Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and I'm scared!

[shutterbug]

This is the first time that I know what is happening to me and the first time going through it as an adult with a full-time career.

I should have been diagnosed as bipolar in college 7 years ago when I couldn't get out of bed for an entire semester, but instead I was simply treated for an ongoing sinus infection and acute depression.

I had a doctor's appointment today and couldn't make it to it. I barely made it here to work 3 hours later. I have a hard time remembering to take meds and never could stay on any anti-depressants until this last year. I started with a new doctor and he put me on effexor. If I forget to take the effexor, I start feeling strange and it has worked as a reminder to keep me on it for a full year. I was diagnosed by as bipolar by a doctor before him that began treating me for it, but was switching my meds every month and did not have me on any anti-depressants. I did not understand what bipolar really was and I got frustrated with the side effect of the meds and all the switching (since I hate meds anyway - my aunt died 3 years ago from an addiction to prescriptions). So I just stopped the meds and quit going to him. When my depression got out of control I sought out this last doctor, but he dismissed the bipolar diagnosis, as did I, and we have only been focusing on my depression.

I wish I could have made it to my appointment today, but I'm doing good to be up at all right now. I don't think my doctor has much experience with bipolar and I was going to tell him how serious my current situation is and ask him to refer me to a mental health professional.

Mostly, since I have just recently connected my experience 7 years ago to my current situation I am very frightened because I know it is only going to get worse before it gets better. I have almost completely lost the ability to take care of myself. For the time being, my boss has been lenient with me because he is an alcoholic with 17 years sobriety and I have recently joined Alanon for my codependency and other issues affecting my intimate relationships (which also was causing problems at work). But in working the program things get better...not worse! And even though I have been throwing myself into recovery...my dedication to work appears to be seriously lacking. But I know it's not due to lack of dedication or will...it's because I physically and mentally can't handle it all right now.

I am trying! God am I trying. No one understands how almost impossible it was for me to get out of bed and get here today! When I was going through this in college, I didn't have to worry about the immediate result of missing a few classes (which continued and I would miss weeks at a time) and I worked only 10-15 hours a week in the computer lab of my door during the grave yard shift. (So I often went to work in my house shoes and p.j.'s and if no students were in the lab working or had any problems or questions, I didn't have to do anything and could just lay my head down on the desk and nap until someone woke me up with a question. Basically, as long as I was physically there then I was okay and didn't have to worry about being fired).

I have been in this job for 2 & 1/2 years and for the first 1 & 1/2, I was a work-a-holic and VERY dependable because I love my work, but now, as I write this, I should be working up photos and writing stories for tomorrows newpaper instead of doing this. I am having such a hard time focusing on ANYTHING outside of myself (and even that is difficult).

I am normally a very sweet person, but have become very emotional, withdrawn and irritable (I've become especially irritable toward my mother for some reason). My personal hygien is also suffering a great deal, as are my finances because I just can't focus enough to think about any of it. I don't have the energy.

I have two cats and one dog and I feel so guilty because I am not giving them the attention they deserve. I'm struggling just to make sure they are fed and watered every day. My sister doesn't understand why I am not spending very much time with her and my nephews who I was practically glued to when they were born. Luckily, I am currently single and have no children - only my 3 pets. Although, my sister remembers me becoming a very mean, hateful and violent person toward her during the last bout 7 years ago AND before that as well. That is just not me.

What do I do. What do I tell my boss!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do I explain this to anyone?

In the last 2 weeks, I have been realizing more each day about this disease and how it is affecting me and has affected me. It's all just kind of hit me at once. I was clueless. I have tried to minimally explain this to a few people, but I don't understand it enough myself to really explain anything and I just find myself not even knowing where to start to explain.

Today it hit me like a ton of bricks and I now realize why some people with pipolar have to be hospitalized and on disability. Which makes me so very sad because that is what I feel I am headed to.

Please help. I don't know what to do. Unfortunately I have to go photograph a baseball game for work now, but I should be home in bed. I'm even scared to drive because I am so out if it and often find myself not paying attention to what I'm doing or where I am going.

I'm not use to asking for real help from anyone, but I really need any help/support/information anyone can provide right now.

Jenna

P.S. Fortunately I am not one of the 85 percent of bipolars who also have to deal with a substance abuse problem, but I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have been working on my codependency issues.

My health insurance also does not cover counseling which I need to be in for several reasons.

[shutterbug]

I am so thankful for my HP. A girl came to my Alanon meeting today who is a recovering alcoholic and I have seen her at the AA speaker meetings that I also attend, but I've never seen her at Alanon.

