The trip to the phychiatrist next month may help. I don't really know.

I want some energy back! I want some motivation back! I want to be able to live again! I don't know if it's due to the bipolar or the meds or the adrenal thing or what, but I'm about to go stir crazy from not feeling up to doing much at all.

Dios Mi! How much longer do I have to tred along before I feel somewhat normal again?

I have another appointment with my general doc Thursday and I'm scared to death that he's going to release me to go back to work. But then I've been so isolated because I can't motivate myself off the couch very often - so I don't know. Maybe it will be good for me. But my boss told me today that if I'm released to come back that I'll have to come back full-time right away. No tapering back up to it or anything. Just BOOM and I'm back in all the muck.

I'm confused and frustrated and stressed and overwhelmed - yeah, pretty much all at the same time. The appointment with the phychiatrist is for Oct. 16, but I'm still not really sure what the difference is in him and my general doc who has been monitoring me by appointments every 2 weeks. I mean, I know the obvious difference, but my general doc seems to be more knowledgable than I initially thought and he is more familiar with me.

I need some serenity too. I haven't been to an Alanon meeting in a long while now and I can't seem to get myself up and around in time or I have a counseling session or something else that seems to always interfer.

I don't know really what I'm even saying. I've pretty much been little more than a vegitable for the past few weeks. I can't seem to make myself be social, but I crave it all at the same time.

At least, I'm not so depressed that I'm physically hurting or ill anymore, just tired. And my moods seem stabalized with some lulls into depression, but mostly I just still kinda feel numb. Is that normal? Do you think I might start feeling alive again anytime soon?

Sorry for asking so many questions. I just know that you know more than I do about all of this.

Live, yeah I've researched the bp until I'm tired of reading about it. And I haven't had the energy or the forethought to really research the Depakote. I know a little about it, but can't even remember that at the moment. All I know is that the side affect of my hands shaking finally seems to have stopped and I'm loosing some hair. Not major hair loss, but enough for me to notice when brushing it or washing it. Luckily I have thick hair so unless that gets worse I think I'll be okay in that area. The dry mouth was also an expected side affect and doesn't bother me too terribly.

Thanks for being such a great friends to me and for all your help.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I'm still craving a conversation with my ex. He called me 11 times friday night (7 times on my home phone and 4 on my cell). I was at my sisters and was so sleepy that I went to bed at 11 or midnight and even though I had a feeling he was going to call that night, I forgot to grab my phone from my purse in the kitchen and take it into the bedroom. I know he was drunk, but that was the second time he's called in the last 2 weeks or so and I wasn't able to answer. The first time didn't bother me one bit, but this time I was really wanting to talk to him and then he called and of all nights to go to bed that early. Oh well, I guess fate stepped in. I know he's toxic, I just still crave the good in him. stupid, I know, but none-the-less I do.

[SD_Val]

Hiya! I am new here. I have a dual disorder addiction/mental illness AKA: BiPolar I Disorder. I cycled very rapidly here recently when I got clean, sober, and psychiatrically stable (or so they said when they kicked me out of the nut house, lmao). I take Seroquel and it is a life saver for me. I was on Effexor which pulled me out of my catatonic stage, however later I learned it caused 7 months of mania which I didn't recognize. It gets better. Mania is common, I am told, during early sobriety as well. Doc told me just do what it takes to sleep and enjoy my productivity. Like that is easy. Any how. This thread struck my heart and mind so I wanted to post. Very good luck to you.

[shutterbug]

Hi SD_Val,

It's nice to meet you. I've been updating my situation mainly through my other thread called something like "Help, I'm going through a major bipolar episode."

I've had lots of treatments since I last posted in this thread and am now on Lamictal instead of Depakote. I'm doing much better, but I'm still having the rapid cycling mood swings...they just aren't as pronounced as they were. I'm not on the optimal level of meds right now. I still have a ways to go, but at least I know where I'm going now.

hugs,
Jenna

[Trust]

Your fight is not easy, but time is on your side; you have to make yourself
believe that this too will pass. Each of us has to be truthful with ourselves;
face our own guilt; conscience, no matter what we have done to ourselves or
others. The time frame in doing this is different with all of us. Meeting one special person, finding spirituality, writing it all down, chatting in groups etc..all of these
things help; but above all keep believing in yourself. You may fall/fail a hundred thousand times; but keep getting back up. I believe that
the Serenity Prayer applies to everything in life that can/does happen to each
of us. Reading books are educational this is true, yet there is no better lessons in
life than having walked/ lived the path of the I'll say the alcoholics/drug addicts life.
Being depressed is the lonliest feeling in life and it's effect is different on each
of us; keep in mind you have to nourish your body with good food, vitamins, sunlight
and Soul food. And we each have to find out own way to the Soul; And We/You
will....................because..Time Is On Your Side. For the holidays...We can all have
family, we have to look around. Love is All round everyday in the year..
Not just at Christmas Time.......You're gonna Make It..BELIEVE IT ....love, Truth