Depression & Alcoholism

[Capt]

Omg Depression after recovery. I have so many thoughts running through my mind, I feel like I need to get them out but is anyone really listening.

Is life really worth living for? Every day I die more and more each day, I can’t take much more of this misery.

I became an alcoholic I did not mean to or want to it just happened and when **** hit the fan cause of my alcoholism I stopped in a heart beat. Some days I wish I had not, I use to be such a strong person, I was a leader, I was strong, and nothing bothered me, nothing at all. Hell you could have told me the world was ending and I would have said ok we will deal with it tomorrow. But not anymore, I am so weak, I sit here day after day doing nothing, nothing unless I have to do something, and when I do something I am miserable doing it. My day consist of waking up in the morning, depending on the time varies from what time I finally go to sleep at night. I will get up and sit at my computer for hours on end. Sometimes chatting online, messing with game servers and playing around with configurations. I will sit here and drink my pop, smoke my cigarettes till its time to go watch T.V. I do get enjoyment out of watching T.V. I will watch T.V. into the wee hours of the morning till I finally fall asleep. Then I will get up the next day and do the same thing all over again.

Everyone told me quit drinking and all your problems will be solved. What f***ing planet are they living on? I am more miserable today than I have ever been in my entire life. I don’t wish this on anyone, including my ex-wife and I would **** on her grave.

I think everyday how life could be so different, I want a different life right now, but nothing I do seem to be helping. I have been dry for almost 9 f***ing months and what has it gotten me? Nothing, not a dam thing but misery. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON AGAIN! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?

I think to myself many times what I have done in life to deserve this, no one deserves this, my life could be worse I know that. Problems arise these days I don’t take the situation head on I ignore them, hoping they will go away. My nerves can’t handle things like I use to. I know it was the alcohol and I was medicating myself to get rid of the problems. I can’t cope right now, it’s like I am a child trying to learn how to be a person all over again. IT SUCKS! I don’t know how much more I can take.

Then there is the medication, Jesus Christ if my wife asks me one more time if I took my medication today I am going to loose it. I have faithfully taken my medication everyday and it’s not helping. I am a miserable to be around and it’s reflecting on my entire family. IT NOT WORKING! IS ANYONE LISTENING?

I was not always an alcoholic, I use to be a very out going person with tons of friends and things to do all the time. I use to work and play non stop 24 hours a day and really enjoyed life. I use to so charming as I am told, but not anymore. I WANT MY F***ING LIFE BACK! But it’s not working out that way. The pain and misery I live through everyday is becoming more and more unbearable. Will it ever stop?

I know I am rambling, but I don’t know how else to getting my feelings out. I have tried to talk to people, but I don’t think they understand what I am going through. My wife, the Psychologist, Family and friends online that I have tried to speak to on this matter. But no one is listening. All I hear things will get better, just give it time. Well bullsh*t to the time, I have tried and tried really hard. It gets worse and worse everyday. God why am I even here right now?

Anything that happens these days I feel like it my fault some how or another. Wife gets upset over something my fault. The kids misbehave or don’t do something they should have done my fault. I live in fear and in guilt everyday. I don’t get enjoyment out of anything in life even when I know I have done something good or accomplished something or even got a pat on the back for something I have done I still feel miserable even though I know it was a huge feat on my part. Why? I wish I had the answer.

Now let’s bring in the finances, I live on a disability check every month, but I was in financial problems before this ever happened. My nerves are shot over money always being tight. My mother hounding me to buy the house we are renting off her. Whether or not the kids will have something to eat at the end of the month before my check comes in. Fear of the utilities being shut off month after month. It goes on and on.

Then there is my wife, god I could write a whole book on this situation. Talk about an emotional roller coaster that has taken its toll on me. (Probably both of us) I told her early on that I really needed her more now than I have in my entire life. I needed someone to hold onto to give me hope. Well if that statement did not turn around and bite me in the ass. She told me that the hope I was looking for had to come from within me and not her. That she did not want to give me and false hope or impressions about out relationship. Why did she say that because the reason I quit drinking was the day I found out she was leaving me over my alcoholism. At first I tried my hardest to rebuild our relationship back up and all I got was rejection from her. Even to this day I am still be rejected no matter what I do or what I try rejection. She told me once she is not ready for a relationship again. So we sit here married in a rut waiting for something to happen either good or bad. We live more like roommates now than a married couple. This may sound selfish on my part, but I am dying for attention from her. I need that closeness right now, more than I have ever needed it in my entire life. I use to talk to her everyday about how I was feeling. I even thought I was and we were making progress. But no just more rejection from her. I am so tired of being rejected when I tried so hard at one point I have given up. I give her space and room to breath. We hardly talk about things anymore. I sleep on the couch. I mean some days we hardly say two words to each other. We both just do our thing and let everyday pass like nothing happened. I watch her get some enjoyment out of the things she does. She likes to chat online and play online games with other people which is fine I really don’t have a problem with that. The problem I do have with that is if she would give me ¼ of the attention that she gives to people online I would feel more needed in her life. To be honest I don’t know why she is still here. Why am I still here? I guess I am hoping that there is till hope.