SHE IS BIPOLAR TOO!! Today's topic was on feelings and boy am I having a lot of those. So I talked about my disorder in the meeting. After the meeting she came up me, gave me a huge hug which I very much needed and told me she is bipolar too.

I rescheduled my missed doctor's appointment for tomorrow and when she heard this she offered to not only go with me and then offered to even take me! Thank you lord. I said to her, "That would be so wonderful because my driving has become very scary." She pointed to her arm and said, Look I'm getting goose bumps. God brought us together today!"

My sponsor was there today and she was also happy about it. She doesn't know much about bipolar and knows that this Alanon sister will be able to help me in ways that she can't.

I've been crying all day for no real reason and on a 10 mile drive to a photo assignment I forgot where I was going 5 times.

I'm still very scared, but it makes me feel better to know that I now have a person I can call who understands what I'm dealing.

Jenna

[Gatsby]

How do you know that you are bipolar? I always thought that people suffering from the disease went from episode of great elation, great energy, and great "productivity", to periods of depression when they were incapable of doing much.

As someone who has been suffering from chronic depression, you sound to me like you are horribly depressed. And you would need to see a mental health professional -- a good one, a lot of them are jerks --and get treatment, both through medication therapy and talk therapy. The medication would get you over the edge.

My therapist and my psychopharmacologist saved me from the worse depression I had ever been through. I am still on medication and still in therapy, and I am able to enjoy life most of the time. Right now, I am not a happy camper, but it will pass. I am trying to fight my dependency on alcohol, and my emotional dependency on a man that is downright toxic to me. Eventually, I'll get there.

My pharmacologist is a world-wide reknown scientist who specializes in depression, its causes, and its treatments. He is in New York, but can be contacted. If you want, send me a private message, and I'll be happy to give
you his name and number. I am sure that he knows people in your area who can help you.

You don't have to go through this on your own.

[shutterbug]

Thanks. I would like his number. I will try anthing right now.

Although, I wish it was only severe depression. I can understand that much more and it's so much simpler. But I am bipolar. I also have manic episodes (which are really wonderful and I get a lot done, but they are few and far between.) My last manic episode was 15 days ago, and then back to the depression. I also have racing thoughts (that are also few, but I had a weird one recently that was almost violent in nature. It was like watching a violent movie in fast forward and feeling it at the same time. On the outside everthing looks normal to others, but in my head I am about to explode.)

My moods are like a roller coaster. Up then down, then way up and then way down, etc. But what I'm going through right now, is apparently what most unmedicated bipolars go through every 5-7 years - from what I understand anyway. The last time this happened to me was 1997-98, but I didn't realize what I was really going through at the time. My docs also just thought I was severly depressed because they didn't (nor did I) recognize the mania.

Anyway, I think the ONLY thing that IS going to get me through this the fact that I know now that I don't have to go through this alone like I did the last time. But I'm still scared of becoming the mean person I did last time.

Thanks for your support.

[splendra]

(((Shutterbug)))

Keep posting I think that will help. I am glad you are under a doctors care....

[liveweyerd]

I do highly recommend that you see a mental health professional.
General Practice is not the place to go for mental illness.
If nothing else go to a free women's clinic for counseling, if nothing else (they usually specialize in abuse related issues) and they will understand you are reacing out for help..they can probably refer you to an income based therapist or other options.

Glad your friend is taking you.
One time I took my daughter with me and she totally ratted me out good for her! Our sense of shame urges us to gloss things over.

HEY! I have been mad at her, this gives me something to thank her for!!!! THANKS!

[liveweyerd]

Edited..I went to the doctor in my pajamas. hahahahaha
Getting out of bed was my victory of the day.

One of my life saving devices was to go to the gym, had to have a gym buddy come by to pick me up and rely on me, wouldn't have made it alone, but the excercise is totaly distacting and gets your blood pumping and helps with appetite...also releases endorphins which is a hormone that has a natural high pick me up effect and feels very good.

Ask Paulie, I couldn't even make myself brush my teeth!

[shutterbug]

Live: It is so nice to have people to talk with who understand what I'm going through. I am disgusted with myself right now because I know all too well how hard it can be to make yourself brush your teeth/shower/get dressed/ brush hair/put on make-up/shoes/deoderant/ glasses or contacts - it's just all too much for me right now!

With that said - exercise! Are you kidding me????????? I'm doing VERY GOOD to make it to work each day!!!!!!!!!!


