Depression
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Depression
I am trying to kind of hide this post somewhat but at the same time I need to get my feelings out somehow. I am currently battling severe depression. I think it is mostly brought on by my alcohol use. I am trying to get back to day one, it just seems like a lost cause. Drinking puts me in a very, very dark place, I didn't actually realize that until I had 67 days sober. I had a therapy session today and I was almost hospitalized until I realized what was going on and backtracked and explained I wouldn't harm myself with my mom being so sick. Which is true. I don't want any regrets. I need to be there for my mom and my family, I would never forgive myself if I wasn't. My therapist wouldn't let me leave today without a "safety plan" in place in case the thoughts come about again, which they always do when I have been drinking. Drinking is literally killing me, no question about it. And I still can't stop. Why can't I stop??? I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve people to care about me. Why am I even here? Nobody owes me anything. It would be so easy to say goodbye, but I can't hurt my family like that. I am stuck. I want so badly to be sober again, or if that is not possible, for this just to be over. I know this is the alcohol talking but it is so, so strong, much stronger than I am. I can't control it anymore. I don't want regrets. I am so lost, I don't know what to do anymore.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I suffer with depression and have felt the same way you do now 
It's great your going therapy I am too for depression & anxiety
I'm really sorry about your mum & can relate there too
Emme you don't have to hide your posts or the way you feel when I felt like this I just wanted to be invisible so the world couldn't see me some days I'd just be alone wishing I was somewhere else
I'm here to say its going to be ok & you can lean on me or SR 24/7
You don't have to be alone with this Emme I know what it's like
It's great your going therapy I am too for depression & anxiety
I'm really sorry about your mum & can relate there too
Emme you don't have to hide your posts or the way you feel when I felt like this I just wanted to be invisible so the world couldn't see me some days I'd just be alone wishing I was somewhere else
I'm here to say its going to be ok & you can lean on me or SR 24/7
You don't have to be alone with this Emme I know what it's like
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: London
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Hi Emme
I am so sorry you feel that way. I can only recommend a couple of things, someone has recently recommended the site getselfhelp.co.uk. It has a lot on there about depression.
Additionally, you might like to start writing a gratitude list. It can be hard at first, when I started writing all I could say was, 'I am grateful I have clothes to wear', 'I am grateful I have food to eat', but soon, you can find yourself looking out for things to write in your gratitude list every day. The more and more you write, the more optimism can replace negativity.
You are never alone on SR, I have realised that the last few days. I have found posting my feelings and experiences to be really helpful as I have gone through the last few days and my feelings have been swinging from point A to point Z. I am so grateful to have found this community and there are many people, old timers and new timers, who are here to help.
Look after yourself
K8
I am so sorry you feel that way. I can only recommend a couple of things, someone has recently recommended the site getselfhelp.co.uk. It has a lot on there about depression.
Additionally, you might like to start writing a gratitude list. It can be hard at first, when I started writing all I could say was, 'I am grateful I have clothes to wear', 'I am grateful I have food to eat', but soon, you can find yourself looking out for things to write in your gratitude list every day. The more and more you write, the more optimism can replace negativity.
You are never alone on SR, I have realised that the last few days. I have found posting my feelings and experiences to be really helpful as I have gone through the last few days and my feelings have been swinging from point A to point Z. I am so grateful to have found this community and there are many people, old timers and new timers, who are here to help.
Look after yourself
K8
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Originally Posted by emme99 
I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve people to care about me.
Never give up. People do care.
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Thank you Soberwolf, K8 and Astro.
Soberwolf, sorry to hear you have gone through this as well, I don't wish it on anyone. I saw your post recently about your mom, still keeping you in my prayers. And as always, thank you so much for your support.
K8 - thanks for the info on the website, I will check it out. I do have a gratitude list in the gratitude section I started a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for suggesting it as it does help.
Astro - I don't post as often as I should but I agree with you as every time I have posted, someone has been here. Thanks again for your response and encouragement.
I feel better today but nights are what is so hard, and if I am going to drink, it is also when I have been drinking. I know I need to stop. My therapist gave me the name of an IOP treatment center that she wants me to consider. I don't really want to but will look into it. Thank you all again for your responses and support.
Soberwolf, sorry to hear you have gone through this as well, I don't wish it on anyone. I saw your post recently about your mom, still keeping you in my prayers. And as always, thank you so much for your support.
K8 - thanks for the info on the website, I will check it out. I do have a gratitude list in the gratitude section I started a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for suggesting it as it does help.
Astro - I don't post as often as I should but I agree with you as every time I have posted, someone has been here. Thanks again for your response and encouragement.