Then there are the children, my god are they going to turn out ok? How much of an impact did I have in there lives drinking for the last 5 years? I don’t know what to say about this situation. Are they better off without me right now? I know I can’t be making a good impression on them now or the last 5 years. I am heart broken over this situation and don’t know how to make it better. I try to be there Father; I really do as much as I can be. But if I can’t support myself right now how much support am I really giving them? I wonder if they even know what I am going through right now. My oldest son does not seem to care as long as he has his computer and a place to sleep. My daughter on the other hand, god bless her heart. She is always giving me hugs and kisses. This makes me feel all warm and good on the inside. I guess you could say she is the only thing keeping me in this world right now.

There are so many things I want to express right now but I cannot. I am not asking for a pity party. I really don’t know what I am asking; maybe just getting this off my chest will help. But after typing all this and rereading it I don’t feel any better about myself or anything else. I guess I will hold on to the unconditional love my daughter is giving me and hope for a better day tomorrow.

[runningfree]

Wow! That is quite a story! Rest your hand and listen carefully! MANY ARE LISTENING! You are very desperate right now and depression is getting a hold of your being! You need to compliment yourself everyday for NOT taking a drink to numb the pain of your depression. I am not a doctor, nurse or psychologist, but you might want to talk to the doctor again and have your medication changed so that perhaps you can find something that might work for you. My doctor says that 65-70% of depression patients DO NOT click with the first round of prescribed medication. When I heard that I didn't feel so bad.
Your wife is probably scarred right now and is afraid to jump into a relationship. You went from drinking to depression which to her is both difficult to deal with. She has not left you and if you are doing everything you can to get better then she will see that you are trying and she will have hope too! Keep a good relationship with your daughter and try to TALK to your son. It is never to late to open up and listen to them.

Good luck and take each day as it comes.

ALways listening...

[In memory of miracle]

My name is Trish ,alcoholic with depression also .You didnt mention how long you have been sober , the begining can be rough with the mood swings .I promise you if you hang in there it will get better .I find that staying in the now and living in the day works for me . Its too overwhelming for me to get to far ahead . I practice positive thinking today , starting with " I am sober and not had a drink today and that is a miracle " A med check up might also be a good idea .I also use AA as my method of recovery and found that going to a meeting being around people ,getting out of the house helped a great deal . " Move a muscle change a thought " Bless - Trish

[MootPoint]

Alcoholism with depression here too.

And I'm usually up until the wee hours.

I spent my first month bedbound, praying for and planning for death. You don't mention how long you've been sober, but I know it got better for me after my first month.

Just know that you are not alone.

Runningfree and Trish pretty much said it for me..

[runningfree]

I have been dry for almost 9 f***ing months and what has it gotten me? Nothing, not a dam thing but misery. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT TO BE A NORMAL PERSON AGAIN! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?

Just want you to know that we are ALL listening, but I am sure that the others became engrossed in your message that they forgot that you DID mention how long you have been sober. Just in case you wanted to come back and say that know one is really listening.
Each day focus on one little tiny thing to accomplish. If you begin to feel that you can handle that one tiny little thing without much self-talk then add another tiny little thing. Baby steps are better than no steps.

[51anna]

Hi Capt,

I also began drinking as a final effort to deal with depression. I got nowhere with drs and medication. But, finally after 3 different meds and 3 different dosages of the last one, it worked. Don't give up. My life has changed completelty, after living depression for decades. Go back to your dr and keep trying.

I have learned that stopping drinking never solves the problem. It's only the beginning of the journey, that will probably continue for the rest of your life. That's working on yourself. For me, I had to deal with low self-esteem and dependency issues. I've been sober for almost 4 years and I still work on myself every day. But, things get better all the time.

I'm sorry for your despair and I do understand how badly you feel. I hope you know that there are people out here who are listening to you and who care.

Love, Anna

[Wolfstarr]

((((Capt)))))
Hi, I'm Vivian and I am diagnosed with major/clinical depression. I've been depressed for years. I am on medication and stable and doing well. But I have to work on it every day...self esteem issues and low self worth.
I am listening. I am here. I know your despair.
You have been clean for 9 months...what an accomplishment! Focus on your assets, like...your writing. You are articulate and got your point across beautifully. I really don't want to admit this but sometimes when I see a long post, I pass. Yours kept me involved and wanting to know more about you.
51anna mentioned about your meds. Sometimes it takes several tries at different meds to get the right one. It took me 3 times and now I have been on same med now for years, with good results.
Please know we are ALL listening and are here for you.
Glad to meet you, and like said above...always listening.
~*Wolfstarr*~

[Sandy Marie]

Hi Captain,
I haven't completely read your post yet..but wanted you to know that I care and am listening. Will go back now and read. You can private message me if you want.
Sandy

Hi Captain,
I also dislike the emotional rollercoaster that goes with not being self-medicated (alcohol). Sometimes I feel like I want to take a pill for my emotions, but then I'm right back to using drugs again. There's no way out of it. It's either feel the emotions or self-medicate. No matter what our situations are, we have to decide which one is more important to us. Choose sobriety. Going back the other way is going to make everything worse.
Sandy

[shutterbug]

Capt,

Oh my goodness, I printed your thread off and took it home with me the other day. At first I started to put it aside and not read it right now, but as I continued I started seeing similarities one right after another. I'm not feeling well right now or else I would go through some of them point by point. But let me say this. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and I am in Al-anon to deal with my people-pleasing and codependent ways. I have always over extended myself to everyone I cared about because I felt guilty if I didn't do whatever I could to help them.