Please tell me more about this free women's clinic you mentioned. I've never heard of it.

And do you have any suggestions on how I should approach my boss to let him know what I am dealing with right now? I have to work so closely with several people that I have kinda been tossing around the idea of sending out an e-mail to the 10 or so who it affects the most. Not for pity, but so they can understand and know my limitations during this time in my life. They are all really great people and have become my extended family and several are my best friends in the whole world. What do you think?

[liveweyerd]

Yes, I do have some suggestions. You are sick right now...same as if someone had pneumonia. I took a medical leave of absence. The DR fills out the form and it is federal law, you should be able to collect temporary disability.

Y'know all those domestic abuse clinics and hotlines? Well in my town they dealt with a whole lot more than fights and black eyes. I have paid big bucks for shrinks but these women were more help than all the therapists I had seen prior. If nothing else, they can help you find resources and options for getting help.

If you go on disability, income based therapy can cost as little as $10.

I also suggest you choose your most trusted and empathetic and understanding friend and tell them you are sick. Ask them to take you to these places. You can go and it makes it easier when someone is coming by to pick you up and take you. You don't have to brush your teeth or put on makeup. You can go in the sweats or t-shirt you have been wearing all week.

Remember you will not get better unless you get proper treatment. I was so sick I was desperate, I felt like I lived in a never-ending nightmare of misery. I think Tegretol is usually the first thing they try for bi-polar. It used to be lithium. And maybe I am not up-to-date.
I take two different anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety med. Plus two more for migraines. I am a pill-packing mama. And glad of it!...and have all those numerous scrips from the trial and error process, that I don't fill.
Be aware that some meds take up to 6 or 8 wks to work. That waiting period is purgatory!
So I was prone to stay in bed and starve to death. My weight is an indicator of my health. When I am sick I drop pounds at an alarming rate and look like I wandered out of a concentration camp.
While I was off work, I had a real hunk of a guy come by every afternoon. We would put something in the oven and go to the gym. Sounds ferociously impossible to do but I knew it was the only thing that could help me at all. Getting there is the hard part...I had to be on the buddy system. But it really does help a great deal. Feels great once you get there. It is a natural anti-depressant. The exertion took me away from my illness while I was there and I got to build up a feeling of growing stronger.
Becauuse I did not want to see or be seen by anyone, I took alot of late night strolls.

How is your sleep? That often gets disrupted as well. And some anti-depressants make that worse, that's why I am on two of them. Trazadone is the second anti-depressant and it gives me the best sleep I have had since I was an innocent child.

And, there is another frequent side effect...a diminished sex drive....which from your other posts about your boyfriend could be a blessing in disguise. It was for me!
Forgive me for taking so long to answer you!

Just keep talking to us. Together we all help each other.

[shutterbug]

Live,

Thank you for your posts. You seem to understand what I'm going through so well. Today the doc put me on a combonation med of Prozac for the depression and Zeprexa for the bipolar (It's all in one pill which helps since I hate pills and it's called Symbyax).

My doc had me in and out of his office in 5 minutes, didn't write down the name of the pychiatrist I asked him to refer me to and didn't send me to the lab for the HIV test i also requested (The A I was in the relationship is possible the worlds best candidate for contracting a STD since he has sex with a different person nearly every night if he can. He's admitted, as of VERY recently, that he has been with 1,000's so I am of course scared that I could have contracted something from him.)

I was very out of it when I went to the doc today, which is why my new Alanon/bipolar "Angel" friend went with me (I was even more out of it yesterday when we ended up in the meeting together). But my doctor kept asking me if I had taken anything today. I kept telling him no. I hadn't even taken my Effexor today. All I had had was a few cigs and a cup of coffee, but he acted like I was high on something! The only thing I've ever been addicted to in my life is nicotine, caffine, love and men. I think he thought I was an addict (since I was asking for the HIV test) and so he just changed my meds and dismissed me. I mean, I'm not an angel ( Many years ago I tried pot 3-4 times, but it always made me very ill and after that I refused to let anyone talk me into trying it ever again. And that's the only mind altering substance I've ever done except the occasional alcoholic beverage at a party with friends and when I was in college). The point I'm getting at is that, my doc obviously doesn't understand bipolar disorder (or else he wounldn't have dismissed it a year ago when I first told him) and he would recognize my be so out of it as the severe depression side of the disease. He has also seen me during a manic episode. With that said, I don't think he would be all too willing to fill out any forms for a medical leave of absence. But at the same time, I can't handle work right now. I can't handle anything right now. I'm so lost. I know it will take a while for these meds to kick in and then I might (probably) will have to change again.