I feel better today but nights are what is so hard, and if I am going to drink, it is also when I have been drinking. I know I need to stop. My therapist gave me the name of an IOP treatment center that she wants me to consider. I don't really want to but will look into it. Thank you all again for your responses and support.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
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Originally Posted by emme99
I am trying to kind of hide this post somewhat but at the same time I need to get my feelings out somehow. I am currently battling severe depression. I think it is mostly brought on by my alcohol use. I am trying to get back to day one, it just seems like a lost cause. Drinking puts me in a very, very dark place, I didn't actually realize that until I had 67 days sober. I had a therapy session today and I was almost hospitalized until I realized what was going on and backtracked and explained I wouldn't harm myself with my mom being so sick. Which is true. I don't want any regrets. I need to be there for my mom and my family, I would never forgive myself if I wasn't. My therapist wouldn't let me leave today without a "safety plan" in place in case the thoughts come about again, which they always do when I have been drinking. Drinking is literally killing me, no question about it. And I still can't stop. Why can't I stop??? I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve people to care about me. Why am I even here? Nobody owes me anything. It would be so easy to say goodbye, but I can't hurt my family like that. I am stuck. I want so badly to be sober again, or if that is not possible, for this just to be over. I know this is the alcohol talking but it is so, so strong, much stronger than I am. I can't control it anymore. I don't want regrets. I am so lost, I don't know what to do anymore.
Instead of holding on to the "I can't" and the "I'd never forgive" or anything that is regret or fear based, just forgive anyway!
Let all these thoughts pass out of your system, and by forgiving and letting go, eventually all the negativity attached to them will also find release. It may take several layers, so keep forgiving each other, and it will pass.
Keep forgiving, over and over, no matter how many times the thoughts and feelings come back. Don't let these negative things stick, but let them go by committing to forgive how bad they make you feel.
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Keep your head up Emme. We all have been down but we're working on our behaviors that are trying to keep us down. It's tough, but doable. You are stronger than the drink even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Tomorrow's another day. We get up and keep fighting, okay?
-Ted
-Ted
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
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Hey @emme99
This may be kinda cheating, but when I go too far with the sorrow and sadness thing, I try to think of thoughts that make me MAD just to light a fire under my feet and make me go do SOMETHING. if all the forgiveness and positive blah blah blah doesn't work, try getting miffed off and angry at yourself, at anything, any "easy target" you can focus on that can jump start your brain and get some chemicals flowing. I know that's cheating, it's replacing one thing for another, but hey, if it gets you going, nothing wrong with roll starting a car, until you can really fix it if it at least gets you over the next hill and out of the ditch. Take care, hope a combination of these things help.
If depression still lingers, and nothing changes it, the other thing I do is make a list of stuff I need to get done I never have time to because "im too busy". so while I'm out of it and can't get anything done, I can take my list and get a few things done that I'm behind on and use the time for that. For reviewing and assessing things, taking inventory, sorting things out i never sit still long enough to do. And as soon as I decide this is BORING and yucky, well my mind starts thinking of all the things I'd rather do and starts picking up again. sometimes reverse psychology works, where I decide I am going to ENJOY and make the most of this downtime while it lasts, and then suddenly things pick up and I don't have that time to kill anymore.
Like washing your car to make it rain, or washing your hair to make someone call you; the minute you decide you can use your depressed state of mind to catch up on all the boring tasks you have put off, then the opposite happens, people or things start coming back into your life and hijacking all that free space you were looking forward to spending on quiet things. that trick usually works for me, or else if it doesn't, heck, I get a lot of stupid "boring" stuff done that stacked up so I still get something good out of the deal! Like sorting through all my mail, or my papers in storage that require absolute mindlessness and sitting still as a rock.
This may be kinda cheating, but when I go too far with the sorrow and sadness thing, I try to think of thoughts that make me MAD just to light a fire under my feet and make me go do SOMETHING. if all the forgiveness and positive blah blah blah doesn't work, try getting miffed off and angry at yourself, at anything, any "easy target" you can focus on that can jump start your brain and get some chemicals flowing. I know that's cheating, it's replacing one thing for another, but hey, if it gets you going, nothing wrong with roll starting a car, until you can really fix it if it at least gets you over the next hill and out of the ditch. Take care, hope a combination of these things help.
If depression still lingers, and nothing changes it, the other thing I do is make a list of stuff I need to get done I never have time to because "im too busy". so while I'm out of it and can't get anything done, I can take my list and get a few things done that I'm behind on and use the time for that. For reviewing and assessing things, taking inventory, sorting things out i never sit still long enough to do. And as soon as I decide this is BORING and yucky, well my mind starts thinking of all the things I'd rather do and starts picking up again. sometimes reverse psychology works, where I decide I am going to ENJOY and make the most of this downtime while it lasts, and then suddenly things pick up and I don't have that time to kill anymore.