Just because you are an alcoholic, that doesn't mean you are not an Anon as well. I know many alcoholics who are also Anons.

And here's another major thing...I have just recently been diagnosed as bi-polar and am going through a major depressive episode right now. The last time I went through this was 7 years ago and my docs diagnosed me as having only acute depression. They didn't see that I was both manic and depressive. I'm not a doctor and I'm not saying you are manic/depressive, but it is something you may want to look more into and talk with your doctor about it. I think many bipolars go years without meds because they are misdiagnosed as only being depressed ( I've read and been told that going unmedicated makes the disorder worse as time goes by).

If you are an unmedicated bi-polar who is going through a major depressive episode right now then sobriety will not feel fun at all! But neither would boozing right now either. Everyday that you go without a drink is another day that you are building a happy and healthy, dependant free furture for yourself- no matter what. Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for every hour of sobriety if need be!

We are always listening here. We may be away from our computers at times as we tend to our own lives and well-being, but you are loved and we want to be here for you. Simply because you are seeking help for yourself, you are special to each of us because we are all doing the same This site is like a little present :present: where we each learn to give and take. It's wonderful.

If you ever feel you are not being heard, then private message any or all of us and ask for help. Sometimes in this forum type system, I lose track of the threads I've posted to and I try to keep up, but there's no way I can respond to every post.

I hope and pray you find relief soon and please keep us posted on your progress. You never know when one of us might benefit from hearing your story.

God Bless,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Hey Capt! Haven't heard from you and just wondering how things are going. Well I hope. Hanging in there I pray. Keep us updated on your progress. We all care about you and are curious when we don't hear anything from you for a while.

[liveweyerd]

hi, like Anna I spent many years in depression that became worse and worse. I have lost count of how many different medications I have been prescribed.
You did not say how long you have been taking your prescription, do know that some of them take 6 to 8 wks to kick in. And the waiting is purgatory.
But if in 6 wks you do not feel MUCH better, go back, get a different scrip. It took a long time to find the right mix for me. I now take 2 different antidepressants and their effect in my mind and in my life is a major miracle.

Further the support and care in this site, in these truly genuine loving caring people, whom I can turn to and talk about the things that the world doesn't get was like throwing a life jacket to a drowning woman.

The only thing I know to do during the waiting period for the meds to work is strenous excercise, like at the gym, it releases a feel-good hormone, that gives me respite for at least an hour or more a day and a feeling of gaining strength.

[sadsister]

I just wanted to say this... if you think for one second that you can't be making a positive impression on your children.. you are wrong. My father was an alcoholic (i say WAS because he is no longer living). Even at his worst moments, i know he loved me so much. During his boughts with depression, I wanted to fix everything for him and make him see that his life was more than the room he was spending most of his time - but, he couldn't see that. And, i couldn't make him. He drank himself to death (aside from being severly depressed, overweight, not eating, high bl.pressure, etc)... but, i know one thing.... not one day goes by that I don't wish that he would have gotten it.. that i wish he would have stuck around a little bit longer to understand that there was more to life. I'm getting married next year and, he won't be there to see it.. he has missed a grandchildren being born (from my brother and his wife).... I wish he was more active in getting some therapy. There is an alternative to your pain.. you just have to work thru it. I know how hard it is. I used to drink a LOT and, realized that I can't do that anymore. I struggled for a long time == who the heck am i??? I only knew myself as a drinker. I couldn't even understand the voice that was coming out of my mouth. I went thru a lot of therapy and, still am.. and, i'm glad that at any low point that I hit.. i remained patient and I kept up hope - because I'm still here. I hope that you can find some peace and, have a little faith. I know that your children would want you to be in their life for a lot longer. don't just do it for them - because you won't be able to share their lust for life... you MUSt do it for you. push thru this.. it'll pass. I hope that you are feeling better today.... and, i hope that you hold on. You have to understand that you are NEVER going to feel "perfect" whether you are sober or drunk. Once you accept that you will have good days and BAD days... you'll be able to handle the bad ones. when you fight with yourself and wish it didn't feel bad.. it really makes it worse. accept.. "i feel like **** right now" and, let yourself feel it. It'll go away. just breathe a deep breath...... because you can.

[dstar]

Have you worked your steps? Have you truly worked the steps? I am here I won't to help you. Have you truly worked the steps.

[Don W]

Hey Capt, Welcome. I've had a ruff few days. Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'll post more in morning.