I remember now, that when I was originally diagnosed with bipolar, I was put on Zeprexa and couldn't stand the side affects and I ended up stopping them and stopped going to the doc all together (that was another doc then the one I'm with now). Do you think I might should go back to that doc - since he obviously knows about bipolar (I mean he diagnosed me and I didn't even really understand what bipolar was until just recently?

I also have had a huge headache all day. I keep meaning to ask someone here at work if they have anything I can take for it, but then I forget.

Anyway, please keep posting. I know where a women's shelter/program is here in town ( I had to go to it one time to get a restraining order against a violent ex), but I am going to try and stop down there and see if they might have any info that can help.

Anything that anyone can possibly think of to tell me about, Websites, "How to explain this thing to friends, family, bosses and co-workers,"....anything would be wonderful.

Jenna

And the sexual side affect doesn't bother me at all because I haven't had any kind of sex drive in the last 4-5 years (except for occasionally 1 day each month in relation to my cycles).

I am worried about the weight gain and I use to go walking with a couple of friends from work, but when my depression hit and I stopped going, so did they. They have been wanting to start going again, I'm just having trouble sitting upright in my chair right now.

[liveweyerd]

you need a better DR.!

5 minutes?!!!!!

I still say see a mental health Dr; and if you have taken it before and it wasn't right for you, then they need to try something different.
....and get you that break (leave of absence)

You mean everybody doesn't think about driving their car into a concrete abutment from time to time? hahahahahahaha

I just tell them, sure I have had thoughts but I promise I will never act on them.

The shame goes along with the illness, when you are better you won't feel the same about it.
Did I ask to inherit this? No one would! No use to blame yourself!

I think (know) your DR was negligient. And many GPs know very little about mental illness.

Doctors are not god-figures, go with what you know and what you feel. Find one that is good for you.
Does Texas have nurse practioners in the pychiatrist's office? Insurance usually pays for that and I thank my lucky stars for mine. the nurse that is.

And, believe me.....mental health professionals hear stuff we couldn't even begin to imagine.
Mine said, WELL! You are an easy one!
She works with me. By the time I got to her, I knew what I would not take and what prescriptions worked for me.
When I went annd said triple my dosage of that controlled substance anti-anxiety, she didn't treat me like an addict, she gave me what I needed. I even told her that since I had seen her I had run out and bought some in Mexico where you don't need a scrip. She smiled and said, I don't think I will put that in your records, I will say patients admits to increasing dosage due to increased anxiety over moving to Argentina.

I hate going to new Drs, and won't go to a psychologist, I have told my story time and time again....son's suicide etc etc. and I don't want to rehash it again just for their benefit, it upsets me too much.

I don't need therapy, I need the right drugs.

You may benefit from working thro' your story if you have never done that before. I have just done it enough times that I don't want to anymore.

See! We are both stubborn! We are fighting our illness.

[shutterbug]

Today's another bad day. I had to ask my mom to go get my dog some food and take it to my house and feed her because it was hard enought to describe what kind of food to get and how I feed her. Thankfully my mom doesn't mind doing things like that. They are small things to her and she's starting to understand what giant mountains those things are for me.

She also tried calling the doc who diagnosed me bi-polar to get me into see him and he is no longer there. She also called a mental health clinic here in town and they said I had to come down there to fill out paper work. Luckily the building is a 1/2 block from my work, but they said they don't take my kind of insurance and refered me to another doc 30 minutes away. Okay, I don't care right now. People have told me they will drive me, but of everyone I tried calling....they can't see me for until the middle of september or even a month or two. I can't wait that long. I have daily deadlines at work and people expect so much from me - things that have to be done and things that no one can do for me. I just can't do it right now. really can't do anything. Lord help me. I need help. I'm so confused and stressed. I can't work. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

I need to find someone to see like in the next day or two, I don't know what to do.......................

[liveweyerd]

you wanna get their attention so they will get you in right away, call back, say it is an emergency and you have been having suicidal thoughts that are getting more frequent.

It is sad what we have to do sometimes!

I used to get the most godawful migraines, didn't have insurance, didn't have money...so I would try to ride it out. When I started thinking about decapitating myself to get rid of the offending part and unendurable pain, I would finally go to Dr.
Know what I learned....if I can sit there and tell them, they underestimate it...and under treat it. So, I learned to go sit down in the waiting room think of sad things and just sit there quietly crying. Guess what...they got me in right away and gave me better treatment that would end the horrid pain.