Like washing your car to make it rain, or washing your hair to make someone call you; the minute you decide you can use your depressed state of mind to catch up on all the boring tasks you have put off, then the opposite happens, people or things start coming back into your life and hijacking all that free space you were looking forward to spending on quiet things. that trick usually works for me, or else if it doesn't, heck, I get a lot of stupid "boring" stuff done that stacked up so I still get something good out of the deal! Like sorting through all my mail, or my papers in storage that require absolute mindlessness and sitting still as a rock.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Please don't drink, Emme. I suffer with depression, too. We can lean on each other here.
Did you know that alcohol and depression are closely linked? Alcohol is a depressant, and it suppresses serotonin in the brain. It can be a vicious circle-- we may start drinking because we're depressed, then the alcohol depresses us more, so we drink more, always chasing that fleeting feeling of euphoria that never lasts very long.
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-t...-mental-health
Let's help each other out of this vicious cycle. We're here for you.
Did you know that alcohol and depression are closely linked? Alcohol is a depressant, and it suppresses serotonin in the brain. It can be a vicious circle-- we may start drinking because we're depressed, then the alcohol depresses us more, so we drink more, always chasing that fleeting feeling of euphoria that never lasts very long.
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-t...-mental-health
Let's help each other out of this vicious cycle. We're here for you.
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Thank you everyone for your responses.
emilynghiem, I like your idea about getting mad at something. I have never thought of that but it might work. I will try it for sure. I will also try your idea about doing boring stuff around the house, I have enough of that to keep me busy for weeks
and see what happens. To be honest, all of the things that I need to do might be contributing to my depression somewhat as there is just so much that needs to be done and not enough time to do it all. I look around and see everything that needs to be done and there is just so much that I am overwhelmed and don't do any of it. So this might help in more ways than one. Thanks for your suggestions and support.
Lorax, thank you. I will keep fighting and keep trying. I am really not sure I am stronger than the drink though but I will keep trying none the less. Thanks again.
soberwolf, thank you for all of your support & encouragement
Retread, I am sorry to hear you suffer from depression as well. Thank you for the link. I didn't actually know they were linked, but I suspected because after my recent stretch of sobriety, I can tell more than ever before that when I drink, my depression becomes so much worse. I am trying to use that as more incentive to quit because the bad feelings I get when I drink have never been this bad before. Thanks for your support and I am here for you as well.
DrakeCKC, that is what I am finding. I just want the depression/pain/anxiety to go away and I am finding the "escape" I get from drinking is getting shorter and shorter and the depression is just getting worse & worse. I have to stop. It is just so hard. Thanks for your response & support.
emilynghiem, I like your idea about getting mad at something. I have never thought of that but it might work. I will try it for sure. I will also try your idea about doing boring stuff around the house, I have enough of that to keep me busy for weeks
and see what happens. To be honest, all of the things that I need to do might be contributing to my depression somewhat as there is just so much that needs to be done and not enough time to do it all. I look around and see everything that needs to be done and there is just so much that I am overwhelmed and don't do any of it. So this might help in more ways than one. Thanks for your suggestions and support. Lorax, thank you. I will keep fighting and keep trying. I am really not sure I am stronger than the drink though but I will keep trying none the less. Thanks again.
soberwolf, thank you for all of your support & encouragement
Retread, I am sorry to hear you suffer from depression as well. Thank you for the link. I didn't actually know they were linked, but I suspected because after my recent stretch of sobriety, I can tell more than ever before that when I drink, my depression becomes so much worse. I am trying to use that as more incentive to quit because the bad feelings I get when I drink have never been this bad before. Thanks for your support and I am here for you as well.
DrakeCKC, that is what I am finding. I just want the depression/pain/anxiety to go away and I am finding the "escape" I get from drinking is getting shorter and shorter and the depression is just getting worse & worse. I have to stop. It is just so hard. Thanks for your response & support.