Whatever works. This is a very imperfect world.

[51anna]

Live and Shutterbug,

I'm sorry to jump in, but I find this post very interesting.

I suffered from depression for years and years before I could get it properly diagnosed and properly treated. I was too darn depressed to be demanding or even ask many questions in the many drs offices that I visited. I didn't have the energy to ask someone to come with me and help out, just keep accepting what the dr said.

What I learned from the two psychologists and numerous drs I saw - if you dress decently, put on makeup and fix your hair, they will decide you are NOT depressed. Clearly to them, since I could do those things before a dr visit I could not
be depressed. I wasted years because of the narrow vision of medical professionals.

Good luck Shutterbug!

Love, Anna

[liveweyerd]

Anna, thanks for your story!

And you are so right! Glad for your confirmation of what we both observed!

Now, since you have said it, I can see some humor in it!
There are times when brushing your hair is the WRONG thing to do!

I guess it helps if you look the part! Don't conceal the black bags under your eyes, or hide that haunted look, or wear a loose dress to hide that you have become skin and bones!

Crying distresses them and doesn't go with the decor in the waiting room!

Just poking a little fun, Shutterbug....ok?

[MootPoint]

Oooooooo Anna, you are so right! It took me awhile to get a dr who would diagnose me as depressed...... I had to fall apart first.

Shutterbug, I'm not knowlegable enough to respond to your post, so I'm calling in reinforcements AbleWings is my s/o and she'll be in shortly. She REALLY knows her bipolar. I've been staring at your post and trying to think of some way to respond to it, but have been at a loss.

Everything's already been said, but I'm asking her to have a crack at it anyway

[AbleWings]

Hi Shutterbug,

Liveweyer is right. You need to find a competent psychiatrist who understands bipolar and can treat you for the bipolar. Having a Pdoc (psychiatrist) who treats you for depression only can cause more serious problems. For example, treating a bipolar with an anti depressant alone can throw you straight into mania. From your posts I gather you've only had good experiences with mania but, believe me, mania (especially drug induced mania) can be just as destructive as depression.

Both mania and depression can cause the rages you've spoken about so it's really important to get a pdoc who understands and can treat bipolar specifically.

Try to stay active in your group meeting if you can. Being around people and not isolating will help you too. I'm glad you found a friend there who is helping you.

If you're sure about your co-workers and think they'll be understanding I would just be forthright with them. I would tell them that I am bipolar and am having problems right now. Tell them it affects your concentration and ability to function and ask them to be understanding for a while. Be sure to tell them that you're working closely with your doctor and that you're getting help but that it will take time for the meds to kick in. You'd be surprised how much they probably already understand about bipolar. More and more people are becoming aware of mental illnesses and they probably already know someone else who has it.

If you're not sure they will be understanding I wouldn't tell them about the bipolar. As sad as it is there is still some stigma about mental illness and it could cause you problems on your job. I've only had good experiences with disclosure so I hope you will too.

Also check your county health department. I think all counties offer free or reduced fee councelling. It's sliding scale in most places. I get free councelling through my county and so does MootPoint. I would just look in the phone book and contact the county mental health department. It's definitely worth a try and it sounds like you could really use someone to talk to.

I hope you find some good help and feel better soon.

AbleWings

[emmanuel2012]

not only do you need a better doctor, you need a better job! try to find work that you can do mroe creatively, at your own pace, and if possible, on your own schedule. believe me, you can find one of these r create your own! you are *blessed* with bipolar, not *cursed* i assure you, ive been there. its a stinking freaking damn little job!! J-O-B. it doesnt sound like a real career if you have to*always* explain yourself being a little late, becuase, if you have a cell phone and/or laptop, you can *always* get away with doing a little "work" out of the office. and dude, do yourself a favor and get OFF the effexor!!!!! itis totally the wrong drug for bipolar people EVEN IF you feel depressed a lot. i am telling you this out of the sincerety and experience of my own medical charades...sounds like you really need something like ABILIFY (the new advancement of ZYPREXA) and maybe check your diet too. best regards, emmanuel.

[Gatsby]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Yes, I do have some suggestions. You are sick right now...same as if someone had pneumonia. I took a medical leave of absence. The DR fills out the form and it is federal law, you should be able to collect temporary disability.

Y'know all those domestic abuse clinics and hotlines? Well in my town they dealt with a whole lot more than fights and black eyes. I have paid big bucks for shrinks but these women were more help than all the therapists I had seen prior. If nothing else, they can help you find resources and options for getting help.

If you go on disability, income based therapy can cost as little as $10.

I also suggest you choose your most trusted and empathetic and understanding friend and tell them you are sick. Ask them to take you to these places. You can go and it makes it easier when someone is coming by to pick you up and take you. You don't have to brush your teeth or put on makeup. You can go in the sweats or t-shirt you have been wearing all week.

Remember you will not get better unless you get proper treatment. I was so sick I was desperate, I felt like I lived in a never-ending nightmare of misery. I think Tegretol is usually the first thing they try for bi-polar. It used to be lithium. And maybe I am not up-to-date.
I take two different anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety med. Plus two more for migraines. I am a pill-packing mama. And glad of it!...and have all those numerous scrips from the trial and error process, that I don't fill.
Be aware that some meds take up to 6 or 8 wks to work. That waiting period is purgatory!
So I was prone to stay in bed and starve to death. My weight is an indicator of my health. When I am sick I drop pounds at an alarming rate and look like I wandered out of a concentration camp.
While I was off work, I had a real hunk of a guy come by every afternoon. We would put something in the oven and go to the gym. Sounds ferociously impossible to do but I knew it was the only thing that could help me at all. Getting there is the hard part...I had to be on the buddy system. But it really does help a great deal. Feels great once you get there. It is a natural anti-depressant. The exertion took me away from my illness while I was there and I got to build up a feeling of growing stronger.
Becauuse I did not want to see or be seen by anyone, I took alot of late night strolls.

How is your sleep? That often gets disrupted as well. And some anti-depressants make that worse, that's why I am on two of them. Trazadone is the second anti-depressant and it gives me the best sleep I have had since I was an innocent child.

And, there is another frequent side effect...a diminished sex drive....which from your other posts about your boyfriend could be a blessing in disguise. It was for me!
Forgive me for taking so long to answer you!

Just keep talking to us. Together we all help each other.

Strange how these medications work. Trazodone drove me nuts: it made me dizzy and kept me up all night. Needless to say that it landed in the garbage. I am taking Celexa and Wellbutrin and I have been fine for a long time (depression-wise, that is).

[Gatsby]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Live and Shutterbug,

I'm sorry to jump in, but I find this post very interesting.

I suffered from depression for years and years before I could get it properly diagnosed and properly treated. I was too darn depressed to be demanding or even ask many questions in the many drs offices that I visited. I didn't have the energy to ask someone to come with me and help out, just keep accepting what the dr said.

What I learned from the two psychologists and numerous drs I saw - if you dress decently, put on makeup and fix your hair, they will decide you are NOT depressed. Clearly to them, since I could do those things before a dr visit I could not
be depressed. I wasted years because of the narrow vision of medical professionals.

Good luck Shutterbug!

Love, Anna

Sorry you had such a bad experience. I went through a horrendous depression two years ago -- it lasted about one year before I finally found relief, and was given the correct medicine. I would get up every morning with death in my soul and a hole in my chest, shower, put my clothes on, plaster a smile on my face, go to the office, promptly closed my door, and proceeded to cry hideously, and call all my friends, because I could not stand not having any support for even an hour. Even though I appeared functional, none of the therapists or psychiatrists I saw ever dismissed my pain. They understood that, under the controlled appearance, I was a total wreck. I was lucky to find such good professionals. So, please, don't think you have to LOOK a wreck for mental health professionals to take you seriously. The good ones KNOW the difference. Some of us are more adept than others at hiding our misery. It does not mean that we are not suffering terribly.

[shutterbug]

This must be short because feeling bad, but thanks all around.

I completely lost it the day I last posted here. I began crying uncontrollably at my desk (middle of newsroom) out of frustration, exahustion, confusion, feeling helpless and completely overwhelmed and my "Angel" (and my mom) took me to a crisis intervention center. I stayed 5 days (don't remember much of the first 3 though) and they got me on meds and then changed them a little on Monday and sent me home today.

Few will ever understand that these 5 days in the pysch ward were like a vacation on the beach to me. To me it felt like a full-service spa/lavish hotel. Being able to just "check-out" completely and not HAVE to think was near heaven. And since I've been having a hard time functioning, it was the most devine thing to have food to eat 3 times a day (plus snacks) and someone else to let me know when to take my meds and to wash my clothes.

————okay, I had a mood switch here and am alert again. These meds have me flip flopping about 10 times a day now!