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
Hi Emme,
I glad that you posted and I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place. I suffer from depression too and when I drank it was ten times worse. For a long time I didn't think it would matter if I quit, or lived because I was so miserable in my own skin. I joined this site and read more than I posted. I had many failed attempts at sobriety, followed by many day 1's. Each time I had a few days under my belt I started to feel subtle change and hope. That was what I needed to see that there is life on the other side of alcohol. I'm now at 90 days and feel like a different person. Life isn't perfect, but now I have peace in my heart and mind to work on the things I need to heal that led me to that darkness. It doesnt happen overnight and it doesn't fix all of your problems, but it gets you back to the authentic you, and you can't put a price on that. Make tomorrow day 1. Stick around here for support and just put one foot in front of the other. Take it one minute at a time in the beginning if that's what it takes. Treat your body with kindness, rest, eat healthy and drink lots of water. Your body needs time to heal. The first few days are hard, but you will notice a difference by day 7. Panic attacks, anxiety, sweating ,pains on my right side are all gone now. SR is the only tool I've used aside from my strong desire to stay this way. If I can do it, so can you.
I glad that you posted and I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place. I suffer from depression too and when I drank it was ten times worse. For a long time I didn't think it would matter if I quit, or lived because I was so miserable in my own skin. I joined this site and read more than I posted. I had many failed attempts at sobriety, followed by many day 1's. Each time I had a few days under my belt I started to feel subtle change and hope. That was what I needed to see that there is life on the other side of alcohol. I'm now at 90 days and feel like a different person. Life isn't perfect, but now I have peace in my heart and mind to work on the things I need to heal that led me to that darkness. It doesnt happen overnight and it doesn't fix all of your problems, but it gets you back to the authentic you, and you can't put a price on that. Make tomorrow day 1. Stick around here for support and just put one foot in front of the other. Take it one minute at a time in the beginning if that's what it takes. Treat your body with kindness, rest, eat healthy and drink lots of water. Your body needs time to heal. The first few days are hard, but you will notice a difference by day 7. Panic attacks, anxiety, sweating ,pains on my right side are all gone now. SR is the only tool I've used aside from my strong desire to stay this way. If I can do it, so can you.
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Hope, thank you. Sorry to hear you suffer from depression as well. I am going to try to make tomorrow my day 1. I have a 3 day weekend so I can spend time at home and relax and take care of myself and not have the pressure of work, etc. I have been drinking daily for about a week now and I was feeling fairly good physically, more energy, etc and now I feel so bad again. I hope I can get through this weekend. Thanks for your comment and encouragement. Congrats on 90 days too
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
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You can do this, absolutely you can. What really helped me was having gratitude, especially in the beginning. It wasn't easy, but it changed my way of thinking when everything seemed overwhelming and impossible. Start your day off by being grateful for one or two things every morning. Like waking up sober! Keeping a journal helps too because you get those feelings out on paper. I know it's hard for you right now, I've been in your shoes. The good news is, it will get so much better. You'll get your sparkle back 
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I am sorry, no one needs to respond I just need to vent for a second. I just watched a reality show that I shouldn't have watched. Two people are battling cancer and it triggered something in me. I have to be strong for my dad & my brother. They are more emotional than me and I have to be there to support them.
I know from speaking to my therapist, and also just because I know, that I can numb myself out - even without alcohol - when I need to in order to deal with things. I have done this to cope with the situation with my mom. Up until right now, I won't deny things have been hard but and I woke up crying once, but other than that, I have been able to block out any "real" emotions and just face things as they come knowing I will deal with it if & when the time comes.
Something about this show tonight broke down some of the walls I have put up and I am not happy about it, but I drank again. My life is such a mess. I don't know why I keep trying, or even if I should. I know I am not going to make it. I am destined to die like this, maybe to help teach others that this is not the way to do things or maybe just because I am not worthy of anything else. Not sure, and I really don't care to be honest. My main concern and fear is hurting my family. And I am feeling that as much as I don't want to, it is becoming inevitable.
I am tired, I am scared and I don't know what else to do.
I know from speaking to my therapist, and also just because I know, that I can numb myself out - even without alcohol - when I need to in order to deal with things. I have done this to cope with the situation with my mom. Up until right now, I won't deny things have been hard but and I woke up crying once, but other than that, I have been able to block out any "real" emotions and just face things as they come knowing I will deal with it if & when the time comes.
Something about this show tonight broke down some of the walls I have put up and I am not happy about it, but I drank again. My life is such a mess. I don't know why I keep trying, or even if I should. I know I am not going to make it. I am destined to die like this, maybe to help teach others that this is not the way to do things or maybe just because I am not worthy of anything else. Not sure, and I really don't care to be honest. My main concern and fear is hurting my family. And I am feeling that as much as I don't want to, it is becoming inevitable.
I am tired, I am scared and I don't know what else to do.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
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I lost my mother to cancer almost 6 years ago I was 27 Emme and it was in the months Aug-Nov that it happened If you want to talk im there anytime I know were on different timezones but you can send a msg if you want
It does get easier but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't numb angry and cold afterwards
It does get easier but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't numb angry and cold afterwards
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