(They have me on Depacote, Effexor and Visteril)

I also discovered something that really through me for a big loup! I have been having anxiety attacks for years and didn't even know it. See, I have been an asthmatic since childhood — which has always sent me to the emergency room every few years since I can remember. Well somehow I got addicted to cigs about 7 years ago (hummmmm? interesting) and the past several years I have smoked 1-2 packs a day. STUPID, I KNOW - VERY STUPID! Sooo, when I gradually started having more troubles with labored breathing, I started using my rescue inhalor more. In the hospital they monitored my inhalor and only let me use it 2 puffs every 6 hours. Well I can't stand to not be able to breath and asked the nurse,"Do you expect me to just suffer?" She told me to go stick my head in a hot shower - which brings back tramadic memories of my mom doing that when I was little and it ALWAYS made it worse - always. So I argued with the nurse and she told me that I was simply having an anxiety attack and gave me Visteril. I just knew it wouldn't do anything because after all I'm the one who has dealth with this for 28 years. Boy did I show her! The next day I (very sweetly and politely) walked up to her station and apologized over and over for my behavior. Her little anxiety pill worked! My breathing had became normal almost immediately without my inhalor. She simply smiled and said she completely understood. I'm still having problems knowing when I'm having an anxiety attack and when it's an asthma attack, but at least I'm not overdosing on albuteral anymore. Now I know that if it's not working, then it's most likely an anxiety attack. Wow! And I feel so relaxed and calm too!!!!!

QUESTION? I had thought anxiety attacks were something completely different (I thought I was having an anxiety attack only when I would have the racing thoughts). Guess I was wrong because the Viceril has done wonders for me. I'm just praying to God that they aren't addictive in anyway, because I already feel myself wanting one every 6 hours (as prescribed if needed), but is this because the drug is habit forming or because I'm finaly experiencing some relief from this for the first time?

The hospital stay helped me come more to terms with my illness also. I met several other bipolars who helped me connect a lot of dots. I received info in group sessions too that helped.

Trazadone: I wish I could take it because I'm still having sleeping problems Obviously. They gave me one Monday night and it knocked me out cold. I slept 8 hours straight through which was wonderful, but the next morning I had the worst hang over of my life - something like that anyway. So the Pdoc said he didn't want me to take it any more. They did have my on Remeron too which was also helping me sleep, but was giving me a HUGE appetite so the doc put me back on Effexor.

Emmanuel - I will keep what you said in mind and when I find a Pdoc to see locally I will ask him about your concerns.

My friend and co-workers have been figuring out the short-term disability stuff for me so that I can take my time to get use to the meds and see how they will work for me, etc. I am also going to look into social security benefits. I don't think I can get on long-term disability because I don't think I was paying any premiums for that, but I'm not sure. Work has been understanding, but it's scary because it shows how easily I can be replaced (they called in a local free lance photographer who use to work here).

Question #2: I don't know what to do about the job/income situation? Is there anything else out there besides social security that I can look into? And , this is where I'm confused because I love being a photojournalist (It's what I went to college for and have been working to build my career in) but if I'm not employed by the paper, then there goes my access to a great camera, press credentials for access to things and regular publication both locally and nationally! Do I give that all up in favor of my health? I also have goals for where my career was heading. Are those smashed now? Do I have to give up on my dream to travel the world for Time or National Geographic?

I do have two abstract photography business ventures in the works that I would love to have more time to do, but without a good camera - well it would suck. And I don't really even have a computer to do it with, although I have a friend who does (hummmm).

And how do bipolars ever commit themselves to ANY obligations what so ever? I don't even know from minute to minute if I'm going to be half comatose or bouncing off the walls - so how can I know if I will be able to function on any given day?

And how do you find a job where you don't HAVE to be on time and you don't HAVE to even show up if you feel bad or are unable to function????

When I'm slightly manic like I am now, I have so many questions and thoughts and plans and to do lists running through my head that it's kinda hard to focus, but kinda fun cause I never know what possible revelations I may have. The weird thing about the manias that I've been experiencing the last two days (with very fast turn arounds back to the depression) is that my head is going, but my body still feels like it's in very low gear. I'm guessing this is what's called a mixed state. Very weird to switch so fast, so many times a day. All it takes is a minute or so and then **BOOM**, opposite place from where I was! It use to switch slowly over several hours. Many times I didn't even realize my mood was changing because it was so gradual. Not this!

Problems:

• I've had a severe migrain for 4 days non-stop. Tylenol only works for an hour or so and then back to the pain liveweyerd was talking about. Decapitation sounds pretty good right now.

• Another problem is with my tongue. It started swelling yesterday and I forgot to tell my Pdoc. It is also sore (very similar swelling and muscel soreness to when I've had my tongue peirced a couple of times). I called the pharmasy and they said there's no drug interactions with the meds I'm on. I don't know about this one.

• And I still am having difficulties driving, communicating or thinking effectively. It worst during a depressive, but still there during a manic.


Sorry for the long reading, but I felt I had to get some of these thoughts down and it's so much easier for me to type then to go home and write it all down with pen and paper.

I know my HP has a plan for me and I just have to follow his lead and he will reveal my path to me, but doesn't he realize how impatient I am? I'd like to know. And he's also given me the ability to do anything I put my mind to (except math) so I know I will be okay, but I'm scared there is a dramatic change in store for my life.

God Bless,
Jenna

P.S. Any home based (fairly simple) business ideas or thoughts THAT REALLY WORK would be greatly appreciated. As would any information on income assistance programs such as Social Security which is the only one I know of.

Live: Is short-term disability the same as medical leave?

[shutterbug]

Well I found out that short-term disability isn't really the same as medical leave (which basically just guarentees that I won't loose my job over this). But I just wanted to write in here as an update.

I'm still depressed and lethargic, very lethargic. But I'm alive. I see my general doc again Friday which he said by then I should be feeling better, which I am a little better than when I was in his office last (meaning I can form words and thoughts better), but I'm still having a hard time functioning. I can't wait to get some physical and mental energy back. I'm so drained and it feels like I'm never going to get out of this pit of dispair. I haven't even had the energy to keep up with my Al-anon recovery which is very important to me. I went to a meeting the day I got out of the hospital and haven't been to one since. I forget about them...remember only late at night or an hour or two after the meeting has ended. I think I will call an Alanon friend and have her call and remind me about them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyway, I've pretty much just turned my brain off from almost everything except existing...that's all I have the energy to do.

I've been off work for a month and it just kills me that I've been off that long and don't have a single project completed. With this much time off, I would have normally had a bunch of projects finished, but this time...well, nothing at all. Instead of feel good for accomplishing some things I feel quilty for not doing anything at all and feeling lazy since all I really do is sleep and watch t.v.

Severe depression is such a nightmare. I will be glad when it is over. I just wish I knew when that would be.

God Bless,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

My general doc is sending me back to work on Oct 11. No real reason one way or the other. He admitted that he doesn't know what else to do and needs help from someone else to make me well again. My first real phychiatrist apt is set for Oct. 14, I think. Just 3 days after I start back to work.

Nervious about starting back to work at full throttle. I still am struggling to care for my own hygiene. Today was the first time in a week I've even changed clothes. So yeah, I'm scared, but I know I can force myself to do a lot more than I've been doing...just not sure if that will be good enough.

I'm also looking forward to going back because I miss the work and many of the people. Just worried. I have too many worries about too many things.

But I've been being a good girl. I've been taking my meds, seeing my general doc every 2 weeks to keep up with lab work and everything, seeing a phychologist once a week, and I've been reading more books than I ever have and they are all centered around my recovery from codependency and mental illness and learning even more online. So I almost feel like I'm working a full-time job right now. Just thoughts...don't know what to do with them...just thoughts.

[liveweyerd]

I am so glad to know someone else who wears the same clothes for a week! I mean
FOR REAL!!!

I, too, felt I was working full time just to try to struggle with my illness. It takes all I have some times to just keep from drowning.

I hear you, girlfriend!

[shutterbug]

Thanks live. I'm feeling lost today. My work day is over and I stopped in here for a moment. I laughed really hard today! My girlfriends here at work are some of the most wonderful friends and co-workers I've ever had. I love how much it makes me smile to just be around them...but, there is still something missing. I've lost something that hasn't come back yet and I can already feel the stress mounting again.

I'm usually such a driven person - a get up and go-get what I want. Although now, I know what I should be doing and wanting to do and I keep getting thoughts about being back on my "original" path, but I just don't have the drive or energy to act on any of it. Staying locked up in my house for a week or two at a time was a sad and lonely existence. I absolutely hated to run out of cigerettes and have to get dressed and find shoes and purse and go to the store and then have to get gas too. All while, OF COURSE, the clerk had to be a butt head aboutnot having my lisence with me.

Anyway, the other photog came in and I'm on his computer.

I'll talk to ya later,
Jenna